Feeling hopeless and disheartened
Sooo, this will sound fairly tame compared to some of the situations I’ve read about. I’m hoping and praying that someone out there has a similar situation.
I am a senior step mom to a SS and SD both of whom are married with children. I have 3 married sons with families. My sons, their wives and grands love and respect my H. He’s a great guy. My SD and SS are cordial, sometimes friendly and always respectful. However, my SD has used me as a convenient nanny since we have been married. It didn’t take long for her to realize I was going to be as supportive and kind as I could to help blend our families and let her know that I wanted to build a relationship. The problem was, and is, she has no desire to have a sincere relationship. She’s selfish and self centered. She puts on a fabulous show of being a leader at our church and posts wonderful family ( minus me of course) pictures and messages on FB but unfortunately I’ve seen another side. So has her dad but he is extremely reluctant to address the hurtfulness. I’ve been as blunt and have explained my feelings to him many times. He shakes his head and says. I don’t know why... why she does and says what she does and also why I feel the way I do. Because- as he so tactfully puts it.. you aren’t her mother. Oh! Right... I’m just your wife and the one the kids call Grama , the one that drives 30 minutes back n forth to babysit The one who feeds, launders clothes, cooks for and plays with her children.
I want very much to go this disengage thing but how do I disengage from her and not the kids? How do I tell my husband I don’t want to babysit alone for her ever again without hurting him?
Haven’t even touched on the daughter in law meaness.
Is this important enough to warrant any comment? Thank you.
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How do I tell my husband I
How do I tell my husband I don’t want to babysit alone for her ever again without hurting him?
Your H sees what’s going on but chooses to bury his head in the sand so he doesn’t have to address his daughter. He’s reluctant because he doesn’t want confrontation which unfortunately needs to happen in order to create boundaries. Your H is not enforcing that you are to be respected as his wife and is allowing his daughter to take advantage of you….actually you are allowing her to “conveniently use you as a nanny”. She can’t do anything you don’t allow.
So instead of worrying about your H’s feelings, how about considering your feelings in all this? Are they not important? Why doesn’t he care how you are impacted by all this? The answer to this is simple….. Stop watching the kids, you are not available, disengage. SD doesn’t get to use you when it benefits her. You have to show her how to respect you and if that means setting boundaries and shutting her down….so be it.
Thank you so much
I can’t belive I’ve gotten responses so soon!
You are so right, allowing her is the real issue. I’m a sap. I didn’t mean to mislead anyone by saying Nanny as in daily or constantly. Not nearly as frequent. Thank you for your honesty my sister tells me very similar things...
time to take it more to heart.
Y
Honey, what do YOU want to
Honey, what do YOU want to do. Leave the SD issues out of it for a moment. Do you love these kids and do you enjoy watching them? Yeah.. I fully understand they are not your bio grandkids.. but if you love them and enjoy spending time.. then I might be inclined to still watch them.. but only when it truly is convenient to your schedule.
If it's more of a chore and you don't enjoy it at all.. you are well within your rights to stop putting up with this nonsense.
If your DH wants his grandkids watched.. he can do it himself too.
I want my husband to get it.
Thank you for asking the question! You sound like a thoughtful caring woman.
They aren’t the chore. My past seems to dictate much of how I respond to hurtful behavior that goes unaccounted for. I get sucked into believing we are getting closer only to be dismissed and reminded I’m not real family..
I get sucked into believing
I get sucked into believing we are getting closer only to be dismissed and reminded I’m not real family..
I'm wondering if the skids put on an act so that you will feel you are getting closer when their goal is solely to get you to do what they want. From what you've written, they sound... somewhat indifferent to you.
If you want to grandskid-sit, that is your choice. As is NOT wanting to grandskid-sit. You hold the power. Do not ever expect them to "get it" or treat you like family. I think you babysitting is what they want. Period.
Lack of appreciation
And genuine caringness would definitely drive me away, on the most direct route to I-dont-do-for-you-anymore-ville
For sure, you are being taken advantage of and not appreciated. That would sour pretty much any and all good feelings about doing this baby-sitting nanny gig.
I would go the direct route, while my husband is more of a tip-toe-around it sort, but perhaps tiptoeing is what you need. Because if she is as narcissistic as she sounds in your post, she WILL retaliate against any direct actions. She will play victim and you will be the bad guy. So for image managements sake, perhaps the indirect "Ive got plans that day, sorry SD cant make it, but your FATHER might - try him?" method will drive the point home that YOU are to be VALUED.
Thats what this is all about, isnt it? Your DH doesnt value you as his partner. Your SD doesnt vallue you as her fathers partner. You are being treated as an appliance that is useful for a task, then put out of everyones mind when no longer needed.
AS to HOW to disengage without hurting the relationship to the point that you lose your grands, well more info is needed. Is there a way that you can make plans, and do it when its convenient, is there a way your DH will help you so you arent doing it alone?
Is there a way that you can do more for the people who actually value you and dont use you as their appliance????
Yes indeed, direct
If only direct was an option in this family culture. Everyone tiptoes... I’ve dreamt f having a heart to heart with her but you are also correct, it would only make me the bad guy.
My husband retired a couple of years ago so the babysitting as been easier together.
Shes just also so subtle in the ways to send me the message I’m not really a person she wants to be with. No personal text messages- ever. Always a text with Dad included. She won’t speak unless I do. She absolutely doesn’t care a fig about what’s going on with my side of family. She knows only what she sees on FB. NEVER asks how I am.
I am having surgery soon( minor) and when Dad told her all she said was- thanks good to know”. As in for planning purposes. Never even asked why. You see?
May family and I have been through much pain in the past and we are close as in honest respectful and loving. It’s so difficult for me to make myself not be kind or helpful. Ugh...
I understand
it goes against your core values, who you are in the most basic way. But I feel from reading your posts and responses that you need to value yourself more.
Good luck on surgery - if you feel like sharing please do - we care about that stuff here too.
Yes, Narcissists are like that
They dont really care about other folks. Dont take it personally (I know its hard!), but thats just the way she is.
My eldest SD20, shes a classic Narc. Plus hes mentally unstable, but thats a whole 'nuther conversation. Shes been really mean to me and DH as well as her sister, who doesnt really like her all that much. She will tell all types of lies, made numerous unfounded accusations, stole checks, and cashed them - all just horrible stuff. But at the core, I really just dont like her as a person. Shes just not a good person.
Well, you can certainly play
Well, you can certainly play up the surgery as a good excuse to not be on call for a bit..lol. (I do hope it's truly minor and you do ok though).
Otherwise, I guess it might help to just skew your POV a little bit. Instead of focusing on the SD with her self absorbed expectation that you will be there for her to "use".. see it as doing something caring for the kids.. as long as the kids are "in good graces" so to speak. If their mother's attitude rubs off on them? I would just stop being that doormat.
I definitely understand doing things in a kind and cooperative way.. but apparently this woman is incapable of doing this... if you simply accept that this is the way she is.. and stop hoping for some change on her part.. I think you just need to manage those expectations. Maybe start making your own social plans too.. so you aren't so "available" for her use?
Kindness and validation.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful words. I appreciate them and will ponder each reply.
I wish I could answer all individually this evening but off to a meeting.
Surgery is minor for foot (toes) but it will keep me off my feet for quite a while. Should I get a bell for hubby or put SD on speed dial for coffee run lol!
Hope you all have a lovely evening. You made my afternoon!