Coming into a relationship with someone who has children is incredibly hard. It's so easy for people to judge and make you feel like a monster for having a normal response to a sudden, chaotic environment where you have little control. 

It's good you're being honest with yourself about how you feel about his kids. It might help to identify what exactly about the kids do you not like. I imagine them representing the previous relationship with that horrible woman being part of it. How old are they? What are they like towards you? How much does your BF expect from you when he has them? Does he give them a certain kind of attention that makes you uncomfortable? 

Don't feel bad for deciding to be absent while they're with their dad, especially while you're figuring this out. If it makes you feel better to have some alone time for most of that weekend, then definitely do that. It will be best for your well-being and everyone else's. Make lots of plans with friends and family, get some exercise, go to the movies.

While you are around them, remember that you aren't obligated to anything with them. They have two parents in their lives. If you happen to develop a positive relationship with them, then that's an added bonus. It isn't always like that and that's okay. Just find ways to keep some space between you and the kids while they're there. 

One thing that helped me was to think about yourself and your dad. If it was a good relationship or a relationship you wish was better, think about how it would mean to you if your dad made you a priority. Even if it's every other weekend. Also, remember that any relationship you do develop with them will be between you and them. It will be exclusively between you, and the mom won't be a factor while you're around them. If you find yourself open to trying to connect with them, teach them something you enjoy. Like a recipe or how to fix something, or how to draw something. You can just be the fun, positive person in their lives while their dad does all the heavy lifting. 

I never imagined my life would end up being a horrible warning for others - but here we are.  I am you - or I was you, 9 years ago.

I dreaded when his kids came over, but I thought I would get over it, that I would learn to love them. These things take time, give yourself a chance, blah blah blah. Or maybe things would change, we wouldn't have the kids most weekends, BM would move away or something daydreamish like that. 

Cut to today - we are still together, we even had a kid together. The SK's are still with us most weekends. And I freaking can't stand them. They aren't even bad kids. I just never warmed to them, resent them wholeheartedly and really wouldn't mind if I never ever saw them again. I don't really think of them as siblings to my kid even though I go through the motions of it. The best times are when they aren't here.

It has been a miserable 9 years to be honest.  Imagine dreading 90% of your weekends for 9 years. That's my life with step kids. They are part of my kids life and I wish they weren't. It sucks.

I wish I felt differently but I don't. Yeah, I might be a monster. And I do feel sorry for his kids because they have no control over this. I should have never moved in with him when I didn't love his kids, but I hadn't discovered this site and I had a stepmum myself so thought I understood it. I didn't, if anything this experience has made me realise how shitty my stepmum really was to me and how dysfunctional my upbringing had been afterall. 

But I think it is something that can only change with a lot of therapy that my SO wasn't prepared to pay for (and I couldn't afford it).

I know there are success stories out there. I think if the relationship with BM can stay civil (ours isn't) that can help a lot. I think it's so so much harder to love someone else's kid than your own. You are already at the resentful stage. Don't waste 10 years or more of your life dreading your home time like me.

*Editing to add - yes, I should have moved out and it's not fair on his kids at all but unfortunately it's not financially viable and will not be financially viable unless this corona virus causes our housing market to tank a lot. 

I’m not saying this to be harsh, but the reality is you aren’t ‘perfect’ if you can’t stand his kids. 

Youre not a monster for feeling that way, a lot of posters here don’t like their skids & dread the time they have to spend with them. A lot of those same posters would say if given the chance to do it all over again for their spouse the answer would be no.

Reality is your skids will be the siblings of your child, and that can be a tough pill to swallow. You will always feel jealous of people you know who don’t have to deal with skid issues. Who get to have their first baby together with their spouse. Who don’t have to deal with skid scheduled while they prepare for their upcoming labour. Who don’t have to deal with baby mama drama, etc etc etc. 

It will be a lifetime of sacrifice on your part, and it does not get better. They will be in your life for the rest of the time you’re with your partner, and depending on the kind of parents they have, you could be living with skids for years and years to come. This is not an easy life. The best advice I can give you, and advice I wish I had been given/listened to myself, is to be incredibly selfish right now and think of what’s best for YOU. 

Dont let yourself believe fairy tales about your partner and how perfect and amazing he is, the reality is that he’s a package deal and you don’t actually like a huge part of that package. His baggage sucks, and choosing to stay with him despite that is going to make your life very, very hard. 

If I were you, I’d end this relationship and find a childless man. I know it’s easier said than done, because you love him and want your life together to be great & cant imagine meeting someone you feel as strongly about as you do this guy. But staying with him won’t be butterflies and rainbows, especially if you’re feeling this way already. I used to think of my skids as my own & think my DH was a wonderful father.. I absolutely do not feel that way about them anymore, have had a ton of issues with how he parents them, and am now dealing with how to protect my kid from thinking the way they behave/are parented is normal/ok without alienating them from their siblings. It’s f*%king HARD. Put yourself first and find someone without kids. 

Everything Monkeysee said is accurate. I'm one of the few who actually likes and loves my SKs, and one of the even fewer who doesn't mind steplife because it's what I was raised in. But that doesn't make it easy. That doesn't mean I don't have moments where I just want to say eff it and drive off into the sunset, never to be seen or hears from again.

I preach a lot about compatibility on this site because that's where most of people's issues start. They get serious in a relationship and only look at the ways in which they work WELL together. They don't look at the elephants in the room that will make their relationship hard or impossible to flourish. They don't consider that those incompatibilities might end up changing from a rare occurence to a new norm (for you, BM could die or leave and your SO ends up with his kids full-time). They don't put weight on where they are compatible and incompatible and realize that some things mean more to them than others.

A good relationship shouldn't be defined by the quantity of good versus bad things. You could have a perfect relationship 90% of the time, except that 10% is you being beaten, belittled, or cheated on. I'd take 70% perfect with 30% "eh, could be better" over that 90/10 any day of the week.

Not being compatible isn't a judgment on the other person. It just means they aren't the right person for you. I think you are coming to, or have come to, that conclusion. "If only" is a fine state to live in if you're talking about a house or a car, but not if you're talking about another person you are expecting to grow together with and build a life with going forward.

The only real advice I can give you is to take off those rose-colored glasses that paints your SO as "perfect, but" and see your situation for what it is. If his kids are little a-holes, it's probably because he's a pretty passive father that lets himself and you be disrespected. That's a nasty trait that can slip over to your own kids. 

Then, you have to look at why BM and your SO ended up divorced/separated. The BM in my situation is several different kinds of whackadoodle, but I can see the traits in my DH that did not help in their marriage. To me, they aren't traits I'd leave him over, but I could see why someone else would/could. And BM being an abusive <insert choice word here> doesn't negate that my DH has bad qualities that made him a less-than-stellar husband. He had the potential to ruin it himself, she just did it faster and better.

So *really* look at those good qualities. When something annoys you, get to the root cause as to why. That's a painful journey. I know that my DH's gets his Captain Save-a-Mofo personality from his dad, but he has also seen how that has hurt his dad. DH has earned his title on his own because he has CHOSEN not to overcome it and defy what his dad (whom I love dearly) has taught him.

If looking at your world without those glasses reveals some cracks in the perfection, good. That allows you to better weigh if the good outweighs the bad, if the potential worst case scenario is livable if it were to happen.

Step life isn't easy. I think the ones who survive it and remain healthy are those who accept it for the sh*tshow it can be. Many survive it for the worse because they just ignore it, or they alienate their SKs from their partner. THAT scenario is the failure. It's not the scenarios where the relationship ends; those are successes because people realized, as they should, that it wasn't for them. But remaining and being miserable, or having to disconnect entirely from a portion of the life you're in (it's 52 days a year for the next maybe 10 years, so 1.5 years where you're unhappy in those 5) isn't healthy, and sticking it out isn't a success.

Perhaps recognizing that other aspects aren't perfect will make the steplife easier to swallow. Maybe digging deep and realizing that the 15% of your life that is directly involved with the SKs is not that bad or is really a lot of quality time that has poor quality will help you make a decision. You're not a bad or crazy person for not wanting this, but you do need to make a decision to accept or leave this for your own sake. There is no solid method by which we can tell you to do that, though.

Nothing wrong with not wanting someone else's kids at home. No judgement as I don't want young kids at home either.

But then you shouldn't date or live with or marry men with young kids. You really shouldn't. I don't want young kids at home so I wouldn't ever date let alone live with men whth young kids. 

also now he sees them only 4 days a month and you already hate it but imagine if something happens to kids mother they'll come live with you full time. Things could change any time.

at this point as you aren't married it's easier to leave. I'd leave and look for childless men or at least men whth grown children and out of the house 

Absolutely no judgment here whatsoever.  It would nice if blended families could all be like the "Brady Bunch", but that show wasn't based on reality.  

Im curious if there's anything specific about his children that you dislike? (Ie is it their personalities? Are they demanding? Spoiled? Act out?). Or is it just their very existence? 
 

My DH came in tow with 2 children, who were both under 10 when we met (if I have the math right).  I saw them sparingly initially for several years due to distance and custody arrangements.  Then things changed!  DH moved closer to my area, had his kids EVERY WEEKEND, and I REALLY started to see how BM and her mother had brainwashed the kids, especially the daughter to hate DH and ME!  Additionally, I couldn't help but notice behaviors in the children that were odd and even abnormal, and I soon found myself dreading weekends!

In my situation, the kids' mother became terminally ill.  SD wanted to move in with us her Jr year in high school.  I thought the stress of watching her mother's illness and coming passing was taking a toll on her and encouraged DH to save her.  My life got miserable on a 24/7 basis.  Two years into her living here, her brother voiced to me that he was lonely with BM...I told DH what SS had shared with me, and once again encouraged him to save SS too.  
 

He did...and yes, things only got worse! SD moved out after 3 years due to hating our rules.  SS is still here, a SR in high school, and I once again, am longing for the day he launches.  He's wrought LOTS of issues, too, so there's that. 
 

If I could do it over again, I would a) never have agreed to live together and b) in my fantasy world, and in hindsight, would never have encouraged DH to have the kids live here. In my hope to give them a normal life, I made myself miserable.  
 

OP, as the others said, it's not a "perfect" relationship because there is no such thing - and you can't erase his kids from his life.  They and BM will always be around.  And as you describe it, he doesn't stand up to either the kids or BM very well, which means there will be lots of boundary stomping all around from all of them; and eventually, you will no longer feel sorry for him for having been abused by BM - you will be angry at him for not finding his backbone and standing up to them.  Passive people become a drain on you after a time, because they are always so helpless, which means you have to pick up the slack.  And you will get really tired of hearing about how he can't set limits on BM or the kids because he's "afraid" of what will happen.

You can't change the circumstances of his situation, you can only accept him as is and learn to deal with it; or let him go. Your gut is telling you to let him go, hence all of your bad feelings about the kids.

At any time, his kids could be living with you full time. Really imagine that. 

Love is NOT enough. Unfortunately, this is not the right relationship for you. Find a childless man. 

I would think very hard about about having children with him. Feelings towards step kids can change when people have their bio kids ‘together’, and not always for the better. Step kids can get jealous for many reasons and cause problems, and if you think it’s hard now without your own kids it might become a lot more difficult later on. 

If he is a good parent and good at setting boundaries I guess you might have half a chance. 

If you don’t want to be over involved with your step kids there is nothing wrong with that. In laws etc don’t always agree with this approach, but the marriage is between you and him, so not their business. 

I've started a response to this twice and deleted it because there's soooo much I could say. lol. I've been married to DH for 20 years, and I met my SSs when they were 3 and 4, now 24 and 25. It's been a LONNNNGGG, bumpy road, complete with PAS and estrangement for 5-6 years, which made for peace in our home (since there were NO EOW visitations) but which made my DH severely depressed. Now that my SSs are grown, 99% of the time, my DH and I have that amazing, wonderful life that we had all those years when SSs weren't around. We have our own DSs 18 and 12, and are very close with them. The relationship with both SSs is rocky, and seems based around what we can give to or do for SSs. It's very superficial, and my DH is on eggshells when the SSs are around due to fear of "losing" them again if everything is not about them and the way they want it. Because our relationship is otherwise excellent and because the issues with the SSs are so infrequent (though when there are issues, they're doozies) I can honestly say, even knowing what I do now, I'd rather have the life I do with my DH than NOT having it. After 20 years married, I love him more than ever. That said, I'm now 50 years old and was 29 when I met DH. About a solid decade was fraught with issues involving the SKs. It was NOT easy and I HATE thinking about those years. And I also HATE the issues with SSs that DO come up, since DH STILL is afraid of losing what little contact he has with them if he doesn't do what they want. It's a sad way to live. I'm sure there are alternatives, but not for my DH because he's not willing to risk losing them. So, I have no real advice, and you can take from that anything there is to take from it. lol. Best of luck!

You've tagged this post "stepmum21" - is that your age? Because if it is, and if you really can't stand being around his kids, and despite being with him for a long time (how long have you been with him, BTW?), I'd be asking myself if I was really prepared to spend the next 15 years of my life or so cringing every time his kids come by. How do you envisage your life in 5 years time? Do you want children of your own? Can you face the idea of having his kids full-time should anything happen to their mother? 

Just a few thoughts ...