Am I being unreasonable/insensitive?
This is something my H and I have been struggling with for three years now, since we married.
I come from a large family – four siblings, one nephew (14), five nieces (12, 10, 8, 7 and 5). H is an only child and has an only child – SS8. Since SS was nearly 6 when we married, he wasn't around my family for his earliest years. Also, he's the only boy in his age range. That means he's not really included in some stuff, like girls-only birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. He hasn't bonded with my sisters or their families, but has fun when everyone's together – rare occasions.
My parents and grandmother have been great. He gets the same amount spent on him for birthdays and Christmas and they come to some of his baseball games (they live in another town). My sisters haven't come to those. They're pretty busy and we don't go to all their kids' stuff either.
Anyway, long before H and I met, I had a tradition where I'd take my sisters' kids out for a birthday treat, one-on-one. H was angry because my sisters didn't do the same for SS8. I get where he's coming from, but I also think the situations are different. I have a close relationship with these kids. My sisters barely know SS at all. H has cooled off about that. While it still annoys him, when he has a chance to process, he says that the situations are different and SS has a lot of family on H's side to pay attention to him and do stuff with/for him (he's an only grandchild for two sets of grandparents). Whatever my sisters do or don't do doesn't have to impact my relationship with their kids – and kids shouldn't be made to suffer for their parents' actions anyway.
This is all coming up again because my oldest niece is getting into performing. Musical theater stuff. This has always been a big love/passion of mine and it excites me that she has a real talent and love for it. I have no bio kids and won't have any, so having that connection with her is extra-special to me.
Problem is, when I mention wanting to go to one of her shows, he gets annoyed. Brings up that he thinks it's unfair that we support my sister's daughter when she doesn't support his son. Again, I get it. But, at the same time, we're talking local professional theater performances. And maybe two a year. SS doesn't perform (just one of the crowd in a school music presentation). He plays baseball, yes, but that's about it. We don't go to the other kids' regular sporting events or minor things and I see no problem with them not coming to his if they're not interested. I just see this as a different thing and something that's important to me. Am I being unreasonable? I want to be sensitive and supportive but I also don't want to slight my niece for something that has nothing to do with her.
Seriously! He's butt hurt
Seriously! He's butt hurt because you want to go see your niece perform in a play with a major part! That just sounds like pure jealousy to me. Him not having any siblings makes it difficult for him to relate to the fact that a lot of families do things for each other and don't keep a scorecard. He needs to figure out how to deal with his jealousy and insecurity before he starts criticizing you for being a part of a family.
Oh, definitely. He doesn't
Oh, definitely. He doesn't "get" the sibling thing. He has a couple of siblings now (long story -- he was adopted as an infant and recently found his bio family, with whom he's building what promises to be a strong, good relationship) so he's getting a glimmer of understanding. But in some ways, we speak different languages.
No you’re not being
No you’re not being insensitive and what your H has to understand is that at the end of the day your sisters are not obligated to do anything for his son. They don’t have a close relationship with him so why have those expectations? I know you’re trying to be supportive but he also has to understand the situation and dynamics for what they are. SS has family on both his parents’ side, so he needs to partake on that. Your niece(s) shouldn’t have to be slighted because a grown ass man is jealous of the attention she gets and his son doesn’t. Be there for your niece(s) and never switch up. Don’t change who you are because your H has emotions he needs to work and process.
That's what I thought. I just
That's what I thought. I just wanted to run it by some impartial third parties. This is a sensitive area for him (he's SUPER sensitive about feeling left out and I think he projects that onto his son). But my relationships with those kids predate my relationships with H and SS. I can love and support everyone. It doesn't have to be either-or. As I said, he comes around. But his initial reaction is almost always annoyance.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable or insensitive. It's your prerogative to support your niece in whatever she does, and to do things with and for your nieces and nephew. These things aren't quid pro quo - you can choose to be involved in the lives of your nieces and nephew as you see fit whether or not your sisters are involved with your SS. The bottom line is that SS is not related to your sisters, and he has parents who presumably have families that could support him.
Tell your husband that you can't control what your sisters do, you can only control what you do. And you are not going to alter your relationship with your nieces/nephew based on what your sisters do or don't do with his child. They're unrelated. No tit for tat.
Yes, that's been my stand. I
Yes, that's been my stand. I refuse to punish kids (or myself) for what their mothers do or don't do. I have no control over them.
And he absolutely has family to support him. My husband's adopted mother and biological parents and siblings don't live nearby, but he gets plenty of support and attention when we see them. And his mother's brother and parents show up for almost everything.
My brother and nieces
Flew in to see DS in a play. But it was his first play and he was one of the leads.
They did not fly in to see OSS or YSS in anything but there hasn't been a big deal thing like that. DHs parents have come to town once or twice for a bigger deal thing for the skids but no one from DHs side of the family came to town for DSs play.
And, this is something you love, too, of course you are excited that someone else in the family is into it! Would your DH have the same issues if you were seeing a neighbor's daughter, a co-worker, or a friend of yours in the play?
This has nothing to do with playing favorites. It has to do with shared interests.
If your SS was into a sport and so was one of DHs relatives and they bonded, I'm guessing you wouldn't expect that same relative to spend equal time with your bios doing something.
That's true. The shared
That's true. The shared interest plays a big part. My nephew is very big into tennis. I hate tennis. It's like watching paint dry for me. So, I don't generally go to his matches and tournaments. I'll send a congrats when he does well, but that's it.
SS is into baseball. So are my parents. They show an interest in that. If he played something else like soccer, it probably wouldn't generate as much interest.
Did I miss it?
Not unreasonable for you to to go without him, unless more than once or twice a month. And not unreasonable for him to do some stuff on his own too
I think the problem with your
I think the problem with your H is he’s being a little selfish, he thinks these things need to be reciprocated. When I do something for someone, I do it because I want to, not because I expect them to treat me the same way.
That's a place where we have
That's a place where we have a communication gap. He's very much a tit-for-tat type (good and bad). I just believe in doing the right thing, regardless of others' behavior. Things won't always be exactly even. The best we can hope for is that, over time, things will be comparable.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable. He is, if he thinks he can tell you that you cannot support your own niece, who you are close to and share this interest with.
This issue keeps cropping up
This issue keeps cropping up lately! Your family is kind to SS and that's all DH can expect. Just like you don't love SS as your own son (most likely), your family is not going to just fold him in as another nephew/grandson and treat him just the same.
Especially not if he has behavioral issues that make him hard to be around, but it doesn't sound like he does.
Well, actually, he can have
Well, actually, he can have some issues. Not bad. But he's a lively 8-year-old boy. I've been a little girl. And little boys were the most obnoxious things on the planet.
A couple of years ago, on a family vacation, there was an issue. The girls were all in their room watching a movie. SS wouldn't leave them alone or just sit and watch the movie. My nephew, who was nearby and heard what was going on, went to get his mom (the nearest adult). She told SS he needed to go find his father. Well, SS tends to cry at any criticism and gets VERY upset when he's corrected. H found SS crying in his room over what had happened. H was livid. I ended up having to step in and try to placate both sides -- didn't do the best job, but I was confused myself. I thought my sister had done the right thing (only mistake was in not coming to tell us what had just happened so we could handle it instead of learning what happened from a crying 6-year-old). But I also understood why H was upset, since he was very stressed-out by the noisy gathering and felt like his kid was being singled out -- which he was, but because he was the only one misbehaving. H has hated that sister ever since, even though, when he cooled off, he agreed that SS was probably at fault.
Thing is, H knows SS can be very obnoxious and difficult to take. He complains about it frequently. But when anyone else is involved, he goes immediately into protective mode.
I think it’s a question of
I think it’s a question of how much you go out without him. Another user said once or twice a month would be reasonable, and I think that’s reasonable too. But if you are going out without him numerous times per week without him, to go and see your family, then you may want to reconsider priorities. I’m not saying you are, I’m saying just in case. Entirely different but when my aunty got married, her husband used to go to his mothers first for dinner after work, then go home to his wife. This nearly ended in divorce because proper boundaries hadn’t been drawn. They are still together after thirty odd years though... smaller families sometimes can’t understand larger families living in pockets. Maybe you don’t, maybe you do.
- but yes as a general principle there is nothing wrong with you supporting your niece.
Oh, absolutely. My family
Oh, absolutely. My family hasn't gotten together (when I've been able to be there) but once this year. And the plays don't come up very often. Two this summer, but that will dry up when school starts. I prioritize our time together over time with my family. But even if it's rare, it hits his sensitive spot.
I see this a bit differently.
I see this a bit differently. I am also Childfree, and over the years have developed bonds with the kids of friends, coworkers, etc. I'm an honorary aunt and part of these kids' villiges. I enjoy these relationships, find them both rewarding and fulfilling, and my DH has never objected to any of them.
You were an adult with a full life before meeting your DuH, and I think it's both selfish and shortsighted of him to assume you'd let any preexisting relationships go due to his lack of social skills. Sure, his kid may be his universe, but he's not the universe.
Blending takes time, years even. Have efforts been made to integrate your H and SS with the rest of the family? Does your H make an effort to get on better footing with your family? You can act as facilitator, but your H has some ownership, too.
Don't make yourself smaller to make him comfortable.
That's where it gets tricky.
That's where it gets tricky. My parents and grandmother have been great. My sisters are kind to SS and give him Christmas gifts, etc. But there hasn't been full integration. Some of that is the fact that the sisters with kids are, honestly, a little clique-y. Have been for years. It doesn't bother me really but H notices. H is a shy introvert. My family tend to be shy and reserved. They just haven't connected. Some of that's probably my fault for not being a better facilitator, but they haven't been as welcoming as they could be to H and he hasn't been as friendly as he could be either. Fault all around, really.
One thing that annoyed H is that he feels like they don't care about SS or what he does. I started sharing when SS has an accomplishment (we do group texts for that sort of stuff) and have gotten the usual "Way to go" or whatever. Thing is, SS just doesn't have much worthy of report. When he does, I share. But if he's not doing a lot of note, that's not my fault -- and not theirs either.
You could try speaking
You could try speaking individually to your sisters and appealing to their maternal side in an attempt to foster more inclusiveness. Or, arrange smaller get togethers for meals that might create opportunities for individual interaction and relationship building. Still, you can only do so much with what you have, and your H's introversion is a roadblock that he needs to better manage for his son's sake. He needs to make an effort now, so that his son will have support and be able to function comfortably within a family structure later.
And you're right, it is tricky. I mean, how much of this should be up to you, how much is your DH's responsibility, where do you draw the line, etc. I am also married to a man with limited social skills (from a family filled with anxiety, personality disorders, social retardation, etc) and struggled for many years to bring people together. However, I think it's a red flag that your H is trying to limit your familial interactions. It smacks of selfishness and a tit for tat insecurity that does nothing to address or improve the core issue.
A good parent should strive to put their own issues aside for the betterment of the child. Ideally, you and your H should work this problem together, but he needs to parent up and try harder rather than require you to live a lesser life to accommodate his issues.
How does your SS feel about
How does your SS feel about this? Does HE feel slighted?
He's never said a word about
He's never said a word about it, to my knowledge. As I said, he barely knows my sisters. He enjoys seeing the other kids when we're all together. My parents, grandmother and one sister have come to some of his games and he seems happy to have them there. (His maternal grandparents and uncle come to just about every one.) He's never mentioned anyone else coming or asked about it.
So, in other words, your DH
So, in other words, your DH (through his own insecurities) is trying to make something out of nothing with all this bean-counting.
Pretty much. He has a lot of
Pretty much. He has a lot of insecurities. He's very sensitive to feeling left-out.
A lot of issues stem from his upbringing -- He was adopted as an infant and never clicked with his adoptive family. I think he's spent his life wanting to feel fully a part of something. Yet his own insecurities, which cause him to react strongly to any (perceived) slight make that difficult.
And he's EXTREMELY sensitive
And he's EXTREMELY sensitive about SS. SS is extremely spoiled and entitled. He can also be very obnoxious and demanding. He's not an easy kid. DH knows this and is very openly frustrated about it. We do what we can to address it when SS is with us and DH is actually quite good about discipline.
All that goes out the window when other people are involved. This summer, we went to the beach with DH's bio family for the first time. I was there the first half of the week. Late in the week, I get a call from DH. He's pissed off because when he and his dad went to pick up dinner, his sister made SS take a shower. I thought it was kind of odd that she would do that but let him rant about it. Anyway, the next day, he's calmed down and turns out he'd completely misunderstood the situation (as SS himself told him later -- "No, Dad, that's not what happened"). So, all was well. But DH could have completely derailed his budding relationship with his sister and parents because he nearly flew off the handle over a situation he read wrong.
Stuff like that scares me. The more we're around other people, the more chances things like that will happen. If he's around the kids in my family and there's any kind of squabble or misunderstanding (as frequently happens when you get a bunch of kids together), it could go nuclear.
Made SS take a shower- creepy
Sorry... but with a young boy, personal hygiene should be dads purview. The two adult men left, and left the boy in the care of adult woman. She chose to spend that time with the kid by having him shower? I’d be rethinking that one.
I’m new here and have an obnoxious SS11.. who’s mother was bathing him till last year- serious boundary violations are so cringeworthy.
Oh, I know. That's why I
Oh, I know. That's why I thought it was weird. And, as I said, it turns out DH had it wrong. That's not what happened.
Creepy
Ok well, that’s a relief.
I have similar conversations w my H. And I have stopped discussing what he needs to do and begun doing what I need to do. SS is disrespectful bc his parents model that behavior toward each other. Until things improve I plan my weekend away from home and the one night a week he’s with us- I’m out. It’s very disruptive to our marriage but that’s just how it has to be- for now. Good luck yo you- really my heart goes out to you. I have adult children- not his- so I know what crap I won’t take from an 11 year old. Manners and respectful behavior are just social skills at home and totally mandatory for kids. If my SS behaved the way he does as an adult!? Omg! He would likely be incarcerated, unemployed or otherwise in the welfare system. I get scared for the kid at times but... big but.. he’s not my problem now or ever. 7 more years and he will be an adult
This is where things get even
This is where things get even more complicated:
Last year, my DH showed some real emotion-control problems. There were a lot of stressful things that happened very close together and he didn't handle it well. Short story, he became verbally and emotionally abusive to me. At first I thought it was all my fault. Then, thanks to a support group I stumbled across online, I started to see that he had real problems. I started seeing a counselor, which helped tremendously. She encouraged me to have someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't tell me what to do or pass judgment and would just listen and support me. I went to my parents, who are very wise, supportive people who have always made a point of NOT telling us what to do. They encouraged me to tell my sisters, since they knew something was going on, so I did. Looking back, I wish I hadn't. But, at the time, I was scared, lonely, hurting, confused, you name it. I was desperate for support.
Once my DH realized what was going on and how bad things had gotten, he was horrified and started therapy. Things improved a lot since then. My parents have, as I said, been understanding and nonjudgmental. My sisters, though, made it clear when I said I was going to work on our marriage that while they love and support me, they didn't support my decision and they wanted nothing to do with DH. Our therapists said that was normal and advised giving them time to cool off and see proof that he was really changing.
I didn't let my sisters know SS's baseball schedule this spring because it was all still too raw and I knew they wouldn't feel comfortable going and being around DH. I do plan to send it for the fall, easing back into things.
But if they don't show up for any, a big reason for that will be they don't want to see DH, knowing how he treated me last year.
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being sensitive. I do think you have a challenging situation though.
The bottom line is that you can't control what your relatives do.. none of them. You are aware that you may have somewhat poisoned the well by sharing private things about your DH with family. There are risks to that.. and if you do stay with your DH, you need to make real efforts to "fix" this with your sisters if possible.
But back to what your DH sees as an inequity. Again, you can't force your relatives to afford your SS the same thing you are doing for your nieces and nephew. What you CAN do is do the same for SS. YOU can take him out for a special one on one treat. That is giving him the SAME treatment you give your nieces etc.
Now, you do have a lot of them that you are doing this with.. maybe he is bothered by the frequency.. the money you are spending outside your home on them.. and maybe he doesn't care for theater and doesn't want to share you for even more nights out? But, if this makes you happy, you can afford it and you aren't neglecting your marriage.. you shouldn't have to change what you are doing with your sister's kids. The only think to equalize it is if YOU take SS out on your own.. then you are giving ALL the kids a treat.
You realize it’s a DH personal problem.
All this stuff about your sister and SS is in DH head. And he will never be happy whay happens until you think like him. Sitting and think everyone is picking on him and SS,
your Sister really has no family relationship with SS, except it’s a kid you DH had before you. He not blood part of the family.. She does not have to take him out for his birthday. Out of respect she gets him a gift., Brcause you are with your DH, you can’t expect your sisters kids to except him. Your family kid know each other from birth, they grew up together, SS is dump on them.
Your DH has to get to see someone professional, to get his head rescrew on straight. SS may never truly be part of your family. Expectably if he not nice as you describe, and causes problems every time he’s is over. Other people are not going to play DH games. As you do.
Partners come and go. 50% of marriage fail. That why family always comes first. Go see the plays enjoy yourself. Either DH supports you, or not. He doesn’t see you are supporting him and his kid.
Ohhhhhhhh. I see. There's so
Ohhhhhhhh. I see. There's so much more going on here than just some family skipping SS's events.
It's great there's therapy for all -- that will help, especially for your husband. I hope it helps him with this situation. In the meantime...
Your best chance is to make your husband see this differently because he's being unreasonable.
Your sisters are operating under the relationship dynamic you've developed over the years with them since you were born. Until now, that never included your kids or your stepkids because you didn't have kids or skids. So first of all, maybe try to get your husband to see this is not a slight of his child, but just the dynamic among you and your sisters that developed because you didn't have your own kids until now. So ask him what that has to do with him? I mean, honestly, it's not all about him and his kid, right? Ask him if it's OK for you to maintain relationships with your nieces and nephews in spite of your sisters' behavior. How, HOW could he say "no" to that???
Secondly...this isn't about your sisters. This is strictly about your relationships with nieces and nephews -- and this was something you've been doing FOR YEARS before you married him, so stopping it now would dial back your relationships with your nieces and nephews. But by keeping those relationships going, there's a chance your husband and SS might be integrated better. Ending those relationships won't get your husband or SS ANY of the family connections your husband seeks.
Ask your husband to think of your nieces and nephews as your friends, not relatives. Tell him that if you invest in those relationships now, you and he and SS will have the benefit of those family relationships in the future when the kids are grown. Relationships take time and nurturing and they are rarely 50/50.
The other thing that might help is when your husband complains about your sisters not doing for his kid, lightly agree with him, say, "Yea, I don't know what's with them, I wish it could be different." I can't tell you how much affirmation helps me on the rare occasion when I get it from my husband. Sometimes you just want someone to say, "Yea, they're wrong." If he then asks you to not see nieces and nephews, just repeat that they are separate relationships and the kids have nothing to do with what your sisters do or don't do.
Your guy is towing emotional wreckage. I think you'll see improvement with his therapy, but it might take a lot of time.
You've learned a lesson about telling family too much. You won't make that mistake again. But you did sort of blow your husband's chances with your sisters by telling them something they can't easily forgive. You must be firm to correct this.
We've all told more than we should and then regretted it. Surely they can understand that.
Tell your sisters, "I need you to treat Husband the same way you did before I told you he lost his shit a little last year. I may even need you to be more welcoming to him now than before." Tell them they need to trust your judgment and not hold anything against him that you told them in confidence. He's getting help, you are aware of the issues, and that's all they need to know. If they can't do that, tell them you'll have to reconsider time you spend with them because you've decided to invest more in the marriage and you only need positive influences around you for that. Tell them how lucky they are that they weren't adopted and they should have some damn compassion and if they can't muster it, it will affect your relationships with them. Be gentle and firm.
Thank you. That's very sound
Thank you. That's very sound advice.
My therapist recommended letting time pass before confronting my sisters again, but I know that time is coming very soon. I'm not looking forward to it, mainly because I don't know how it will go and the results can be life-changing.
I really wish I hadn't said anything. My only defense is that, at the time, it felt like the right thing to do and I was pretty desperate for some care and support. Doesn't excuse the poor decision, obviously, but there it is...
And I think that's exactly
And I think that's exactly how you talk to your sisters about it. We've all been in this situation of saying too much. Say you regret it and of course you understand they don't love him, so they will hold him to a more stringent standard.
But then you tell them this is your decision. Lots of marriages go through ugly stuff and come out well. You're hoping for this, but you need them to wrap their arms around ALL OF YOU because their distance is making things harder. They don't have to love him, but they must be respectful and let you make the decisions.
If you're still having trouble with them, there's nothing like putting it in terms they understand. If you remember a rough patch they had in their marriages, maybe make that comparison. Tell them how much you love their husbands now, but what would have happened if the family turned against their spouses when there was a rough patch? And if that doesn't work, ask them if they at least trust you to make smart decisions for yourself. If they don't, well, that's that. If they say they do, then tell them you really need them to do this and just trust you, and if things go the way you plan, this will eventually be a bad memory and nothing more.
Your husband didn't cheat on you. He didn't kill anyone. He has childhood trauma that's coming to roost. Try to conjure some compassion in them and let them know he's working on it and working it out. If they aren't compassionate enough to get on board, at least tell them not to get in the way.
And you know, in time, he
And you know, in time, he will have proved himself to them one way or another. So this is a temporary situation you just need to get through. Keep on plugging away.
You want to go out to lunch with your nieces
For there Birthday. You been doing that for years. That your thing. Why are you going to try to force your sister to do that for your SS. It may not be her thing. You can not make people do things they do not want to do. SS means nothing to your sister.
Why don’t you take the kid down the street to lunch? Because he means nothing to you. This is your relationship, you are with a man with a DS. Family has to be nice to SS out of respect for you. But they don’t have to like him. They may do thing for SS because they love you. Not SS.,
Because DH does not have family or good friends is not your problem. He created that. Everybody does not have to go by DH wishes because he married to you. Do not let DH come between you and your family. Parters come and go. But family is family
You have a trandion of 1:1
You have a trandion of 1:1 Aunt stuff with your sisters kids. DH is being juvenile about this. Inform DH that this is your tradion with your nieces and he needs to suck it up.
smh