Hi Everyone. I recently became a step-parent to 3 kids in June, 21,19 and 8. I have 3 kids myself, 15,13 and 11. We knew going we would have very little time at home to ourselves during the summer because even though my kids all go to camp for the summer none of his kids leave for any period of time for the summer. His oldest who is 21 has been living in a foreign country going to school their for the last 2 years (just for fun, not degree or career oriented) and told us, consistently she was coming back for summer and after Labor Day moving their for good. When she still had no job offer there mid-august she told us she was going anyway to look for a job there. (My husband has a lot of family in that country). She had always been supportive of our relationship and cordial to me so I was more than ok with this plan for the summer.The only thing I asked was that we get two weekends by ourselves during the course of the summer in our home since we had no time to go away. We were basically living together before the wedding for a month and when my husband saw I was stressed by it said "why don't we ask the kids to stay at my parents (who live 8 blocks away and kids close with) for two weeks after the wedding so we get some alone time since we can't take a honeymoon right now." I felt good about this. Well, My husband was too scared to ask his kids for this, hoped I would forget and then it never happened. The second of the two weekends never happened either. On the second of the two weekends his 21 year old said "daddy can you pick me up at my friend's house saturday night, drive me to your place can I sleep over and then can you drive me to the train Sunday morning. So he asked me in front of her is this ok and I was put on the spot. I was an idiot and said yes because then I was even further taken advantage of. Friday she calls him and asks for him to pick her up from the train station Friday evening and drive to her friend about 20 minutes away (in the middle of a Happy hour for our friends at our house) and he says ok. That is when I lost my S---. Since then there has been a lot of tension but I always welcomed her into the house until after Labor day, when she announced she took a job in a town 10 minutes away from us and wants the option to live with us. When I said that on weekends we dont have any of the 4 school aged children I would like to have alone time with her father. (I didn't actually have this conversation with her, I am not allowed to as per my husband, he had it with her). The push back he got was pure manipulation. She told him that he promised she would always have a home with him, that you can't give birth to children and throw them away and that she has been abandoned. My husband who has always been doting and respectful of my needs and feelings became totally dismissive of me whenever it came to his children after that. Although it's only partially relevant, a little background information: We lived 45 minutes apart when we were dating. I lived in a beautiful apartment in the city and he lived in dingy two bedroom in the burbs. His 21 and 18 year old shared a room, a girl and a boy (when she was home) and his 8 year old slept in a makeshift room in the living room that was curtained off. I don't fault him for this. He has very little money and was paying child support and alimony and rent. He is a hardworking man who was trying to make the best life he could for his kids.My kids live very very well. In addition to what I earn I get very very generous child support as they have a very wealthy father. Initially the plan was for me to sell the apartment and find a less nice but bigger one that could accomodate all the children except the one moving back to the foreign country. His 18 year old, who was a freshman in college had been so awful and tried to thwart the relationship so many times and made it so clear he did not want to move to the city that I told his father he could get his own apartment with roomates near college and I would pay for half if it every month and that is what is he currently doing. His ex wife refused to let his 8 year old move the city part time. I consulted multiple divorce lawyers who told me were likely to lose in court so I bought a house in the burbs and put the apartment in the city on the market with the intention to get a very small apartment in the city for when I am with my boys during the week. This way his 8 year does not have to commute and we don't have endless lawyer bills on a very likely legal loss .I have partially uprooted my life, agreed to live out here whenever I don't have custody or whenever my boys are off from school, (my husband works out here). I feel that I have been more than generous with my stepkids, have tried to do my best for everyone, am taking my boys into a smaller, less nice place to acconmodate my husbands and his 8 year old daugter's needs and I am being pushed around but his ungrateful 21 year old. We went to see a marriage therapist and she said "well she is home now so it does not matter what your husband promised you or what you planned you need to deal with reality. Maybe you can leave to get away and she can stay home on the weekends you don't have any of the little ones. (oh-her mother lives 10 minutes away from us and she has a room there but she does not love being there, although she works in walking distance from her mother). I left the 2nd therapy session feeling hopeless. I wonder if I am crazy. I am giving these kids a home that I need to vacate if I want alone time with my husband when we don't have cutody? This is more her home than my home? I called my lawyer about something and mentioned it to him and he said "your therapist is giving out your home? what?" I was ready to call it quits when one of my friends snapped me out of it. She said "don't let a 21 year old brat decide your marriage." I was so upset that she was controlling our living situtation but if we split up I am letting her control my marriage and therefor all of my life really.  I am so torn. I want my husband to have a good relationship with his kids. I want him to feel that this is his home as much as it is my home but I feel there are too many unfair expectations on me and I am bring forced into something that makes me so uncomfortable. I didn't buy a new home and uproot my life for his 21 year old to have a house to herself while I need to go away unless I want to be with her. I srated reading some other message boards online and saw that even when the house is split finacially 50/50 it is not a given any adult kids can live and be there whenver they want. What is realistic? What is acceptable? Sorry for all the rambling....