Maybe it is the COVID-19 or maybe I am not cut out for this
I am so frustrated with many things and I don't know where to begin.
I married my wife with two kids and an ex husband who does not have a lot time with the kids. My wife is an amazing mom and has set her girls up to really be well-adjusted. I am trying to learn how to let certain things go and to chalk it up to teenager behavior.
One thing I cannot get over is how the ex is allowed to ignore the kids and not see them by his choice... then when he get a free moment, he is great because his spend 3 hours and feeds them every once in a while.
I am there 99% percent of the time for them day and in day out, give them support, cook... generally speaking acting like a cohesive family. After one of the girls sees their dad... I get ignored... not even addressed.... like I had turned into casper.
I do not say anything bad about their dad when they are present or in general because they know who he had treated their mom.
I just get frusrated in dealing with not totally feeling like I fit in. I get some support from my wife... but even then... she defends her kids.
I am starting to feel like I am a renter ... and that I provide lawn care, cooking and cleaning.. and not appreciated. I want to disengage from the kids....but I don't know how to do it.. and how to drop the the bone that I have against their dad.
Lord knows i'm no expert and
Lord knows i'm no expert and have my own problems, but i just want to say this is a common thing. The bioparent can be the worst piece of crap, ignore, neglect, and even abuse the kids but the second they do one fricking decent thing, it seems like everyone wants to sing their praises and work even harder to "earn" more common decency.
Maybe it's because the kids don't want to believe they come from a parent who is crap, and maybe the other bioparent, your spouse, doesn't want to believe she chose to spawn with crap. So they desperately try to look for and accentuate any positives.
The only advice i can give is to not give so much of yourself that you become resentful. Do what needs to be done, do what you know is right, but also focus on you. Do some things for yourself that make you happy. And if you feel unappreciated, communicate that to your wife.
If the kids are teens, smart
If the kids are teens, smart and well adjusted then I would sit down with them and your wife and have a conversation about this.
I would tell them that you are happy that they get to have a nice time with their dad and wish that they could have more of it on a regular basis. Then I would say that you have noticed a pattern that they ignore you for a peroid of time after seeing their dad and that it is disrespectful of them to do that to you. I would tell them that you understand it must be weird to go from time with their dad to spending time with you and that their emotions must be conflicting. They love their dad but know that their dad hurt their mother. They love you but would rather live with their dad. They love their mother but wish they could see more of their dad. They are in a type of loyalty bind. This is common for divorced kids. I would tell them that if they need some time to transition from being with their father to being back in your household then that is ok. But what is not ok is that they ignore you. Basic levels of respect need to be maintained. I would then list for them some of the things that you do for them and the household that they benifit from and tell them that if they continue to disrespect you that you will be cutting back on what you do for them as you do not run around after those that are rude to you.
This conversation can either be led by your wife or a joint effort between the two of you. But it is important that your wife makes sure the kids know she is not ok with their behavior and expects them to be respectful to you.
There bio father is there bio father
Bio parents are always right. Kids will all love bio father even if he a POS. He will be the star of there wedding even though you are paying for it. "We need pictures of us with Bio parents , not you "
Fortuneatly this is not the
Fortuneatly this is not the case for all kids raised by a Sparent and a quality BioParent. My SS detests his SpermIdiot as does my SS's SpermIdiot spawned half sister who is #2 of the 4 all out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawn children. Sadly the younger two worship him and are diving fully into their idiot POS father's gangbanger wannabe, utallented gangster rapper dreaming, serial statutory rapist life dream.
Sadly, not all Skids perform counter to the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
I agree that your wife needs
I agree that your wife needs to sit her girls down and talk to them about why they ignore you when they come back from Dad's. Is Dad telling them to? Is he badmouthing you when they are there? Do they realize how much you do for them on a daily basis, voluntarily, because you care about them? And set the expectation that she will not tolerate them treating you that way.
As teens, they are old enough for some straight talk about their dad and you. Regardless of loyalty binds, they cannot treat you badly any time.