Being a stepmom is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love my stepdaughters. They are beautiful and smart, loving and kind, made of pure “sugar and spice and everything nice”. The hard part is not the children, it is the bio-parents.
Divorce is never easy on anyone. Not the kids. Not the newly separated couple. No one. But, when kids are involved, I would have to say that the divorce that creates the parenting role of the now ex-spouses becomes the burden of the step parent. You are always wrong. You are always the one left out. And if you are being particularly “bad” in the eyes of either parent you are immediately “Not their true parent” and so the children magically become “not yours” (even though you bathe them, drive them to and from school, feed them, clothe them, coach their soccer team, attend their games, and most importantly love them). What is most frustrating is how quickly they go from “not yours” to what I call First Parent (the one that does all the work when the kids are around). By this I mean that the children come to me in our house, not my husband. Yes, he is the bio parent, so how does that make sense? It makes sense because I am the mother figure, the multi-tasker, the woman. There have been days that my husband has sat in the yard, enjoying a nice breeze while I bathe his kids, brush teeth, get pajamas on, and tuck them into bed (not an exaggeration- it really happened). I don’t mind doing these things, in fact I enjoy bath time. All I ask for is a little recognition. Is that so hard?
Now in my house it is extra complicated. My husband was married young and had two children with his first wife, who already had two children. He took on the two eldest daughters as if they were his own and never looked back (even after he divorced their mother five years later). So, on top of the two bio-daughters that he himself created, he had two stepdaughters who remain in the aftermath of one nasty divorce. I have now inherited these four young ladies. I love them all, but I am powerless.
A step parent is always powerless, ALWAYS. But for me, this is extra hard. I know kids. I mean, I really, really know kids.I have worked with children my entire life. I have made a career out of teaching grades 5 through 12. I know the whole range. I know the great things that they can do, and the not so great things. Parents always think that their children only do great things, but I know better. And I know this about my stepdaughters. They don’t always do great things, but God forbid that gets pointed out. If I do, this is what I hear: “You just don’t love them”, “If you don’t want them around, just leave me!”, “I knew you would do this! I never should have married you!” and inevitably “THEY AREN”T YOUR KIDS!”. The worst thing about all of those things said, is that they are said to me by the girls’ dad, my husband. This is utterly confusing for me. Where do I stand? Am I loved? I am constantly asking myself this.This is how my husband speaks to me? I never thought in a million years I would be in this situation, but here I am.
Now, I never point things out to be mean, I am simply noticing behaviors that if gone unchecked, manifest into life long issue. These are kids that have multiple fathers, that shuffle between homes, that are told ‘yes’ by one parent and ‘no’ by another. In short, they are confused. Nothing in their world makes sense, and so they are trying to make it work. Of course they will make mistakes! That is normal. Why can’t we, as the adults, recognize their mistakes and make moves to correct them? I am not heard when I suggest this and this is where I feel so powerless and rejected-- why won’t anyone listen to the woman who has spent over ten years studying the behavior of children?! I am once again told that I am not a player in this game, but aren’t I a contender for MVP? I am an asset! If these bio parents would get it together, they would realize what a resource they had at their disposal! And for free!

That’s what you don’t get as the step parent: a f****** trophy.

So often in life we forget that everything that we do effects the people around us. I am forgotten first. I am the step parent. I will forever be on the outside of this desperately trying to make my way back in. It’s an uphill battle with a downhill slope. I am not saying that I will always be right. In fact, I will be wrong a lot of the time. The point is that I just want to be heard, and possibly-- if my husband can muster up the freakin’ strength- to be valued.