Hello there.
I'm new to steptalk saw several blogs about it that touched me and I'm glad I joined . I have a lil issue I'm struggling with. I'm 22 and have no kids my boyfriend is 30 and has a two year old boy. The kid has been living with us for 2 months now and he just got back from the moms place she just took him for 3 days . she drinks party's and does it all and never has time to help me with him . she's 25 . I'm 22 I think I deserve a lil free time I often ask my boyfriend and he asks me if I'm tired of his kid. Its not that I am I mean he can visit anytime but constantly being with him his a baby and they so needy I don't have kids yet. And this year he spoke to her and decided his gonna live with us because she and her other kid and babydady moving away but will oftenly come visit . and I told him how will I study and he said when he sleeps or goes to kindergarten. This is really hard for me but I don't want him to think I don't care about his son.
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It is his kid
It is his kid and his job to find care for him. That he procreated with the wrong woman is not your problem. He does not get a "do over" by inflicting the kid on you whether you want him or not. If he does not understand this and gets angry because you do not want to play mommy then clearly your only value to him is as a live-in babysitter and not a girlfriend. You are only 22. Go live your life and find a guy who has not already screwed his up.
You are so young. Please find
You are so young. Please find a guy with no kids. You’re annoyed that this little boy is over too much now during his ‘visits’, you won’t be able to handle living with him.
Thats not to insult you or anything, but I’m TELLING YOU, you will be miserable. You aren’t at a stage in life where you want kids. You want free time/me time. You have the opportunity to end this before you get in too deep with this guy. Good luck.
He wants a Mommy for his kid
He wants a Mommy for his kid and unless you gave birth to him, you are not it. He is the one who needs to take care of his kid, NOT you.
You are too young for this crap, dump him and go live your life.
You should have lots of time
You should have lots of time to do whatever you want, because HIS kid is not your responsibility whatsoever.
No, no, no. You are way too
No, no, no. You are way too young for this. I won’t even give any other advice because I truly believe you shouldn’t be dealing with this situation at all. Break up with this guy and go find someone who doesn’t have kids. If you let this drag out, you are going to look back with a ton of regret over wasting your twenties.
I really hope you are not
I really hope you are not baby sitting this kid while the dad works and therefore neglecting your schooling.
You are way too young to deal with this.
Your bf is taking advantage
Your bf is taking advantage of you. It is not your responsibility to take care of his child - it is HIS. Before he decides that he's going to try to get more custody of the child, let him know you're not available for childcare or to be substitute mommy. There are plenty of men out there - I assure you that there's nothing so special about this one that you need to allow him to use you. Without a lot of significant changes (which I'd think are unlikely), this is not the relationship for you.
Well
He always says if I love him I will accept him with his child and I do love him but I don't know how to talk to him about this . I just want the mother to take him he can visit but not live here how do I make him understand without being the bad guy. I know this will end up in me leaving him but I want to talk to him first
Well you can't tell a dad
Well you can't tell a dad that he can't have his child live with him. However, what you can tell him is that you aren't available as daycare to him and he needs to be responsible for all aspects of caring for the kid (meal prep, discipline, buying food and clothes, etc.).
He should not be expecting you to take on any sort of motherly role to this child.
Accepting his child and being
Accepting his child and being responsible for him are two different things. He is not your responsibility and your BF is trying to guilt you into thinking he is.
And this year he spoke to her and decided his gonna live with us because she and her other kid and babydady moving away but will oftenly come visit .and I told him how will I study and he said when he sleeps or goes to kindergarten.
It's quite obvious he feels that you should be the one caring for his son. I'm afraid this is not the guy for you. I bet he wouldn't take his kid full time if HE had to take care of him on his own. You need to get out of this relationship, the sooner, the better. He is setting you up to be his full time nanny. He will gaslight you, guilt you, and make you feel trapped.
Get out.
"He always says if I love him I will accept him with his child "
Accepting is one thing; being a live in:
1. maid
2. nanny
3. laundress
4. cook
5. pre-school teacher
6. administrative/personal assistant
7. chauffeur
8. nurse
9. future or current financial backer of his previously enjoyed family
IS A NO GO!!!! Coming up next, he will want you to be his kid's au pair but with no parental/disciplinary authority.
I'm seeing RED FLAGS here!! Find a nice man with no kids of his own you are waaaaaay too young to be wasting your life on misery and drama which, WILL be headed your way. Pre-made families are a recipe for disaster UNLESS you're a MAN who will receive the "stamp of approval" by the BM.
LOVE is NOT enough!!
Yes he is correct in one
Yes he is correct in one sense: if you cannot accept that he has a child, you should not be with him.
However, that's not to say you need to be Mommy to his little boy, and especially not under his rules and regulations.SS already has one, no matter how crappy she may be. You can take a 'fun aunt' role, but you DO NOT have to be his new mommy..and your BF looks like he is looking for that in you, and it sounds like you do not want that role in your life. It is NOT your responsiblity, nor your obligation.
This is what will happen: BM will have SS move into your house. Your BF will slowly and passively push more and more responsibility onto you as a parental role. You will forgo your schooling and other advancements in your own life...and you will be stuck and miserable.
Do yourself the favor and leave him. Put it on yourself if you have to, because honestly it's the truth:
"I am not ready nor willing to take on the role you expect of me with your son. As much as I love you, this situation is not going to work for me."
Well... of course you have to
Well... of course you have to accept that he has a child if you decide to stay with him. You also can't dictate whether he wants that child to live with him. He is, after all, the father and it is just as much his responsibiilty to raise the child as the mother's and if the mother is not competent.. HE has to do it.
So.. would you have to accept the child in the home full time? Yep.. you would potentially have to do that.
But.. does that mean it can't work? If the home is big enough.. you would have space for everyone to have their own private areas.. including you. And.. he can certainly arrange for child care so that the two of you can go out alone sometimes.
BUT.. you are young.. and having a child living with you will be a compromise at times.. if you don't want to deal with that.. this is not the situation for you.
You can't tell him that his
You can't tell him that his child can't live with him. Your BF has the responsibility of parenting and housing his child. That trumps everything else.
I'm not sure which way to
I'm not sure which way to read your post. I don't know if your BF is working and expecting you to take care of his kid in lieu of a babysitter because you're "just going to school" or "just working part time" OR if your BF is handling his kid utilizing babysitters, daycare, etc and you're just getting fed up that all your free time (and your BF's free time) is devoted to raising a kid.
The former is a problem. The latter is just the reality of steplife, but there are ways to lessen the burden for you. 22 is very young, and while you may not see an 8 year age gap as that big of a deal, it is in your 20s. If you think about how child development starts out being based on months, then year-to-year, and finally can be grouped by 2 years in the teens, then you need to apply the same logic to your 20s. 20-23 is very different from 24-27, which is very different from 27-30.
I was 25 when I started dating my DH, and I thought I had it all figured out. I'd lived in a step family, I had a job and a plan, I had read all the Facebook posts and watched the movie Stepmom enough times that I knew what I was in for.
Nope. Not only have I changed a lot in the last 6 years, I'm becoming more and more conscious that I don't know WTF I'm doing 50% of the time. I had to update my stepparenting style in my late 20s because I couldn't do it the "old way" anymore - and that was after only 4 years of EOWE visitation.
You can be with your BF and not be a mother to his child. You can help your BF by your choosing, and he NEEDS to be okay with that. He NEEDS to put his son in daycare and have a weekend babysitter if he plans to date. He NEEDS to have a court order with BM and have child support established. He NEEDS to be doing all the parental heavy lifting, like discipline and doctor's appointments and meals and laundry and bath time. Taking on a girlfriend doesn't mean he gets to split his parental responsibilities; it means he adds on the additional reaponsibility of having an equal partner.
You NEED to work and establish a career. You NEED to finish any school or training you have ahead of you. You NEED to have a chance to explore who you are and what you want out of life. You absolutely can do that with a man who has a child, but it means that your BF has to understand that your needs are just as important as his.
And you have to recognize that his needs, and his responsibilities, are just as important as yours. He HAS TO take care of his child. He can't run off for a weekend, or even an evening out, without planning ahead. You'll have to be okay with doing things solo, and he'll have to figure out a plan for making sure his kid has a babysitter so you two can go out and have alone time.
BM is showing you that she won't be reliable. As much as she should be seeing her child as much as possible, whether that's every other weekend or a couple weeks at a time every few months, it's likely not going to happen. You can't rely on her to take an interest in her son, but that doesn't mean the burden falls on you, either.
Your BF has an uphill battle ahead as a single father. He has a lot he needs to balance. It's not your job to pick up the responsibilities that he drops. By all means, if you enjoy cooking and want to make dinner every night, go for it. But anything you do needs to be seen as an extra, not an expectation. You are the girlfriend, not the mother. What you do is out of love for your BF. You have no obligation to his child, and if he doesn't understand or accept that, then he's going to have a rough time finding and keeping a GF.
At the age of 22
Don't you want yo go away on weekends, to see thing, concert, events, fairs, sports. He must of did that with BM. He had ten years to play before child was born !! Don't you want a career, a good job, money to do what you want.
We all been in your place.
We all made that mistake. Going to legoland instead instead of a romantic place. Just make sure you are not used that much. He the father, it's his chid, He want to live with his child then he cooks, cleans, arrange for child care. Make sure you come first. You will not arrange your life around taking care of his child.
This child has a BM, you are not that. BM is blood and will always come first.
The guy is the CUSTODIAL
The guy is the CUSTODIAL PARENT of a two year old. It's ridiculous to think that IN THIS SITUATION, the GF will come first
The OP should be out there having the time of her life. If she's in college or at least living in a college town, she's surrounded by eligible, childless young men. There's no reason for her to remain in this mess.
To be 22 again
Aw to be 22 again! Girl you have so much life ahead of you. Please please please think about this relationship carefully! You should really consider getting out of this relationship. Be young and free, have fun! You're allowed to be selfish and set up your life how you want it! It is not fair that he put this kind of responsibility on you. And the whole ultimatum thing if you accept me you accept my kid... that's a red flag.
I'm 22 I think I deserve a
I'm 22 I think I deserve a lil free time
The biggest thing you need to realize about dating someone with kids is that there is always a possiblity your datemate will have the kid(s) 100% of the time. The other parent could lose custody, become mentally/physically incapable of caring for the kid(s), or die.
Your bf is no great catch and seems to want a substitute mommy for his kid.
Give yourself a LOT of free time and say goodbye to this guy.
How does one start
I've gotten so used to this man spend new years together and its gonna be very hard to leave I was hoping for a different way but I know its best for me to go but to be honest I am afraid to start all over
It's Okay
All those feelings are normal. You can do this!
You'll thank yourself and yes, you will find love again. Love yourself enough to NOT stay in a situation your gut is telling you is not right for you.
2020 is your New Year, girl! Go free yourself & do the rest of your young life.
2nd this
humans are the only animals that ignore their gut...to their own detriment! I ignored my gut countless times and lived to regret it every.single.time. Never go with your heart...always go with your intuition.