Am I unreasonable? Is it wrong to expect to matter too ?

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Am I unreasonable? Long story ahead, but it boils down to this question. If you were pregnant and having a tough time and unable to soothe yourself, or stop crying is it reasonable to expect your partner to be there for you and to want to resolve your issues instead of having extra contact time with his son?

I would appreciate some feedback from some of you who understand or may have had similar experiences. I genuinely don't know if I'm going crazy with hormones and being unreasonable or if I am right to feel upset and worthless.

I always assumed if I was struggling or if I needed my partner, he would be there for me, just as he would be there if his son needed him. Until today I have always been okay; thus, this assumption was just an assumption.

Today my partner has refused to see me or comfort me when I am falling to pieces. I have never felt as low as I do today, none of my usual (unhealthy) coping mechanisms can be used as I'm pregnant. I have never cried so much in my entire life, to the point I have made myself physically sick. I'm a mess and to be fair, what I'm upset about is probably just the icing on the cake, I was already in a rough patch.

Let me give you the back story. My partner and I are engaged and expecting our first child together. He has a son from a previous relationship (8), but this pregnancy is my first.

I have done everything I can to make sure I have the safest pregnancy and do right for our unborn baby. I stopped drinking, which was difficult as I am going through a particularly stressful time - which I will explain later. I quit smoking, again never an easy thing to do. I'm eating healthy and cutting out high GI foods in a bid to prevent gestational diabetes which I am high risk of due to Polycystic ovaries(PCOS).

I didn't think I would be able to get pregnant naturally; the Drs told me as much due to PCOS, so this pregnancy is almost a miracle. Just the worst timed miracle ever. I am currently suspended from work pending an investigation due to a conflict of interest after starting my own business. I didn't poach customers or do anything anybody would see as bad; nothing outlined in my contract as its a different service I offer in a separate geographic area.

I am likely to be fired from my day job any moment; financial stresses are at the forefront of my mind. Being the director of a company, even one with no money means I will not be eligible for any maternity money or to sign on to get support from benefits. Being pregnant and recently fired is going to make it near impossible to find another job right now too. It's safe to say I'm financially screwed.

So right now I have health issues, I'm pregnant, and I have no financial stability, and my partner makes it clear i don't matter at all and lies to me. It's safe to say I was barely hanging in there, just about coping as it was.

When I met my partner contact time was every Sunday. Recently this changed to every other weekend Sat-Sun whereby my partner stays at his mum's with his son. And since I have been pregnant, it changed again to Friday to Sunday.

He says I knew he had a child and he's right, I did know that. But i didn't enter a relationship with him with this agreement in place; it was entirely different the majority of our relationship. I also didn't know contact would increase so drastically the second I was pregnant nor that I would have such a difficult pregnancy. Is it wrong to resent him being away every other weekend all weekend?

Anyway last weekend he had his son, and because he has commitments at work next weekend, he has also arranged (behind my back) to have his son this weekend. The issue is he had made prior plans with me and promised to have some us time. It will have been five weekends in a row without making any time for me, and he knows how much im struggling mentally. He made these arrangements without telling me and then lied about them making out the ex had just reminded him about this Sat-Sun. It wasn't until today (Friday) that he said he also had his son tonight (Friday) as well as the Saturday and the Sunday. We were supposed to be viewing a house this afternoon, then together with this evening and baby shopping in the morning. (His son doesn't know yet) These were pre-existing plans. Is it fair to cancel on me and lie to me when I need him most?

I have gotten myself into such a hormonal wreck that I have cried all day and feel like I don't matter at all. I already felt terrible, but then my hormones just took over, and i haven't been able to stop thinking how mean and selfish he is all day.

Yes, children come first, but surely I matter too? Surely, if I'm in an absolute state and not coping with pregnancy, then supporting me should matter as well?

If you lie to somebody and make them feel worthless when they are in a bad mental state already you should be there to pick up the pieces?

Tonight was extra contact time afterall; his son would have been fine had he cancelled or compromised to make time for me also. I feel like if he doesn't make time for me now when I need him most, when can I ever trust him to be there for me unless it's convenient? Can I believe that he cares or loves me?

He seems to think that being a good dad means that if he is offered extra contact time, he has to cancel any existing arrangements we have immediately. As if he's not allowed his own life or plans with me. His mentality is "well I'm not going to say i don't want my son" . I'm not saying he shouldn't want his son, but making time for me too should also be a priority right?

Is that fair, should I be able to plan a family and bring a child into a world where I can't make plans without them changing at the last second?

Am I expecting too much that he should speak to me before making plans that affect plans we already have in place? Am I wrong to expect him to compromise? Should I be made to feel bad for having a terrible day and expecting my partner to be here for me? I'm losing my mind...

The worst thing is every time he cancels on me or isn't here to support me; it makes me resent his child just a little bit. It makes me dislike my partner too and makes me lose faith in him. I don't know if I can stay in a relationship with somebody who isn't there for me when I need them.

Kids come first, I understand that. But, if your pregnant girlfriend is falling apart and breaking down and crying to you on the phone, and your son is safe and sound.... surely you would be there for her? He cancels on me all the time to see his son more, but can't make any arrangements to be there for me just once?

Is it reasonable or unreasonable to feel this way? He still could have had him the rest of the weekend or asked his parents to have him tonight. There were a million ways he could have been here for me when I needed him most. Especially since he knows he set me off in the first place by lying to me all week and telling me at the last second.

He did offer once to come down for 20 mins at about 2, but I was in the middle of practically hyperventilating on the phone and stubbornly said no as I knew I was on a time limit. He has since used this as justification as to why he hasn't come to the rest of the day even tho about 20 mins later I said I did need him to be here for me and practically begged him to come to see me for hours following that.

I feel like the lowest of all priorities, like my feelings don't matter at all. I feel worthless, and like I have genuinely been shown that I will never mean enough to him , not even when I carry his child and am falling to bits.

Sorry, this post is so long, it's been therapeutic getting it all out and venting.

Ok, first, why does he have

Ok, first, why does he have to leave and go to his mother's to spend time with his son? Is your partner going to his own mother's house or his ex's house? This compartmentalization of his life will not work long term. Lots of people keep their kids at their own house and they can both see their kid and spend time with their significant other.

Before we met we had both

Before we met we had both moved back in with our parents to save up after prior breakups.

Since we have been together the plan was to stay at my mums until we could save for a mortgage. Obviously finding out we are pregnant means we have to speed up that timeline and rent instead.

But in the mean time he goes back to his parents to have his son every other weekend. This is only recent. It was only ever Sunday daytimes before Christmas. Then sat-sun for a while and all of a sudden Fri-Sun. And this month 3/4 weekends.

I'm just struggling so much and need him to be there for for me just once. He could have found a thousand ways to still see his son over the weekend but show me I mattered too. His mum would have had him if he asked.

Seeing as he had already lied about the whole thing And backed out of existing plans we had too it's just too much and makes me resent them both. I know I shouldn't but I am just loosing my mind.

It sounds like it will be

It sounds like it will be hard until you have a place of your own. He is probably experiencing guilty daddy syndrome and feels pressured to say yes to everything involving his son. When you have your own place, he won't have to physically choose between you and his son. Now, if he still ignores you even though you are in the same house, that will be a problem.

You said that you

You said that you were surprised that you were able to conceive naturally. I am guessing this was a suprise to him as well. Is he fully on board with this pregnancy or is he still getting used to the idea? If he is not 100% with it yet, that does not mean he never will be but if it was not in the plan then he may need some time to process it. You may not be on the same page right now and that could be contributing to the issues. Some patience with him coming to terms with becoming a father for the second time and giving him some space might be the best gift you can give to the health of your relationship. Is there anyone else that you can lean on for support right now?

Erm , I hadn't thought of

Erm , I hadn't thought of that to be honest. But it doesn't feel that way. If anything his totally all for it from what he says. He told his family and asked all the dates so he can come to appointments. Looked at houses to rent ect ...

Beside , even if that was the case ... his still supposed to love me and be there for me, Which he hasn't been not unless he happens to be free on that day.

when his here in the moment he seems to totally love me and be a real partner. But the second there are other commitments I don't exist. No phone calls. No support. Nothing. Then he thinks he can just come back Monday after leaving me this way all weekend and thinks that's acceptable?

Baby or not , I'm not sure I can cope with that level of commitment and support from a partner. Is it wrong to expect more from him ? To expect to have some of our plans stuck to. To expect him to make adjustments once in a blue moon if I need support too during a really difficult and stressful pregnancy?

This was my question, too -

This was my question, too - but you are right. You both chose to have unprotected sex, so if he got you pregnant as part of HIS CHOICE, he needs to be there for you. But it sounds to me like he doesn't want another child, and he's just playing along so he doesn't look like a jerk.

Sorry - yes, he should be there for you, and yes, you should matter. I think you have a decision to make.

"Kids come first".

Ok but you're pregnant, with HIS kid too.

I went through this WHOLE DAMN situation too! I was miserable, just get out now while you can. This is not the life you want to marry into, trust me. Kids should not come before a marriage, kids are the responsibility of the couple, but he needs to make you a priority.

Thank you. I felt like I was

Thank you. I felt like I was going crazy.

I mean , if his son was poorly or had nowhere else to go or anything I would understand. But in that moment I needed him to be there for me and he wasn't. I feel like I can't trust him to be with him after that. I have never been so hurt by somebody before.

he makes out like I'm unreasonable to have needed him whilst he had contact. Unfortunately I can't help when I'm having a bad time.

Oof. First off I'm so sorry

Oof. First off I'm so sorry you are dealing with this alone

" Kids come first" of course they do honey they clean up and pay rent to our parents

Your situation is a bit off. I'm not sure what to say besides getting a new place and making sure your SO stays in line creates and sticks boundaries

Extreme reaction

Dont depend on someone else for your emotional state. Life is going to get much harder. Put on your big girl panties, get some counseling and manage your anxiety. He could leave you, get hit by lightening, your child could get cancer, or have disabilities or become a teenage drug addict. You need to manage yourself. Not trying to be harsh, but I've been there, done that.

That makes sense and is

That makes sense and is probably the usual advice I would give somebody too.

it's just , with so many different areas of my life being difficult right now and hormones too im definitely not coping the way I usually would.

anybody that knows me would stay I was strong , I have never had mental health issues and usually just bounce back.

personally , I feel that is the point of having a partner. Someone to be with you and support you when times are difficult. And his not. Which is probably why it's having such a huge impact on me. It's the one time I need him to be there , justifiably , given my situation.

But thank you.

Extreme reaction

If you are breaking down, hyperventilating and sobbing over an unexpected change of plans than you need to re-evaluate this relationship. You are pregnant, not sure how far or how young you are, but YOU need to take care of YOU and your baby. Guys are not attracted to needy, weepy girls. You need to get it together and get some confidence, education and job skills.

You aren't wrong for feeling

You aren't wrong for feeling that way at all. You need him inn these times. He's feeling guilty, he doesn't want to say no to more time with son because maybe the kid will see it as dad don't want me etc. I felt this way months back before I gave birth. Iwas tired and 8 months pregnant in the summer, my DH kept insisting on being outdoors with his kids so I stayed home by myself. He'd give me attitude about it and say I somehow would ruin his time he had with his kids so the days they would visit iwould leave to my parents house. Once baby was born I had all my attention to the baby and to me since i was going through some postpartum blues while he entertained his kids cause somehow they still were first. I'd leave to my parents again and he somehow got mad how i wasn't giving his kids attention or to him. That's when i went all out and told him exactly what he told me that my baby comes first to me just how his are first to him. Since that argument he made sure he made time for me or reschedules if needed.

When I was pregnant with my

When I was pregnant with my first as well, DH and sd7 made my life hell. I was very sensitive during my pregnancy, I was scared and didn't know what to expect. On the weekends when SD was here, I hated seeing how DH would be super dry with me and had no interest whatsoever in the baby stuff, and yet played the role of "perfect daddy" when SD was here. She was so ridiculous to the point she wanted to continue to cosleep with Daddy at night. DH would never think twice and do exactly what stepbrat wanted, expecting me to third wheel with them, lying on a fucking air mattress, pregnant! This went on for a long time until one day I had a total meltdown and told her to go TF to her room and sleep like girl her age with a night light. DH got to hear a piece of my mind, while I left pretty clear that I am the one who is pregnant with HIS child, I am his wife and he needs to prioritize me as such. I am in a delicate condition and he needs to man TF up before I decide to take myself and my baby out of the situation.

Things did get a bit better, but it's still a struggle. If you can avoid this life, please do.

I'm glad things got. Enter

I'm glad things got. Enter for you. Sounds like you had a difficult time too. I'm sorry to hear that.

It's just so hard to justify staying "incase" things get better , staying on a gamble that when he sees the baby born he will suddenly treat me right. Surely he should do that anyway? but then on the other hand, what if they could get better and I spoil any chance at my baby having a real family.

When someone shows you who

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

When is the wedding date?

Expectation vs. Reality

I haven't read every comment on this post, so if someone has already stated what I'm about to write, I appologize.

Here's the thing. You're going to make yourself sick (and already have) with what you EXPECT your partner to do for you, vs the REALTITY of what he's actually doing for you. Should he support you more? Probably. Is he? Nope.

You can't change him. The only thing you have in your control right now is how you move through the world and your reactions to it. You have a pregnancy (perhaps a high risk one) that you have to consider. From this moment on, consider yourself on your own. Don't rely on him. Look to other family and friends for support. Tackle the things in your control and forget the rest. Stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet. If those situations arise, you can deal with them then.

Think about what you can do for yourself today? Eat right, get plenty of rest, go for a walk in the sunsine, listen to some music, drink a delicious herbal tea, count your blessings. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to.

I know my advice seems simplistic, but ultimately, YOU are responsible for YOU. Don't expect this man to be there for you.

You made a poor choice of a

You made a poor choice of a father for your child. However, that does not mean that either you or your child have to continue to be sacrificed on the alter of a shitty father and POS life partner.

You need to gain clarity in a hurry that children never come before the partner or the adult relationship. Whether they are your BKs, his BKs or even if it is a joint child. Which is exactly why your current relationship has zero chance of success. Your asshole fiance puts his prior relationship breeding experiment before his mate. Which is why you need to understand right now that if you are ever going to have a viable equity life partnership with any man of quality you have to commit to the relationship as your priority. This is critical for your own child. Modeling a quality mutually respectful equity life partnership for your own child to have as a foundation for their own future relationships is what quallity parents do.

So, take this opportuntiy of your current employement ending, leave, have your child in another state and leave this asshold and his shallow and polluted gene pool far behind both you and your child.

A do over is a good thing. Taking one now that will reset your own future and protect the future of your undborn child makes a whole lot of sense to me.

You chose poorly. Stop repeating this poor choice hour by hour and move on. Start you new life and do not give another second to the old one.

Congrats on the baby and good luck starting your new life.

Congratulations

ON your new bundle of joy!

If that was me, in your situation with a "D" H that was ignoring my pleas, I would get my ducks in a row and consider leaving.

The relationship comes first, as a priority. If he cannot prioritise NOW, he wont do any better later. Definitely do not marry this man. Consider your options.

You are here

Am I unreasonable? Is it wrong to expect to matter too ?