Financial conflict regarding SS
I'm counting on you all to set me straight. I think I'm losing my mind. My husband and I started dating in 2010. He had one son (2 years old) but he was never married to the birth mom. I had 2 kids (5 year old son and 2 year old daughter). I was married to their birth father. We blended our families about a year into our relationship. From 2010 to 2013, we went to court several times to gain custody of his son. Birth mom had physical custody and my husband paid over $800/month in child support when we were first together. Birth mom is a drug abuser, no job - abusing the system. In 2013, we got married and were awarded full custody after we paid several thousand dollars in lawyer fees. Naturally my husbands obligation for child support ended. My SS only sees his birth mom every other weekend.
In 2017, we petitioned for child support and was awarded $80/month. She was also supposed to split all medial and sport related expenses with us. Over the years, she stopped paying the child support AND extra expenses leaving us in a deficit. (She owed about $500 in back child support and $600 in unpaid expenses). Sometimes she'd give us $50 a couple times a month, but nothing close to what she owed. Currently today (1/9/2020), she is in arrears for $2,300 for child support (having received a payment since 2018) and around $1,400 in past expenses.
As I mentioned, I brought 2 kids into the mix. My ex husband and I are extremely amicable and remain good friends. He does not pay child support since we share our kids 50/50. He does split all extra expenses and even picks up some without asking for me to reimburse him.
Both my son (now 16) and SS (now 12) play hockey which is an expensive sport with equipment being very pricey. My husband and I were discussing the equipment needs for both kids and it turned into a terrible argument and we currently aren't speaking to each other. Here is the issue. My husband thinks that his son (my SS) should have the same financial limits as my son when it comes to equipment. The issue I have is that my ex will split the costs with me, while my SS's birth mother will not. Or - is she does - it will he several weeks or month later and most likely not the full amount. Keep in mind, she already owes us over $3k already. Here's an example: a hockey stick will cost $200. My ex will pay half, leaving my husband and I responsible for $100. My SS's birth mom may or may not pay her half. My husband believes that his son should also be able to purchase the same stick even though we will have to pay the full $200. He says it's only fair. I don't agree. In my opinion, if one kid's stick is costing us $100 (1/2 of the stick), we should only provide the other child with $100 towards said stick. I struggle with constantly shelling out money to keep my SS "whole" while we're going broke picking up her slack. I think at some point, he needs to realize that without his bieth mother's financial backing, some things just aren't possible. I DO NOT want him to miss out on things that his older step brother does but we are definitely not well off by any means. Am I wrong? Am I somehow punishing the child bc his mom is a deadbeat? I don't know? Is it fair to me also? We share a checking account so it's not just my husbands money going to his son. Paying the extra money to keep him equal takes away from our budget.
The last 10 years have been a rollercoaster with his birth mom. Am I wrong to think that the out of pocket expense, not the sticker price is the only way to be fair about the situation? Most people would have told the child that they couldn't afford to allow the child to participate in the sport all together. My husband said he couldn't do that since my son plays the sam sport. BUT, my ex pays for 1/2 of EVERYTHING!
Please help me. It's really draining me emotionally and financially. My husband always tells me that I should calm down since I have 2 kids and he only has 1. My kids are only there 1/2 of the time, yet his is with us full time. No break from the daily costs. I talked to my mother in law about the situation and she suggested that my SS do extra chores to "repay" us for the extra money we spend on him. I suggested this to my husband and he shot it down immediately saying that we would be punishing my SS for something out of his control. I thought it was decent compromise for the time being even though I'm getting bitter about my hard weakened money being spent on my SS rather than being able to provide things for my kids. (To clarify, SS and my son needed hockey equipment last year. My husband insisted that my stepson needed the equipment more than my son did due to a growth spurt and went out and purchased around $700 in equipment. My son got NOTHING since we couldn't afford to but anything and still pay our bills). Now this year, my son will need head to toe equipment since we didn't provide anything to him last year. He surely witnessed his step brother sporting his new gear though!! My husband told me tonight that my SS was going to need another $300 in gear again. I told him that under no circumstances would my SS get anything before my son does. He laughed at me and said "we'll see about that". I really think we need help! Thanks in advance!
I'm open to all feedback.
Time for DH to go back to
Time for DH to go back to court for direct withholding of CS from BM's pay or benefits checks and to see if the court will apply pressure on her to pay.
And no, you are not being unfair. Go shopping first and when it is time to pay bills give them to DH.
His "we will see about that" comment would be game on for me.
SS should be using DS's old stuff that is too small for DS-16.
We've tried and tried to
We've tried and tried to modify the agreement but they won't award us any more support because my husband makes significantly more than her. She doesn't even make the required payments now so a modification wouldn't necessarily help. She's been in contmempt several times so she'll throw $20 towards her balance and Domestic Relations will let reset the clock. My husband would have been in jail had he stopped financially supporting his child by court order.
My SS and son are similar in heights so hand me downs aren't necessarily an option. To add to that, I did bring that up one time when we arguing about it last season. He replied that it wouldn't be fair for my son to get "new" stuff and his son only hand me downs.
His comment IS game on for me. This whole hockey situation will work itself out somehow like it always does but the disrespect is going to be what pushes me out the door. My husband isn't capable of communicating when things get tense. He shuts down and goes off topic so nothing gets resolved.
Direct payroll withholding
Direct payroll withholding does not require a trip to court. Your DH can make the request to the CSE office or DA to invoke direct payroll or benefit check withholding of CS from BM's income.
I totally understand your
I totally understand your frustration!
First thing, it does sound like you are a really caring and considerate step mom who wants the best for her kids and her skids, but just doesnt want to be taken advantage of - that is exactly how i feel / fight a daily internal conflict with myself over and my skids.
The only part i dont agree with is getting your SS to do additional chores to make up the difference/deficit of his BM. As you said it isnt is fault and he shouldnt feel the burdon because his mother is a f*ckwit, BUT your DH should!
I think if anyone needs to change their attitude its your DH. "He laughed at me and said "we'll see about that". Thats just obnoxious, not helpful and disrespectful. I agree with Rags above, as the younger son, no matter if SS or DS, he should be using hand-me-downs - isnt that how families of multiple children have worked since the beginning of time?
I think OP said the boys are the same height, so handme
downs do not work. As to the laughing, if OP was saying that her kid would get new equipment even if he did not grow and did not need it, I can see her DH saying we'll see. Kids get expensive new sports equipment when needed, not becuase other kid needed it. Maybe I did not understand what is going on.
I do feel sadness that his
I do feel sadness that his birth mom is piece of crap, but that's not on me and he certainly hasn't gone without anything. I've been there since he was 2 years old. We never really got to bond bc his mom would pin him again add me. She even accused my son of molesting my SS when they were 6 and 3 during our custody battle. Obviously unfounded but it has been a nightmare with her over the last 10 years. I should have ran back then. Everyone close to us knows what I've dealt with. When my father passed away, she and I were in a heated argument and she told me to "go home and hug my dad" and then laughed evilly and said "oh wait, you can't!" Like I said, I just struggle with the fact that more of my money and time go to my SS and it drives me insane. It really gets to me when we can't afford to provide for my kids because we're spending more money on the SS.
I don't necessarily agree with the extra chores either but every Thursday, all 3 kids have individual chores that rotate each week. That's all we ask of them. However, when my kids go to their dads house, they have chore to do there as well. I have talked to my husband and suggested that my SS pick up another small chore to complete when my kids are at their dads house (doing more chores) since he lives with us full time. Never happened. Interestingly enough, my son will clean up the dishes or do similar things just to help out whereas my SS does NOTHING without being asked. Yet, let's continue to give to the one that contiributes nothing and screw my kid, right?
in a response earlier, I mentioned that the kids are very similar in size so handy downs are not necessarily an option. When I suggested that idea along time ago, my husband explained that it wasn't fair for his son to get a received new. Yes, it any other family, hand me downs are the only way it works.
I really appreciate you taking the time to add your feedback.
Sorry that you're struggling
Sorry that you're struggling also! It's so hard! Just to be clear, we would never tell him that he had to do extra chores to make up the financial difference. Basically when my kids are at their dads house doing their chores, it would be nice if my husband would have his son do a few things like vacuuming the living room or sweeping the kitchen floor on one of the days it's just him at the house.
I guess after reading all of these responses I need to reevaluate my outlook. After all, I posted my issue for honest feedback so I need to be more open minded.
Does your second kid have
Does your second kid have expenses for sports or other activities? If so, how does that factor in? Seems to me that if you have 2 kids and he has 1, that balances out all expenses except the activities. It doesn't seem right to make SS have less because his mother is a deadbeat. Or to have to help pay. If anything DS 16 should help pay because he's old enough to be responsible for some of the expenses for his sport.
I know hockey is expensive but are you being frugal with BOTH kids? Unless they are headed to pro hockey do they really need the best equipment? Just because your ex will pay half doesn't mean you shouldn't look for the best deals. Are you frugal in general? Are there other places to cut expenses?
Let the comment DH made go. Or talk to him about it. "Game on" mindset will be the beginning of the end of your marriage.
Yes, my 12 year old daughter
Yes, my 12 year old daughter plays basketball but it is very inexpensive since it is a school funded sport. I think I only pay around $150 total for her activity.
Here is where I struggle - I'm not asking for my SS to go without, but how do I justify spending more for him? Yes, I'm frugal all day. Haha. We don't buy top of line for everything - really just on the important stuff like helmets and skates. There is a huge imbalance financially aside from just the equipment - I just tried to use that as the example. My 16 year old has always bought things with his own money. I'm proud of him for that. I don't believe he should have to supply his own equipment until he's 18. Now, that's not to say if his dad and I set a limit on an item and he wants something that costs more, then that's on him to pay the extra.
I'll have no choice but to let the "game on" comment go bc he argues crudely. I can't be that hurtful. However, I'm not a door mat and don't believe that anyone should be disrespected like that by someone they claim to love. I work hard too, I deserve a say in where our money goes.
You are spending WAY more on
You are spending WAY more on your son than your daughter. How do you justify that? I think that's important to think about.
IMO, it's justified because he doesn't have another parent to split the costs.
I do make it up with my
I do make it up with my daughter with other things and my husband is on board with that because he understands how much money we spend on the boys.
The point is, he does have someone that should be splitting cost because she still has shared legal rights to him. If she's not going to pay us for anything… Not just the extracurricular activities, and she shouldn't have any legal say in his well-being.
I know you are frustrated, and I would be too
But your DH's ex's legal rights are purusant to a court order. He may be able to get it changed, but may not. He may just be throwing money away.
If you are making it up to your DD, then I suspect that you and DH are closer to equal in what you are spending on your kids. Yes, your ex pays 1/2, but you have two kdis
Separate finances
Your situation sounds ripe for separate finances. Maybe have a joint household fund for household bills, but each parent separately handles expenses for their own kids.
Then each of you can knock yourself out buying whatever is needed without worry about what the other one thinks.
For working professionals, this seems to be the least dramatic solution, and he can have game on on his own dime.
Yes, I agree - this works
Yes, I agree - this works best for people with kids in a blended family.
Also - OP, what is the income difference between you and DH? I would do a whole spreadsheet of income and expenses and see if this is really "unfair" or if some of this is your resentment of BM and SS coming through. Factor in every expense, including your other child's activities. It might not be as lopsided as you think, especially if DH makes more.
I'm starting to believe this
I'm starting to believe this is our only solution. I would be okay with it. Thanks!!
I agree with separate
I agree with separate finances too. In fact, this may make DH have to work more to bring in more income to pay for SS' needs. Sorry DH.
Rescheduling how DH and gear
Rescheduling how DH and gear the boys up might be something to think about.. Perhaps hockey sticks for Christmas , another item or two for birthdays. Get the grandparents interested . If hockey is $700-$1.000 a year for well fitting and necessary parts and pieces that' roughly $62-82 dollars each boy. A whole lot easier than $1400-$$2000 one spree..
Let your ex pay something else. Example , remind ex there's prom not far off, senior year class trip
And really neither here nor there (my knowledge of winter hockey would not fill a sewing thimble).but if a $100 stick is decent why does either boys need a $200 one? I'm asking really because my youngest grandson does baseball. The kid , so he thinks, just has to have the $300 bats (several so he has back-up)He whines me or Grandpa into one every year, his mother can buy the rest.
Lots of people buy used
Lots of people buy used equipment, too, where possible, because of the cost.
I agree with your statements.
I agree with your statements. It would be easier to pick up pieces of equipment over time or for special gifts.
not sure I understand your comment about my ex paying more. We have zero issues there. He gives whatever I ask for. We split everything actually. There is no need for him to give me more - we support our kids together.
no, they certainly don't need the $200 sticks. Just an example. Yes, there is a difference in durability, flex, etc. but these kids aren't going pro ever so we could scale down.
I am secretly laughing about your baseball bat dilemma (in good fun) because I remember when my son played little league and thought he needed to have the top-of-the-line bat as well. Um, no!! Haha!!!
you are not being unfair
What is unfair is you being asked to pay for SS's expenses. Sorry that's life. His mother is a POS, and your kids' parents are not. Separate expenses from your husband - you pay for your kids and he pays for his son. If he can't keep up with you, too bad.
Right - but her DH is paying
Right - but her DH is paying for HER kid's expenses too. I'd totally separate accounts because I don't really understand having one big pool of money when both people have income (it made sense when men were the breadwinners), but if they don't want to do that, a detailed accounting of expenses might show exactly what's being spent and whether it's as lopsided as she feels it is.
I also think some of this is OP's (understandable) resentment of BM not supporting her kid.
Yes, my husband's income does
Yes, my husband's income does support my kids and I'm appreciative but how could he not when my income supports his son and then some. I can tell you with certainty that my two kids combined cost less than his alone.
Does he make more than you,
Does he make more than you, or is it equal?
Really, separate finances would take care of this - but then you will have to split hairs on who puts in how much for groceries, utilities, mortgage, etc.
My husband and I are pretty
My husband and I are pretty equal in pay...within $5k approximately. I'm really going to look into separate finances going forward.
OP, before you discuss
OP, before you discuss separate finances with DH, sit down and do the math and make sure it's really as lopsided as you think.
You have 2 kids which drives the need to live in a bigger place, so that costs him more money. You have two kids to pay expenses for (sports, kayak, etc), compared to his one. You have two kids using utilities and eating groceries for a week, which should even out his kid using those for both weeks. I get that for your kids, some things are halved with your ex, but that equals ONE kid - the same as him. And factor in income.
Do the math - there may be more emotion tied up in this than you think. If you separate finances you might that YOU are the one who is losing out.
My kids only eat meals and
My kids only eat meals and use our utilities 3 days a week one week and 2 the next along with every other weekend (same weekend as SS). The SS is with us 7 days a week. Not the same. I have done the math and that is why I am out of my mind frustrated. The hockey equipment was simply an example. I'm not even factoring in the fact that we spent thousands of dollars on the 3 year custody hearings. That also took away from me and my kids when our money was tied up with that. I'm definitely open to the feedback that I'm receiving but I don't think I truly painted the picture correctly.. silly example of the favoritism - when my son was going into 5th grade, he wanted a pair of new school sneakers that were $125. We said no and made him put $25 towards sneakers. When my stepson was going in the fifth grade, DH had no problem allowing him to purchase a pair of $145 shoes without the SS to pitching in any extra money. My son had to wait until age 11 until he received his first game console, SS was allowed at age 7! SS spends all his time (when not at school or hockey) in his bedroom playing video games all day. He doesn't socialize or help out around the house in any way. My husband goes on anon about the kids needing to do extra chores like shoveling, etc.… He never asked him to go do those things, but the second my boy comes back to our house he's all over him to get outside and shovel. I have no issue with my son going out to shovel rather that my husband never instructs his son to go shovel. My husband will do it instead. I just feel like I'm rewarding a child that doesn't appreciate how much we do for him and doesn't pull his weight around the house at all.
i'll be honest… I'm really surprised that most are siding with the DH but that's something for me to take into consideration and improve upon.
But - you have 50/50, so your
But - you have 50/50, so your kids are there 15 days a month, for two kids - that's 30 days of groceries. Your SS is there 26 days a month, so your kids actually eat more groceries.
If I assume you have a 4 bedroom house, then you owe 3/5 of the mortgage and the utilities, since the rooms exist and the power is on whether they are there or not. And you supported the custody hearings and him getting full custody.
You are focused on the extra stuff, and that may be an issue, for sure. But it's more about differences in parenting, than anything else. So have a talk about when kids should get what, and how much they should help out in buying those things - not that his kid should get a hockey stick half the value of your kid's because his mother won't help with the rest.
Everyone here understands your frustration
But I dont think it is fair to hold the cost of custody or medical expense (unless brought on by kid himself) against a kid.
Are you saying that your kids are there 3 days one week, 2 days the next, plus every other weekend? Doesnt that add up to 3/4, or 50%. And what do you mean same weekend as SS, isn't SS there every weekend?
I think seperate finances would be a good idea, but would strongly suggest you check that out before you suggest to DH.
ETA -- if you do not think your DH is doing a good job parenting, suggest a parenting class. And these differences about money will only get more diffiicult as kids get older, you need to come up with a fair plan now
I think he's a great father
I think he's a great father to his child…
She means the part about
She means the part about buying him stuff earlier than you would buy your kids' stuff ... I think.
More about socialization
But a professional may say the kid's behaivor is withink range of normal.
One thing that jumps out at
One thing that jumps out at me is you supported your DH in getting FULL custody of SS, yet you now are complaining that he lives there 100% of the time using your utilities, eating, etc., so he costs more. Surely you knew the deadbeat BM wasn't likely to pay much CS, if any, yet you fought for full custody (and indeed, it sounds like BM being such a deadbeat was WHY you fought for full custody.) I'm assuming you didn't tell your DH at the time you were spending "several thousand dollars" in attorney's fees that, if you were successful, you would be taking into account SS's full-time presence when factoring in the family budget? Perhaps you didn't think about that at the time, but that feels a little disengenuous to raise now.
Also, by gaining full custody, your DH got to discontinue paying $800 a month in CS and instead, that money stays in your household. (Ideally, you'd also RECEIVE CS for him, but obviously that's not happening.) While I understand the argument he's in your home full-time, so he's using utilities, eating most meals there, etc., I bet it doesn't come close to the $800 a month your DH was paying to BM month-in, month out.. (My DH paid $1,200 a month for my 2 SSs 20 years ago, which was a HUGE windfall to BM's budget--14,400 annually TAX-FREE--since SSs did not come close to costing that!) Did you move to a larger home with more bedrooms when you got full custody in 2013 or stay in the same home? If you didn't buy a bigger house, then your housing cost is the same with or without him there full-time. If you look at it that way, is $800 of your monthly budget going towards SS like it was prior to 2013? If not, it's a net gain for your household. Not only that, has your DH gotten raises since CS stopped in 2013? If so and if SS was still with BM, how much more of your DH's money would he be paying to BM?
Also, while SS absolutely should do his fair share of chores around the house (including, perhaps, more frequent cleaning of his room since he's there full-time) I think it would be awful to tell SS he needs to do more around the house to make up for his BM not paying. (That almost sounds like something the SM in "Cinderella" who gave us all a bad name would do!)
I agree with Tog that you should sit down and write out the expenses and income and see what it looks like. Be sure to give DH's side "credit" for $800 a month he no longer has to pay in CS. I bet it's not as uneven as you think.
Finally, why does your DH say SS needs $300 in new gear again? Has he had another growth spurt and needs to replace some of the $700 in gear bought last year? If so, I'd definitely not only suggest looking at used gear but in selling some of last year's gear that's being replaced. I'm wondering if your DH feels his son must have the new gear to play, which is why he made that comment. If it's just wanting new gear and not a need, then that WAS a sh*tty thing to say, and I'd be telling DH if he wants your marriage to go smoothly, he needs to be more understanding of your position.
I assume your ex the kids father
Also buys his , your, kids things for Christmas. As I assume the BM does not. So DH fells his son get less. You are never going to come to an agreement on this. There two good sides to this story. Set up some way for you both to pay the monthly bills. As. Three of you two of them. You pay 3/5 of all common bills he pays 2/3 of them.
Aslo have a retirement account, home repairs account. Vacation account, and adult going out account. Car repair /replacement Ect. What money is left over it's his / yours to do what you want
Oh, my SS is SPOILED by his
Oh, my SS is SPOILED by his BM for any holiday! Above and beyond what my kids receive at their fathers house. My husband and I get so annoyed that she can provide a fantastic Christmas for him but can't ever seem to have an extra $80 lying around for child support. $80 a month?!?! My husband spends $100 a WEEK alone in gas just to get him back and forth to practices.
I guess I'm just a horrible person because I just can't wrap my head around the fact that no one sees an issue with us paying $1500 for his hockey registration and only $200 for my my son's registration. How can I not be frustrated?? I believe my SS is actually becoming entitled by this. He knows dad won't say no and I just have to open my wallet and keep my mouth shut. If it's supposed to be fair, it's most definitely not.
There is so much more to this story and I'll never be able to fully articulate the huge divide that goes on financially between the 2 boys. My husband acts like his son is the only child deserving of things while I feel like we've gone just about broke to make it happen.
I suppose it's time for me to seek professional guidance because I'm not convinced that I should be okay with being told "no" when my son needs something due to his own growth spurt. I still argue that SS needs to realize some things just aren't going to be possible due to his moms lack of contribution. Sorry, we can't go on forever allowing him to continue to do everything he wants when I have an ex that DOES compensate us but yet we don't have the money to even consider my own sons needs. Both of my kids see it and ask why their SB gets everything first and never gets told "no" to similar things my kids have been told no to.
I agree with everyone who’s
I agree with everyone who’s said you should separate finances. Have a joint account for household expenses & make sure you’re both contributing towards your future (retirement etc), but after that DH can spend to his hearts content.
I dont think you’re being unfair, I think it’s how your DH is dealing with this that’s a lot of the problem. I can understand him wanting his kid to have the same things your son has, but I don’t understand why a 12 year old needs the exact same stick a 16 year old has, they aren’t playing at the same level so why do they need matching kit. Also, just because one kid needs something new doesn’t mean they both do.
I also think second hand equipment is a good idea, or at least look at brands that aren’t top of the line. If money is an issue, costs need to be cut. Playing hockey is a privilege, not a right, and that’s an important lesson for both boys to learn regardless.
Issues like this are always going to cause divides on this board, keeping things ‘fair’ isn’t always possible. You’re also entitled to your feelings, you feel the way you feel & there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s how you choose to act moving forward that’s important. Separate finances & let your DH do what he wants. There’s no such thing as ‘fair’ in steplife. My skids get far more than my BK ever will because they get everything my kid gets from my & my DH’s families, plus what they have from their BM. I don’t feel sorry for any of these kids, and nobody needs to feel sorry for your SS either. It’s unfortunate that his mother is a deadbeat, but placating him with pity isn’t going to help him. Keeping things ‘fair’ doesn’t work. So find what works for YOU and do that.
I will go against the grain
I will go against the grain here and say I can understand your point of view. You weren't the one that decided to conceive a child with a deadbeat druggy. In fact, your children's father is a great co-parent and present father. However, you are having to pay for the mistakes DH made in the past and so are your kids. I'm sure you didn't know the extent this would go to when you chose him, which is why you are feeling so frustrated now. Yes, it is not your SS's fault, but it's not yours, either. DH shouldn't be looking to you as a source of income to support his child when you aren't legally obligated to provide for him financially and have your own children that you ARE financially obligated to provide for. Anything that you give just shows your love for him, which clearly has gone unappreciated, so you feel it's pointless to put in the effort when there's no appreciation for it and your own kids could benefit instead. I would highly suggest, as everyone else has said, to get a separate bank account. If you divide the money and are able to spend more freely towards your own children that will relieve a lot of the burden and unappreciation you are having to deal with IMO
I feel you 100%
This post really resonated with me! I also have two kids with an ex that splits stuff with me, and my SO has one with an ex that doesn't contribute. SS is only here EOWE, however, and I have 50/50 for my two. We aren't married and as such, don't have combined finances but these scenarios highlight exactly why I can't feel comfortable ever blending. Our salaries are similar (and actually combined are about the same as yours combined). I am frugal, I shop sales, I shop consignment, I shop yard sales. I can provide 10x the clothes and shoes for my two for the cost of his one. That leaves me plenty left over to do "fun stuff" - we take day trips, we do experiences, we do things with friends, etc. I also have few/no hobbies, while SO has ones that can be expensive. I don't want to feel responsible for always bringing SS up to par when it's not my choice. If his BM doesn't prioritize it, then it shouldn't automatically fall to me. If SO chooses to make up that shortfall, that's up to him - but I then feel like it will be at the cost of his own financial future. One that will still impact me. I have no magic words, but I totally feel the situation.
Hate to say this
But one, no way to make BM paid support. She can leave her job, ect. You will have it invest more in lawers fee then you will get. Two it will be no way to equal out what kids cost.
Yes your problem is your DH. He seems to do what ever he wants with out any concerns to you. That your problem. Him buying exter thing for Christmas for his son, when BM is also getting him thing was uncalled for.
He's trying to make SS better not equal to the outhe kids. By getting him extra gifts as in " Son, I love you more then BM, love you more then other kids. I show you my love by buying you things"
maybe time for couples counseling?