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Poll...Why do SO/DH Turn a blind eye to rude/Bratty behavior?

Sarahsteal's picture

Submitted by Sarahsteal on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 7:19am

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General Discussion

DH’s 12 year old son is a rotten,Disrespectful spoiled Monstrous brat. There’s no other way to describe him. He’s always been like this but as he’s gotten older it’s gotten worse. DH either Ignores the behavior or I can tell it is bothering DH and he may try to correct stepson but stepson Refuses and DH gives up. Been years since DH has given consequences for SS’s rotten behavior. In the past When consequences were given by DH SS reacted violently Yelling swearing hiting so this could be a reason why DH has backed down on the Discipline. 

DH is a wonderful man and our life would be perfect without this brat. I’ve talked to DH a number of times about not allowing SS to behave a certain way. DH response is BM Coddles and babies SS so it’s going to be Impossible to expect SS to behave at our house since BM allows it. Or like I said above DH will tell me he does not see anything wrong with SS. 

So my question is why does certain bio parents allow really Unacceptable behavior with their children? 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 7:52am

Number One..  Poor parenting..... and your husband IS the main problem here.  It's awfully convenient to blame BM when he has the child fully 50% of the time.. he has just as much time that he could be reinforcing GOOD behavior.. but he doesn't.

Number two..  a bio parent's ability and inclination to just not notice the aggravations as much.  With unconditional/biological ties.. the parents just literally don't see HOW bad it is with their kids.

Number three... Men are still very used to the division of responsibility in the home being that the mom raises the kids.. so he is often not there as much.. working etc.. or doing other things.. 

The thing is, a divorced father doesn't get the luxury of abdicating his parental responsibilities.

He absolutely can and should have expectations for behavior and actions that are different in your home.  In fact, I bet 100% the kid is actually better behaved at his mom's house.. Your husband throws up his hands?  What kind of parent gives up on their kid?

You need to stop letting him use his EX as a lame excuse.  I don't care whether BM lets him do X.. he is with you 50% of the time.. so that doesn't fly.  I will not stand for this behavior in my home.. either you step up and parent.. or you are going to find yourself going it alone for the 50% of the time that your little damion is here for visitation.

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 7:54am

I guess it is guilt. When my DH was married to his EX wife....I can promise you that my skids didn't get away with what they get away with now.

 

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 8:08am

Your DH sounds similar to mine. It sounds like your DH just doesn't want to deal with this kid. I cannot imagine dealing with a brat 50% of the time though. If the skid disrespects you do you say something to him?

Sarahsteal's picture

Submitted by Sarahsteal on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 9:30am

SS loves to change me for Authority and Actually looks for things to irritate me. If SS starts being rude or Arguing with me DH will pretend not to notice or that’s what he says when I call him out on why he allowed SS to talk to me like this. 

SSstepmom's picture

Submitted by SSstepmom on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 8:09am

We have my dhs teens full time. Their bio mom is not in their lives. When I first met dh the girls behavior was so poor. I have teen girls myself so the difference between the 2 sets of kids was insane. Last year they were both in mental health facilities and have had intensive counseling. So now that they're not causing complete life ruining drama they get away with pretty much anything else cause hey "they came so far" ugh. It's a constant battle I wasn't prepared for 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Submitted by CompletelyPuzzled on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 8:16am

I think it might be a few different things.  Guilt is a powerful thing. My DH is not a Disney dad at all, but even he has moments where he feels guilty.  Because of problems caused by BM, he missed several of SD13's milestones. Now that we have a new baby and one on the way, he worries that she is jealous of the bond he has with our DD.

Also, I think for some dads, they want to be better than BM.  They want to be the fun house so kids will prefer them.  And also, I think some of it is just pure laziness.  It easier to ignore the behavior than to try amd fix it.

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 9:10am

This.

My formerSO had full custody of his son for 2 years before I met him. His bm rarely saw him... you know, only holidays and if her family was having a gathering (to look like MOTY). 

Dispite this, his poor behavior was blamed 100% on bm because "that is how she raised him". Before the divorce she was a SAHM and dad worked a lot, so was not an active player when it came to parenting. But he had full custody for TWO YEARS and did nothing to correct poor behavior in that time, or after I met him. 

Excuses included "if I try to change things now, he will go live with his bm", "I don't know how to do it", "I don't want to constantly be correcting him, I need to relax after work and not have drama all the time", "he isn't that bad", "he needs you (meaning me) to be a mother figure and teach him". Excuse Me? I need to teach him? Reality was, he was to damn lazy (and drunk most of the time) to deal with his son. Further, he (and formerMIL) expected that I would just put up with the poor behavior, do everything for him, and just "love him". 

The major issue was fear that if he was disciplined, made to do homework or chores, or even have a bedtime he would go live with his bm and then formerSO would have to pay child support. And he didn't want to "pay her because she had a kid". 

 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 8:49am

DH response is BM Coddles and babies SS so it’s going to be Impossible to expect SS to behave at our house since BM allows it.

What a bunch of bull. My niece was 2 (or younger) when she realized that there were different expectations of her, and she could get away with different things (or not), depending on if she was home, at Grandpa and Grandma's, or at my house.

Your wonderful man is an awful parent, and frankly, not a great spouse for making you live with his son's horrid behavior.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 10:12am

In my experience, DHs allow bratty behaviour because they are worried that if they correct it, the SKIDs will not want to come over any more, or have a relationship with them.  So they allow their kids to behave anyhow and treat stepmothers anyhow, then in later years the stepmothers (like me) realise that they have a choice not to accept this, and stop accepting it and that's that. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 9:30pm

Nothing dragging that demon spawn to the wood shed, putting him over the saw horse and lighting his ass up with a paddle won't fix.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

smh

DH needs to grow some balls.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 7:15pm

No one said anything about abuse. Corporal punishment is not abuse. It is a legal disciplinary method in all but one US state.  That is a small state and  you can get over the state line to 3 other states in a short drive if a spanking is in order.

Look it up.

http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp

 

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Wed, 10/16/2019 - 7:47pm

You didn't describe a spanking, you described a beating.

Hitting a kid with a PADDLE is abuse. 

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 10/25/2019 - 3:53pm

Paddle, belt, wooden spoon, hand, switch, etc... all tools for a spanking.  We are talking about applying stinging force to butt cheeks not beating a kid in the head with fists or a blunt object. One is abuse, the other is corporal punishment. Two very different things.

Corporal punishment is legal in 49 US states.

spank

/spaNGk/

verb

gerund or present participle: spanking

slap with one's open hand or a flat object, especially on the buttocks as a punishment.

"she was spanked for spilling ink on the carpet"

h

Similar:

smack

slap

slipper

put someone over one's knee

thrash

cane

belt

leather

cuff

wallop

whack

lather

give someone a hiding

give someone a hot bottom

warm someone's bottom

give someone a licking

scud

skelp

tan

tan/whip someone's hide

Origin

early 18th century: perhaps imitative.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 1:24pm

I believe it's laziness and the need to be the "nice dad".  He is not a "wonderful man" if he can't parent his kids, by the way. He may be a "nice guy", but if he were wonderful, he'd do something about his feral kid so you didn't have to deal with this, and so his son might have a chance at a normal life. 

He tries to discipline SS, SS refuses and he gives up? WTF? How do you even have any respect for him?

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 2:41pm

So your H turns a blind eye to all the f@ckery going on and you still remain living in this mess? Why, why do you continue to allow yourself to live like this? To accept such bullsh!t excuses from your H that has the kids 50% of the time. He either has to man up and parent his kids or you have to make a decision if this arrangement is ideal for you.....