I completely agree. 

There is always going to be toxicity when you have to deal with HCBM's or Skids that have either decided on their own that they would be betraying their mothers be being decent humans to their step parents, or they have been taught to. 

There are also general parenting differences that can lead to conflict.  

However, some of the things I read are just awful. They are just abusive relationships that happen to have kids in the home. I wish that more people (men and women) could see their own worth.

Couldn't agree more.  The light dawned for me round about 5 or 6 yrs ago, that even if my DH was not being abusive to me, he was allowing others to be abusive to me which was almost as bad.  It took me to change and refuse to tolerate it any more before things could be different.  Everyone has their own breaking point.  I hope any members here who are currently in abusive relationships will eventually find their courage to change things. 

I'm starting to think that many of these folks KNOW that their husbands/SOs are abusive.  BUT, they think the abuse is a result of the children's behavior.  If the kid would just do ABC, then my husband wouldn't do XYZ. They refuse to see that regardless of outside forces, the guy is abusive.

Then there are those who just don't want yo be be alone or start over.

I feel sorry for women who think being miserable and/or mistreated is better than being alone.

Yup. Agree too. A bunch of abusers teaching their children to abuse, perpetuating the cycle. Abuse victims need to empower themselves. If you are being abused, there are resources out there, many of them. Get help because you are not being successful in getting out on your own. 

I also think some get so wrapped up in skid behavior, trying to correct it and/or trying to stay away from it that the poor behaviors from so/dh is "overlooked". Particularly when the OP is having to deal with the skids and their poor behavior all the time on a daily basis and nothing ever good, whereas the so/dh may "only" exhibit abusive behavior "sometimes" but there are also good aspects about the person/relationship. Until it can't be "ignored" any more. Plenty of gaslighting and love bombing and other manipulations from the so/dh, I am sure as well. 

That's how it was for me anyway.  When I finally escaped and was able to "clear my head" from the gaslighting/love bombing, I was really...astounded that I let it get that bad... again. Sadly, it wasn't the first abusive relationship I have been in. I am just glad I wasn't "stuck" in it as long as I was previously. 

Great post...!!!!

National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/

There is lots of information on their site about domestic violence and the different ways it can manifest. Emotional and financial abuse is as real and wrong as physical abuse.

I think some abused women assume just because other women post about some challenging skids on here it means they are all in bad marriage or have abusive husbands. So they use it to justify their own abusive marriages. But having difficult SKs doesn’t mean one is being abused by their husbands. People could have difficult bio kids too and It doesn’t mean they have abusive husbands.  One of my skids is a criminal. But my DH still treats me like gold and is a wonderful DH.

Having abusive husbands has nothing to do with skids. Skids don’t cause men to become abusive. Skids are often blamed but true issue is abusive men, skids or no skids. That’s what some abused women don’t get. 

Its especially concerning when women live with abusuve boyfriends, not even husbands, no kids, no marriage, no commitment, they cook and clean and provide sex for these men and are getting nothing in return and are being abused, and they still wouldn’t leave. There is support out there though. It’s hard to leave especially if one gets caught in a cycle of abuse and might have low self esteem.  There is help though 

Unfortunately many women have never been in a healthy relationship and have no idea how it looks so they think as long as he isn’t beating her up, he is ok.

Or they think they don’t deserve better. I have a coworker educated good looking sweet woman married to abusive alcoholic and pot head who financially (he doesn’t work at all) and emotionally abuses her.

And she literally says she doesn’t think she’ll get anyone better, she thinks she is fat and unattractive because he tells her that. Awful and far from the truth  

I wish I'd had the support of this site when I was married to my narcissistic, abusive, psychotic exh. The mental abuse was so gradual, that I didn't have any idea what was happening. If I'd posted these things here, people would have recognized what was happening. It could have saved me from the physical abuse, the (ultimately useless) restraining orders, the stalking, numerous attempts on my life, countless court dates, and years of dealing with a nightmare that COULD have been over much sooner. 

For all who do their best to point out the atrocities of the abuser to the victim; THANK YOU!!!