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Trying to turn off feelings

mg0527's picture

Submitted by mg0527 on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 12:14pm

I was unable to carry children of my own and now am blessed with 2 step children.  I have been part of our children’s life’s since they were 2 and 3.  They call me Momma and have very little contact with their biological mother but still go to their Granny’s house every other weekend which gives their dad and I time. But I must admit it cuts me so deep that the kids look nothing like me.  I can’t seem to get over it when everyone comments on how beautiful their eyes are especially when people ask where do they get those eyes from.  I can’t help how I feel.  My husband makes me feel even worse because he thinks I should take it as a compliment that they think ours kids are so adorable but to me I feel like they are just saying he made adorable kids with his ex and I contribute nothing.  When in fact,  it those comments cause an anger that grows for her and makes me resent her and the fact that they are her kids.  At least I can be honest about my feelings.  I think he should atleast appreciate that.  I feel like I give so much of myself to the kids and I just can’t get over this.  Does anyone else get this?

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 12:16pm

"blessed"  unless you forgot your sarcasm off tags

mg0527's picture

Submitted by mg0527 on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 3:13pm

Thank you all for your comments.  It is a reminder that I cannot have children of my own.  The babies look just like their mother not their father. I do love them with all my heart and do feel like they are my babies.  But when people make those comments, it hurts because I feel that I have contributed nothing when I know that I have gave so much more than their biological mother but I can’t tell them that.  It hurts even worse that their father doesn’t understand it.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 3:28pm

It is hard - they are not your children, not matter how much you care for them or how much you love them. They do have a mother and it's not you. Even though you have been there for them, they will likely be loyal to her, at least until they are old enough to realize all that you have done for them.

I'm sorry your husband can't understand, he seems to be lacking empathy, too.  It's not hard to understand, he just doesn't want to.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 5:01pm

I understand where you're coming from. Infertility is devastating, and your DH could be more sensitive.  I get comments frequently about how beautiful the skids are (and they are - BM is very attractive and she and DH together produced beautiful kids).  It used to bother me (even though I can have children) because I felt kind of left out, but then I decided that no one would notice or comment on their looks if they weren't reasonably well behaved children, and that's on me.  I DO contribute significantly to their behavior, so I'd just say thank you.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 5:31pm

I'm sorry you are so sad you cannot have children. It is sad for people who want to have children/more children. It's a sad that that feeling pops up when you least expect it and least want it.

I was happy when I got remarried and inherited two skids so I "got more kids." The three kids look nothing like each other. The two skids barely look the same unless you know DH and BM and can see where they are a bit the same. My DS also does not have same looks as the other two. DH and I look like we adopted all of them with our eyes closed while throwing darts. Seriously. One is tall, muscular with brown hair and hazel eyes. One is medium/short, stockier, with bright red hair and porcelain skin. One is medium height, very skinny, and dark, dark brown/black hair. All their hair is a different thickness/curliness.

We get looks when we go out. Given how DH and I look, it's a crap shoot which kid they pick that is "ours" and which ones they assume are friends, stepkids, or adopted. I get that people will mention looks, but, really, for strangers that's all they have to go on is the looks. I'm happy they compliment us on their good manners. Maybe wait a few years until they can hold doors and such, and you'll get those comments from people instead?

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Sun, 09/29/2019 - 10:50pm

As an adoptive mom, I’m having difficulty understanding where you’re coming from. My DD has dark skin, dark eyes, and dark curly hair. I’m very fair skinned with blue eyes and super straight red hair. People compliment her looks ALL the time and that frequently comes with “WHERE did she get those eyes/that skin/those curls?” because it couldn’t be more obvious that it didn’t come from me. I don’t ever feel hurt by it, and I don’t mind explaining to people that she’s adopted. I don’t feel bad for not getting “credit” for how beautiful she is; I’m more than happy to take the credit for what a wonderful human being she is, because that’s what matters most anyway. 

Does it upset you because you don’t like being reminded that your step kids aren’t your biological children? Or because it’s a reminder that your DH had a relationship before you? Either way, just try to keep in mind that contributing to someone’s genetic makeup isn’t that big of a deal and that isn’t what makes someone a parent. What IS a big deal is raising a child to be a kind, generous, responsible, and productive member of society. THAT takes real commitment and effort, and accomplishing that is something to be proud of.