It's really too bad..
..because this relationship truly did have potential at the outset.
If only my partner had any kind of a spine where it comes to his older children and their BM.
I am fairly confident that this coming weekend is going to herald the pathetic demise of our relationship.
As some of you may recall, we just has the skids for the long labor day weekend, which was absolutely miserable for all concerned. For all the gory details, please see my previous blog.
This coming weekend, skids were scheduled to be with BM. Has been scheduled that way, written on the kitchen calendar, since july. He and I had dinner/movie plans (with movie tix already paid for), I had a friend set up to sit for DD, and most important of all, we were to sit down and have a serious discussion about ground rules and how conflicts will be handled when the skids are here. I will not subject ANY of us to the misery that last weekend was again, and I was extraordinarily clear in stating that they would not enter this house again til we had done so.
He called me shortly after 5pm to tell me that he had "made a scheduling error" and that we actually once again have his older kids this weekend. Absolutely not, no way, this is not true. This is BM bullying him into agreeing to it because she made plans and of course her plans are always the most important thing that ever happened. Nevermind our plans, the money that has been spent, or my friend who changed her schedule to be able to sit for DD. OR THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT OUR WEEKEND WITH THEM AND WAS NEVER SCHEDULED TO BE. So of course i freaked out in about 12 ways. I told him very clearly and concisely that if he acquiesces to her demands (yet again, this kind of thing has happened many times before), that he and I are completely done. I am so grossed out by this man who would rather allow the disgusting BM to continue to dictate the terms of his life, to the point of putting the final nail in the coffin of what our relationship was. What a victory for her. Add it to her list of things to gloat over and manipulate him with in coming years. Even if he does grow a pair and firmly tell her that the schedule will remain as stands and we will NOT have them this weekend, I am so over this shit. Me. Our relationship. Our daughter.. they should always come before his desire to avoid conflict at all costs with his awful BM.
I told him that under no circumstances is he to bring them to my home this weekend. If he makes this choice, he will also be choosing to take them to a hotel or some damn thing for the weekend. IDGAF. This was not our weekend to have them and I will not be forced to deal with them. Additionally, we have not sat down and had the rules and boundaries discussion that I very clearly stated had to happen before they could step foot in this place again.. NEXT WEEKEND.
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I'm fed up with my whole
I'm fed up with my whole blended family situation, so I am probably not in the right mind to give advice. BUT...lol... I would do the same d@mn thing! You HAVE to be heard and believed by DH! IDK if I would go thru with a divorce, but if he comes home with the kids....YOU GO TREAT YOURSELF AND BABY AND GIRLFRIEND TO VACA AT THAT HOTEL! Make it one with the amenities you want and DO NOT feel bad about the expense. That was DH's choice that he made on his own, so you make yourself. I have been fed up, and taken my kids to a hotel a few times. I'm not staying at home miserable because his brats making up lies or trying to ruin our marriage or BM is trying to convince me that she DH are sleeping together, etc. I will take my kids and enjoy a peaceful evening somewhere away from that garbage. And hopefully, if you stand your ground enough (may take years), he will take you seriously. But mean it when you say it. Just sayin. Idol threats only teach people to push us further. Dont go right to the divorce threat. Shoot for your own independence first. It can really scare a man.
Yes, I wish very much that I
Yes, I wish very much that I could just take my child and go any time that they are around. However, my home and its contents are not safe with these willfully destructive children around, and their father who is not attentive enough to prevent them from being so. If I were not there, they would be ruining my furniture, hassling my cats and ransacking mine and my daughter's rooms (which are completely off limits to them for very good reasons). This is just another reason why I am feeling pretty much over this situation. I shouldn't have to be afraid to leave my home "unguarded" when they are present.. I should be able to trust my partner to rein his children in and prevent such behavior. I cannot.
I’m of the mindset that my DH
I’m of the mindset that my DH is a parent, just as responsible for raising his kids as their mother, that the kids should be welcome in our home whenever they need to be here because it is their home too. However, I do agree that certain standards of behavior and cleanliness have to be upheld as well.
I also think date night should be a priority, DH and I tend to have a standing once a week send the kids to bed early so we can eat fun grown up food and watch fun grown up movies without the kids. (Which might be an alternate, if you can return/exchange the movie tickets).
So I’m kind of on the fence about this one, your DH isn’t pulling his fair share of parenting if he’s only available every other weekend, so he should take the kids, but he also shouldn’t break his date with you either...
These children pooped and
These children pooped and peed IN THE BACKYARD last weekend. This is about more than date night.
Pooped and peed in the
Pooped and peed in the backyard, their father required virtually nothing from them as a consequence, and the sit-down discussion regarding rules, expectations and boudaries that I very clearly told him would be required before they could re-enter our home has not taken place. The entireity of last weekend was a nightmare due to their behavior and their father's careless parenting and lack of respect toward me in regard to matters involving these children. There are so, so many reasons why I am on the track I am on here. If there ever was a last straw, this is it.
You realize this will never change.
unlrss you do drastic things. As not allow SD in your home, there a hotel. Unless you make DH more unhappy with you then with BM. It’s never going to change,
That gives you two choices, live with it, or leave. You are an adult. You don’t have to live with someone who you are third on his list
Please read my comments. I'm
Please read my comments. I'm not just going to live with this anymore. The time has come. I won't be disrespected and, you said it, third on the list anymore. I deserve better. I have given and put so much into this for him AND his children. It's gone unappreciated and ignored. Absolutely done.
THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT OUR
THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT OUR WEEKEND WITH THEM AND WAS NEVER SCHEDULED TO BE.
How is there a "scheduling error" if this is NOT his weekend? I will never understand a man that is willing to p!ss off and sacrifice his relationship with the woman he's currently with over the BM. You have tolerated too much for way too long and at this point I think he believes you are not serious and won't follow through. He's taking your relationship as a joke.
I hope he chooses to enjoy this weekend with YOU and tell the BM that this is NOT his weekend and stand firm. I hope he fights for you and your relationship and if he doesn't well you already know where you stand.
Please keep us updated and hope this weekend goes well for you.
Exactly correct. It is not in
Exactly correct. It is not in any way a scheduling error. What it really is is either BM bully insisting to him that he mixed up the schedule which is not at all true, or it's him trying to gaslight me into believeing that he did so when in reality she's just demaning he take them yet again this weekend for her own reasons and he doesn't want to admit that he's once again just kowtowing to her rather than standing up for himself and his current home and relationship as a man ought to. Either way, it's a pile of shit that I'm not going to eat.
"You have tolerated too much for way too long and at this point I think he believes you are not serious and won't follow through. He's taking your relationship as a joke."
Spot on. He thinks he's going to get me to accept this again, as he's always gotten me to in the past. I'm not. I won't. He's got an awakening coming. I did what I did out of the love that I had for him. I don't feel that love anymore, so there will be no more of my bending to his will.
Oh my God, I read your other
Oh my God, I read your other post and you need to live in your own place. Those kids are awful and your partner is just as bad.
Yep
Yep
Well, he really did choose
Well, he really did choose wrong. The good news is at least he heard what I was saying sufficiently enough to not attempt to trot them into my door. He's spending money unnecessarily to provide accommodations for these ungrateful rugrats, all for the sake of placating BM. He's thrown his home, his relationship with me, and the privilege of living in the same home as his baby girl into the fire, all to avoid standing up to her. If that's not a clear demonstration of his priorities, I don't know what is.
The upside is that nothing in mine or DD's lives will any longer be dictated by BM'S whims and desires, or his pathetic terror of conflict with her. We deserve better.
Does he fully
Does he fully grasp the seriousness of his choice or does he think that he is going to talk you down? How was it left between you?
He will probably try to talk
He will probably try to talk me down, but I am SO far over it. I know this feeling in myself. I can put up with a tremendous amount of shit, but once I reach a certain point.. that's that. I'm just so disgusted by him. What could possibly be more unattractive than a man who allows his ex to run his life? Ugh.
A man who
A man who lets his kid take a crap in the lobby of the Holiday Inn?
Hope you have a peaceful night and find a good attorney on Monday! With all of the chaos that his older kids cause, maybe he will not want to deal with the baby for long visits until she is older and more self-sufficient. It seems to me that it would just be too much to handle all of them at once by himself.
I have had similar thoughts
I have had similar thoughts along those lines. At this point, I will be just fine with him taking her for visits as long as it's just her he has, and I will be just fine with her visiting with her siblings for visits of short duration, with me there, outside of my home.
Well, he is certainly a sorry
Well, he is certainly a sorry and pathetic excuse for a partner. Enjoy your new life without this spineless man and his feral offspring.