Basically my first post here. Not sure if its the right area but here goes..

Met my DH 3 years ago after being single for 10 years, we married 2 years ago. My son is 29, grown, living on his own. DH has now a 14 year old daughter and her BM is running our house and what we do with SD. Every year I've tried to plan a vacation for the three of us and every time BM has something negative to say to SD and she changes her mind and doesn't want to go. DH sides with her and we cancel. I'm tired of a child making decisions about my life. I mean I'm talking about Disney, Gatlinberg, Niagara Falls... its always something.

SD used to take the bus to our house every day when we first met but in the last year and a half has stopped as SD and I were getting really close. When we had her every day she never had chores it was always play on the boat or hit the mall or whatever. Over time things changed and she would just come in the house, ignored me if I was in the room and plopped down on the couch and played on her phone. Never helped with dinner, dishes, clean up of anything. Always says she's bored and we need to take her somewhere. DH falls for it but I am done. I asked her to do 7 dishes and DH was for once backing me on this. after asking her 7 times he took her phone away until she did it, she screamed like he was pulling her toenails out, and her girlfriend was over that night. one of the two girls texted BM and she was at the house in 15 minutes saying she couldn't get a hold of SD. Seriously!! she never calls DH to see what the problem is she just runs right over and saves the child... Like DH is not a parent. This has happened at least 4 times over the first year and a half. Now she barely comes over. When she does come over it's like she is so removed from life. She has severe social anxiety, she can't order her own food, she doesn't know how to talk to our 2year old grandson, doesn't speak to grandparents or aunts or uncles or cousins when they are over... just says "I don't know what to do" about everything, even getting a plate of food at supper time. 

I worry about her not being a productive memeber of society and DH will not do anything about it. last argument about her SAD he said he will vacation with SD and I can go to the beach by myself.  I have decided to disengage myself because I am a strong independant woman and it hurts me to sit by and watch a childs life be thrown away and not try and do anything about it. The BM is a narsissist and is mentally abusing her child. DH doesn't know how to deal so he doesn't.

I love my husband and we have a great relationship except when it comes to his support of me and our house hold rules to BM and SD. He says he agrees with me and he's going to stand up for what "we" want but then he backs down and says its not worth the argument with BM so he just goes with whatever she says he can do and thats it. I mean she called him on a thursday and said SD is getting braces on monday. you need to be there to pay $750 Deposit.... hello, that is our money.

I don't know if I am looking for validation, or if I there is something else I can do to get things to change, or I really just want to vent. I have already distanced myself by signing up for work on the weekends she visits, but now I want to make other plans all together when she is over. I feel like a failure but definetly to old for bear scat games. I think to myself If DH and I would have waited to get married I would have ended the relationship as I really didn't want to be burdened with such drama and vowed to not date anyone with kids under 18 LOL.... but I am committed now.