You should stop tolerating a man telling you to shut up, for starters. No one deserves to be spoken to that way, especially by her husband who,is supposed to love her. Is he usually this big of an a-hole or just over his son? If he's an a-hole to you all the time, you need to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. You and your kids deserve better. Maybe counseling or anger managemnet would help, but he's being a douche and that needs to stop.

the next time your SS lays his hands on someone, tell him to stop or you will call the police on him for assault.

other than that the only advice I can give you is to stop trying to parent his kid and stop letting him parent yours. He obviously sucks as a dad so you shouldn't want him to parent your kids anyway. You'll have to let go of your image of the perfect family where his kids are yours and vice versa, because you're not going to have that. And if your kids ever question why they got in trouble for something and SS didn't, the answer will have to simply be, "I'm not his parent, but I am your parent, and I make the rules for you." Let your H do what he sees fit for his son. Just make sure your money never goes to bail him out of jail or pay for his car accidents or DUIs, and don't let him live with you past high school doing nothing but partying and playing video games. At least set some boundaries you can live with, then step away. Let your idiot H deal with the sh-t show he's on his way to creating and just worry about your own kids and making sure they don't turn out like that.

SS may not be your child but you live with him therefore his wrongs affect you and your children. Imagine your children seeing SS getting away with bad behaviour, what does that teach them? SS will be a bad influence to your children, therefore you have a right to be involved. What kind of a father doesn't want to teach his child that there are consequences for bad behaviour? Practise begins at home! He has to prepare this child for the real world because they will not let him off with a pep talk, if he breaks the law he will be fined or jailed, be it at school misbehave and you are expelled, break the rules at work and you are fired! It should be the same at home, kids need to be given rules and regulations to govern them at home, they need  to have limits and boundaries and get used to that. It is your home, you run it and you manage it therefore you have the rights to set rules in the house that apply for every child living in it. "No coming home drunk!!!" If you are cooking or labouring for SS in any way then you have the right to get involved!

Talk to your husband about the effects of him not disciplining his child how it will affects you and how it will have an impact on your children, if he doesnt seem to understand that then tell him your second option is to leave!! For the sake of your kids and your sanity. Your husband has no right to tell you to shut up, he needs to respect you, if he doesnt respect you how will SS respect you?

is sounding great so far...

"I told him when we got married my kids are his and his are mine and I treat them all equally".  This is a common misconception, but no - they don't become your kids, they are still his kids, and still has the right to parents he sees fit (as do you with your kids). The problem is, you have very different parenting styles. He doesn't have to change himself to make you happy, you have to decide if you can live in this situation or not.

Not to say I don't agree he's a poor parent, but demanding that other people change to suit us never works.

I can't get past the guy telling you to "shut up".  That right there would be a deal-breaker for me!  DH is giving his son a live example of how to treat you and your children.  If DH does not see his own behavior as "wrong" and dysfunctional, he will never recognize and/or punish that behavior in his son.  

Amazing husbands don't tell their wives to shut up.  Amazing husbands NEVERZ treat their wives bad. This man is not an amazing husband.

Trying to force someone to buy into the your kids are my kids line of thinking never works.

Is your 3 yr old a joint child? 

Divorce would scare me if she is. That would mean she is left without your protection at the house with SS14. 

I don't have advice other than I would leave with my kids when SS is there. I also don't tolerate being told to shut up about anything from anyone, but especially not my husband. 

Disengaging is about the only thing you can do. Create as much physical and emotional separation as possible between you and your SS. It is the only safe way to do things. Also, if they aren't already, separate your finances from your husband. If SS does something stupid, parents are liable. Thankfully as a stepmom you don't have legal rights to him and aren't responsible. Keep your money and property safe and in your name solely. Murphy is right, if he is downing vodka and choking out family at 14... 16,17,18 are going to be AWESOME years. 

I will say that when I was 14 my mom told me that she wasn't going to "punish" me any more because the punishment of "real life" would be way more harsh than any punishment she gave to me.  She said she already had survived to adulthood without a criminal record, teen pregnancy, drug addiction and had a college degree... that I was at an age where my choices would limit my future.

Did she really NEVER give me a consequence.. not really.. but it was a lot of talks when I disappointed her.

And.. drinking a whole bottle of vodka?  that kid got a consequence..lol.

Amazing? It's amazing that your husband is such a jackass and you fail to see it.

What will his response be when SS14 grabs YOU by the throat and slams YOU into the wall?? Or your Dipshidiot Husband? Will DumDum just rasp out "that's it" from his bruised vocal cords and go to bed? 

You have an obligation to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. Don't walk: RUN!!! To the most vicious divorce attorney.

It's really none of your business how he disciplines his kid unless he's hurting someone.  If skid puts his hands on someone, call the police.

I was in a relationship once with an idiot who tried to tell me how to parent my kids.  He kept asking my son when he was gonna stop being lazy and get a job.  My son was 10.  I told him ten year olds don't get jobs.  He said he bagged groceries at that age.  I told him it's not 1950 anymore.  The dumbass harped again and again about this stupid crap, like he didn't hear me.  Meanwhile, I was paying all the bills.  So I booted his dumb arse.  He was mystified.

I'm stuck on the "He bullied my 7 yr nephew by grabbing him by the throat and slaming him into a wall" and your H did absolutely NOTHING. You tried to talk to him about it, tells you to shut up and goes to bed....Yeah he's really H and father of the year.

How didn't you put your foot in his @ss for treating YOUR nephew this way? Where are his balls that he would over look such violence and not even address it??? He's not a good H and hopefully one day you'll realize that it's not only his lack of parenting that sucks.