SD is back after no contact for 5 years
I've been in turmoil this passed few weeks. I met my husband after he split with ex wife and we are now married. The ex wife is narcissistic and everything unpleasant. The ex wife would not let my DH see daughter 14 and poisoned her against him. It was terrible. Lots happened to much to put on here . He always paid maintenance but they basically cut him off. The mum met a new partner soon afterward and she pushed for this man to take the dad role . They also have now split up. In that time my DH was purposely left out of special occasions, Christmas, birthdays, her prom, her 18th etc. SD is now 19 almost 20, she is now working . Every time we have anything to do with SD it's ended unpleasant. She even once wrote a page of " terms and conditions " in Order to see her dad that she wanted him to agree to . I realise this was probably her mother's influence though.The last maintenance payment was made jan 4 th . Coincidentally her mother's ex partner contacted us to say how abusive the mother is etc but we already knew this. For a split second I felt sorry for SD and her mother's manipulation. I reached out to her to say we know how they have been living and she's almost a woman now and she doesn't have to put up with her mums rages and if ever she needs somewhere to go our door is always open. (I meant if she can't put up with her mum anymore ) she was very nice to me and immediately contacted her dad.
In this last 5 years my DH and i have created a happy life together, bought a house, got married, and stuck together through all this unpleasantness. It's been difficult at special times such as Christmas as I feel so sorry for him. He finally got to the stage where he accepted this alienation and that was that.
so SD contacted my DH . We met her and talked to her. she was nice enough but I don't trust her one bit. Since then she has been texting back and forth with DH to arrange a second meet. I also have daughters of a similar age who are not keen to rekindle any friendship with her. Reason for this was the last time I got us all on board and tried to make her feel as welcome as possible as her mother had told her her dad had a new family etc and didn't want to know her. She had a nice time with us but then caused a problem so my DH couldn't see her around her birthday time.
During the texts with DH trying to arrange the next meet up she basically said she was only free one evening this week. ( probably when her mother was working ) We actually had plans that evening so I cancelled them to be accommodating to her otherwise he would not have seen her.
My problem is I feel like we have lost control of the situation . My DH feels happy I suppose to have some sort of contact with her , and so do I for his sake so he can feel Truely complete .However for me I've never known her to be around on a long term basis and I'm struggling. Even for one evening a week. She reminds me too much of her mum and is very loyal and rightly so to her mum and can't or won't accept any wrong doing on her mother's part. I have suggested he goes out alone with her but he does not want to do that. He says she should come and be part of our life together.
I suspect she is either controlling like her mother expecting us to fit in with her busy life or her mother is telling her when she can visit. We both work and lead a busy life ourselves. It is annoying me . One example is I work from home until 6 and DH doesn't get in from work til 6 , I need time when I finish to get myself organised and tidy up a bit before she comes, get myself ready and prepare dinner for her . She has said to DH 7pm is too late to come and she wants to come earlier so he suggested 6.30 ish which I know will be more like 6:15. I know DH is trying to strike a balance but I feel like a power struggle is going on and that we are changing our life to accommodate her. I feel selfish especially for DH sake but I don't like it and it's putting me off him that he seems to be ending over backwards for her.
I even have thoughts about where she is going to sit at the table and hope she doesn't sit in the space that me and my DH and my daughters normally sit .
Are these feelings normal ? I dislike her mother so much and I'm not that keen on her for what they have put my DH through for no reason apart from to get maximum money from him. I feel selfish that I don't really want any disruption in our lives but I also know DH and SD have a right to be reunited. I'm just worried as this isn't the life I've signed up for or created with my DH when she didn't want to know him.
Why do you have to cook and
Why do you have to cook and clean and all these things? He can wake up early to clean, and he can cook or order food out. All because you work from home doesn't mean that it's your responsibility.
You can't be afraid to tell your DH that you aren't ready to reunite. Tell him that you think it's best for you if the two of them rebuild their bond first, and then you'll step in at a later date once they've been able to hash a few things out.
"Look DH, I'll be honest. I'm worried about her re-entering our lives and causing commotion again. I know she might not do it, but I need time to prepare myself for it. I know you don't understand, and that's okay. I want you to have a good relationship with your daughter, and I want to eventually have one, too. But I need more time."
If he gets angry, he gets angry. It won't be the end of the world.
Thank you for your reply. One
Thank you for your reply. One of the issues we had with her before was she expected DH to go and meet her alone and take her out for meals etc or go shopping so I think he wants to keep it as normal as possible to avoid this again. Eg her just pop in. The weekends don't suit her so it has to be an evening in the week. Also she's not happy to come around 7 pm to give us chance to either have dinner ourselves as we have been working all day or at least prepare for her arrival . I don't really like the way she has just arrived after this time and seems to be saying what suits her not taking into account of what we do. It's difficult. I don't want to upset anyone but feeling unhappy myself now
That's why I think you just
That's why I think you just need to busy yourself with other things. If DH feels a meal needs to be provided, he can put on a pot of soup or chili in the morning so it's ready when SD arrives. If this is just SD being manipulative, her truth nature will shine sooner rather than later. Just keep a comfortable distance from it, whether your DH likes it or not.
Your DH wants things to be
Your DH wants things to be normal when they are not. He wants to skip the steps of reconciliation. It's okay to ease back into things. People who get to "pop by" your house have usually earned that right through having a stable and trusting relationship with you. She hasn't. It's not that she can't in the future. But she hasn't earned that yet.
I don't think you should cancel plans to accomodate her. And I think this mostly has to be her and DH at first. She's busy most nights? He can meet her for breakfast before work.
I agree with others - don't cook and clean for her.
Realize that you not wanting to upset anyone - you're taking on the emotions that your DH and SD are avoiding. Disengaging is hard but allows the people with the baggage to actually have to face dealing with it. Don't be a vessel for their hurt, anger, pain, etc. The only way this has a chance of ending up well is if they face those things. And preferably in a therapist's office instead of your house, at least for the time being.
^^^THIS^^^
Very well put.
When my SS19 returned after 3
When my SS19 returned after 3 years of no contact it was very anxiety provoking. He was still sort of hostile and guarded, and we were guarded too. I even told DH I didn't want to be around him at all because everything he did in the past really made me anxious and I felt he was toxic.
Gradually, we all got more comfortable, But he still lives with BM and is therefore still very much like her and influenced by her. He's doing nothing with his life yet he seems to feel superior to others. DH is disappointed in him and mostly sees him now out of obligation.
My advice would be - take it slow and keep your boundaries firm. Guard against falling into a trap of DH trying to buy her love. And if it's all too much for you, you get to bow out entirely.
Something about last CS payment being made?
SD need someplace to get money to support herself in the way she thinks she needs to be. BM money is cut off,
You don't want SD to get one of those thing call a J O B. Be careful keep track of any money DH gives SD. I am sure and emergency is about to comeb
Reunification works best if
Reunification works best if you start with the primary relationship (father-daughter), and then gradually re-introduce others. But many of our partners don't really want to do the hard work, or they want us present as a buffer. This only adds stress to an already complicated situation, and puts a target on the SM as well. It's always easier to blame the outsider if things don't go well.
We are estranged from both of my DH's kids, and most of his family as well. I've told him he is free to work on those relationships, but he doesn't. I was always the facilitator you see, and since I disengaged, he doesn't want to do all the work and bear the brunt of the b.s.. I was the one who arranged his reunion with his younger daughter after his ex kept her away from him, and he'd love for me to work some relational magic and bring about healing again. But I've grown enough to realize that it isn't healthy for me to interfere, and the onus is on him to manage his relationships.
Don't allow your DH to use you as a buffer. Leave this between him and his daughter. It's not your responsibility to cook, host, or participate in his meeting with her. In fact, why not leave the house as soon as you finish work? Grab a bite to eat, do some shopping, and then return. Leave them to it.
...the onus is on him to
This needs to be added to the Stepmother's Bill of Rights. OP has fallen into the the stereotypical gender trap of facilitator of harmonious familial relationships, while her husband steps back and refuses to participate. The father should have been the first to reach out to his daughter, not well meaning SM. Now dad doesn't want to engage unless SM is there because he's scared of his child and needs SM to be the buffer due to his guilt, lack of parenting, and relationship skills.
Back away OP, DH is a big boy and needs to deal with this himself or with the help of a professional.
Ummmmm, nope. No more
Ummmmm, nope. No more catering to SD. You and DH live your life, stick to your scheduled commitments and SD works within that schedule or.... she doesn't.
"Daddy, I home after 5 years" does not earn that toxic now adult child any consideration at all.
My SD has been pretty much no
My SD has been pretty much no contact for 3 years except for a 6 month period a year and a half ago. She'll be 18 in a few months and I'm fairly certain based on some of the conversations that we had previously that she'll end up coming back somewhere around 18-19 when she feels like she has more power/say.
Personally I'm over helping her and once she's an adult she's on her own. I've had conversations with her dad and we've agreed that she's no longer welcome to stay overnight. We have a daughter who's 2 and I don't want her to have to deal with SD coming and going in her life and the heartbreak that comes with it.
I've put a lot of thought into this and if/when SD returns I don't want anything to do with her until she has a relationship with her dad for a while. I've tried to help her many times and it's never appreciated.
I'd say if the dinner is already setup find the easiest way to get everything ready and don't dress yourself it over it but going forward step back and let your DH handle the relationship.
My SS20 came back at 18.5
My SS20 came back at 18.5 after being alienated from 15 on - and he's never wanted to spend the night. He comes over once a month or so for dinner (cooked by DH - he never expected me to parent). I did exactly what you said, and avoided a relationship with him at first - and now when he comes over, I usually say hello, maybe eat with them for a bit and chat, and then go do my own thing.
She made a comment about
She made a comment about wanting to live with us when she turns 18 last time she was in contact so I made it a point to talk to her dad about it. He agreed that that wasn't going to happen and I don't think he'll change his mind about it if she ever asks. It's always when she stays with us for a few weeks that drama starts. I think her mom gets jealous and worries that she'll be replaced or something.
Oh Gosh ! Well after no
Oh Gosh ! Well after no contact for 5 years apart from 3 months ish in the middle, I messaged SD on Facebook after I learnt her BM next relationship had broken up and her rages were worse than ever . I said we know what you have been going through and if you can't take anymore then our door is always open . Within an hour she had texted her DH and said she wanted to see him. She acknowledged the problems she had witnessed but also whilst staying loyal to her BM which is fair enough. She hasn't however acknowledged the way she has treated DH or me in that period ( often sending nasty messages ) and cutting him out. Now it appears she wants a relationship with us both. I'm not sure what I am expecting really although I know I have bad anxiety over the arrangements, seeing her and what her real agenda is. I know she won't treat DH and BM equally or fairly though.
My DH would never let SS stay
My DH would never let SS stay more than a night. He's got no interest in dealing with his issues.
My SD wouldn't be allowed by
My SD wouldn't be allowed by her BM at 20 years old . She has a tracker on her phone and car so she can see where she is at all times and after one hour she messages constantly so I have no fear of that problem
My state requires Child
My state requires Child Support to 21, so there is no way BM would allow SS20 to move in with us (even if we would allow it - we won't) because then she would have to pay DH.
So it sounds like you don't have to worry about her wanting to live there at this point, or even stay over.
I can tell you from
I can tell you from experience, you getting involved in the worst thing to do at this point. You've already messaged your SD so nothing you can do about that part but stay out of it going forward. I know you meant well, most of us do but you can NOT facilitate or fix a relationship between your DH and SD (I tried time and time and it backfired), it's theirs to fix and more than likely broken before you came on the scene. And your DH needs to know you are not his buffer to escape dealing with his DD. He wants you there because he doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship with his DD and want you to do the heavy lifting for him. He would much rather you be the target than him without even realizing he's throwing you under the bus before it even moves. You may feel anxious because you know deep down that your SD will probably not be genuine in her reunion with you and your DH. There's probably a motive or more drama to come. And she more then likely told/showed her BM your message, they are loyal to their crazy BM to a fault. Thread carefully.
I would keep the polite but distant stance until you know for sure that your SD and DH are on a road to recovery without BM's negative influence. Often times, SD's (especially) that are/were victims of PAS will use the SM for her kind heart to get in good graces with her BD while stabbing the SM in the back and laughing at you both (DH) with BM at the same time just to come back with more force and ready for war with that SM and BF if he dares defend you, his wife. She can say all day long she wants a relationship with you both but she's contacting your DH for a reason. She more than likely don't want YOU but she will use you if you allow her to. Just guard your heart. Actions speaks louder.
Lastly, don't bend over backwards to appease this SD. If your DH does that's on him but you need to let her and him know that you are the Queen of the castle and will not be manipulated by her or your DH. And frankly she does not want your help but at the same time you contacting her let her know that her BF is yearning for her love and that's all the supply she needs to run with her BS to see how far she can go this time or how much she can get out of you both. Be careful a PAS COD is a dangerous and manipulative person unless she has had professional help or saw the light.