Then one stop marriage counseling it’s doing no good.  Two, your DH does not respect you, does not respect his marriage.  And will do what he wants to do.  He does not care if it’s right or wrong.  Leaving your DH is almost a given. 

You have a choice to make,  leaving is most likely the one.  Let him and his DD live together.  Seams like SD does what she wants, and DH does what he want,  They make a perfect pair 

It sounds like your husband is a good guy...with a lousy, awful daughter.  He will always be her father.  Maybe when he sees her, you can see your kids or plan a fun getaway for yourself.  And I agree w SF, if she ever bad mouths you again - step in and let her know she is not to contact you again.  It's awful that's happening and your husband tolerates it.

As a mother you know that we are biologically wired to love our kids unconditionally. No matter what they do, no matter how angry they make us, no matter how stupid their life choices are- we love our kids. 

Most of us don't have that same connection with step kids. Even the one's that have been in our lives for 24 years. Especially if that SD has been the cause of so much turmoil. 

I don't think this is give up your marriage worth- but I understand how you feel so betrayed by your DH. In my very very humble opinion, the conversation that you should have with your DH before you decide to bail on the life you have built together should be more along the lines of:

1. You understand that he loves and wants to see his daughter and grandkids.
2. You are not comfortable with any joint finances supporting more that $___ towards that per month ( I would allow for a lunch out or something that a grandpa would do under normal circumstances).
3. SD is not welcome in your home under any circumstances. (I don't know if you need to include the grandkids in that statement or not, but you should do what your heart tells you).
4. SD days should be limited to 1-2 times per month. 
5. When he comes home from them, you don't want to hear a word about it (unless you are still interested in the grandkids and then say that you only want to hear about them and not a thing about SD).

Those are fair and reasonable and a general compromise on both parts. Try it. 24 years is a long time to just give up now. I wish you the best!!

"I feel like I am so much happier when he is not around." Life is too short to be with a guy who makes you happier in his absence.

Everyone is saying he's a "good guy", but I hear spineless coward who can't stand up to his daughter for anyone. If my SS sent me an email like that, DH would have ripped into him so hard that SS probably would no longer speak to DH of his own volition. Nor would DH put up, passively, with watching SS let his partner abuse their child and be quiet about it.

All the love would be worn away for me in your situation.

I feel for you. Have also received emails etc death threats etc from my sd. She is banned from the house and I have nothing to do with her. 

You have two choices 

1: Hubby sees her but he knows you don't want to talk about her what they did etc when he gets back. Go and do something nice for you when he does this and it has to be at a time you both want not when sd demands. My hubby barley sees his dd now but when he does I don't ask and just carry on as if hed gone out with a mate. I hate it but I'm determined not to let her break us up which is just what she wants.

2: Hardest choice is to leave. Only you know the situation and how much you can put up with. If you stay hubby has to be totally supportive of your wishes to have nothing to do with her and not to have her in your home. If he wants it to work with you he Has to do this. (I know if hubby hadn't agreed to banning sd from our home our marriage proberty would be over as I will never tolarate that behaviour from anyone.

You don't deserve it and certainly don't have to put up with it. I truly hope for you hubby wakes up and sees her for what she is. Hugs hon I know what your going through and it suxs. 

Our situations are similar -- my husband is a great guy, but when we married, I never suspected I'd take regular verbal beatings and insults from his kid and he'd not say a thing to her about it. I just didn't see that humiliation coming.

That said, he is a great guy. Sounds like yours is too except for SD.

You can chip away at SD's control, you can start setting boundaries if you haven't already, you can find a new therapist who believes people CAN change...in other words, you still have options other than leaving if you want to try.

When I was thinking of leaving, I was driven by the thought, I can't live with this constant humiliation of SD attacking me and my husband doing nothing. I felt dissed! Overlooked! Marginalized!

But there's still a great guy at the core of the problem, so I tried chipping away at the problem, setting boundaries and going to counseling. It did help. It didn't change everything and it wasn't quick, but I've managed to stay put and he and I are talking more about the problems. He's taking more ownership for those early episodes when SD pitched tantrums directed at me and he did nothing to stop her. It doesn't make the humiliation go away, but it validates why I have bitter resentment today for something that happened 10 years ago -- it was never handled right in the first place.

I won't lie to you -- it ain't always grand here. But I've shifted the power just enough to make it tolerable. I get to keep the great guy and SD has a little less presence in our marriage most of the time. When you find some peace, the resentment becomes more manageable.