IMO the main problem of step families is that the kids are spoiled. Everyone tries to compensate for the "divorce trauma" and kids are taking advantage of it. 
Why there is never question of "I do not want this father, I want Rotshild instead", because no one asks the kid's opinion, I chose the partner first and you come next. Kids are given too much liberty in expressing their opinion about the parent's partner, it is non of their business. 

When you see everyone pretending to be one happy family with a love conquers all attitude, time almost always proves otherwise. It is interesting to see how fake people are. It is best to go in very slowly with caution and to work on things together with your SO before long term commitment. Even when you do this it can fail but the chances of success are higher. Like I said before resiliency is usually excellent for the first two years then it declines quickly after that. Unfortunately most put the cart before the horse because they are "in love". 

I think the real problem with stepfamilies is that everyone assumes that the "first family" is the real family and no one is willing to accept a "new normal" after parents get remarried. 

As I've explained to my Skids multiple times, it's okay to do different things with BM than they do with DH. Two different households may be inconvenient in many ways, but they are not inherently bad. 

Despite this, many - including Skids, parents, extended families - often mourn the demise of the first family and act as if nothing good can ever happen again to anyone involved. 

If we were more open to the idea that families have many subsets and subsets that include one parent and a stepparent is just as valid as a subset that includes both parents, then I think stepfamilies would have a lot fewer problems. 

It's okay for a stepparent to not love a child as their own. It's okay for a stepchild to not love a stepparent. As long as they tolerate one another and have a reasonably positive relationship, then in my view, it should be considered a successful family. 

I also think that one challenge with stepfamilies is that members of the "first family" who are not part of the stepfamily subset who try to control or manage elements in the stepfamily. For each family subset to be functional, they have to be allowed to operate with their own rules and culture, that may align with other subsets, but may be different. Again, different is not bad, it's just different. 

For me I think the key is that the spouses are on the same page.  DH and I are blended going on 20 years now.  Kids were very young when we met.  But DH and I were on the same page.  We both expected the other to treat our children as their own, from areas of love to discipline, and backed each other up.  We put each other first, no boundary stomping allowed (exs), but we also trust each other completely which removes unneccesary (for us) jealousy issues.  So solid trust, solid boundaries, and very clear and equal expectations.  Was BM nuts at first (boy howdy!).  But eventually toddlers turned to children who could see for themselves and decide for themselves who was "fibbing" (PASing) and who was parenting (we have rules!).

That doesn't mean it was easy, or that "my way is the only way".  I just know that if we hadn't been on the same page, it wouldn't have worked.  But we spent a year talking about EVERYthing before we got serious.  Finances, discipline, roles, families, court cases, COs, it all went on the table.  We had rough times (especially those early court years), but we hung together.  The family is very blended - siblings, parents, children - most people would never know we weren't nuclear by the way we treat each other.  I have a strong and dependable DH who puts our marriage first as do I.  And together we look out for the kids. 

As for loving SKs like your own - I think maybe because they were so young when we came together I have had the privilege of helping to shape them as people.  The SKs love to bake, have the same sense of humour.  And my BKs are very much like DH.  So perhaps that helped?

 pwoodlson, I agree that no skid ever wanted me, or dreamed that some day they would have me.  I agree that I would as a kid, I would never want a stparent.   I agree that I would want a skid or a Mother in law who loved me, not one who didnt want me.

I agree...and I'd take it a lot further...

Like maybe biology is the culprit here. We're programmed to take care of our own, to cultivate our own lineage and DNA, even at the expense of others. That makes step anything unnatural.

That means this mess is hardly my fault.

"The" problem?  There is only one?  I wish.

I agree that this is the case... but only if the BP in a household allows it to happen.  Kids feelings really don't matter. What matters is their behavior. If they behave and comply with standards of behavior and performance in the household how they feel is irrelevant. If they do not listen and learn to comply with behavioral and performance standards... they should feel.  If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel was my GMs parenting and GrandParenting mantra.  It is very effective.

Parents do not give up their own lives when they breed. That is even more the case when a pair bond relationship ends.  That pair bond and any breeding results of that pair bond do no take precedence over the process of making a life for themselves for that parent. Who cares if Skids want mommy and daddy to be together or if Skid's don't want their parents to have a life with new partners?

Kids don't dictate what happens in a family or the choices that their parents make in the parents' own lives. Minor kids are and should be the top adult responsibility but they are not the decisioning authority in the lives of their adult parents. Ever.

Any "adult" that would tolerate this crap, is no adult.

IMHO of course.

With blended families and the main one is that scientifically, biologically, it is completely unnatural.  Our our base level, humans as a species, are the only ones who take on kin from another parent. Why? Because we are wired to protect for and provide for our own. This is why it feels so weird. Because it IS so weird. I think that just as these kids dont want another parent, neither does anyone. I'm a grown woman now but would never want another mom. I already have one. Nobody will ever replace her. Just as stepmoms didnt choose to date or be with the child, the child didnt choose the stepmom. That is something their parent did. Totally unnatural set up. There are so many other layers: financial, sharing a schedule with an ever present ex most time, having holidays disrupted by a former intact family, vacation impact, where you can reside, what your weekly schedule looks like, additional children being added, people and kids lot accepting the other person as their own (because they are not), divorce guilt, the other parents' decisions and parenting affecting behavior in your own home, the other parent causing problems in your own home or calling and disrupting your daily life as a reminder that no, you arent a real family, in laws and extra people being involved, feeling like the dynamic is challenging and stressfuljust because it is blended at it's core, ... so many things that nuclear families dont have to deal with. This is why the failure rate is so high. It is completely unnatural. I would seriously never recommend this life to any woman to be a stepmom. I would not want my kid to ever be a stepparent. 

I have the issue that my SS thinks its a competition and because I actually parent my BD properly and his own BM does not parent him properly, he craves the attention from me, tries to get in the middle of me and my own BD but then on the other hand tries to say "at my Mums, we do this..........." "we've got that at my Mum's as well" (knowing full well he hasnt), I think subconsciously he knows his own BM does not give him attention, doesn't actually give a crap about anything regarding his schooling etc, just allows him to pave his own way and he craves it, never allowing me to get too close of course, we have always had a relationship that I never ever step on his mother's toes, i dont even like the term step mum, he has two parents, I am not one of them, he asks me questions all the time that are a parent's decision, I always tell him to ask his Mum or Dad, I dont over step the mark, but is BM does not encourage our relationship either, therefore, I get on doing my thing, raise my BD the best I can and let DH/BM deal with the spoilt, lost little brat,

I think that kids who believe they are victims of their parents' divorce are less likely to accept a step family and/or to see that having step siblings and more loving adults in their lives can be positive. BM in my case is a classic martyr/victim - even though she initiated her divorce, she is the long suffering devoted mother (puke) which is why SS15 has same attitude. He is getting a bit better but his relationship with DH is completely separate from us (me, DD20, DS19, DD15). He has missed out on a lot - his loss. When kids believe they are victims, they also have no accountability for their behavior and love to go through life as the underdog. This is completely opposite of my personal values and the way I tried to raise my own children.