When disengaging backfires....

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What happens when disengaging backfires?
It has been one week since the blow up between me & SD14 where she told me I was “MEAN” to her because when she says crazy, off the wall things (which she does to get attention. ie: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEW MEXICO IS IN THE UNITED STATES???") I look at her as if she’s insane (note: everyone present looks at her the same way, it’s only when it comes from ME that it bothers her), and because I have a relationship with her sister (SD20) and she doesn’t (“Don’t I know how that makes her feel??? ”). She also told me that day that I was just jealous of “her & daddy” and that I would not get “alone time” with him because he’s all she has.
I have disengaged as I was advised to. For a while, it was going well. SO and I were acting as a loving, happy couple again. After a few days, SD14 would try to talk to me. My responses would be short and to the point. Then she started trying to be “nice” and joke around (only doing this while in front of her father or grandma, mind you). Again, I would answer in short, to the point replies and not smile or laugh.
Last night, I made dinner while SO took a short nap. When dinner was ready, I walked into the hallway, as I always do and in a loud voice said “DS, SD, dinner’s ready”). DS’s door was completely closed, yet he came running out immediately. SD’s door was partially open, but there was no response (This is not unusual. She rarely ever answers when called and if you call again she will snap back with “I heard you!”). So DS and I went on to eat dinner. When the time came for me to wake SO I mentioned that SD must have fallen asleep as well because she never came to dinner.” He went to her room where her nose was buried in her ipad and asked her why she hadn’t answered when I called for dinner. She said I never told her. SO immediately went stomping thru the house. A few minutes later I went into our room and he said to me “Why didn’t you tell her dinner was ready?” I said I did! Argument ensued. I said “Why would I NOT tell her dinner was ready?” and he sniped back “Because you don’t like her! It’s been very obvious since all that happened last week! She’s done everything to try to mend things with you and you’ve ignored her!” So, now because I’ve disengaged she has a blank check to say whatever she wants about me and it’s believed, because I’ve disengaged… which obviously means to him that I don’t like her. (Oh and Newsflash SO! I didn’t like her LONG before last week!)
Now what? I don’t think I can fake liking her until I can get my exit underway.

He doesn't cook. Before I

He doesn't cook. Before I moved in, they ate every single meal out. If I don't cook for everyone he'll just take her to McDonalds annd then I'll feel like an ass because my DS is stuck eating broccoli while SD gets chicken mcnuggets and an ice cream!

No, my DS heard the call and

No, my DS heard the call and came running. SO was napping after work, so he didn't hear me call the two kids. I had a conversation with him when I woke him up.

Was all the food gone?

Was all the food gone? Couldn't see just go make a plate after she found out dinner was done?

Thank you!!! It was freaking

Thank you!!! It was freaking chicken and broccoli! It heats up just fine! But dinner was never his problem. It was that he felt yet another person was hurting his precious daughter! (This is the ongoing argument. Someone is ALWAYS doing something to poor widdle SD. Bless her widdle heart!)

Immediately after our

Immediately after our argument last night, SO texted me (from the other room). "Sorry, I just don't see you & SD's relationship getting any better and IDK what to do about it."

Me: "You automatically ASSUME I lied about telling her dinner was ready. Never for a second did you think it could've been a misunderstanding, or she wasn't paying attention, or maybe even that she's not telling the truth! U automatically assumed I was just being petty & wasn't planning to fewed your child! IDK what to do either SO! You accuse me of not liking her, but you don't say she doesn't like ME! IDK how I'm supposed to handle any of this after what she said to me last week. I'm the only one who's cried over how to fix it.

SO: "Her door was partially open so IDK how she didn't hear you, but she has done her part in trying to mend things. You just ignore her and when you do respond it's obvious you didn't want to."

Me: I've purposely disengaged because I didn't want to give her any possible reason to accuse me of making faces at her - AKA: being "mean" to her. At least until I figure out how to better handle this situation. I can't pretend the conversation never happened. You make me feel like my feelings dont matter at all if SD disagrees because you feel like a bad father if you don't side with her 100% of the time! So, yes I've had a difficult time dealing with and "getting over" the things she said."

....No response. This morning he wakes up and goes to work like nothing ever happened! That's so annoying! Shit DID happen! It doesn't just magically fix itself!

Oh, no, no, no, no, nooooo.

Oh, no, no, no, no, nooooo. This is not how this works. This is a bunch of kids on a playground bickering and feuding.

You do not defend yourself against Miss Missy's wily ways or talk about "sides." YOU are by your husband's side and the two of you together handle children.

Please do not waste another breath with the above playground rhetoric. You tell him your ADULT observation. "Your daughter is unhappy that you have a partner. Any partner. Do you want a partner? How are you going to help her adjust to this? What can I do to help?"

I've tried that approach.

I've tried that approach. Unfortunately he believes SD has no issues or problems. So, it must all be ME!

Tell him you want to get

^^^ This ^^^

Yup. I had a summary post to

Yup. I had a summary post to this effect. DH believes his kids before he believes me (or he asks if I'm sure it wasn't my kid) and yet I believe DH before I believe my child and I don't ask if it was one of the skids unless I have evidence.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/218728

To me, the worst problem here

To me, the worst problem here is your dh pretty much calling you a liar. I would halt all other discussion and call him out on that. If he was content to stick with that position I would then ask him why he married a liar and why he wants a liar around his kid.

You should not have a spouse who thinks it's okay to throw that accusation at you and you should not feel it's okay for him to do so, either.

Mr. is not trying to problem solve with you, he is beating you into submission cuz princess "needs" protecting. Unless you both can learn to problem solve effectively and respectfully, I don't see this marriage working out. Sorry to be so blunt.

I know you have circumstances that make you want to stay for at least another 3 or so months. I would be tempted to just say, look, this doesn't seem to be working. Let's work on a plan where I can stay here till my medical needs are over, then we'll be on our way.

If you really want to keep HIM, I would say "I need to be in a relationship where I am not called a liar nor am I thought of as a liar." Etc.

YES, YES, YES! I have a HUGE

YES, YES, YES! I have a HUGE problem with the fact that he is accusing Me of lying and not for a second thinking it would possibly be his pretty, pretty, princess! I have a problem with anyone thinking bad things about me, especially when I didn't do them! The problem is, SO (Remember he's not DH yet, because "why would he marry someone who has a crappy relationship with his daughter?") calls EVERYONE a liar who disagrees with SD14. He really has no relationship with SD20 anymore either, because "she doesn't treat SD14 like a sister!" (Because SD20, like most everyone, can't stand being around SD14!)

Get a bull horn and use it to

Get a bull horn and use it to start announcing dinner.

Your relationship with SD

Your relationship with SD will not get better because he lets her act like a brat and he believes her over you.

Trying to joke and be nice when other people are around is not "mending" things.

And I like the way he uses the past tense, "she has done her part in trying to mend things." So, that's it? She's done? The relationship should be fixed now? Please.

Oh yes, she's done her part,

Oh yes, she's done her part, paid her pennence (by joking around with me), so things MUST be fixed!
Screw that! You can't unring this bell!

Your bf's relationship with

Your bf's relationship with his younger daughter is pathological. He has even rejected his older daughter over it. His ex-wife sleeps with little boys.

This is such a trainwreck that you must extricate yourself. This man is not for you. No no NOOOOO he is not.

Tell him you want to make princess happy. You are stepping aside as his partner. Because of your medical issues, you would like to stay temporarily. You will do the cooking and whatever you are currently doing (semi-housekeeper, whatever) in exchange for staying on. He is released from spending any kind of couple time with you and SD14 can have him all to herself. Work out a workable business plan, only you know the details.

Then leave that house after you are well ... and leave that crazy little boy diddling town!!!

Pay him off next year if you feel you owe more rent or maybe he should pay wages to you, whatever. Just call off this torture right now!

My fear is that if I tell him

My fear is that if I tell him I'm done with the relationship, he will make me leave, regardless of my medical needs. He will say it's because he has a duty to "protect" his child and if I am so unhappy here, I will not create a good environment for Evil Spawn to thrive.

If you cannot have adult calm

If you cannot have adult calm conversations with this man there is absolutely no hope and there never was.

The only other idea I have is "yes" him to death until you can leave. Do whatever he asks you. Do whatever she asks you. Agree with everything he says. Inside you cross off another day in your internal calendar. Then scram like tigers are chasing you. They are!

Yes, but this is technically

Yes, but this is technically HIS house. We moved in with him and it's only his name on the deed.

He is a buttwad Jasper! I

He is a buttwad Jasper! I agree!

I was thinking that if she

I was thinking that if she wanted to continue to make supper for them, she will have to go WAKE UP the idiot father and have HIM tell his daughter that dinner is served!

He just sounds like a real

He just sounds like a real ass.

Yes ma'am, it did indeed!

That is the really difficult

That is the really difficult part for me. I do still love him. If it weren't for SD I wouldn't even be considering leaving. When we spend time together he always reminds me of why I fell in love with him... But then SD enters the situation and that all goes out the window. Part of me really wants him to change and correct these issues because I do want things to work. I too, went on a billion bad dates before meeting him. Unfortunately, he is one of those people who is too ignorant for words and believes he has to "choose" me OVER his daughter. And you're absolutely right! It's not about choosing one over the other! I never chose SO over my DS! It's about balancing, not choosing.

How could anyone possibly

How could anyone possibly live a person that treats them as this waste of non-manhood treats you?

Quit the self delusion they you love this guy and work your exit strategy.

Your H is why the

Your H is why the relationship between you and your SD will never get better. She's knows exactly what she's doing, and she's winning, because he's letting her. He would rather believe you are evil than acknowledge she's manipulative and a liar. There's only so much of him making excuses for her being a little monster that I could take.

Also I agree that it didn't backfire. I don't think you've disengaged enough. After you announced dinner the first time and she ignored you, she shouldn't have gotten a second invitation to dinner.

I reread and saw that you

I reread and saw that you only told her to come to dinner once. You handled things just fine. Now you know what lengths she will go to so you'll look bad. You also know your H is going to fall for it every time. Time to outsmart both of them.

I have confronted him before

I have confronted him before about why he doesn't say anything to her about disrespecting me, or backing me up and he says he does, just not in front of me. I believe that he has had these conversations with her, but I feel like in order to really make his point it needs to be done in my presence! Otherwise any "talking to" he does to her are empty words, IMO.

I just spoke to a mutual

I just spoke to a mutual friend of ours who told me that my SO was talking with her husband about how great I am and how I've helped his entire family and when he mentioned marriage, SD14 stomped off and went to sit in the truck. She said her husband could tell SD was in a total tizzy at the mere mention of the M word. Oh well, too bad for him. He will be alone forever because he wants to let his Evil Spawn control his future and not the other way around!

Part of my severence was that

Part of my severence was that my cobra would be paid for by my company for one year. They paid 100% of employees insurance premiums anyway. I got 3months severence pay and cobra for one year.

It sounds like the real

It sounds like the real problem is you and your dh's ability to navigate or communicate through an issue to resolution...You two are having a breakdown mid way the conversation that needs to happen...so, you do not get this thing resolved...it should be a process between you and your dh...he blames...you defend against his accusation ( which changes the subject completely)...and breakdown occurs.

You need to sit down with him in an uninterrupted setting preferably when you both can control your emotions enough to have a calm, conversation...Make the bullet points clear (he is a man)...stick to one issue (he is a man)...attack it as if it is both of your problem...try to brainstorm on solutions that will work for you both...It will only work if neither of you just blames the other...or one of you completely shuts down...

This is something for the two adults to discuss to come up with a resolution...a great book called the everlasting promise by daniels is an amazing tool to help with the communication process...I wish someone would have given it to me when I was younger....but, hey, it's never too late to improve....peace

And the "niceties"

And the "niceties" continue... SO just came home from work and immediately grabbed me up and kissed me and asked me how my day was, etc, etc. He then said, "I have an idea. We haven't been to (that one restuarant we both like a lot) in a long time. Would you and DS like to accompany SD and I to dinner there? I don't want you to cook in this heat." I said "...Sure."

So, now instead of heating up the kitchen making the A/C want to revolt in protest because it's already trying to keep up with the 93 degree outside temp, cooking a meal and then having everyone head off to their respective rooms with their plates, I am instead going to be stuck in a car for 30minutes each way with SD14 who has raging ADHD and will not shut up for five minnutes, SO who probably thinks he's also "doing his part to mend things" by taking me out to dinner, and DS14 who has the glorious ability to fall asleep in the car and avoid SD14's voice, no matter what the situation (I'm so jealous of this narcoleptic tendency). Yay me! :sick:

IMHO he is not taking you out

IMHO he is not taking you out to dinner as much as your son and yourself are accompanying Him and SD to where they had already decided to eat. See the difference in how he asked you?

Um, what?! He invited you to

Um, what?! He invited you to go with him and his daughter?
This is the message:
You. Are. Not. A. Couple.

My DH pulled something similar. He and I talked during the day about taking the kids to X. When I got home everyone else was already home and I got told "we" decided to do Y. I asked about X and there was some lame mumbling. It smelled fishy. My BS happened to walk in the room so I said I heard you all decided to do Y. BS said he didn't know anything about Y. Apparently DH and the skids decided to do Y...never asked BS...who was home. We got invited to do Y with them. No one did X. But I refused to go do Y and BS and I spent a couple quiet hours alone. DH got an earful about it later.

So he showed his ass last

So he showed his ass last night. Tonight he comes home all lovey-dovey. Now every thing is just fine,UNTIL SD gets her undies in a twist again.

How can you stand to live like this. The tone of your relationship from day to day is based on your SD's mood. That is crazy. If SD aint happy, aint nobody happy.

You can do this. "DS, SD

You can do this. "DS, SD suppers ready and hot. Come and get it". DS comes out. SD is silent. Go wake SO and make it his problem. To acknowledge dinner and come get it.

Thank you everyone! I swear I

Thank you everyone! I swear I wish I'd found this board a long time ago! My blood pressure may not have gone up so high! LOL!

MissD, we are living the same

MissD, we are living the same life. You are going through a lot of the crap I was going through last summer. I've read some of my older posts and the dynamic still hasn't changed with DH. I HAVE learned not to remind SD13 to shower, not to ASK anything of anyone. If there is crap laying around common areas of the house, I toss it. If SD13 needs something, she goes to her father. SD13 still doesn't quite get it, because she is 13 going on 7, but sometimes she will just run her mouth to me. I "ooooh" and "Ahhhh" like Sally described above and tell her to go tell DH.

SD19 I haven't seen in DAYS even though we were under the same roof until last night. I have disengaged from her fully. I didn't even SEE her in my own home, and when DH asked me to do something for her last night, in that sweet little voice of his, I shot his ass down and laughed at him. I still care about my DH but I am starting to even disengage from HIM. I know my life will never change with these loons in it. I can't fathom having the SDs around for the rest of my life. That would be torture.

I am getting my exit plan in place and getting more courage every day to jump off of this circus ride. It will never change. I want my life back and only I can make that happen. I say get your back surgery now and start your recovery. Explain to DS that he will have to help you, and he may have to prepare some of his own meals and help you out around the house. Do the surgery NOW while your DS is out of school for the summer to help you. I see this as the best way to fully disengage. How could you possibly do anything for anyone while recovering? }:) It will help to keep YOU in check so you don't over extend yourself, doing things for the household.

In a few months when you are feeling better, you GTFO. You can search for a new job online as you recover. When you feel a little better you can make it to an interview. By September, you should be living the dream....

That's what I see for you! Stay strong and schedule your surgery. Also buy some earplugs, lol,so you can get your rest.

~ Moon

Thanks Moon! Hopefully we'll

Thanks Moon! Hopefully we'll both be living the dream by September!

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When disengaging backfires....