Bit off more than I can chew
I was just 19 when I married my husband and we are approaching our one year anniversary and I am not where I want to be. My husband is a package deal. His daughter was 3 when I met her and she is almost 5. When I first met her, we instantly clicked. She would call me her sister but my husband quickly nipped it in the bud, because he wanted her to see me as her mom and not a friend or a sister. I understood his point and decided that I create motherly boundaries. My husband would tell me that he regretted having a child at only 19 and that he didn't like the woman he had her with. My husband's ex and her family constantly spoil my step daughter and she always gets what she wants over there. Keep in mind her BM lives with her family so it is a full house of adults constantly giving her time, attention, affection and materialistic things. In our home we both work and do the heavy lifting and we don't make a lot of money plus we pay $600 in child support so our money is tied up in bills and support, while her BM doesn't work or have any real bills plus she is getting $600 each month from us. There is little to no discipline, however my husband gave her spankings at an early age which has allowed her to maintain a particular behavior in our home. I started realizing she is only a good girl when her dad is home but when it's just me and her she constantly begs for things and gets mad when I tell her no. She tries to take advantage of my kindness and I am getting fed up with it, because no matter what I do for her or with her it is never enough. At night she only says "good night and I love you" to her dad and when we drop her off somewhere I will say "good bye I love you" and she would either ignore it or mumble a half assed good bye, but then she would jump into her daddy's arms and say that she loves him so much. It is very aggravating because my husband really doesn't invest time or activity with her. I bathe her, feed her, play with her, talk with her, ask her if she needs anything, I do her hair and I make sure she is presentable. I sit through her kids shows and I try my best to develop a relationship with her, but it's never enough because when she is with me all she asks is when is she going back to her mom's house. I get angry because my husband does the bare minimum. When he gets home it doesn't matter what is on tv, he will change it to something that a 4 year old shouldn't watch. When my step daughter needs something he says no or tells her to get it herself. He isn't a terrible father but I feel like I do mostly everything for her when she is here and she doesn't express any love towards me the way she does her dad, mom and soon to be step dad. Even her soon to be step dad gets more love than me and I am so over it. I'm tired of picking up after everyone's shit, I'm tired of being a good fucking parent to someone I didn't even birth, I'm tired of being an outcast in the home I help provide and build for. Sometimes I regret getting married so early and making the decision to become a step parent. I try my best in everything I do for my family and I feel like it isn't enough. I want to stick it out with my husband but I can't help feeling like I deserve a life where I should be appreciated and valued. My husband tries but there are things in our marriage I'm trying to figure out and the isolation I feel when his daughter is around is not helping the situation. I'm only 20 and I have no kids of my own. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew and I wasn't truly ready for this. No matter how hard I try to please and cater to everyone's needs it will never be enough because I will never be her enabling BM.
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Comments
I agree you came in starry
I agree you came in starry eyed and full of hope. You do have to accept that you are NOT her mother. You also have to understand that she is likely praised to treating you badly. That at her moms house they trash talk you regularly. Her behavior is to be expected.
You are so young and child free. Go live a life without all of this. Have children with a man that doesn't already have children. Finish school, start a career you can be proud of. Save $. Travel! Do all the things normal 20 yr olds do!
Yep. You are not her parent.
Yep. You are not her parent. No matter what you do for her, she will always love her father and mother best (which by the way, is normal and appropriate). Throw in BM trashing you and you will never be close to this child.
Either back off or let this guy go. You are 20 by my math - find a guy with no kid.
I wish I could just do that
It's not that easy to just get up and go. Of course I could but I don't want to cause damage in my step daughter's life. I love my husband very much but I think we definitely rushed marriage. I haven't had a chance to be free and single. I wish I would've listened to my Dad. My pride definitely keeps trying to make it work but at what cost? My dignity, my sanity and my happiness? Thanks everyone for the advice.
IG
The thing is you can leave.
Your DHs daughter is not yours. You will not damage this kid if you leave her father. She is young, and like most skids on here will likely come to resent you because you are not her mom or dad. Read a while on these boards.
It honestly sounds like you have a bit of a martyr syndrome. I'd suggest looking into some counseling.
Look around you right now. Is this the life you want? If not you can move on. Please do not buy into you will ruin the child if you leave.
he didn't like the woman he
Well he liked her enough to spawn with her. What's with all these men who have unprotected sex with "toxic" women they hate? Did his sperm float along until it reached a random womb that was open for business? He was 19, did he ditch out of class the day they taught how the egg and the sperm make a baby in biology class? Has he never heard of a condom?
I have no pity fo these men who act like they have no control over who they mated with. 19 and married? You married a man child who had a child with a child and you wonder why everyone is immature. Doh!
Leave
I've been in that situation before except was 25 and not married. He had full custody and took the pampering to a whole new level and even referred to that brat as "his majesty" when serving him dinner. He also always used the "I'm a single father" card as a pass to be a completely neglectful fucking arsehole to me. Treating me with disrespect even in front of the kid whilst excessively pandering to the brat caused me tremendous emotional damage. Eventually found out he was with someone else behind my back too (not Bm) so I went thru a year of hell for nothing. Sorry for strong language but from this point I gave allergy towards single fathers, can't shake off the trauma and the hate. Recently found that my fresh ex hid a kid for a year, causing an instant deal breaker. The situation could have been different but the previous experience put me off too much and any single father gets an instant FUCK OFF from me.
Staying with a single father is a recipe for lifelong dissatisfaction, you're pouring your time energy and dosh into a kid that isn't yours, isn't going to respect you, you trade 100% responsibility for 0% authority which can only leave you depleted and deeply broken, whether or not the husband will turn into an arsehole.
Divorce and date with no skids attached. Dating is hard enough without someones else's spawn. You deserve to be truly happy.
You have to understand
You are not her mother, she has one. You will never be anything to her. Her mother and her family will control her, Even make her give you a hard time. You have no legal rights, If you take her to the hospital, they will want the BM or BF for permission. Schools will not see you as a parent. Any activity, school, related you will not have a say.
BM will always be there for the spotlight. pictures. At family day, field day, The grandparents will have more recognition. Schools have Grandparent Day. But not a step mother day.
save yourself a ton of hurt and disengage, SD is at your home for her BF, he should be parenting her, cooking getting her ready for school ect. You are not the built in babysitter. Either DH does it or he makes arrangements for that
You knew when you married your DH. He had CS to pay. You knew what he made working, you knew what money you has each week. Waite until the exters come up. Medical expenses, dental braces . School expenses. Cars, Trips, college it's just keeps on getting more expensive as they get older.
I think you just prolong the
I think you just prolong the inevitable by staying in your marriage. As hard as it is, you can admit you made a mistake, tell your dad he was right and you could use his support right now, and move on. Don't worry about the skid - she has her parents and she doesn't appreciate you anyway. Your husband could have tried harder by taking a more active role in his D's life instead of sticking her with you. You've tried; it's not working for you.
If you do stay, back way off. Let your husband do the heavy lifting for his kid. Pursue your interests, live your youthful life.
Listen to your dad
You are too young for this. Your DH is responsible for the $600 a month not u. And btw it doesn't matter that BM lives with her parents and that they dote on their grandchild. And your husbands method of discipline isn't working if the child only behaves for him. Marriage and parenting is not about catering to everyone's needs. A good marriage is partners with common values working together to build a life. It sounds like your DH has put all the heavy lifting on you. He is not being a good partner or parent. You are so, so, so young. Don't waste your life trying to make others happy. You aren't causing damage to your stepdaughter--that is completely on her parents.
^^^^Absolutely this!
^^^^Absolutely this!
It is ok to make a mistake. What is not ok is makimg a mistake, realizing it, but doing nothing to correct it.
I agree with previous poster, ask your dad for help. Leave this miserable life and go be 20. Enroll in college and better yourself and earning potential.
Might I suggest you knock out your 2 years of generals at a decent community college - way cheaper than a 4yr college. During that time you can figure out what you want to do once you transfer to a 4yr college. Or perhaps a trade school...lots of trades are in super shortage.
Fix your mistake!
Run for your life!
Love is NOT enough. Give it time and love will turn to hate. Save yourself and find a nice man with no children from a previously enjoyed family
You have been warned.
You are so lucky you do not
You are so lucky you do not have kids with this man You are so young, go find a man with no children and created your shared family; these "blended" families do not blend most of the time unless you have a daddeeee ready to be a parent too.
OP, I can't stop thinking
OP, I can't stop thinking about your awful situation. And then I came back and took note of you "Isolated" user name. I bet you are isolated... confined to taking care of someone else's child... being convinced that you must accept this "package deal" and "being a good partner" and on and on bullcrap.
Do yourself a favor, please. Look up the following two terms: love bombing and gaslighting. If you feel you may be subjected to these twisted forms of manipulation, please seek the help of your father ASAP.
Also, please please strongly contemplate the collective wisdom of all the members of this board and the advice we are giving. We are literally trying to save your life. Don't keep wasting your life.
☆ THIS ☆
Everything SteppedOut said!
It's not too late to let your light shine, Isolated-Gem. Very glad you found StepTalk, lots of experienced, compassionate people who listen, provide feedback, and encourage each other (there are a couple of resident trolls here too, okay to ignore or delete them).
I am my husband's third wife.
I am my husband's third wife. He calls his first marriage his "practice" marriage. He was young, romantic, foolish and rushed into it.
Think of this as your practice marriage. You tried it out, and it didn't work. Time to move on now and try something else for a bit taking the lessons that you have learnt with you.
I know that you care about this child, but the thing that you learn when relationships fail is that often the hardest part is not loosing your partner (as the relationship is bad for you) but loosing the lifestyle and friends and family that came with that partner. But there will be new paths and new people in your life, just as there will be new paths and new people for those that you loose touch with. It hursts at first, but then life moves on.
Take the leap, reclaim your independence and let others help you on your way. You can do this.
Thankful
Let me just say I'm grateful this forum exists. So little attention is given to the SM and it's kind of expected that she plays a martyr and puts everything above herself and has no right to complain. I think that's why many SMS stay in this hell because they're shamed if they try exerting their rights. There's nothing selfish about wanting to be happy and my definition of happy is when you're EQUAL with the partner, ideally only having kids with that partner so the expenditure and sacrifices are natural and don't feel like exploitation. The skid will be a drainage to your mental well-being and before long you'll be asking "what the fuck is my place in this". It's a thankless job and unequal playing field where you will always lose.
Add to the equation that in their misguided "my child always comes first" mantra they can always pull the "single parent" card to avoid fulfilling their responsibilties towards YOU claiming how hard it is to be a single parent, how you don't understand, how he can't treat you well enough. They also have NO problem dumping you if you become inconvenient and it doesn't matter how much effort and time was invested.
My breaking point was last Christmas... ex would buy presents for the skid for a few hundred pounds, BM that he wasn't with for over three years got one thousand pounds worth of jewellery because she demanded it (yes...) and I got fuck all. I was told im selfish and jealous!!!! I also found out he's been in a parallel relationship with someone else all the time he kept me as his semi slave. It was heart shattering and showed me exactly where my place was in the whole circus. I was made to feel worthless all that time to be served the final punch in Christmas Day. That was last year, shortly after I met a man who I thought was childless, started dating him and just recently he told me he has lied about having kids - he has a four years old son and that sent me running for the hills.
Don't let this be you. Yeah I know you've got a different situation and thinking maybe I will succeed but really... the psychological damage caused by sm martyrdom is the same... One year on, I still have anxiety attacks and bouts of depression thinking about the whole drama and how I was treated, and I'm unable to commit into any new relationship. I need therapy to ever move on.