22 year old step daughter issues
I thought I would try this out.
I got remarried 5 years ago and at the time my stepdaughter was 17. She is 22 years old now. She was living with her boyfriend and his parents because she got pregnant at the age of 20. We offered her to stay with us but she insisted on living with them. Things went south and ended up moving back home with us. We paid for lawyer fees for split time with her daughter which is 2 years old, bought her a car, got her into school. She got lazy, not taking care of her daughter, going to friend's houses getting high. We got on her about it and she argued she is not getting high. So I told her lets to take a drug test then and said some other things out of anger that I probably shouldn't have said. She got mad and left. A few days later came backpacked her stuff and we haven't seen her in 3 months as of today. OH, she did just emailed her mother wanting 80 dollars for rent tho. I have tried contacting her a few times to try and apologize and patch things up and got only hateful responses back or she just acts as if I don't exist anymore. I have done a lot to help her and it hurts to so easily be nothing to her. I know I"m the step-father and now the asshole step-father I guess. At times I want to tell her to never ask us or contact us again for anything until she gets her attitude right but I can't do that. That's my wife's daughter and I have tried to treat her like my own also. So I feel stuck on what to do. I'm thinking to just cut ties with her altogether and just not give a shit anymore. Just remove me from her life no matter what she needs, just let her mother deal with it.
any advice would be appreciated.
I'm thinking to just cut ties
I'm thinking to just cut ties with her altogether and just not give a shit anymore. Just remove me from her life no matter what she needs, just let her mother deal with it.
You are correct ^^^^
What's wrong with asking for
What's wrong with asking for a drug test? It's your house. These adultecents are never going to learn to depend on themselves if their parents are always bailing them out from their bad decisions. I would cut ties too, you deserve an apology, not a guilt trip!
If a 22 yo can’t live on her own
Is living with you. With you paying her bills, food, rent, car babysitter service . Can not follow a simple rule. NO drugs. You have nothing to be guilty about. She was the one who was disrespecting you, DW and your home.
You have to disengage from all of it. If your DW is working and she has $80 exter to give her. That is her mother. You did all you could. Unless you just like being disrespected. Then have her move back in. Give her money to buy drugs.
Yep, your right. I know.
Yep, your right. I know.
Oh, I know right, For one she
Oh, I know right, For one she left cause she knew she would fail it. Then it turned into me judging her and assuming things because she was not high. She clearly was. She hasn't even seen her own 2-year-old daughter in 3 months. I mean it seems she has no care about anyone but herself. I don't get it. She is on social media just as happy as can be. It pisses me off. Where is the love and care for her child? How can someone just leave the people that care for them with no concern about how they feel. I just can't get my head around it. I mean yes I am the stepfather but it still hurts. Like everyone else here, I am having a hard time moving past the pain of it all. She will at least acknowledge her mother at times but it's like I don't even walk this earth anymore. I have done a lot to help her but guess that doesn't really matter. I told her mother next time we are not giving her any money. That will be the only reason she will contact her. When she needs help. After she gets the help it's back to thanks but f-you. and yes she will try and put me through a guilt trip like no other. I'm rambling and venting. I'm the type of person that doesn't want to give up hope on things getting better. At the same time, I know my happiness and health is at stake if I keep trying.
So she didn't like being told
So she didn't like being told a few home-truths....too bad. It's your home and you've been very supportive in trying to get her life back on track. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about - she owes you an apology, not the other way round. Presumably the toddler is with her father not with you and your wife?
Yes, the little one is with
Yes, the little one is with her father. I think he is a little nervous we will help my step-daughter if she decides to pop up out of nowhere. But I reinsured him that will not be the case. If she wants to see her daughter she can face the music and talk to him. She will not be allowed to go through us again. Not like last time. I learned a hard lesson. I will not pay for a lawyer again. At some point, she will have to turn and face all of this. Or maybe she won't and she will just keep blaming and running. Who knows. I understand I should not feel guilty but it's there. I feel as if I failed her in some way. She never knew her biological father. I thought maybe I could fill that empty spot for her. I couldn't and I never can. That's what I need to realize I suppose. I will never be considered a parent. I tried tho.
Skid amnesia
There is an interesting condition, “skid amnesia”. It is a condition that is hard to cure and usually comes with anger, hate, and/or manipulation. Since it is difficult to cure, this condition tends to be life long, regardless of age, sex, or education.
The only known way to avoid the devastating effects from a person with this is disengagement (aka “don’t give a rats a$$”). Which also means separating assets is needed to prevent bio parent from the guilt trip drain.
I speak from some experience - let go and move on.
I think you've received great
I think you've received great advice - just wanted to welcome you to the board. I hope you find the support and information you are looking for
"Just leave it up to her
"Just leave it up to her mother" abdicates you from decisions that could have significant impact on your life and marriage. I would not do that were I you.
Not interfacing with her is a good idea but make sure you let DW know clearly that any decision that impacts your, finances, or the marriage in any way must be a joint decision. DW can be the interface but you have to be the equity decision maker.
When we pulled SS from boarding school and dragged him home half way through his Sr year of HS to bust his ass to finish at our local HS... where he knew no one his mom and I discussed it and developed the message but she had to be the one to deliver it. Otherwise it would have just been me being an asshold StepDad. So, his mom went CPA on his ass, gave him the full spreadsheet & powerpoint presentation on his crappy performance and choices and gave him the clear message.
It was my job to support her in that message. So, after she started tax season a few weeks later I took him on a Dad/Kid field trip to the homeless camp under the elevated highway in Philly where I dropped him off for a couple of hours of intensive ass chewing therapy with his future homeless neigbors. I picked him up and then let him know on the drive home that if he did not buckle down and graduate on time that on what should be his graduation day we would be dropping him off at the homeless camp instead of going to graduation.
We scared the shit out of that kid. But... it was his mom's delivery of the message that made the biggest impression on him.
He graduated on time and with honors.
I would suggest that you and DW align, be the equity life partners that you are and let her be the one to deliver the message to your SD.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Let mom deal with it while
Let mom deal with it while you stay in the background and be supportive of the relationship. She may be 22 but emotionally it sounds like she's still a teen. Parenting is a thankless job, stepparenting even moreso. Focus on the relationship with your wife and go do something fun.