First post- end of my rope
Thank you, Steptalk community, for existing. This is my first post here
At the tail-end of a hellish 3-day Labor Day holiday weekend for which we have had my partner's 3 children, SS9, SD7 & SD6 for the duration, I am at the absolute end of my rope.
I am at the end of my rope with:
-the fact that these kids 100% of the time come to our house unwashed, smelling like feet and ass, with unbrushed hair and teeth, usually not wearing socks or underwear, and are forever trading warts between their feet and hands that they all caught from their similarly gross mother and the filthy house they live in, which of course I have to worry that I (am in my early 40s and have never had a wart in my life and don't want to start now) or my DD 1.5 will catch.
-my partner's weak ass parenting and the fact that he gives me shit any time I try to do what i feel strongly is the right thing to do by children, that being providing them with structure, rules, and consequences for poor behavior.
-being worried sick about how these feral childrens' at best annoying and at worst scary and destructive behavior and habits are going to affect my daughter.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am very glad to be here, and to have a safe place to vent. Thank you all.
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Comments
Eventually, their (poor)
Eventually, their (poor) behavior WILL affect your child.
Is having this man in your life worth that? Excuse my bluntness.. but tbh he doesn't sound worth it.
If you decide to leave this lazy parental failure of a "man", be prepared for him to "suddenly agree with you that changes need to be made" and beg for you to return. I recommend NOT returning until he PROVES changes have been made.
Well, to be honest.. I pretty
Well, to be honest.. I pretty much agree with you. I think about how to disentangle my daughter and I from this mess long, and hard, and often. I'm an educated woman with a full time career job, so money is not a big concern, though it certainly would be tighter without him in the home.
Here is what stops me in my tracks: I know that he would persue regular visitation with out daughter. It's not that i have any problem with him seeing our daughter.. it's the idea that he would have regular visitations with her, with THEM there as well, without me there to run interference and keep her at least somewhat safe and protected. He is extremely intelligent and comes across as very articulate, sensitive and caring when he wants to do so.. a GAL would love him. I and the fact that our daughter came to exist are proof of how skilled he is at projecting the image of himself that he wants to.. I knew this guy on a friendship basis for nearly 10 years prior to our becoming romantically involved, and I would have never in a million years dreamed that the reality of who he was underneath is what it is.
Yeah, you won't stop him from
Yeah, you won't stop him from getting visitation, nor should you - he's her father.
You'll have to decide how much of a genuine risk they are to your daughter. It doesn't sound like they'd hurt her. And honestly, almost everyone is exposed to the virus that causes warts at some point in their lives - some just don't get the warts after being exposed. The real issue will be that he will extend his lazy parenting to her on visits.
They are continuously hurting
They are continuously hurting each other. Biting, kicking, hitting. The oldest is also on three different mood-altering medications and exhibits extremely worrisome behavior at times.
And yes, that is exactly what I am weighing with myself. Right now, especially with her being so young, I feel much better about at least being here is keep her as safe and protected as possible. He is her father and they are her siblings, and she will be around them the same amount of time whether he and I are together/if I am present of not. When she gets older/bigger and can hold her own more securely, perhaps.. I kick myself on the daily for not having anticipated this.. I like to pride myself on being perceptive and a good judge of character.. I surely flunked at that here.. the most important of situations.. ugh.
They are continuously hurting
Here's how my parents handled me and my brothers fighting:
When they come whining to you about getting hit, tell them to fight their own battles. Send them off to duke it out in their rooms!
It's pretty savage but it works. Dad can deal with the fall out of his little darlings when he gets home.
Oh yeah.. that's pretty much
Oh yeah.. that's pretty much exactly what I do. I don't deal with them anymore than I absolutely have to anymore.
You do understand
Your DH is the main problem. He should make his kids shower first thing when they get there. But again he was living with this woman, who must of been just as clean then as now.
I agree. He is the root of
I agree. He is the root of the problem. Please see my response above to SteppedOut.
Oh hay, guys! Just caught the
Oh hay, guys! Just caught the 7 y.o. girl and the 6 y.o. boy pooping and peeing in the yard! Did I mention how feral they are? I'm so disgusted.
And your DH just says, "Oooh,
And your DH just says, "Oooh, look how cute they are?"
Here's what he did:
Here's what he did:
-ran outside
-blustered
-blustered some more
-can't let my daughter run around the yard atm because 6 y.o. boy "can't remember" where he took a shit. Of course he can. He's just embarrassed that he got caught.
-came inside, where we agreed that they should help clean up the yard they made a mess in/clean up branches/pull weeds so he can mow the yard.
-now he's doing all the yardwork as they continue playing
-every time one of them tries to come inside I just send them back out. I'm so pissed I don't even want to look at them.
-he's taking them back to their mother when he's done mowing the yard. I can't freaking wait.
-edit: had to go out to request that he deal with them because as he mows the front yard, they are in the back apparently trying to pull the fence over. As I began to plead with him to go deal with it, he said "did you come out if your hole to yell more about my children?" I told him yes, and he had better go handle them now or he would be sorry if I had to. He can 100% go f* himself.
Perhaps you should suggest to
Perhaps you should suggest to him that they go in crates like dogs since they are acting like them.
How did you know they pooped in the yard? I can't even imagine.
Well, I looked out the back
Well, I looked out the back window and saw the girl sitting bare-assed in the grass, pants around her ankles. I yelled at her out the window what in the hell did she think she was doing.. her father ran out there where (apparently in a poor attempt to try to minimize her own behavior) she tattled that the brother had taken a dump out there first. Just adorable. Barf.
I would be completely
I would be completely disgusted by this "man", that he allows his children to behave like this. No way in Hades he'd ever touch me again. Disgusting.
Again, this is pretty much
Again, this is pretty much where I'm at. I'm so turned off. When I think and get sad about this situation, one of the things that really gets to me the most is how I now cringe at the touch of this guy who used to excite me so much. It didn't have to be this way. Pretty sad that being a crappy, lazy parent can be more important to a guy than his relationship.
Is there any chance that he
Is there any chance that he wouldn't want all 4 of his kids at the same time without a stepmom to help? Maybe he'd take your daughter on the alternate weekend? I would find this situation so abhorrent that I'd be looking for any way out.
I doubt it. His head is
I doubt it. His head is buried firmly in the sand, and it has become clear to me that that is how he prefers it.
Welcome
Sorry to read of your plight. Trust me, there is no way you could have done anything different in your choices. He hid from you those traits that you now know are the reason this man is no longer appealing to you. Im sorry you have to be here with us, but glad you found us. Did you google feral step children, or lazy daddy syndrom? lol. If you dont laugh you will cry sometimes.
My eldest SD20, she has always been feral and continues to this day since I met her when she was 15 and change. She would hole up in her room, and we never see her, except during meal times. I nicknamed her Feral Forger. When she graduated, and got a job at a restaurant a few towns over, and she simply ghosted us for a while (blissful time that was!)
After about 8 months of her gone and no contact exept a few shady texts, I decided to plunder her room. It has the best light and I like watching the susnets from there and my plants love it too. Well, we hualed out ALL the furniture, and 5 bags of donation and SIX bags of trash. Her younger sister helped me, SD13 Munchkin. Munchkin found an empty bottle of whiskey, a girl toy and dirty underwear with blood, as well as used pads, among other things. THe room was a Feral childs fantazy, with modly food wrappers, and dishes. We have a rule no eating in bedrooms but she would wake up during the night and sneak.
So I know about Feral children - they dont seem to get better unless you can REALLY work with them. Munchkin wasnt as feral, and she prefers to have a clean room but getting her to shower is hard. I did teach her the proper way to dispose of used feminin products, because after observing her elder sister just toss into the br garbage bin, I was determined that things with her would be different.
Wow. Messing up the yard like that. I have done wildreness camping but much prefera toilet. They are going totally out of control. Your husband (after reading your comments I prefer not to refer to him as DH or dear husband) is really setting those kids up to fail.
Since you feel it best to not opt out for the time being, here are some ideas:
- When they are there, make plans to be gone, as gone as you can afford . Each and every time. If they destroy anything tell your H "honey can you please fix/restore/clean your mess?" He will get MIGHTY tired dealing with those hellions on his own. If he asks for your help, give it, maybe, but on YOUR terms.
- Hes tired of you "always complaining about HIS kids". Well then. Heres what you can do. Make it about them in a more positive way. Like "honey, your kids are tearing down the fence right now, Im afraid that they will hurt themselves, or get a splinter, and I would hate to see them get an infection, poor lovely dears..." or "honey they poop in the yard, maybey you need to spend more 1-on-1 time with them, explaining how the toilet works...what if they want a play date? This kind of thing could really alienate them from their friends who use toilets. Kids are such BULLIEs now! Im afraid they will get hurt!!!
So, the point is - make it about them without accusations. He cant fight that.
Im sorry you and your DD are in this horrible situation. Keep venting if you need to, when you need to! And READ a lot.
Thank you SO MUCH for this
Thank you SO MUCH for this post and your words of encouragement.
I would very, very much like to do the mini vacation/disappearing act with DD on the weekends they're here.. but the idea of what kind of chaos and damage we would return to terrifies me. The thought of them pillaging through my and DD's rooms (where they are normally not allowed to go at all) is like a nightmare. I know that he wouldn't necessarily MEAN to allow them to have a free-for-all.. but I know exactly how it would go, which is how it always goes.. he wouldn't pay attention and disasters would happen.
And theeeeeeen, he would promise to repair or replace anything that had been damaged, but it would never happen. For example, the ceiling in their bedroom, which the 9 y.o. boy for no particular reason hammered a bunch of holes into with a block nearly 2 years ago. At the time, the plan was that partner was going to fix it and kid was going to help as a consequence for causing the damage in the first place. The ceiling is still a mess.
Girl, if you left, even if he
Girl, if you left, even if he got visitation, at least your daughter would have your normal home as an experience growing up. If you don't show her the correct way to live, she will think all this chaos is normal.
Also, you need to teach her what kind of relationships are acceptable. The one you have with your husband (and his kids) is NOT acceptable.
FURTHER, the stress has got to be taking a toll on you at this point. The emotional AND physical effects of long term stress are devastating. It will also be stressful for your daughter.
Please reconsider staying in this situation. (Unless of course the skids try to physically harm your daughter. If that is the case, document as much as possible before leaving to assist in custody battle.)
You are so, so correct. The
You are so, so correct. The stress is most definitely taking a toll. I'm constantly exhausted, have this great muscle spasm I get in my eyelid, and for the first time in my life, an "as-needed" klonopin prescription.
And you're also spot on about the importance of my daughter not growing up to think that this is what relationships should be, or how partners should treat one another. This thought is always on my mind, and I have verbalized it many times to partner. Of course, he doesn't much seem to care. When I say these words to him, his response is invariably something like "well then why do you.." Pointless.
You have tried to make the
You have tried to make the relationship work and help your husband see and correct the many issues. He has chosen to disregard you. He and his children will never change. The only thing, at thid point, that you can do is save yourself and your child.
My formerSO "sold" me a line of crap too. Once I moved, within months I was ready to leave. He was not at all who he potrayed himself to be nor was his son - OMFG HIS SON. Then I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant (I had a tubal ligation, so super unexpected). I decided to try and make it work... try and correct the issues. Hell, not only did they not get better...but steadily worse. I deeply regret not leaving as planned. It was more difficult and I wasted that time (not quite 2 years..but too much none the less!).
Don't keep keep dragging it out. It will be more difficult the longer you stay.