Conflicting wants/needs
I'm starting to think stepfamilies are just not workable. And that no matter what, someone's needs are going to be unmet and that in some ways the remarried bioparent does in fact have to choose between the spouse and kids. After all, alot of what is good for the kids is the exact opposite of what is good for the new spouse. Or sometimes the bioparent. It seems as though stepfamilies are just a losing situation all around.
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I am not sure what you mean
I am not sure what you mean by what is good for the kids is exact opposite of what is good for the new spouse. Can you give some examples?
My personal POV is that in ALL families there will be competing needs/wants. No one gets their way all the time. Sometimes there are situations which mean that one person takes up more of the family's resources.. a child with special needs or a terminal illness perhaps. But barring those extreme situations.. everyone has to balance what is best for them and what is best for those close to them.
The head of household relationship should be a priority and should be respected. However, the bio parent has a primary OBLIGATION to care for their children's NEEDs.. shelter, food, medical care and emotional security (love). They also have a primary obligation to raise their child to be a member in good standing in the household and then further to society.. so teaching manners, self sufficiency, empathy and life skills.
Now, sometimes their spouses needs may trump a child's.. for example.. your spouse's parent passes away.. and you miss your child's basketball game to go to the viewing.
There is not necessarily a set order of priority for people as the needs/wants and circumstances will shuffle the order.
It's clear that there is a finite set of resources in most situations and everyone has to understand that sometimes THEY will be the ones to compromise. Step situations get even more complicated because there can be custody orders and schedules that trump what people might otherwise prioritize for themselves. There can be outside forces lobbying for certain priorities.. like the MIL that wants the kids to get every whim met.
But in the end, the Step parent is not necessarily supposed to be at the bottom of the pecking order. Their partner may not be as primarily responsible for providing them food and shelter because.. as an adult.. they should be able to provide for their own needs.. but their needs and wants need to be considered and prioritized appropriately.
Theres tons of small examples
Theres tons of small examples, but the big picture is my stepdaughter hates my presence, will not be happy with anything less than being #1 all the time and wants us all to miserable if that doesn't happen. I as a wife want to be put first in most situations and be the other adult in the house. Also, DHs want is for me to love his daughter as my own and I dont think I can do that.
It worries me about the last part where the kids needs should be put first that if something were to happen to me where I was relying on my spouse to take care of me that my stepdaughter would take advantage of that situation to get her way back to #1. If it were just my biological children they would likely be on the same page as my husband, whereas SD I feel would take advantage of any weakness (with her mothers help of course).
Your DH is the problem,
Your DH is the problem, allowing a child to be in the role of an adult relationship with him and expecting you to unconditionally love his child despite him being in an adult role relationship with her.
Other than you being the
Other than you being the other adult in the house, the things you named are wants.
It sounds like your DH did not have realistic boundaries with his daughter before you came along and now you're in a mini-wife power struggle.
Stepfamilies are more complicated than first families, but they can work, if a few criteria are met: 1) everyone recognizes that the new normal will be totally different than the first family; 2) everyone is giving one another grace and realizing that settling into a new family dynamic is difficult (there are reasons why lots of marriages break up in the first years or after children come along, because many "first" couples also find settling into or accepting the new normal to be difficult); 3) the family unit needs to decide as a unit, what is acceptable and what isn't. Part of what must always be unacceptable in any new family unit is children making decisions. They can make the case for decisions that need to be made, but ultimately, it's up to the adults to make the decisions. That applies to "adult" children as well.
Is your DH the passive, pleaser type? His daughter likely uses that to her advantage and has since he got divorced. He will need to work through his own issues and learn how to set boundaries. Did he have a domineering or unstable mother growing up? He's maybe learned that "survival" means pacifying others and going along with their demands, because it's easier.
Ultimately, the success or failure of your relationship will come down to you and your husband becoming a strong unit, outside of what his daughter wants, because that's what the adults in a relationship do. A lot of first marriages break down when everything becomes about what the children want and stepfamilies are no different.
As for loving his daughter, your DH needs to let that one go. It sounds like he has a fantasy of having a "perfect family" and that won't happen. This all goes back to the new normal. Toleration and respect are often enough...love is often too much to expect.
Quite frankly, it is NOT in
Quite frankly, it is NOT in your SD's best interest to be #1 all the time. So.. your needs and hers are very aligned here.. she needs to learn appropriate boundaries and to learn that the world is not revolving around just her. You need to be a priority when your needs dictate as such.
Very sad
Yes, my SD13, she and I are family to each other. The eldest - SD20, we are no contact. She lives with BM, so fortunately I do not have your situation, but I could just imagine if SD20 Feral Forger were back living with us and SD13 werent there, that your life would be my life.
That would be horrible.
I know that I am my spouses priority. That SD13, her needs are important, but there hasnt been more than a handful of times I felt below her, in the 5.5 years.
But I am self-sufficient and contribute half of everything and help with her. And am happy to do so.
HOWEVER, I envision a time where things might go in this direction - for example when she gets married, has kids...
I don't think anyone gets all
I don't think anyone gets all of their needs met in ANY marriage, it's always about compromise.
I think stepfamilies can be successful if everyone involved is sane and they are all decent parents with good boundaries.
In a nuclear family, I think there are less
issues wtih allocations of resouces (time, money, rooms in the house), If DH says, heah, I will take DD to her softball game, the response will likely be great. If mom says, lets take 1/2 of my bonus and put in college fund, I think less chance of push back. I think this is because in a nuclear family, whatever parent one does for the kids, he/she is also doing for the kids of the other parent.
That's a big part of where I
That's a big part of where I was going with this. The college fund example, for instance, I would be unhappy about even if I agreed to it because I thought it was the right thing to do. Because the truth is, investing in his kid does nothing for me so to me it feels like a waste. Whereas if it were my biological child I would be fine with it as long as we could afford it and have no underlying resentment, because investing in my own kids feels normal and natural and I get something out of it emotionally.
And in reverse, the example I have above of if I were to fall very ill or something along those lines, it would be in my own biological childrens best interest to let DH invest time and help in me getting better. For my stepdaughter that is a waste in her view of her dads time energy and money, and she would likely be annoyed underneath even if she knew it was the right thing to do.
Wants and needs just arent aligned as often in stepfamilies it seems as they are in a nuclear family
But - I wouldn't see DH
But - I wouldn't see DH wanting to have a college fund for his kid as a "waste" because it doesn't benefit me. I wouldn't look at it that way at all - any more than I would think it was a "waste" if he spent money on a hobby I didn't enjoy.
So it does take a change in perspective for the stepparent too, IMO.
Perhaps waste isnt the right
Perhaps waste isnt the right word. It's more about the emotional aspect of it than practical. I feel good about investing in my kids with her is just kind of a...sigh, alright I suppose we should.
As far as DH investing in a hobby, I do get something out of it if it makes him happier. Him being happy improves our relationship.
But - his kid makes him happy
But - his kid makes him happy, too, right? Helping her out is likely important to him.
I don't think the money should be given if it takes away from other priorities in your home, but if it's something he wants to do and can, that would make him happy, right?
Are you talking that you
Are you talking that you would view your DH putting money in a college fund as a waste? or that you would not want to put your own in?
Because.. I agree in the latter.. there is relatively less benefit to you.. although it could be beneficial to you generally if the child is no longer living at home because they have an education and can support themselves... and aren't saddled with debt that will make moving out dificult.
But..whether a parent can put money in a college fund is dependent upon their ability to do so.. based on competing needs to pay bills.. save for their own retirement etc.. after those needs are met.. it's fine.. for THEIR money.
Is it that the stepparent wishes that the financial resources were going to THEM instead? that is competing?
In the 2nd scenario... I personally have paid thousands towards medical care for my SD's.. it was the right thing to do.. and really wasn't a waste.. they are human beings that needed it.
I would not regard DH putting money in a college fund for his
kids as a waste. But it is not the same as putting in a college account for a mutual kid. In an intact family, yes, there are still competing needs, but I do think most people will prioritize college for their own kids higher than college for stepkids. Is it competition? Maybe, but most families do not have unlimited funds, and when resources are constricted, choices have to be made
See in my case I would not be
See in my case I would not be okay with DH putting money into a college fund for his kids simply because after CS which is like 1K and the fact that we have ans support his kids 50 percent of the time....that’s all the money they are gonna get period. We have a shared child and I have 3 other children.....just not possible.
plus his kids can barely make it to middle and high school.....so forking cash over upfront for college that they will likely drop out of....no.
I pretty much agree.
I pretty much agree.
For me....in my first marriage my EXH and I were the ONLY adults in the relationship and the only adults making decisions. Now in this blended family I have DH, BM and my EX. For example.....DH and I can’t just plan stuff spur of the moment because we have to check calendars and check with BM and exH.
In my first marriage neither of us were guilty Disney parents. We set rules and boundaries with the kids and never felt bad and we used the word NO.
in my first marriage if exH spent hundreds of dollars on something for our kids I would be happy. If my current H spends hundreds on his kids I would want to pack my bags and leave in anger.....because of the high child support he already pays.
in my first marriage exH and I were a team and always on the same page. Current DH and I are on 2 different teams....him and his kids and me and mine. There is usually a battle. If I get my kid a new shirt then his kid pitches a fit until she gets a new shirt. Repeat.
there is no peace, consistency or harmony in my blended family. All of which existed in my first family.
So looking back at it now-
So looking back at it now- was the first family situation better or was it just different?
I agree
DD's interest is to live in a loving family with both parents that love her.
DH's son interest is more or less the same, except his parents are not together anymore. Fight for the boy's interests would even be conflicting with DH's interests, as he cannot stand the BM.
Bring the boy here in this loving family would be against my interest, as I cannot stand him and do not feel like handling two kids, this is precisely why I had only one daughter. It will also most likely destroy this family, this will be against my, DH's and DD's interests altogether.
Later will come studies, I want to provide best available one for DD and I will succeed. I will not spend a penny on DH's boy. The BM is a low income, DH with his travels and CS cannot really provide more.
At the same time I am asking DH to participate to our household and later will ask him to participate to DD's college fees. It will mean he will not be able to fly so often to see the boy, which is also conflicting. Life is hard :)