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Will Moving Fix The Drama?

stepju6's picture

Long time lurker on the site, finally created a membership because this is too much.  

I've been married to DH for just about 10 years now, been in 3 SK'S lives since 2011. HCBM was a tyrant in the beginning, telling anyone who would listen that **I** broke up her family and that DH had been cheating with me (not true, not true, not true).  

BM has had a steady BF for the last 5 years, which seemed to calm her down. We would have the occasional blow out over scheduling or something, but basically things had been peaceful...Until she and BF broke up late last year. Now it's back to HCBM mode all the time and it's like she is blaming us for that break up, too. She is emotionally manipulating all 3 SD's but the youngest (12) is getting the brunt of it. Lately BM tearfully says things like "it physically hurts me to send you to your father's home" when DH arrives for pick up and is constantly apologizing to SD's because she "knows it's unfair that they have to come and see DH". Naturally, this sets the tone for our custody time and portrays DH and I as the villains. 

Additionally, BM has contacted an attorney stating that she wants more custody time and, of course, an increase in child support (we currently have 50/50- every weekend and makeup time in the summer/school holidays/etc). About 4 years ago DH and I bought a home about 20 miles away. The distance has never been an issue, as we primarily have the kids non-school time and DH does all the driving. However, BM now feels that having the kids in the car for the 45 minute drive each way is abusive and a waste of custody time. We both know this won't fly in a court room, but DH is feeling sensitive to his kids, who have started complaining about the drive, and he is now contemplating moving us closer to BM to avoid the added conflict. 

 I feel like I am getting lost in all of this. We only have 6 more years of child support payments, so do I just go along and leave the home we purchased? We will have to rent our home out to supplement the more expensive cost of living in BM's neck of the woods, and that breaks my heart. It's my house, dammit! Do we placate the demands or continue on and see what happens in court? DH will not give up any custody time without a court order, and a nonsensical court battle will drain our savings, so he feels like moving is the only option to mitigate the circumstances. I believe that even if we move we will still have 3 kids that do not want to come over.. 

Am I the only not taking the crazy pills? 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Depending on where you live, 45 mins can be 10 miles away. I know that where we live, that can be the case with traffic on a bad day! 

Like you said, this argument wouldn't stand in court. However, you have a BM who is successfully turning kids against your DH. Once that has started it is hard to stop. I don't think moving will help. Right now it's a commute, but if you move back it will be something else- "Your dad doesn't care about your sports/Friends/whatever". BM sees a tool to use against your DH and is using it, she will find another if you move. 

She would have to have a change in circumstances to change the schedule, all your DH has to prove is that nothing has changed but an address and since he is the one doing the commute, it is a non-issue. 

caninelover's picture

A 45 min drive is not worth moving for.  The kids would complain even if it were 5 min.  The issue is crazy BM's PAS.  Moving won't solve that.

Survivingstephell's picture

My rule was to never give in to BM.  She has no rights over me and my choices.  Moving will only show her she can control you.  IMO (and experience, you are better off teaching critical thinking skills.  When the skids start their programming , counter back with questions to make them think.  Ask them why they said that. Or why their mother would say that.  You don't know anything about nothing.  You don't have to say anything about what you know , but help them see the games and send them back with questions for BM.  Age appropriate facts always.  Flood them with truth and facts.  If the youngest is 12, they are overdue for facts.   
 

Don't give this BM any power.  

stepju6's picture

If the youngest is 12, they are overdue for facts.

What is appropriate to say about custody, child support, etc? We have never discussed this with any of the kids. In my opinion, all of my SD's deserve to know why we can't just let them stay at BM's until traffic dies down, but DH feels like getting into the why's behind parenting time and child support oversteps a parenting boundary.

BM has no boundaries, which is why all info the SK's get is one sided... 

floralsm's picture

In my experience, we have told the SK's about CS at this age.  Only because Toxic BM opened the gate already involving them into 'money'. She tells the skids 'it's dads turn to buy you some shoes'. Nonsense like that. We say 'actually every month dad gives your mum money to help her look after you when you are in her care. So IF she buys you ANYTHING its most likely from Dad anyway. So don't worry about it, we will sort it out'.  Straight away the truth stomps her BS. Kids don't need massive amount of details, just the truth and that their dad loves them and will always look after them.
 
Edit - Regarding the car drive DH got told my the kids once 'mummy says it's too far away to drive where you live' and he said 'really? Too far away from where?' They stopped and said 'Um.. not sure?' Immediately they second guessed their statement as it made them think. It takes us 25 mins to take them to school, and we do that drive twice a day. He explained to the kids to us that isn't far, he does this because he cares and loves them. 

ESMOD's picture

Unless they are completely clueless kids.. they have to have some basic level of understanding of what happens when people's parent's divorce.. that there are different custody arrangiments and certainly the concept (at least in theory) of Child Support probably isn't foreign.. by 12 years old.. and certainly older.

Of course they don't need to know details of exactly what went down at the custody battle.. or the dollar value put on their heads..lol.

But,  They should understand that the reason for custody arrangements is so that the kids and both parents get an opportunity to have time to build and maintain a relationship.. with each other.  The time is split to try to give each parent appoximately 50% of the time.

If there is a support order.. it's fine for the kids to understand that dad contribute to their needs.  they don't need to know the absolute dollar amount... but they can hear that.  "not unlike most other situations where the parents split up.. one of the parents usually has an obligation to pay some money to help out with the children's expenses.. " again.. if they ask how much.. you can say it's a complicated formula that takes a lot of things into account.. but they should know that dad is contributing.  I think 12 and older is mature enough to generally understand this.

AgedOut's picture

To be honest, she's going too complain and lie to them if you're where you are (too long in car), half the distance away (still too long) and/or in the same zip code (he's spying on us now) 

stay where you are, prepare to fight back if needed and remember it's not thek ids, it's her and there's is really nothing you can do. She's going to say what she wants to them to keep them from you. It's not distance, it's her.

ESMOD's picture

I wouldn't move.  It's 6 more years.. and with the youngest being 12.. I'm assuming that the other kids will age out before those years are even up.

I don't know if you would try to buy or not.. but housing costs right now are high.. so probably not a great time to take that on..and potentially lose money in a few years. 

The sad truth is that the kids may well decide to not want to come to see dad "every weekend".. they probably have more social network and activities there.. and even if he drives them.. they still have that pull.

 

floralsm's picture

Is she a parent to the kids? If she is responsible and takes interest in thier welfare (basic hygiene and interest in their schooling for example) than its harder to break her cycle. 
 

Toxic BM tries to turn her kids against us but she does fall on her own sword a lot. This helps SD see the manipulation when DH explains what our expectations are in our household and how we treat them. There is no way he should move! Not sure what the law is there but here you need to attend mediation before a court trial even begins. Hopefully something like this can squash her manipulative tactics. Remember to document everything too. Seems like a pattern of her manipulative behaviour here and it won't look good on her 

Cover1W's picture

You are describing Parental Alienation straight up.

It's very difficult to fight or correct unless it's just started.  Do your research on it; Amy Baker is a good resource as well.

Good luck - DH lost his OSD18 to PA when she was 14; YSD16 isn't as suseptible but she's got a lot of loyalty binds with BM due to the PA from that household.

Oh - and it's got nothing to do with where you live. Nothing.

 

strugglingSM's picture

You could give BM everything she claims she wants and she would still find something to fight about. HCBMs need to support the narrative that they are the victim and the martyr who only cares about the kids while evil dad is only out to get them. Do not move...if you move, it will just be something else. Forty-five minutes is not far, the kids are not babies, they will be fine.

CLove's picture

Agree with each and every comment. Not only is she PA-ing but shes also guilt trippng them. Thats what Toxic Troll BM does with SD15.5. Always plays victim and "Oh I miss you soooooo much". And I am evil SM. 

Luckily we bought a few years ago and got a below market deal. And Bm is stuck at her apartment complex. Because lazy.