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So, I was right. Also, launching strategies

Steptotheright's picture

Submitted by Steptotheright on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 10:40am

SS15 was on the game as soon as he got home Friday. He's had a death grip on that thing all the way till now.

Despite SS15 failing grades and promises of punishment for them and for sneaking to play in the middle of the night on a weekday, not even a peep from SO. As expected.

Whenever I even attempt to discuss launching strategies of SK's to SO, even calmly. SO escalates it and it becomes a fight.

"I just think it's good to have a common sense plan for these kids' futures, because academics doesn't appear to be panning out," I say. "We have to discuss this at some point and can't keep sweeping it under the rug."

SO is against kids going into military service. So I proceed to suggest national parks, resorts, cruiseliners, or merchant Mariners, which all off the top of my head are room and board included jobs. When I was 18'ish, I chafed under my parents' thumbs and wanted to leave, and found room and board included jobs for a while, until I attended college.

In my opinion, when a child reaches that age, either they leave to gain more autonomy and freedom (the respectful way) or... They fight the restrictions and rules imposed on them, and in effect, start to fight their parents to get that autonomy, and MAKE their parents lift their thumbs. (The unrespectful way)

I am in the thick of three SK's going the unrespectful way. And it is impossible to set rules or boundaries as a step with a pushover spouse.

SO: "Why are you panicking? You just hate them. I don't know what to do, and I will not be damn well pressured by YOU right now about this. Just shut up!"

SO's strategy here is head in sand, and then gaslighting and ridiculing me when I say something. Disengaging has helped a bit, but I see this impending doom of having three 18+ dropout or barely passed (SD16?) SK's under our roof, making it impossible to set boundaries and rules for my DS and DD w/o them resenting it. They see what's going on, and they will want the same allowances.

Anyway, when SO has calmed down I'm going to try to have the talk again. Does anyone have anymore launching strategies besides the ones I mentioned?

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 10:44am

I think you need to launch yourself. I would not tolerate being dismissed and told to shut up. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 11:02am

Jesus, right?

My DH grew up basically being taught that telling someone to shut up was like cussing them, it is so rude. In 23 years, I have NEVER heard him tell anyone to shut up, and believe me, I push limits sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what your future entails regarding his kids.

 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 11:39am

DH has told me to shut up two times, both when he was under extreme stress. Both times I countered him IMMEDIATELY - that is not an acceptable response. It means the person being told to do so has no interest, opinion, input the other person wants or cares about (aside from being in life/death situation and shutting up is essential for living). So don't take it!

Or, really do take his instruction literally. No more talking about skids and no more help. Done. Tell him if skids are not out by the time they graduate high school, or if they drop out, YOU will be moving out. One tell. I told DH this too.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 12:20pm

And really, what is wrong with your SO that he is not concerned with his own son's education and progression into adulthood?

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 2:58pm

Exactly, that's the big question. How dare you ask what the plan is for his children, one of whom is 21, to become independent adults? How DARE YOU? You just hate them. You must hate them to want them to be successful adults. You just shut up, you have no right to expect that MY kids will EVER grow up and leave home!

BM is allowing my SS20 to do absolutely nothing with his life, and I do.not.get it.  It must meet a need of hers to have him 100% dependent on her, that's all I can figure.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 12:56pm

When you and people of my generation were 18 there were rules and regulations to chafe against.

In this modern-day age of permissive parenting there are no rules and regulations to chafe against so no incentive to leave home.

You can't care more than the biological parent so obviously he wants you to shut up about his never launchers.  Of course they will be Financial repercussions if you stay when his never launchers start draining money out of your pocket either directly or indirectly.

Mandy45's picture

Submitted by Mandy45 on Sun, 02/23/2020 - 7:08am

Well According to my dh when lazy high school drop out never had a job sd hits 18 (which is in 4 months) something miraculous will happen. Like a switch will go off in her head and sd will get off her ass that she been sitting on for the past 3 years start looking for a job suddenly become pillars of society. Move on to do great things. WTF does he really believe his own bull??? 

Does he forget I've raised two successful bio kids??? 

So I dont know what planet dh is on. 

But apparently this is a thing. 

You have to laugh at the bull dhs will use to shut you up. When you see there little spawns being there till there 40.