Should I go
I know this isn’t step kid related but i don’t have many friends and I don’t know what to do. Me and my husband have been butting heads for awhile but I think I’m finally coming to terms that it isn’t working. He works a lot. I stay home with the kids. He works Monday-Saturday 8-630. I don’t work because I don’t have a career and if I did my whole paycheck would go straight to paying for daycare. I don’t know if I’m just being sensitive or this really isn’t working. Or maybe he just works too much I really don’t know. He use to buy me flowers every now and then send me sweet messages. Hold me hand. Kiss me. Now it’s rare he does any of that. He held my hand for the first time the other day and I was caught off guard. He doesn’t show affection much anymore and doesn’t do the little things for me that use to make me happy. When I tell him why I’m sad I tell him I feel like we aren’t connecting anymore and we don’t have enough time together. He thinks two hours every evening is enough with me but fails to realize in that two hours we really aren’t spending time together. I’m getting the kids fed and ready for bed. He’s checking work emails or on his phone watching YouTube videos. Real romantic. He then tells me I’m acting like a victim because I want to spend more time with him. I’m not happy but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top dramatic or of something really is wrong. What do you all think?
Either he has a side piece
Either he has a side piece (he REALLY works 53 hours a week, every week?) or he is dog tired because of how much he is working. That's a crazy schedule to maintain week in and week out, and I know I wouldn't be thinking about romance when I'm spending only 1 full day and maybe 20 hours awake at home all week.
How old are the kids? Could you find a job at a day care that would allow you to bring your kids and work? If all the kids are in school, could you work part-time while they are there? Or pick up a couple of second or third shifts during the week so your DH can work less hours? Or cut down on your expenses so that he can at least get a weekend off?
Also, what are you doing to be romantic to him? Have you drawn him a bath, scheduled a babysitter so you can go out on a date, taken him lunch while he's at work, initiated physical contact?
I'm not saying this situation is your fault, but your schedule is more flexible than his to facilitate romance and get the ball rolling. When you hit aa dry spell, someone has to take the initiative to schedule out romance. He doesn't have much time to do that. If you want it, show him what you want. If he doesn't reciprocate or he pushes you away, then that's a different issue entirely.
53 hours really isn't all
53 hours really isn't all that unusual.. I am generally at my work for 10 hours a day.. work in a professional "salary" position.. 9 hours plus hour lunch. Often I put in a bit more time.. Commute is probably 20-30 minutes including my walk from my car to the office each way.. so easilly 11-12 hours a day.. and that doesn't include if I run to the bank..starbucks.. get gas etc.. that can add a bit more time.
The bottom line is that he likely is working a fairly demanding professional job (probably not paid hourly).. that he is expected to be there for more than the standard 40 hours.. and he does this because he is fully supporting his home and also likely pays CS to his EX. OP doesn't work.. because her earnings would be outweighed.. (or at least be greatly diminished) by daycare.
Unfortunately, OP would likely need to go to work or figure out how to do that if they separate because I'm not sure it's as common that she will be awarded enough spousal and CS to fully cover her needs.
So.. the guy is probably stresssed because he works a job with a lot of demands.. then he gets pressure at home to spend more time with her.. but he is doing this extra demanding job because she isn't able to contribute to the finances of the home.
It sounds like they need to try to get on a better page where each understands the other's pressures and needs. Maybe counseling? Maybe establish a date night.. hire a sitter etc?
I can't math, because that
I can't math, because that should be 63 hours, not 53.
I can't math either..lol. I
I can't math either..lol. I just went off the 53
.
But, even then.. there are lots of people that work those kind of hours. I applied for a job once and my interview was at 5:30PM on a Friday. So.. to break the ice I said.. "sorry to keep you late on a Friday.. thanks for making time to meet".. The guy was like.. well, we don't budget these jobs as 40 hour a week jobs. We work every saturday and several Sundays a month. Is that going to be a problem for you? I, of course, was a bit shocked.. this was a 2nd interview and my interview with my manager had gone GREAT and she mentioned nothing about soul sucking OT like he talked about. But I smiled and said.. "No, I'm not worried about hard work".. and got through the interview. Of course, I got on the phone with my recruiter and immediately told him this job was NOT for me.. and the hours and other things the guy had said that were pretty rude. I got a call back and the manager I had first met with was begging me to give it a chance.. that it wasn't "that bad".. I was like NOPE.. I know the manager was a nice woman but crap rolls down hill and that guy's crap would have made the job hell.
So.. maybe this guy works in business development or for some of thoese places with these demands on their workers?
It sounds like your marriage
It sounds like your marriage is in a slump. It happens- to EVERY marriage. It isn't going to be like the beginning forever.
I seriously think you should look at continuing your education. You say you don't work because your pay would just go to daycare. So go back to school so that you can earn more. Daycare goes down as your kids get older. Start preparing now for your future career and become a higher earner. It will be hard but you can do it.
Just because your DH isn't romantic anymore doesn't mean you get divorced, you make changes to make it better.
Agreed. We all get into that
Agreed. We all get into that rut. You guys can do things to change that - schedule time together, date nights, find hobbies you can both enjoy. I don't know what kind of work your husband does, but can he cut back on hours? I understand that might be difficult considering you are a one income family, but personal time is important too. If not, make sure to make the most of his PTO time!! Try planning something and hopefully he will be receptive to it!
I agree with finding a way to
I agree with finding a way to earn a higher income. If you were to separate, you are going to have to be able to support yourself. Alimony and CS won't pay all your bills. It sounds like you are just going through a rough patch in your marriage though - it doesn't sound like you have any MAJOR issues going on, other than your DH being overworked. As far as working just to pay for daycare, I know it doesn't sound appealing but that is still less that your DH has to pay for, therefore less hours he needs to work (assuming he has a choice in how many hours he works, which he very well might not).