Spoiled SD issues
I have a SD 7 and a bio daughter 8, they have a love/hate relationship. My partners ex is a piece of work and she manipulates, lies, and and calls the cops/children's aid for no reason other than maybe she's bored?
SD is learning these things from her mom who also bribes her with toys and adventures to come home early and prefer her house over ours. As a result my partner feels that the only way to keep her from having a tantrum or to win her favour he needs to give in.
Only issue is my bio daughter is the polar opposite. She has never cried over material possessions or thrown a tantrum (I am so lucky!) she is overly sensitive and takes it to heart when her sister is running the show.
We've tried to cope with the extremes by setting clear ground rules. The only problem is, the where partner fully agrees to them in theory (and expects me to be so hard on my own child) he NEVER enforces them for his own daughter. When I am alone with her, I anything I say is laughed at or ignored. They are both putting me in the stepmonster role, and I especially him as this way he can still be fun dad and take no responsibility.
Because of this my daughter doesn't trust him, she hates her step sister and resents her because she is still getting in trouble for much less (if I can at least make sure my own daughter doesn't grow up to be an asshole, and that's important to me). I'm at the end of my rope. I have suggested counselling and he agrees but never brings home the info from work.
I'm so tired of playing games and the entire world revolving around my SD every time she walks through the door. I love her and I want her to grow up to be a good person. Can anyone help me?
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Comments
Leave. Don't put your young
Leave. Don't put your young daughter through this. She will resent you for ruining her childhood by making her live with someone like SD and with a man she doesn't trust.
I'm supposing that the
I'm supposing that the information you require is a list of approved counsellors. Tell your DH that if he doesn't bring it home today that you will obtain it by other means (implying that you'll address HR yourself). If that doesn't work, tell him you'll just go ahead and book a session with a counsellor whether or not they're on the approved list. Light a fire under him because he doesn't sound too motivated to do anything about this.
This situation sounds exactly
This situation sounds exactly like me 6-7 years ago. My SD has been in counseling since I have met her and nothing changes because the real issue is BM and DH...in your case your partner. Your partner isn't parenting his daughter the same as he expects you to parent yours and that is a recipe for disaster and definitely causes resentment.
My best advice is to disengage. Do not babysit or be alone with your SD and definitely do not leave your DD alone with SD. Let your partner handle every aspect of the time he has with his daughter. Her foods/etc.
The part about your daughter being upset because she has to abide by rules/etc. That is hard. I had this with my ODS vs. SD. I had higher expectations for my son. When he would get upset that SD did things that I wouldn't allow I would just tell him (and still do). SD is not my child, you are, how she grows up is her parents responsibilty but you are mine and I want you to know better.
Yes, exactly this
My DS and two SSs are all within a two year age range so rules should have been nearly equal for all three. They were not. I had a conversation with DS about how it would go and my expectations. And the kids aren't dumb. DS saw the difference and sometimes felt like he was getting picked on by me or DH because he was made to follow the rules. However he's grown into a more well rounded and capable adult.
The only thing I would add is to be careful not to get sucked into parenting the skids. It took me too many rounds of him saying we would parent together and then pulling the rug out from under me for me to finally disengage from parenting. And he was pissed. He no longer had me to blame for the skids not getting what they want nor could he take out his frustrations with them on me because I noted an infraction.
Oh and
It may be interesting to note that the kid who has the best relationship with DH now is DS. The one who was made to follow the rules and not coddled.
Yes, all of this and that is
Yes, all of this and that is a good thing to add!
I have also found that my ODS and DH have a better relationship than SD and DH. I don't think the SD/DH relationship will ever be great b/f of all the guilt/manipulation tactics used by SD and BM...neither of them respect DH b/c he can't seem to stand up to them or stand up for himself.
I hope your DH can realize
I hope your DH can realize there are worse outcomes than "losing" his daughter to BM. So long as this fear is his greatest driver, he (and she) will never change.
Hopefully a counselor can help him see this before he irreparably damages his relationships with you and your daughter, and loses all possibility of respect from his daughter.