First Time Venter - Here's the story
This is my first time. I found myself Googling "my step daughter and I do not like each other" late last night and came across this site. Started reading a few entries and decided to sign up.
I don't really know what all the abbreviations mean yet, I'm sure it'll come with time so I will be using the long versions and testing the others haha
My husband and I have known each other since high school, but both started families with other people and ended up reconnecting later on in life. I have a 14 y.o daughter (BD right?), he has an 11 y.o daughter (SD) and 9 y.o son (SS), and together we have a 4 y.o daughter (BD). Him and I have been together for about 6 1/2 years now. His kids' BM has not been in the picture since right after I came into it actually, and was only a once a month type mom before that. She has been an active heroin user for about 8 years and once I came around she really disappeared but has managed to pop her head in just enough to make sure she isn't forgotten.
My husband's family is what they would call "religious", and they have never accepted me into the family because I was not my husband's first wife (til death and all). His mother actually told him that he should stay with his ex and wait for her to come around (she was in a relationship with another man for about 3 years at this point) and to this day has stayed in contact with BM even though BM doesn't even stay in contact with her own children. So, we don't have family support, in fact we have the opposite. We eventually cut them out of our lives as they were making things even more difficult than it already was but constantly bad mouthing me (and my BD) in front of the SKids.
From the very beginning we have had issues with the children. His kids have a real hard time with structure and rules and respect. They refuse to do anything we ask of them because they just don't want to - their words. My SD has been writing these letters/diary pages saying how she wished she never wanted a family (she had asked her dad for a mom when she was about 3 because hers was never around) and then I came around and I'm sure in her eyes, I'm the reason her mom left and I'm the reason her dad's side of the family isn't around anymore. I am the epidemy of "evil stepmom" ..and she just goes on and on about how awful her life is and leaves these pages laying around for us to see them. Now, keep in mind, over the 6 1/2 years I've been around, this is by no means the first time this has happened and we've tried talking with her about it but it has never made any progress.
Last night after finding yet another one of these pages, I just lost my sh*t. I have never met children who are so disrespectful and entitled in my life. My husband and I have tried SO hard to give all of these kids a better childhood than we had, and yes we have rules and they are expected to do chores, but it's not like we have some out of control way of parenting - it's just a little more old school than most these days. Like they do not have cell phones (including my 14 y.o BD), there are no tablets unless we are going on a long car ride, we have limited tv time, as I said we have chores and bedtimes and we cook a good dinner every night. Sounds awful, I know.
My SKids were 3 and 5 when I came around, this isn't something new anymore, but they absolutely refuse to accept it and every single day is a fight in our house. My 14 y.o BD had a good 2 years were she challenged things in the beginning, and her and my husband don't have a great relationship but she also doesn't disrespect him anymore. But with my SKids... even my husband has a hard time keeping his cool with them. They are both so difficult. The SS lies and steals - quite often, he doesn't listen, and has actually said that he thinks he shouldn't get in trouble for any of it. He is a different kind of difficult than the SD because with him every day basic tasks are a struggle. The SD also lies (about some serious stuff - she once missed the bus to school and told us someone had grabbed her and dragged her into their car and she jumped out and ran home. Another time she had told her principal that her teacher was abusing her and there was a full fledged investigation, come to find out the teacher had thrown a coloring book away that SD brought to school and was refusing to do actual class work. She told her teacher that we were abusing her. That she was only allowed to eat one day, and have water the next. In general, she is just super overdramatic and everything is the end of the world. I think I have a harder time with the issues with my SD because it seems so much more personal than simple bad behavior. She even told her dad in front of me that she wanted a new mom and it was her turn to pick, and I truly cannot count the amount of times she has said she wished I wasn't around.
We have tried counseling, for both kids, and have gotten nowhere. The counselor said they seem fine for their age, and her only suggestion was to try strictly rewarding them for positive behavior, and ignore the bad... We couldn't. We tried, but it just didn't work for us. We have other kids in the home and that was not setting a good example.
Anyway, there's my back story...
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Comments
Welcome
And that counselor was truly a whack job saying "ignore the bad behaviour." that counselor should be defrocked of any certifications or diplomas IMHO (in my humble opinion)
The SD will be more trouble than SS because she is making up lies that involve the authorities and you could actually lose your children because of her claims. Her dad should come down on her like a ton of bricks. Hopefully he does not guilt parent and feel sory for his kids because their BM is worthless.
Yes, after the seriousness of
Yes, after the seriousness of the lies SD told regarding kidnapping and abuse, things took a turn for the worse and I actually told my husband I would not allow his daughter to put me or my children in jeopardy. At that point she went and stayed with her grandmother for the summer, which didn't help on so many levels other than giving me a short break from the madness. She has since come back to our house because grandmother couldn't handle her anymore, but absolutely nothing has changed. At first she was glad to be home, but that didn't last long and all of the same behaviors started up again. It's weird because even though we don't spoil any of our kids, my SKids seem to think they should get everything they want, and when they don't, all hell breaks loose and they just get worse because they're mad. Which then gets them in trouble, which makes them more mad and they act out even more, and it's this vicious cycle that never ends.
Luckily, my husband does not guilt parent. The SKids were so young when everything first happened with their BM and even though they may not like me, they have always had a safe home with nice things and have never had to go without. I HOPE that when they are older, they realize how good they actually have it.
Dad needs to interview a
Dad needs to interview a handful of child psychologists in your area until he finds one he thinks can help. One bad "counselor" (what qualifications did they have?) can make therapy seem ineffective, but a qualified one who shares your values can help.
Agreed!
This has been a topic in our house off and on for years because IMO they need some real help. I agree that one bad counselor (and she was technically a "child psychologist" but I'm not sure of actual qualifications) can make it seem ineffective or even make us feel like we're crazy and over reacting or something. Spending an hour once a week with them doesn't give enough insight to what is really going on. Trying to find a good one that takes our insurance has been challenging, and trying to get dad to take it more seriously hasn't been much easier.
Get out now
What a mess! I am so sorry to hear about your trouble.
Also, I really hate to hear about people who try to take over for an absent/abusive/incompetent parent. This is usually though not always a woman. Stripped to its essence, this guy (it's usually a guy) is looking for a woman to run interference with his ex and to take care of his messed up kids. I know there are exceptions, and some of them post on this board, but in the majority of cases the underlying dynamic is that Daddy is looking for help. Well, bless his heart, but the outcome is predictable. Whether you're doing this because you love their Dad or the state is paying you to be a foster parent, or you just want to mother and fix every child in the world, here is the truth: This is not your problem, and you cannot solve it. These kids are a mess, and from the sound of it their doting Daddy is not much better. Staying in a household with this lot will destroy you and your children.
You probably know where your situation is headed, and I advocate getting a jump on it. Leave this guy and his neurotic brood yesterday. Let him deal with the problems of his bio kids and their horror mom. THESE ARE HIS PROBLEMS AND NOT YOURS. Stop, right now, trying to save these people from themselves. Share custody of your mutual child if you must, but GET OUT. Let all the kids grow up and get out of the house (maybe excepting your mutual kid) and then if you still want to be with the guy, do so without the vastly complicated dynamics of step parenting.
Get out now while you and your children retain some shreds of sanity.
I can honestly say that I
I can honestly say that I have contemplated leaving the situation several times. I feel that my life would be less stressful if it were just me and my 2 girls. BUT I do love my husband and we have been thru a lot even outside of his children's issues. I have tried and tried and tried some more to get to some sort of happy medium but I think I need to work on not trying so hard and focusing more on my girls. I am not the SKids' mother, they have both made that abundantly clear. I'm only their mom when it's convenient for them which I have had about enough of. I will continue to have order around the house and not let them dictate the rules and set bad examples for the littlest one, and honestly couldn't care less if they look at me as the evil step mom. My girls, both 14 and 4 are polite and well behaved. My oldest has had her share of a rough life and she doesn't act out the way my SD does. I hate when people use that as an excuse. I'm not sure I'm ready to walk out, but something has got to change...
Appreciate your response!
Your husbands family have a teisted view of reality
on what planet is it ok to stay married to someone who is cheating on you. Who has no respect for you and their kids and how much this destroys and affects them?? Stay married because she’s the first wife like she is the more real wife is stupid.
my husbands mum told him on his wedding day how embarrassing and shameful for their family it would be had he cancelled the wedding with the ex. The res flags were there. Her family threatened him and she was already abusive
what resulted was 14 years of hell and abuse and 3 effed up kids unable to be productive members of society.
hubbys career sabotaged by the exwife constantly. Hubby said he wasted those 14 yrs and would much rather have waited for the right person even if that took 40-50 yrs
seems your husband recognises his family’s stupidity. They’re probably from one of thos old school black and white ideology kind of families
Welcome and Hugs
I too found this site by Googling something in a similar way. So glad you found this place! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep looking for that second opinion from another psychologist for SD. As for the rest, take comfort in knowing that your bio kids are turning out well despite the chaos.
Welcome!
I found this site, and felt an overwhelming calm, as I read post after post describing my life! With some interesting variations.
You SD(stepdaughter) is almost 12, and shes been on a hate campaign for the ENTIRE time? Having the belief that we are equal parts nature and nurtures (as well as spiritual beings), I think something in her brain is out of whack, from having an addict mother. Not JUST the phsychology of it, but the messed up brain chemistry.
My SD20, whom I call Feral Forger, is JUST like her mother in personality. The lies, the narcissism, the dirtyness, the addict brain. The entitlement. All of it. I came into her life after the chaos of separation, at 15.5 yo (years old). She and I NEVER bonded, and I really dislike her on top of all that. She is stunted at 20.5 with a parttime job, no drivers license and likes her xanax and whiskey.
The other SD13 (stepdaughter 13) whom I call munchkin, she has the opposite personality. She and I have a good healthy bond, I do much for her, we ejoy each others company, she is clean and respectful and just really nice. There is not much drama.
So what is it? birth ordr? Brain chemistry? The first 4 years of BM, not you? I wish more studies were done on this subject, from a step parenting pov.
Anyways, if you decide to stay you are at risk of losing your children to lies. We also have recieved threats from Feral Forger SD20 that she will call CPS on us, because we are abusing Munchkin SD13. We have 50/50 custody, and Feral Forger SD20 lives with her BM, whom I call Toxic Troll. We are definitely keeping our distance from her, and Munchkin cant really even say she loves hr sister. She just goes "meh!" when she is mentioned. Munchkin prefers our spacious clean happy household and we are all cheerful and living towards one another. Certainly no abuse is occuring - SD20 loves throwing out threats. Also she threw these threats around when DH was chastising her about stealing checks from BM and cashing them fradulently. LOL> she doesnt even know how to write a proper check!
That being said, because you have several more years of full time with SD Missliesallot (or SD JournalhatingmeansIloveyou) , one thing that folks in our position do is to install nanny cams, or something like that, as a protective measure. Plus, "good morning, goodnight, heres some food, please wash your plate", and not much more than that. Disengage, let your DH (Dear husband) do for her. Completely. She hates you and wants a "new mom", well you arent her mom, and you will not do "mom things" for her any longer. Just stop.
If you are really and truly considering an exit strategy, consult a lawyer first and foremost and get your financial ducks in a row.
Thank you!!
First of all, thank you for the abbreviation break downs! That was awesome! And your response was amazing.
So yes, SD11 has been on a hate campaign the whole time, or at least 90% I'd say. There has been probably a year collectively where she hasn't made waves. But there does always seem to be that underlying dislike there. The dirty looks when I talk to her, ugh. Drives me insane!
All of my friends who have been around both SD11 and SS9 feel that something is off with them.
My big fear is definitely that BD3 will pick up all of these bad behaviors and lying from her siblings. I have even talked with SKids about this in particular a lot, especially recently as they have been playing some super inappropriate games and including her in them. Luckily my BD13 has managed to stay away from it all and has disengaged herself. Smart kid ;)
I have been disengaging probably for longer than I realized until this forum. I have been more on the "good morning, good night, here's some food, clean up your mess" train for a good month (when she wrote a 4 page letter to her dad and I directly telling us how I've ruined her life and everything is so unfair for her). I think finding another set AGAIN a couple nights ago pushed me over the edge and I am more knowingly doing it. I even told her dad last night that I am going to ride the "step mom" train pretty hard for a little while and let her really see what not having a mom is like.