I hope he's not serious because his son will hold this against him for the rest of his life. He's going to see it as his father not wanting him. Secondly, it's my understanding that he can't sign his rights away unless there is another parent waiting in the wings to take them - i. e. the courts will not take away his rights if there is not a subsitute second parent waiting to adopt the child. Thirdly, even if he does manage to give up his rights, he might still have to pay child support ...

I'd suggest he have his child support reevaluated because he might be paying too much. Then I'd contact the court to find out what is happening about is request to file for joint custody. 

Is it possible that BM is committing welfare fraud...?

Why would BM agree to give up $500 a month, free clothes and all that fun jerking DH's chain?

There is zero chance that BM will agree to this - and I've never heard of any state allowing someone to walk away from supporting a kid that he created.

Also, at least my state doesn't really take into account whether or not the man has a new family, it's strictly based on income.

Sorry, I don't think this is going to be the solution. He needs to treat the CS as a payment he has to make, stop trying to spend more time with SS, be the best father he can in those two weeks a year, and hope for the best as SS grows up.

In my state, you can sign your rights away but you will still pay child support unless the child is being adopted.

I think your DH is paying all the extras because he is scared if he doesn't then BM takes him to court for more child support.  He needs to stop all the extra buying and pay just the $500.00 a month especially if that is court ordered by him.  It may still be cheaper for him to have BM take him to court and get more child support than to pay all the extras.  She can take him to court but it isn't written in stone that she will get any extra money.  

When MIL calls, your DH needs to tell her that he pays his child support every month and let it go. 

As much as I do not like SD or Skankula and I wish that woman would fall off the edge of the earth...

My DH was about to do the same when SD was about 7. Skankula only “allowed” him to see her about three years of her life at that point. Every time he didn’t bend to her will or something happened, he wasn’t allowed to pick up his own kid. Skankula screamed at him to sign over his rights, bc her new husband was going to adopt her, he did more for her than he did, yada yada...and he seriously considered it. I convinced him NOT to...bc SD may need him later in life. 

5 years rolls by with no contact. SDgets sick, Skankula calls and he’s right there. Contact/visits is reestablished. We find out that that “wonderful” BMDH has been physically abusing Skankula and SD. SD is almost failing out of school at 12.

DH goes for EC and gets it and we’ve had it ever since. SD Graduated HS, is working... and doing ok. 

you don’t know what the future brings. I certainly didn’t expect this situation, but that skid may really need his dad in the future. 

If your DH struggles to help one child with measly 500 a month, why is he creating more kids? I can never understand procreating while destitute. Why? 

I doubt this will be successful..... but by all means... support him so when he moves on to his next baby mama... he can ditch your child too.

I'm sorry... but he needs to meet his obligations to his child. You should seek employment and I am fairly certain your job would outplay daycare... or what a out you take on a kid or two to watch... since that would bring in more money too.... and you should be furthering your education... many college courses taught online.. so you can get a better job.

Has your DH spoken with his commander and tried to see if he can get legal support from his command?  I don't see the military being all that happy with him if he just signs over his rights, it could have the potential to affect his advancements in the future.  Also if he signs away his rights, he will lose that bit of money he is getting for his son as a dependant and he will still have to pay CS but now he's brining in less money.

Has your DH considered when he gets his son for visitation, going and filing for emergency custody in his state and then not returning son to BM.   If she's using drugs and has been arrested he can show cause.  

As for you not working, you just had a baby two months ago for christ sakes, you need time to stay home and bond.  But going forward have you looked into the military spouse programs that can help with job placement?  In home child care is an option for people who want to stay home with their own kids.  You can set how many children you will watch and it can give you a bit of extra income until you can get back to work full time.  

I imagine your MIL is fit to be tied with both her son and you.

In one sentence you say MIL cotacts you nagging to send clothing that fits for her first grandson. In another sentence you write that MIL is having to help you financially with formula for her granddaughter, her son's second child.

OP, here is why people are upset:

You're 27, not 17. Your DH has been paying CS and extras for a few years now. You know how babies are created and you had 9 months to sort your finances before quitting your job and losing income.

It SHOULD NOT be your DH's son who loses out in this situation, and that's exactly what will happen if DH tries to relinquish his rights. He will have a child floating out in the world who will fair poorly due simply to the fact that your DH doesn't want to put up with his ex. It's sickening to allow a child to suffer and offer no escape should it be needed/allowed just so DH's life with his "new" family can be easier.

My DH was a teen dad. Former military. Former XW who didn't work and has been one hell of a horrible human being. As much as my DH would have LOVED to scrap dealing with her, he can't. He made the choice to procreate with her, and now he (and I, by extension) has to deal with the financial and emotional consequences of that action.

Your DH doesn't get to just throw his son away to make life easier. You both are too old to play these kinds of games. I'm sorry that you have a newborn, but you've had nearly a decade post-HS to further your education and get a decent job. You didn't, and now YOU and DH have to figure out to provide for your own child without hurting DH's son - which is EXACTLY what will happen if he signs over his rights. And to what, save a few thousand dollars a year? A few thousand dollars that could easily be made up by a side babysitting gig or working opposite shifts?

If you aren't capable of bringing in more than $800/mo then you weren't financially secure enough to have kids. Now that you have one, you're going to have to do everything in your power to feed her WHILE NOT TAKING FOOD OR A RELATIONSHIP AWAY from your DH's son.

This whole mess sounds wholly irresponsible, and many of us on here deal with irresponsible BMs daily. You being a SM doesn't mean we will be supportive of you. This isn't just you having a newborn; this is a vast series of events that have led you to being put in this predicament and it has caused TWO CHILDREN to be raised in poverty. That's an abhorrent situation that many of us won't support.

Even if working full time only brings in $50 net gain per month, that buys 2 cannisters of formula, or two packs of diapers. That still helps your child who you can't feed.

It’s a hard decision to make. While I could never see my partner doing it I have a close friend who did. He was young when he had his first two. He had a lot going against him and the mother was not stable. She fully used the children against him and the court wasn’t going to help him. It was hard to watch him play her game and finally all he could do was walk away.

He is now an amazingly devoted stepfather and has a few more of his own. He will never forget his first two but not only did it hurt him what the mother was doing but it also hurt the girls. He has left it open that should they ever wish to find him they will be able to and he understands he will have a lot to make up for.

In the end it’s only your partner who can make the choice. If he’s open to it he needs to read the book Divorce Poison. It was written for exactly this sort of situation and offers advice on what to do up to the point he’s at and gives advice on how to handle it should he go through it with.

OP---Daycare on post IS VERY expensive. Even though they price it on pay grade----it's nuts and not affordable.

I am guessing you qualify for at least WIC...right? IF you have not applied---go apply. I read your nursing BUT you will have vouchers for a lot of food items that will help lower  your grocery bill.

About your dh's decision to request tpr.....Unless a lot has changed, the states (all states)  only concern is who is going to support the child. I know of zero states that allow a parent to give up their rights without an adoption in the wings OR guardianship placement/kinship care. IF dh doesnt pay his support the state may have to step in an support the child. IE, welfare For that reason---giving up rights is not simple.

What he can do is tell mom he not accept his visitation 2x a year. He can Keep the child on Tricare and let mom play her games with someone else. I say this because it sounds like mom is not bridging a relationshp what so ever between son and dad. Its a story heard over and over again on here and various other sites.

IF you have a very high conflict bm----you should expect her to say YOU cant do that, YOU have to see your child...YOU cant give up visitation...YOU cant you cant YOU C A N T.

Yes you can. Zero overnights wont UP his support much since you wrote he sees his boy only 2x a year....you can look at the cs calculator on line. CS is based on overnights and HIS income.

It is known as dropping the rope. Since bm's have already kept the child from dad either by court order min visitation or interferences WITH what little visits he does have...NO amount of money or court dates pleading your love for the child will change what she will continue to do...that is until the child is 18 and no money is coming in to Gold Sticker Mom bank account

... Then it changes,  magically the now emancipated kid re-appears...OR with Pathogenic Parenting it is unlikely the now adult kid will return.

The decision, what ever it is IS never an easy one.  Normal range people (mentally normal range) DO NOT keep kids from their x.  They just do not---and they are NOT high conflict.

Stop asking MIL for gift ideas....your 27. MIL should be talking her adult son, your husband. NOT you by the way.

Last---you can work as a server at a local cookie cutter joint...Applebees, TGI Fridays...and make a killing over the weekend. Pick UP a Thursday, Friday, Saturday---Average shift is 4 to 5 hours...if you get 4 tables IF your a decent server you should get at min 5bucks per table tip. Thats 20bucks an hour in your pocket. VERY low end.  I knew people who worked at AB...they were walking out with 5 to 6 hundered for the weekend.

I served years ago 100bucks a night was the norm. Tell who ever is hiring you that you cant work Sundays for religious reasons...Sundays never pay because the church crowd wont tip. Then you at least have Sundays with your dh and baby.  ANd you wont be stuck on the schedule for Mothers Day or Easter, Palm Sunday---again sundays are awful to work.

GoodLuck

Giving up his rights to a child that he helped to create is NOT the right solution.

I am not sure I would have any respect for a man that would rather forego his responsibility than find ways to make it work.

OP I'm sorry you have a child with this man, that must make it harder to leave him which is what I would do if my husband gave up his legal responsibility towards his child. 

If your husband is just wallowing in self pitty with no intentions to follow through on this then you need to tell him you undersand that the situation is hard but that giving up is not the answer then you two need to sit down and work out a plan to cut expenses, bring more income into your household and continue down the legal route to get better access to ss. If you cannot see a way forward yourselves then ask for help. It is possible to improve this situation it just requires some planning and effort and changing the way that you two do things with a view to a better future. 

In the short term it might be hard and it may require sacrifices that you would rather not do, but if you literally cannot feed your child then you need to do something to improve your situation. If I were you I would come up with a short, medium and long term aims to improve your situation. Short term you need more money for food. That is your and your husband's priority. Once you have improved that situation then you can start to focus on medium and long term goals. Even if your husband does give up rights to his son, I doubt that process is quick or cheep. So your focus has to be on improving your imediate cash flow issues for now. 

Okay here are some neutral suggestions:

1. CS will have to be paid no matter if he keeps his rights or not.  Stop fighting BM, no more court, no filing for anything, just keep paying the CS.

2. HOWEVER, stop paying a dime over CS.  Your DH, unfortunately cannot control what BM actually does with that money.  He CAN control not giving her anymore.  He can control addressing the fact that he pays it and what it should be used for.  Every time BM or MIL asks for additional money, he responds "That is what I pay CS for, BM should be using to suppy Little One with xyz and abc."  Same response, every time, then stop responding.

3.  Keep the visitation.  It is what it is.  He travels, he's military, he's the NCP.  Most NCP's do not have much of an impact in the way of parenting. Especially when it's with a high conflict, difficult BM.  However, it's better than no contact at all.  She is still his daughter.  Don't let him throw that away.  Children are a gift.

4.  Get a part time job.  Sorry OP but it is possible.  We all have choices, they might suck, but they are there.  Even if it's 2 shifts on the weekend waitressing, DO IT.  Use that tip money to buy food.  Do your part.  It may seem small but it will make a difference.

5.  Watch school aged children after school during the week.  Not sure on the US, but here in the UK, there are way less rules if the kids are aged 8+.  As in you can watch as many as you like, less paperwork, less guidelines etc. than infants and toddlers.  Give them a cheap easy snack and set pick up time to be 5.30pm so they eat dinner at home.  Most families in the US have both parents woring so childcare is always needed.

6.  If his daughter needs a few bits of clothing in the few days per year she's with you, go to Goodwill.  Go to a school or church clothing resale and get a few bits before her visit.  I was born and lived in the US for 35 years.  This is how I shopped for my son until he was older.  It's super cheap and you can resell them when she goes back to BM's.  It's so little per year it wouldn't be a great burden.

7.  Disengage.  You can't control what BM does in her household anymore than she can control your household.  It's not ideal, it's upsetting and it's not right but you have to hope for the best.  If child services get involved, you may get her full-time.  All the more reason to work and get yourselves in a better financial situation.

8.  Look into government subsidies.  If your household is low income, apply for food stamps, subsidized daycare so you can work, etc.  It is better to get help than to not provide for the family.  Look at it as a short-term solution.  Come up with other ideas to improve your situation.

Take it little by little day by day.  Good luck.

Wow, I know this is an old thread but shocking how judgemental people have been to you. Can empathise with your husband although I agree that giving up his rights and responsibilities not the way to go for the sake of your SK. But you have/had a two month old!! Like that isn't already a full time job! How selfish of you to want be a full time mum when your child was only two months old!! And yes childcare costs the earth. I have a professional job and if we were using a nursery full time which we planned to do pre-covid it would have swallowed nearly all my wage. My partner has just been made redundant due to covid so I'm working full time and he is looking after our baby full time. And I'm really glad that he is getting this bonding time with her for both of them, priceless. MY SKs provided for but like it is for so many, new parents its tough moneywise right now. It'll improve in time. Anyway, way to go, those who responded so judgementally! Judge the partner who has not long since given birth and wants to enjoy those fleeting early months, not the dad whose responsibility it is two provide for both his children! Not that I judge him although I hope he didn't go through with it. Sounds like, with BM, you're both suffering enough as it is. Hope things have improved.