It is DH's responsibility to address this with BM.  BM is to be told that if there is an emergency she will be contacted.  Otherwise, she is not to call your home or your DH will get a restraining order on her.

Sometimes our DH's are running scared, thinking if they get BM angry she will cause more problems as far as visitation with the skids and they are concerned about the risk of her undermining their relationship. NEWSFLASH!!!  BM is already doing this.  DH had visitation rights which are court-ordered.  DH will have to get tough.

It wasn't that my SD (who was a good kid) was hard to love because of BM, there was just so much anxiety present because of BM, and because of that, I really didn't care if SD came over or not (even though I cared about her). BM just made pick ups, drops offs, and everything so stressful.

Once SD was here, we usually didn't hear from BM, so I was lucky in that respect.

I can understand where you are coming from, considering the harassment you have to deal with when the kids are there. You are not horrible, nobody wants to live with constant stress.

And identify with what you're saying.  Skids are mostly OK/managed by their dad when they're with us, but their BM makes it as hard as humanly possible to actually enjoy the time. 

First, they're painfully sleep deprived because there isn't a schedule or bedtime that is kept at her house.  Even though the kids are older (10 and 15), this is *still* an issue. 

Second, they're starving--either for food or attention, sometimes both!--because BM is emotionally absent and limits their food to "one serving, so they don't get fat," even though there's not an ounce of fat on either child. 

Third, DH is peppered CONSTANTLY with her bullsh*t messages.  I think it was 7 yesterday alone.  And if he says something is black, she says it's white, no matter what.  And she schedules medical appointments more than people change their underwear.  She has appointments scheduled for them on 1/20, 1/21, 1/22, and 1/23, all of which DH needs to attend.  Frankly, it feels a little like he's spending more time with her lately than me, which I suspect is her goal.  She hates him (and me), but she lives on stress and conflict.

Fourth, she fishes for information from the skids about our house and lives.  I hate it.  

Fifth, the skids are often sick and gross when they come in.  And they always smell like her nasty, trashy house.

Sixth, she makes it so hard for the skids (SS in particular) to enjoy themselves when they're not with her that we literally can't do anything if they're at our house.  We've tried roadtrips and vacations, but SS makes it miserable.  He vomits on purpose, for example, if we do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable about BM's reaction.  Oh, and she's told the kids that they don't have to be nice or follow our rules.  

And that's really just the beginning.  Yes, I get the pit in my stomach when the skids are due to arrive.  Sometimes well ahead of their arrival.  And my tummy turns every time she messages or calls (which are COd in case of emergency or on holidays).  DH isn't afraid of her, but frankly, he's been abused by her since 2001 (when they married), so every interaction is hard--especially given her HCBM status.

First he not parenting his kids.  Not letting them know he will not tolerate this behaves.  Two him letting BM control so much disrespect you and your family. 

I'm in a similar situation, except that in my case, SSs actively bring BM's drama to our home. One is constantly texting BM to complain about DH or our home or any other number of things, leading BM to send DH nasty text messages. 

They are also both constantly asking DH "why do you hate mom?!" because BM is always telling them that DH hates her. 

One or both of them tells BM every thing we do at our house, because DH will regularly get emails from BM complaining about specific things that we do. 

According to BM, both kids tell her that I tell them all the time how much I hate her and that I take away their phones because I'm "jealous" of her. 

I should feel bad for both of them because it must be a bit crazy making to have a mother like that, but instead I resent them, because I'm just supposed to sit silently and not have an opinion on what they do at my home. I'm not even allowed to ask them to pick up their own trash because DH is so afraid they won't want to come to our home anymore. I also have to hide things and be careful not to say anything within earshot that I wouldn't want BM to know. 

So, yes, I do dislike my SKids due to BM, but they are teens now and old enough to know that they are playing a role, so I feel like my dislike for them is also about them. 

I don't think I could ever love SSs. They are not terrible kids, but they are not overly loveable. They are entitled, inconsiderate, and demanding. 

Says.

so if she bans them seeing their dad because i must be present, they think they have the right to order their dad to make myself present. Their mum respects no boundaries and skids are just the same and answer back and often i feel hubby never has my back until i get into a big argument with him its like he has a choice to discipline his kids and demand appropriate behaviour but then he has to deal with the wrath of batshit crazy hcgubm or me, and it feels he prefers to keep the peace and doesn’t defend me until he really has to

My skid likes me, and he was fun to be around - at first. Then BM started her PAS campaign, and it became very stressful to have him around. He was not necessarily badly behaved in our home, but he did a lot of lying to teachers, therapists, attorneys, judges, on BM's behalf.  (And to us, of course).  I just couldn't trust him so I've always kept him at arm's length.  He was alienated for over 3 years, now he's back - still untrustworthy and aligned with BM.  So on the surface, we have a good relationship, but there is nothing deeper than that.

My boyfriends SS8 is mostly a good kid around us, but bad and violent at his Moms and school. SM is a bipolar suicidal alcoholic. I can't stand her and everything she has done and said to me. It makes me so angry at the boy. I ignore him a lot, very strict with him and I don't realize it until after the fact. I don't know how to stop. So I'm hibernating in my daughters room with her every weekend the boy is here. I don't know what else to do, besides leave. And I can't  right now.