Worried and ashamed
Hello everyone. This is my first time posting but I need to talk/vent because I have so many worried regarding my SD. I have been with her father for 5 years now and we are married with a son (he is 4). When I first met my SD we really liked eachother and she was 9 years old. She liked to talk, cuddle, and go places with me. We would all go shopping, call/text and she even loved my little dog. Her parents broke up when she was 2 and she has had a step dad who is wonderful and loving and provides for her for over 12 years now.
Once I became pregnant everything changed. She was snippy, rude, and bossy but I figured I was new in her life and adjusting to a new sibling (she was an only child) would take a while. Her behaviour extended to her grandmother, mother, father, and even the kids in our neighbourhood when she visited (making the little one next door cry, bossing around). I noted that she had no restrictions on the internet and she has 24/7 access to her I Pad, never had a bed time, would only eat junk, and trated her dad poorly no matter how nice he was and how hard he reied. He just stated that he was afraid to talk to her about her behaviour because he wants her to visit (she lives 5 hrs away) and if he puts boundaries down she will not visit. Her mother texted me and said "I hope you guys are having a boy so that she won't be upset".
I sent her flowers from her unborn brother as a gender reveal. I made her my maid of honor when we got married. I still tried very hard to help my husband buy her christmas gifts, plan visits, take her on vacations, etc... Once my son was born her behaviour was very trying and I felt like I had no control in my house. I was a new mom but no matter what i did she was there saying "oh he is manipulating you"....he was a few weeks old......and my mother caught her blowing in his face over and over to illicit his gasp reflex untill he was red in the face and couldent breathe. She would say she was vomiting but then ask for mcdonalds and wouldent eat...I felot so stressed out trying to make her happy and have fun visits with her dad.
She is now 14 and things are unhealthy. She has no rules at her mothers home and choses not to visit us anymore except for christmas and summer. When she does come she does not acknowledge my presence in the room, is rude, constantly complains, will not eat unless it is take out, will not try to have fun with her father and is very mean to my son (her brother). He is only four and she tells him his teeth are "messed up", will yell at him when he is playing with her dad, will say things like "does this kid ever go to bed?", "he is horrable", "no i dont want to play your stupid games" etc...I understand that she is a teen but I have never come across this kind of behaviour before. Even if her dad asks her to please grab something for her brother she will say "not my kid". She will amke fun of him over text saying he has stupid hair etc...he is a average silly child and he was crying in my arms at 3 years old asking why his sister does not like him. I just told him that big kids sometimes don't like to play little kid games and that she loves him. She slams the door and goes in her room if i ask her not to talk to him or anyone else rudely. If we go on family outings, even to amusement parks, she sulks and is draining to be around. I could go on and on but I think you can see where I am comming from. If i cook she won't eat, she is rude to her grandmother.........
Not only is there concerns with how she behaves with us, she has been posting semi-nude pitcures in bra and panties on social media and changing her name/profile so that her parents dont know. She smokes weed and drinks and posts it online. She is seeing psyc and is on medication for depression. I am so concerned she will end up hurt, raped, in a car crash with stoned/drunk teens. Her mother just says "its no worse than other teens or anything we did'.......She posts about suicide online, sex. The incidence of suicide and physocosis goes up when doing weed and having a mental health condition and on meds. My heart feels up in my throat and I can't stop worrying. She is mad that her dad found he secret accounts but her mother (who she lives with) will not punish her, give a curfew, no limitations on internet, will not take away her phone.........
So I am worried about her relationship with father.....with my son.....and that she is going ot end up addicted, on harder drugs, or worse. I feel like her mother and father are not taking the above seriously and it is almost maddening. Even if she is difficult, she is still a a child who needs love and boundaries. I tried to disengage and when she visits i try to keep my son from annoying her. I told her dad that when she visits he can take her shopping for food and they can cook supper as a team because she will not eat anything I prepare. I told him she may not be disrespectful to any company in our house and that she may not dicipline our son. Even though I am trying to disengage my heart is sick with worry about her actions lately........
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Welcome
Rule Number One: You cannot care more than the bio parents do.
Rule Number Two: Everything you say or do (no matter how kind or well meaning) WILL be used against you.
Rule Number Three: Heavy lifting for parenting SD is on your DH and the BM. period.dot
Check, Check and Check..
Check, Check and Check.. period.dot.
Good advice from Thinkthrice
I’m sorry you are here (as no one wants to join our club).
Disengage from this child and never let her be around her brother or alone in your house.
You can only control your reactions to this wayward child and the parents clearly have refused to parent from day 1. The best thing to do is refuse to take part in her care. Otherwise, I fear, it won’t be long until she accuses you of doing horrible things to her.
agree
I am afraid of that. I feel like anything I or my son says is fuel for her to get angry. I can't even speak up fo rmy basic rights in my house when she visits......but she is still a child...its just too bad. I really want to have a relationship with her and am ashamed to say I can't find anything in common and don't even like her. I cant be;lieve i just typed that but.......I would never let her know of feel that. I always tell her i love her and tell her how much her brother look sup to her
Sociopath or average teen?
Welcome to Steptalk - am both glad you are here and sad that you are here - things have to be pretty bad to join our "club".
My eldest SD - Feral Forger - she did in fact progress from being verbally abusive/physically abusive to her sister, telling lies big and small - to stealing, then check forger, and multiple acusations of serious abuse about everyone, including her father, DH. The abuse never happened, he never hit her or verbally abused her. There were lots of scream fests where she would scream at him. I was verbaly abused, yelled at, called names, and treated like dirt in my own home.
You are correct in assuming things will get worse because this child has never been given repercussions for her actions, just like Feral Forger. FF is a sociapathic liar, with Narcissistic Personality disorder. She fels no empathy for anyone, is extremely selfish and self serving with 3 modalities - charm, rage and victim. Sound familiar? It should. Our stories are eerily similar.
Child of Divorce syndrom - there are many children suffering from divorce. The dysfunction that caused the divorce doesnt just float away - its still there. Without consistency and order, and enforcement of boundaries/rules, the kids will do what they want, without regard or respect.
The physical and emotional abuse your child is enduring are heartbreaking to be sure. I too held munchkin sd now 12 when she would cry her eyes out (shes a huge cryer) because her sister would be mean to her, hit her, call her ugly and stupid, ostracise her from the cousins at family gatherings and visitations, telling her to "just go away".
On one hand it is teaching coping, on the other hand it is abuse. Protect your child first and foremost. You cannot care more for SD than her parents, I repeat YOU CANNOT CARE MORE FOR SD THAN HER PARENTS. SHE HAS 2 AND YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM. forcus your energy on your wonderful child.
Feral Forger SD 20 takes meds, vapes, does edibles for her issues. She drinks and lazes around, working parttime only. She doesnt even have a drivers license so she takes uber and her mother ubers her around, enabling her into disabling.
Disengage from your SD. She needs more help than you can provide.
thank you
I just feel evil for not liking her. I treat her equal to my own son (i had two steps in my prev marrage and am still in their lives...they are adults now and our relationship is good). I guess because i was sucessful in raising two other steps in my last marrage and i love children....that she would at least like me a little. I have to realise that it dosent matter if i am mother trersa, its not about me. Its about the woman who gave her a brother and now has a family with her father. I guess she may never love my son despite sharing a dad.
You seem to genuinely care
You seem to genuinely care for SD but like a poster stated above YOU cannot care more than the biological parents. It's out of your control and hands to try and steer her in the right direction if both your H and her mother don't want to parent. You have a child now so you have to focus your attention on raising a happy and healthy baby and keep that toxic SD away. From the sounds of it, it appears that you have to disengage not just for your well being but for your sanity. You have a little one to care for that requires all your time and energy.
Do not allow this unruly child to run your home and your life. You have to set strong boundaries and hold them firm. She's 14 years old and if she continues down this path she will only get worse.
Welcome to the site! Given
Welcome to the site! Given your SD's behaviour, it is probably for the best that she comes rarely to your home. My SDs refused to eat food I had cooked so I had them eat their father's dubious meals rather than my delicious cooking!! I delegated it all to him when they were over.
You will find plenty of information on disengaging on the site, and really I think it is your only option now, when this obnoxious teen is in your house. Don't leave your son alone with her and don't leave her alone in the house. Leave all the parenting to her father. Wash your hands of her forthwith ;-)
Same Here
all three ferals wanted to eat only:
boxed processed crap such as "lunchables"
doritos,
oreos
cheese pizza (frozen)
kids kuisine
mac and cheese (kraft dinner brand name only)
reeses peanut butter cups
chicken mcnuggets
french fries
chocolate ice cream
chocolate milk
soda
And, this is what happens
And, this is what happens when kids are given zero rules and structure.
Everyone else covered it all, I just wanted to say - stop telling your son she loves him, he will think love means it's OK to treat people like dirt. If he asks why she treats him that way, say, "She is being very rude and mean", which will validate his feelings instead of making him wonder if this is how love feels.
Sorry, this is hard. Those sweet girl kids become awful teens, but sometimes, they do become sane and likeable young adults on the other side of all this.
I agree 100% with what tog
I agree 100% with what tog redux said about telling your son she loves him.
Holy hell is this what I have
Holy hell is this what I have to look forward to?? SD just turned 13 and it's already pretty rough with the lying and the stealing. Can't say for sure about smoking pot but I often wonder due to the lack of memory and moments of complete air-headedness and such. Her dad even threatens to home drug test her lol. She is a child that has been raised with zero rules and no structure. Well she does have rules but they were never enforced until I came into the picture. Probably the main reason she, for the most part, hates me. Not gonna lie I do get on her ass pretty hard like I'm trying to play catch up for all the years she got away with doing whatever the hell she wants without consequences. It seems like no one else is trying to teach her how to be a decent human and somebody has to. If I'm going to be in her life I can't just sit back and let her end up a piece of shit person. I legit feel like I am the only one who really knows what's going on in her life and who she really is, which I am finding out is not as pretty as she is on the outside. I have tried to disengage and keep telling myself to just ignore it all but I can't live in this house with her and let her continue on this path. That would drive me even more crazy then she does lol.
You have to disengage
Because there truly nothing you can do. What ever is going around in her head it going around. Let her BF take care of her. She wants takeout. Don’t cook for her. You do not want to be alone with her. She always right, so you are out of it, DHhas to arrange day care for her in the summer, camp, sport camp. But not with you and your child.
In a short time she will not be coming over. You have rules, any your problem will go away. Just make the rule, and hill to died on. SD will never move in with you, even with GK.