I don’t want to raise our son with his son .

Forums:

my boyfriend found out he has a 5 year old 1 year into our relationship and I honestly can’t stand him at all or his moms (Ive spoke on this before .) I’m due this coming August with a boy gonna be a Jr. and he’s talking about getting the other kids last name changed to his since the dna came back . The kid only comes around every other weekend or so so he won’t be around my son too often . . I understand why my boyfriend would want to do that but I can’t stand the fact that our baby has a half sibling and I don’t see him to be my step child or anything . i entered the relationship with someone that I believed to be kid free . That’s always been a deal breaker for me . I have no intention on raising them to be close . I don’t really feel comfortable with him calling my son his brother either (he didnt used to claim my son at all until dad corrected it ). I feel like they are only half siblings and my son was planned the 5 year old was legitimately an accident and wasn’t known about until he was 3years old . I’ve tried seen lots of post saying that the kid will make their own choice and I understand that , I just don’t plan on letting him really be around my son too much. Like I don’t see me going to any events birthdays holidays or anything like that .

I understand this wasn't your

I understand this wasn't your plan or desire. I get SS came out of nowhere. But he is 5. Any 5 year old is going to show reservations and maybe jealous about a sibling, full or half.

It's totally understandable and fine if you have no plans to raise your SS. You don't have to. He has two bio parents for that.

But it's not your fault and it's not SS fault that he wasn't a part of your plan. You don't have to engage in any relationship with him. But he IS your BS brother.

You will hurt your BS and your boyfriend by denying them the chance to be siblings. It's not your BS or your SS fault. These are the unfortunate cards that were dealt.

HALF siblings.

What's your point? Lol

Half is not the same as full,

Half is not the same as full, especially if the father is the common parent and the kids aren’t raised together. It’s a fallacy to pretend half siblings are the same as full ones. My two will be raised together, in the same manner. Skid is raised differently and is long distance. The relationships are not in equal footing.

Agreed I don’t think so

Agreed I don’t think so either . His other child isn’t around a lot and when he is I tend to keep my distance from him as much as possible anyway .

Why if the father is the

Why if the father is the common parent does that automatically mean they wont be raised together? Cue eyeroll.

Full or half, there's no guarantee they will have a positive relationship. But to actively discourage any kind of relationship is cruel to the children. Period.

I don’t really think so he

I don’t really think so he will see him here and there on some weekends they just won’t be raised to be close . I don’t see how that registers as cruel in any way . What exactly about it is cruel .? And no they won’t because me and dad live together he lives with his mothers

Because you're advocating for

Because you're advocating for ACTIVELY alienating your child from his half brother.

Completely different if by circumstance they don't get close because of distance etc. But to ACTIVELY alienate someone from their family is not ok unless that family member is toxic. Which this is a 5 year old we are talking about so unlikely this is the case.

ok but what will my child be

ok but what will my child be missing out on .? I’m trying to understand your “cruel” comment. I understand you PERSONALLY feel like it’s not right but can you provide detail of the negative affects it would inevitably have on my child by me not encouraging a strong relationship with his half brother who will barely be around who my child’s father barely even knows himself .?

Well my kids are “missing out

Well my kids are “missing out” on an entitled, spoiled, aggressive skid influence. Thank G-d.

And what? Your boyfriend isn

And what? Your boyfriend isn't going to want to get to know his own child? Oh let me guess, you're going to discourage that relationship as well?

And what about your boyfriend? How does he feel about HIS TWO sons having a relationship??

Meaning they won’t be raised

Meaning they won’t be raised in the same household most of the time the way they would if they were being raised by a custodial BM who is the common parent. Eye roll not necessary.

Right but your comment is an

Right but your comment is an assumption that in every scenario of half siblings that a father won't be the custodial parent lol which is baloney.

That’s how it is in most

That’s how it is in most cases.

my child’s father I

my child’s father I understand him being a little bothered by situations that may come up like events . But I don’t see how my son will be hurt he can’t be hurt over someone he won’t know much right .?

Ya know

Especially on here I am abrasive and borderline insulting with my opinions. But never in my life have I ever gone out of my way to make the distinction between full and half siblings. Siblings are siblings no matter what and no matter who that kid’s mom is, he’s still your boyfriend’s son and *gasp* a sibling to your child. You can make that sad little “haha, only half!!!” distinction if you want to set the example of pettiness and exclusion for your kid, be my guest, but don’t come crying to us when your bf breaks up with you and you have no control over the bonding he encourages with his kids.

"Bitchiness with Boundaries ..."

That was the thought that ran through my brain when I read your response! {Snort}

ETA: didnt mean to derail, but I laughed.

I like that lol

I have 3 skids and 2 bios (half siblings with skids)

My ss who is 21 next month told his dad i was a stranger and that dad shouldn’t force ss to show affection to his half siblings. He has always and continue to see and treat us as strangers and made no effort to maintain a relationship.

me and my husbands plan has always been to send our kids to school in my country overseas as they are dual nationals meaning skids won’t have a relationship with them when we’re living in my country.

skids have gone out of their way to alienate and abuse me and my kids (their half siblings). They make it well known to their dad too and even my husband feels ss doesn’t deserve the respect to be called a brother. So i call it what it is... half siblings which means they are siblings and partially related

whilst op is finding excuses to justify alienation attempts by not calling it alienation, her partner will see all his kids as his kids. She needs to accept that.

if you and your partner can raise your child effectively with the same values, it doesn’t matter if his half sibling is disrespectful, a criminal or does drugs when older, your bio son will be uncomfortable around this and refuse a relationship

op issue here is she never wanted to be a stepmum, thats a control issue because assumedly she never wanted the drama that comes with stepfamily life... she wants to control who has access to her future child(ren).

whilst op is finding excuses

whilst op is finding excuses to justify alienation attempts by not calling it alienation, her partner will see all his kids as his kids. She needs to accept that.

Exactly this^^^

There is a part of me that's resisting my baby having siblings in DH's previous kids, especially his daughter. She's been completely alienated & internally I'm screaming 'she is NOT your sister, she's a bloody stranger with a crazy mother & I hope you never fall under their influence or breathe the same air!!!'

Key word is *internally*. I've never mentioned feeling this way to DH, to any friends, and rarely on here. Fact is, my kid has siblings. Whether they see their siblings as half or full siblings is totally up to them. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, it's NOT my relationship to control, unless there's abuse somewhere.

Alienation is abuse. It doesn't matter how you dress it up or how 'good' your reasons are for it. Alienating your child from their sibling is wrong, OP. You cannot be with your child 24/7 for their entire life, neither can or should you limit your child's father from spending time with both his kids simultaneously, unless abuse is present. Your SS is 5 and your baby hasn't been born yet. There's no abuse, except for the alienation you're planning for your child against his brother/half brother/whatever.

I feel for you that you didn't know about the kid at first (though your story has changed since yesterday.....), but what you're suggesting isn't ok.

I Definitely wouldn’t cry . I

I Definitely wouldn’t cry . I think about leaving because the kid and have told him that and he discouraged me from leaving our relationship . He said I was making it deeper than it is he just doesn’t want to be a dead beat dad to the kid . that kid doesn’t have enough influence in our relationship to break us up lmao. And further more I can choose who and who will not be around my child for what ever reason I want . Just like my choldmwont be apart of my mother or grandmothers life either and those are my blood relatives . So why would I be more sensitive to a child that has no blood relation to me at all .???

You're not the only parent,

You're not the only parent, so no, you don't get to choose who will and will not be around your child for whatever reason you want. Your BF has as much say in raising his child as you do.

Lol You’re only half right

Lol You’re only half right if I’m present at the time I definitely will do exactly just that and who’s going to stop it and how .?SO won’t go against me while I’m home but If I’m at work or something then yea not too much I can do about that if I’m not there but I still know it won’t be to often because the kid already isn’t around often as it is *shrugs*

that’s objective honestly. I

that’s objective honestly. I have 4 half siblings same dad different moms they are my half siblings because DNA says so and you can’t argue with DNA now can you .? My SO was not happy about the kid being his and even said this is not a good thing and told mom she ruined his life and wouldn’t have a problem with the kid leaving the state and being put on child support . He’s fully aware of how I feel about the situation and accepts it and still wants me to have more kids by him . The only thing he cares about is me not being mean directly to him if I am around the child (which I never have or will) he completely accepts my feelings entirely other than that tho

.

This doesn't sound any

This doesn't sound any different to me than when BMs tell their children that their fathers new child isn't really their sibling. You are sounding exactly like a GUBM.

I understand that you didn't ask for any of this, that in fact you actually meant to avoid it. This is the universe telling you that you don't and can't control everything, no matter how much you try.

Your son and SS might grow up to have a wonderful relationship, or they could hate each other. Either way, you need to stop actively trying to keep them apart and let whatever relationship that they are going to have bloom.

On the other hand, you might not have to do anything. BM might be a GUBM and tell her son that your son is nothing to him and solve all your problems for you.

1. My sons not born yet so I

1. My sons not born yet so I’m not actively doing anything

2. I could care less about them liking each other at all really but if they do end up liking each other I won’t stop my son from doing so .

3. Shes already has told him that before and he relayed that message to me and few others that hurt my feeling but after being spoken to by my boyfriend and he let him know he will not disrespect me like that ever again the kid apologized but unfortunately I’m not the forgiving type with people I have no emotional attachment to . So now that you know these things do you still feel the same way .???

And what’s A GUBM

Golde Uterus Birth Mother -

Golde Uterus Birth Mother - they're the ones who think they have exclusive rights to their child(ren)

Because we do I’m not sure

Because we do I’m not sure how it works in other places but here in Ohio when an unmarried women has a child she automatically has soul custody which mean I do own him and I can dictate every aspect of his life until he’s 18 years old :)

Many states have this as the

Many states have this as the general case for unwed mothers. My DW was 16 when she had SS-26. She immediately had sole physical and legal custody and retained that until SS turned 18 and aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support order.

The Spermidiot was 22 when SS was born. That a 16yo automatically retained sole physical and legal custody over a 22yo certainly is not logical on a basic level. However, a statutory rapist has no business even being in proximity to any child much less having visitation or custody. Sadly, the courts did not have the balls to purge the Spermidiot from the lives of my Skid and bride.

But that is a long story.

One point on your comment. You do not own your child. Your child owns you. Never forget that. Being your child's example, mentor, advocate and disciplinarian does not give you ownership. Be careful or you will jeopardize the kid's future and your relationship with that kid when your son reaches adulthood.

Just my thoughts of course.

I will never say my child

I will never say my child owns me im not sure of your ethnicity or your upbringing but a lot of folks where I’m from don’t think like that and will never lets their child think that either it alters the dynamic of the relationship and gives your child a sense of entitlement which we don’t raise our children to have . And my SO would agree my son will never in his life feels like he owns me nor his father I gave birth to him . So that’s just simply not true . And it was the same with my upbringing and all of my friends and it never destroyed our relationship with our parents we understand we are the child they are the parent and we will do what they tell us to do it’s as simple as that no if and or buts about it .

My comment regarding kids

My comment regarding kids owning parents was not about entitlement. It was about the commitment that parents tend to have towards their children. I am completely firm on the truth that children should never be the priority over the adult relationship at the center of the family though they are the top responsibility for all the adults in the family picture whether an intact initial family or a blended family.

Parents must parent. They should be their child's excample, mentor, advocate and disciplinarian. Not their child's buddy. Children are not equals to parents. They are subservient to parents and good parents raise their kids with standards of behavior and performance and demand that their kids comply with those expectations.

Kids have no choice but to comply or suffer escalating age appropriate consequences for failing to comply.

This is how I was raised and that his how my bride and I raised our son. Who is my SS that I adopted at his request.

So, I don't think that we are all that far apart on he relative position between kids and parents.

The term doesn't apply to

The term doesn't apply to just single mothers

I think you'll find that, as a single mother, you automatically have sole custody until the father decides to demand a paternity test to prove he is the father and does have rights.

Do you really think a child will let you dictate his every move until he's 18?

he will be brung up in my

he will be brung up in my home the same way I was so he won’t have a choice and I’d never tell him to leave but he surly can leave my home if he chooses to do so on his own before 18 because he doesn’t want to follow the rules of me and his fathers home and dad isn’t going for any funny business either . You live in my house under my rules and there are no if ands nor buts about it end of story . That’s how my community raises children and my SO would never let that happen either . And it doesn’t work like that in Ohio establishing paternity doesn’t automatically grant you any type of custody at all not even signing the birth certificate will do that you have to actually go thru the court to try to establish some kind of custody of the child .

Out of curiosity....

Did you find out about your BF's son before or after your planned pregnancy? Based on what you said yesterday, I thought you were already pregnant, but in this post it sounds like you found out two years ago when this child was three.

I had the same thought,

I had the same thought, something isn't adding up..

I was going to ask the same!

I found out that a women who

I found out that a women who he had a one night stand with was going around testing all the men she slept with to find out who his father (including one of his family members shes was basically a whore. Have you ever watched Maury .? *shrugs* ) was around the beginning of the relationship when he was 3 years old at the time . Which I wasn’t to concerned about because I still could have walked away with no problem at that point if he was because our relationship wasn’t that serious yet . Well the mother of the kid didn’t want to test my bf because he was actually a minor when she got him drunk and slept with him while she was grown and she feared they would try to arrest her for molesting a underaged child if they did the math . He had no interest in doing it him self he really didn’t care ( how long he knew about this situation prior to me Idk) . Then she said it didn’t matter because she was going out of state anyway . But I guess that didn’t end up happening or they came back Idk (everything I know is because of SO) because he popped back up at 5years old after I was pregnant and that’s when I DEMANDED that my SO get a dna test done(I forget how I found out he was in town ) . Because I cared at that point I was pregnant now . During the two years of me thinking that she was out of state and had no interest of getting my SO tested because of what I mentioned earlier and my SO having no interests in the kid what so ever because there was no dna I got comfortable we moved in together after about 6 months of being together. Any time someone would ask him if he had kids his response was no he doesn’t but we plan on having the first one . My SO had no contact what so ever with the child again until he was 5 years old to my knowledge at least . My SO just so happened to be the unlucky one . I say unlucky because when he got the results back for the dna test I told him congratulations and his response was “Congratulations.? This isn’t a good thing “

So you did get pregnant

So you did get pregnant knowing there was a possibility (more than just random possibility) that he was a father to another child.

A possibility that one one

A possibility that one one cared to explore what so ever BUT ME 2 years later if neither one of them care or wants to take the initiative to find out why should I care at all and stop dealing with a man that I love because a kid MIGHT BE HIS but no one wants to find out .????? he’s clearly not an issue at that point if nobody wants to find out and just move on with their lives to a completely different state far far away right . .??? . No body cared if he was his child except for me once I got pregnant and was aware he was in town so I feel that fact is completely irrelevant if the boy wasn’t in town and they got a dna test my SO would have said put me on child support and that’s as far as it would have gone this child is only an issue because he lives in the same city as us . If it wasn’t for me that child still wouldn’t know who his dad is still wouldn’t have any type of relationship with him and this wouldnt even be a problem at all . So yea one he’s welcome no he has a father instead of 3 mommies . So I kinda blame myself for asking him to get the test because I just needed to know and was hoping we weren’t the unlucky ones but we were . If I didn’t make that test happen my SO wouldn’t give two shits about that child at all . So In my book my feelings are still completely valid no matter what anyone’s says I was the only person determined to find out who he belonged to .

And how is that not random is

And how is that not random if she was sleeping with half the city.????? *sighs*

I'd be pissed too, but it's

I'd be pissed too, but it's not the end of the world. Read up on disengaging for yourself. Read up on boundaries, your DH created the mess, he needs to be doing the work. Otherwise, I bet you're son will love having an older half sibling, and the bond may be beneficial later on, you never know. I figure the more people there are around to help and support you (or in this case your child) the better. The best part about having your own kids, you have the control to point them in the direction you want them to go. So if your son insists on acting like your annoying SS, you can tell him no, stop acting like that. If your SS is a little overzealous with his baby brother, again you can say no. If SS wants to invite your DS over to play at crazy BM's house, you can say no to that too. So they can enjoy a relationship with the boundaries that you are comfortable with.

If they do that’s great but

If they do that’s great but it will me because of SO not me I plan on disengagement being my go to method .

Its like if there a birthday party for his kid we won’t be going we will stay home . I won’t partake nor encourage any type of bond but if the make one thru dad I won’t discourage it I just won’t encourage it at all either . But I won’t tell my son not to be his what ever you wanna call it ...

Magic Wand?

At any time, out-of-the-blue, your BF may become 100% CP. You are one car accident, one poor CPS visit, one jail term, one DUI, one horrible new BF for the BM --- one heartbeat away from full custody.

I've had the middle of the night calls while we try to figure out the sudden change in our lives.

No magic wand or fantastical thinking will erase this youngster from you & your BF's lives.

The kid doesn’t have to be

The kid doesn’t have to be apart of my life at all I don’t have to be around him if I choose not to the kid has now 4 parents he doesn’t live with him mom anyway so he’ll be ok

I can't imagine trying to

I can't imagine trying to keep my child from having a loving relationship with ANY sibling, half or full. To me, that's incredibly selfish. You don't own your child, or get to decide who he's close to.

OP, it's time to stop feeling like the victim and woman up to face your choices. We all get hit with curveballs in our lives. Don't deal with it by cutting your son off from his SIBLING.

Until he can walk and talk

Until he can walk and talk and think for him self I actually do own him in a sense . He has no say so until then . And I appreciate it if you referenced him as a half sibling . Thanks :)

siblings

You never know how a sibling relationship will turn out, whether full, half or step. But the world is a hard enough place and friends come and go. If by chance they could have a relationship, why would you not want your son to have someone else on his team? If you don't want a relationship with the kid that's your decision but there is a potential upside for your son having an older brother.

I can also still have other

I can also still have other children so he’s not the only option as far as a sibling goes .

Dont be spiteful and blame a

Dont be spiteful and blame a 5yo for his parents' mistakes...yea including your partner. Is it an ideal situation? No... but I'm guessing you knew about the boy prior to your getting pregnant...unless you planned your pregnancy WAY too early in your own relationship...not being with your partner for a year..lots of things come up that you dont anticipate.

And...dont cheat your baby of the possibility of a healthy sibling relationship. It might happen despite what you think.

Sorry you hot thrown the curve ball.. but handle it with grace will be the best for your son. Both kids are full children to your partner...

He plans on us having other

He plans on us having other children and he’s fully aware of my feelings about the situation . So if I do completely disengage from his kid my son would still have another sibling eventually . He’s only in that child life because he feels like he has to be to not be labeled as a dead beat . After expressing my feelings to my SO he said I’m making his situation with kid deeper than it is .

I think that you are being

I think that you are being selfish beyond belief here. Your boyfriend did nothing wrong. He had no idea. Neither the 5 yr old or your baby asked to be brought into the world. They are going to be brother's whether you like it or not. Intentionally trying to separate them is cruel.

This would be a different conversation if the 5 yr old was doing something wrong, trying to hurt you child, so on. But your only complaint is that the was born. Tough cookies. Be a better mom than this. This makes you out to be a very petty and narcissistic person. YOUR CHILD will be Jr. , YOUR CHILD deserves more. No, both of those children deserve equal love from their father. Your stepson deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion in the home that you share.

And the fact that he told me

And the fact that he told me my child wasn’t related to him

and I’ll be his step mom . But maybe I didn’t mention it in the post . But hey pass your judgment it’s cool *shruggs*

**never be his step mom*

who said that?.. the 5 year

who said that?.. the 5 year old?... who is basically a tiny little kid who is dealing with an adult crapshow here.. lots of bad decisions all the way around and he is 5 and supposed to be the "adult"? sure.....

What law is there that says I

What law is there that says I have to forgive him just because he’s a child . Sorry my heart isn’t that big and I can easily do away with people in my life if they disrespect me in a major way . Yes even children I already don’t connect with other people’s choldren as it is . Kids are cool but besides my nieces and nephews and I don’t even like all of them I don’t do other people’s kids. Sorry we can’t all have a huge forgiving heart like you and some others can . You disrespect me then I’m done with you especially when I was out of my comfort zone trying as best as I could in the first place *shrugs* so please don’t tell me I’m not an adult because I’m not a super forgiving person wenjust simply aren’t all built the same

Ok.. so you hold grudges

Ok.. so you hold grudges against 5 year olds who have had nothing but chaos in their very short lives. You do not have a big heart indeed.. might say you have no heart at all.

Here is the bottom line. You are being a selfish ahole towards this child who was brought into this world by two idiots. Your SO included.. love his story now about how it was completely out of his control. Look.. if it was RAPE.. he should be filing a case against her.. right? I'm guessing it wasn't as illegal as all that and he is telling you what YOU want to hear. "no baby.. I didn't want to be with her.. uh..she forced me"

Your child has a sibling.. your SO's son is his relative.. they are related. You being petty and mean to a 5 yo.. honey.. I don't see you lasting much longer in your relationship with your SO.. and in general that kind of attitude towards people will likely give you a pretty hard row to hoe in life. By the way.. when you and your SO split... and he gets custody with his child with you? Those two kids WILL be together.

You can do things the hard way (the way you currently are doing.. punishing a 5 yo for mistakes his parents made).. or you can do things the easier way which is to find it in your heart (find that heart) to be kind to a kid that has a totally messed up situation going on in his life at 5 years old.. if you can't.. then I don't know what to tell you.. I just can't imagine someone being that cruel and a bad person. You don't have to raise or care for HIS child by another woman.. but you don't have to ostracise him.

and I’m sure that it won’t

and I’m sure that it won’t come as a shocker to you that I’m perfectly fine with people thinking I have no heart because it won’t stop me from loving my child and my SO or paying my bills which are the only two things in the world that actually matter right .? I was born an ahole and raised by some of the best and he!! I’m having a baby by one too soooo. I guess having a heart is calling a violated 17 year old an idiot lmao . Your hilarious and just contradicted your self speaking of my SO like that when he was only a child him self lol . And you must not have read the entire post because you’d know that she herself knows what she did was wrong which is why she was scared to go thru the court for a dna test or maybe you just didn’t want to read the whole thing .?? so again LMAO.! ..I’ve never been mean to him . Did I ever say I was mean to him .??? I actually remember putting time and time again that I’ve never been mean to him or did you miss that too when you weren’t reading the thread .??? When we split .??! so sure about that are you .?? He’s already looking forward to our next baby and this one isn’t even here yet so we will see how that goes AGAIN LMAO .! I’ll look for it(my heart) if I find it I’ll let you know lmao .! His situation has nothing to do with me it’s not my fault and really he needs to be thanking me because I’m the reason he even knows who his father is . But that’s another part of the thread you clearly didn’t read lol . And I can do what ever I please because I don’t have a heart remember .????

Good luck.. you will need it.

Good luck.. you will need it. You yourself said that you weren't sure you would even still be with your SO when your child turned 2. You know your position doesn't mesh with the future your SO has with his son.. (his first son). Don't be all mad at us because we are giving you a shot of reality.

I'm out.. I prefer to help people who actually will benefit.. you won't.

If I leave who knows why that

If I leave who knows why that would be people grow apart people cheat people argue there’s a lot of reasons for people to break up but I can gaurnetee that child won’t be the reason unless I make it the reason because he’s already made it extremely clear to me that that child has no influence over if we stay together or not so I’m not worried about not meshing with their relationship . I’ve already made myself clear to SO that I want nothing to do with his child and would prefer to not even be around him as much as possible . And hes perfectly fine and ok with that . I’ve already brung up the maybe I should just go and let you two have your relationship and my SO was flat out against it and made sure he expressed to me that he choose me to start his family with and this kid wasn’t serious enough to break us up so he didn’t want me to go . You’re actually on the out side looking in and not affecting my relationship with my SO at all so what ever because I know where we stand if I told you some of the things I’ve said to him about that situation and he still didn’t want to leave you’d understand how NOT serious this kid is in our relationship lmao. I’m here because I don’t like the kid and want to vent not because it’s causing any problems in my relationship silly lol .

By your SO telling you "After

By your SO telling you "After expressing my feelings to my SO he said I’m making his situation with kid deeper than it is" and "just don't be mean to him", he's giving you a watered down warning to grow the fuck up where his DS is concerned and drop the damn drama. He's also telling you what you want to hear to shut you up with the whole "I want to pay and never see my DS" crap. Step down off your high horse and stop being petty before you have to face a hard core reality and push your SO and possibly your BS away. And why would you want him to abandon his son? Especially if you're pregnant with his child. Would you want him to do that to your baby? I don't care HOW he became a father, HE'S A FATHER!

You can be disengaged all you want but you need to stop with the negative talk towards your SO's DS (an innocent 5 year old) to your SO. He clearly doesn't want to keep hearing it. You will never push that little boy out of his father's life now that he knows he's a father, with your behavior. Keep at it and you will be raising your child in separate homes while your SO is fostering a relationship with and between his 2 boys.

question... where are you

question... where are you getting the I want him to abandon his kid part from .? Where did I ever say that even once .??? Please correct me if I did say that somewhere .? Because i didn’t lol didn’t even hint at that ever not once so I’m confused as to where that’s coming from so please enlighten me with this bull your trying to feed me that I know for a fact I never said because it’s the exact opposite of what I do lol . Not sure what BS is either btw .

And It wasn’t a warning believe me when I say my SO doesn’t beat around the bush at all .! nor does he have any issue telling me shut tf up when he feels like it trust we’re both aholes that’s why we go together so well lmao . FACTS ..... he’s pretty straight forward and also has no problem telling me to grow tf up at all . He meant what he said and I know him a little bit better than you do to be able to make that call lol . :)

and also believe me when when I say my SO is not going to leave me because of that kid lol he doesn’t have that much pull in our relationship to end anything lol.... FACTSSSSS

Look, you said in your OP

Look, you said in your OP that him having a child wasa deal-breaker for you. So why not leave right now and settle visitation and child support with your bf rather than treat this little boy like a leper?

Then she'd have to share her

Then she'd have to share her property, er, I mean her son, with the father, instead of him being with her "24/7".

Of course, she could just alienate the father from the kid, and get rid of both with one shot!

Good question I guess I’m

Good question I guess I’m trying to figure out which is worse dealing with a kid and his people that I don’t like or being a single parent after planning a family and letting it all go for some one night stand baby that’s only around because his dad feels obligated to be around so he won’t be a dead beat . Luckily he only comes around every few weeks now since we moved

Exactly my logic

We discussed with the DH and he was talking about maybe once his boy will grow up, he would come and live with us. I was straight to the point and I said in that case I will leave.

for me it is very clear, I prefer to be single parent than to end up with the kid that was raised for years in an education that is opposite to mine. No thank you.

His dad knows that I’d never

His dad knows that I’d never go for that so I doubt he would even bring that up as an option lol . And the kid has 3 Mother’s to fall back on so unless all of them die I wouldn’t see why he would need to come live with us anyway lol . If you don’t mind me asking tho how did DH take that response .? I respect your straight forward approach to the question I really do lol . Right to the point no beating around the bush lol

Sometimes it turns out great

My DS was an only child until I married DH. Though there are problems between me and DH on how to parent all three kids together, the three have become very close and introduce each other as siblings only (no “step” involved). And my skids aren’t bad kids. They’ve all been good for each other.

Do I wish things had gone differently? Duh. I wouldn’t be on this site if it was all peaches and cream. BUT unless that little boy has massive behavioral problems, give him a chance. You may appreciate the help and attention a big sibling can give a kid. (And he’s five. Give him a break.)

I went back and re-read your

I went back and re-read your earlier post. If I am reading the timeline correctly, you have been with your SO approximately 18 months... he found out after 12 months that he had a kid.. out about his 3-3.5 yo son. But he is 5 now? That means that you clearly planned to have a child AFTER you found out about his son right?

I mean, clearly he has known about this son for 2 years... and you had been together for 1 year when you found out about the other child.

Obviously, THAT was the time to get out of the relationship... before it was complicated with another child.. but you didn't go that route.

So.. honestly, you really only have a few options because like someone that is permanently paralyzed can't walk.. you cannot change the fact that your BF has a son and that his son is a BROTHER (half.. whatever same diff) to your son now because they share the same father. Thinking about it, why would you want to be with a guy that would shirk his fatherly responsibility? If he allows you to ice his older son out of the house and away from his other son.. he can just as easily do that to YOU and YOUR SON... when he tires of you causing problems and not accepting the reality that he has 2 boys..not just one. believe me, you want to be with a MAN who will step up and be a father.. not just a support check.

So.. back to your options.

1. Get counseling for yourself. Figure out how to deal with your bitterness and anger because it is not productive, it's not helpful and honestly it will most likely result in the end of your current relationship and damage your own child emotionally.

2. Let your BF BE a parent to both children. No.. you don't have to do the care and feeding of his son.. but do not try to alienate that child from your household.

3. Try to develop some empathy for that little 5 yo that has to go stay weekends with a guy he hardly knows as "dad" and that mean lady who hates him. How would you like to be 5 and go through that? If you think it's OK.. then go back to number ONE.. you need therapy extra.

4. Accept that this child will be in your BF's life "for life" and will by association also be in yours and your sons. Will things always be easy? no.. he's 5. He has a lot of drama and turmoil around him.. don't expect him to be a perfect little robot about it. Shoot, even in bio families there can be sibling rivalry. In the end... he IS half of your BF.. so learn to not be overreactive to totally normal childish behaviors.

5. If you don't like 1-4..your options are to leave.. get support from your BF and live with a custody order where you share time with your BF.. who will raise his sons to know each other.

6. Finally, you can be a complete tool and horrible person and alienate your BF from his own son.. you can poison your son against his brother. You can be a poison pill in your son's life.. sure.. he will love mommy.. but hate the world and grow up emotionally a mess and will probably blind you with butt as soon as he realizes what a miserable manipulative B you are.

I don't suggest number 6.. because that is not a very nice person. 5 is an option if you truly can't live that life of being married to a guy who has another child.. and 1-4.. those obviously are your best options.

Look, at some point, you have to take personal responsibility for your situation. You are the one who decided to get pregnant with a guy who had a kid.. (or decided to get pregnant in less than a year with a guy you aren't married to.. can't 100% figure that out). You need to "man up" and own your decisions.. and accept that there are some things you can't change.. no matter how much you would like for them to BE changed. Because of decisions you made.. your options are limited.. so choose wisely now while you can.

Very nice. Must ask, is

Very nice. Must ask, is "blind you with butt" a typo or an expression I don't know? I really want to use it if it's the latter.

The correct term is "blind

The correct term is "blind you with "a$$"... but I try to keep my comments PG-13.. lol.

He never wanted the kid to be

He never wanted the kid to be his in the first place . That’s not how he ever planned on having his first child and he told the mom she ruined his life getting his drunk underaged and basically molesting him and trapping him into taking care of a child he didn’t want . He still wouldn’t care is she left the state today and put him on child support he would be perfectly fine with that . But since the child is here he’s trying to be a good man .

Which part of that means I

Which part of that means I have to accept a child I don’t like again and why .?

I encourage their relationship with each other I just don’t want any parts in it so I don’t see how he won’t be being a parent to both of them they don’t even have to be raised together at all for that to happen .

i will not, I don’t really like dealing with other people’s kids as it is and I flat out don’t like the little boy which this site has helped me realize that’s ok and I don’t to . Because I can disengage lol .

Ive already accepted that not trying to keep them apart at all not sure where you got that from . I encourage their relationship with each other never been any different even despite my feelings towards the kid . And no he doesn’t have to be apart of my life because he and dad aren’t even that close either and I don’t expect anything from the kid at all .

Why should I leave my relationship no sorry the family I’m building with this man , for a child that’s not that important and force my child into a co parent situation like his is over an accidental baby that wasn’t planned and he was .? I think NOT . He already has one co parent situation he doesn’t need two and his kid can’t break us up .

Never said I would talk bad about the kid to mine so I don’t know where the poison-comment came from .? Why do you people keep thinking that he will hate me behind this kid that is so hilarious to me lmao . Does that actually happen in the real world .??? I love my dad to death and he never got any of us together . We didn’t even go thru him to find out each other existed lol . If you truly think my kid will hate me because of that I think you’re crazy and I think to hate someone behind that is weak af lol because I just don’t see how lmao . And I don’t see my son being the type to let something small like that affect him he won’t be built weak like that being raised by me and his dad . He will be able to brush a lot of stuff off . And he’ll have other siblings as well so why would he hate me his mother behind this other child .??? Lmao

and if the universe permits we’ll end up moving out of state in a few years and leaving the kid here any way . *fingers crossed*

While I generally think that

While I generally think that sibs (half or otherwise) should be raised to be close, in blended family situations that is far too often not happening for any number of reasons. Mainly due to the differences in how children are raised in their respective homes and families.

In the case of my son (SS-26) and his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas, they have almost nothing in common beyond the shallow and polluted half of their respective gene pools.

For my son, his mother diffentiates him from the rest of his sibling generation. While the Spermidiot is beyond description a waste of skin and a complete piece of semi human shit..... unfortunately for my SS's younger sister and two younger brothers... so are their mothers. BM#2 (Half sister's mom) is a party queen who smoked like a chimney and partied like road whore during her entire pregnancy with my son's sister. His younger sister suffers from fetal tobacco syndrome which includes birth defects of her hands and feet. The mother of the two youngest boy's (BM#3) abandoned them to the SpermClan and they are both sporting criminal records and continue to pursue the Spermidiot's dream of being POS gang bangers and to join either the Crips or Bloods.

Though it makes me sad that his sibs have not had the preparation for a quality life that my son has had.... neither his mom nor I were willing to sacrifice his future by tolerating excess exposure to his SpermClan or his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs. During a couple of periods of excessive SpermClan whining about CS the unfair differences between my SS's life and the lives of his three younger half sibs we offered to adopt all three of the half sibs. You would have thought we threatened to kill them with the way the SpermClan reacted to the offer.

So.... nearly two decades +/- after we made the adoption offer .... SS is kicking ass in his life and career while the other three are struggling and the youngest two are in and out of jail on a fairly regular basis.

Your situation is even more challenging IMHO. With the surprise nature of SS's existence and your SO not learning of SS's existence until SS was 5yo I can understand your concern on how that will impact your own child and the life you and SO were planning pre SS surprise.

I would recommend that you take a measured path forward. Test the waters of engaging with your SO in being not only his equity life partner, as he should be for you, but also as equity parents to SS-5 when he is in your home. Raise your own child together with structure and household standards of behavior and performance. Hold SS to those same standards.

If SS will not perform to standard then do what you must to minimize the impact of that on your own child and family. Both you and dad have to be ready to protect your own child and not sacrifice him to the guilt that SO may experience over the existence of SS-5 and the differences that will invariably be in play between the life of your child and the life of SS.

It is a difficult situation. But as the mother of your own child you must do what is best for your own child and not alow his future to be sacrificed over his father's surprise eldest. Do what you can for both of the kids... but err on the side of protecting your child's future.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Spermidiot haha that’s a good

Spermidiot haha that’s a good one lol. Thank you. Beside the fact that the SS told me i can’t be his step mom an that my son wasn’t related to him when I was trying to attempt to open up to the situation I guess I can try at some point I just have to warm up to the situation but it might take a lot of time on my end . I’m just ready to disengage that makes me happy just letting SO spend time with his son and doing my own thing . Weekend visits annoy me tho ughh

This is so true

and I see it with my DH’s kid, I see huge differences between by daughter and the boy.

He does not do anything very bad for the moment, but he is spoiled, he spends his life breaking one toy against another and does not value things, clothes or other people. When he doesn’t get something, he falls down and screams until he gets it. He is late at school comparing to other kids, with language skills, writing, counting and so on. He doesn’t help at home, not even to bring a plate from the dining room back to the kitchen.

My daughter started to talk when she was under 1yo, she now speaks two languages. She helps me with the plates, she values her toys.

And from one side I know it is not the boy’s fault if he is the way he is. And I know that my daughter is the way she is because of our education and envolnment.

Naturally, we have friends that are alike us. Their kids are my daughter’s friends and they all have more or less same social status and education. And they are much closer to her than the boy. So be it.

As you already mentioned, you adopted your SS and I think this is the best possible solution. I also offered to do the same and raise him as a mother . Well, no one wanted it to happen. So now for me he is “a boy”, not a SS, no nothing.

I am not willing to have in my house a kid that is raised in complete opposite of my values and standards. And I am not willing to expose my daughter to those standards that I myself do not tolerate.

I understand and kinda

I understand and kinda understand from a different perspective. I don’t really bond with anyone’s children . Except my nieces and nephews and I don’t even have a bond with all of them because some of them are just spoiled little brats with bad attitudes that feel like nobody can say or do anything but their mommy lol .

Honestly- if you 'planned'

Honestly- if you 'planned' this pregnancy after knowing the 3 yr old was there...this is on you. What the BM did was horrible. IMO if you don't try and find dad w/in the first 6 months of life it should not be allowed to go hunting him down after. I despise women that do this, it should be criminal and either dad is entirely 100pct off the hook-not allowed to contact him or she should lose custody entirely.

That said, laws are what they are and your dh could have chosen to not be a part, but he did...and then you two decided to have one together? You got the raw end of the deal as you met him as child-free....but after he showed up you should have bolted knowing how you feel and not go on to plan to have a kid with him.

EVERYBODY is going to suffer now- because why? Trash BM is why....dads' relationship w/his first son is permanently affected because of lack of bonding during infancy....dads' relationship with you is affected, dad's new family and new child is affected, his firstborn is affected from not having dad around all this time. THIS IS WHY women who 'hide' the fact they have a kid should be jailed, fined, lose custody or lose any right to ever approach the dad and ruin everybody's life....personally I think they should be beat and thrown to the sharks these nasty ass trash bm's.

Nope got pregnant before we

Nope got pregnant before we knew and it wasn’t my job to be focused on some one night stand maybe baby that wasn’t asked for nor wanted like my son was

Bm was a whore sleeping with

Bm was a whore sleeping with anybody who would let her that’s how he basically put it to me and she suduced him as a minor when she got pregnant so she’s also a pedophile . You’re time line is a little off tho my SO didn’t have anything to do with the child and didn’t even care to find out until (neither did she ) I asked for a DNA test and it came back positive and I was already pregnant at that time . There is no new FAMILY just a new Kid lol she ruined our life and he feels the same way but the kid is his so he’s just trying to make sure the kid knows who he is

Again, although your

Again, although your intentions aren't 100% the best, all that you can do is raise your child with all of the force and love that you could possibly raise your child with. Take him places, show him things, get him involved in your hobbies. The stepson isn't necessarily yours to raise, it's out of your control. If you play a large, positive, loving role in your own sons life, he will reward you with loyalty (ideally). If he see's you're uncomfortable with his half-brother, he'll probably also be uncomfortable with your half-brother. It's really simple child psychology. You don't need to tell your son that his half-brother is bad, you'll unknowingly give off those signals yourself, which your own son will pick up on.

I dont plan on down talking

I dont plan on down talking the kid . It’s like any events for him I won’t be going and neither will my son unless I’m at work or something and he’s with his father and he takes him with him . I just won’t be encouraging them to act like siblings at all . If they do build a bond it will be because of my child’s father but my son will never see me encouraging it

I am following

I am following exactly the same strategy. Do not see why I would assist on boy's events. I do not come for his birthdays, first day at school and so on.

In my case I have a very good excuse : distance and price of the tickets. It costs around USD 400 bp to go visit ILs where the kid is living. So I simply made a calculation, we already go there twice a year, so it is 800, plus renting a car, another 200, plus renting a hotel for two nights 400 in total and some gifts for the ILs etc. USD 1500 is already wasted for a trip I do not want to go at all.

And I will not waste an additional penny to assist on any event for him or any other individual from DH's family. Our family already spends 800/month for my DH to visit the kid plus CS. More than enough, from my perspective.

You’re so lucky I wish they

You’re so lucky I wish they lived far away lol

.

Outside of being selfish, why

Outside of being selfish, why would you set out to decide that your son will not have a close relationship with his half-brother? How would allowing the opportunity for them to have a good relationship not be in your son's best interest?

Your boyfriend's son is a completely innocent child, just as your son is. Your boyfriend and his ex are the ones responsible, but the kids are the ones you're targeting.

You don't have to go to parties and celebrations, but that doesn't mean your bf can't still take your son to them.

As a parent, why would you not want to give your child every opportunity to develop good, close, healthy relationships with their family members? You don't have to accept your bf's son as your family, but like it or not, he is your son's family.

It’s not his ex she was a one

It’s not his ex she was a one night stand they never had a relationship of any kind

I mean, obviously they had a

I mean, obviously they had a sexual relationship. Short, but it was long enough.

Whatever type or length of relationship they had, they have a child together, and that child is your son's blood relative, and your BF has just as much right to determine whether or not his kids will be allowed to have a relationship. It's sad that you would let your insecurity and bitterness stand in the way of brothers being able to grow up together. I hope, as difficult as it may be, that you'll let them build a relationship as children so they'll have each other when they're grown. If you step in the way of it now, there's a really good chance that your son will resent you for it later.

Again ONE NIGHT STAND love

Again ONE NIGHT STAND love where I come from we don’t consider that any type of relationship we consider it a one night stand lol . And I don’t think I’ll get much fuss out of SO either. Like I said I can’t control EVERYTHING so I’m sure they will run into each other here and there and I will be working so my son will be alone with dad so I’m sure they will meet up just not too often. his kid only comes around every so often as it is . This child came into our life randomly and unplanned and we are not about to completely readjust our lives for his sake and my SO will not force my comfort in the situation . And I doubt it . I didn’t meet my half siblings until I was 15 years old and never held it harshly against any one. I was happy to meet them because I was an only child but that won’t be the case for my son because we plan on having more kids together . My baby probably won’t care too much about a lot of stuff growing up or let a lot of things phase him because me and his dad are the same way but you’d have to know us to understand how we are . We can just simply not gaf about a lot of things .... Sorry not sorry

If God forbid anything ever

If God forbid anything ever happened to you and your oh I think it would be very sad that your son wouldn't have his brother around because you didn't want them to be close.

I think you'll feel differently when your son is born though, I would wait and see how you feel then before worrying about this sort of thing.

My SO wants to have more

My SO wants to have more children with me so they would always have each other but if my feelings change great so be it . :D

I can only imagine how

I can only imagine how overwhelming this all must be. This came from left field and it's such a life changing time for you all. I do feel for the 5 year old and the fact that your BF is only in his life so he's not labeled as a dead beat. I hope this child's mother loves him with her entire being and that this new transition in his life goes as smooth and with the least amount of trauma as possible. It would be interesting to see how your BF will move forward once the baby is born and he has his oldest son over. I know this may not be the ideal situation for you but you never know what the future holds and what type of relationship your BF will allow for both his sons to have.

well mom only gets her son on

well mom only gets her son on weekends as well . The little boy is being raised by his who he calls his step mom (idk why he calls her that ) and his step moms girlfriend and after looking thru some fb pages I seen that they have actually had him since he was an infant . But I guess all the moms have some sort of close friendship or something . I’m not to informed about their personal parenting situation .

I feel sorry for that little

I feel sorry for that little boy. Neither of his parents care about him and both see him as expendable. I hope someone truly loves him.

Idk his mom to say if she

Idk his mom to say if she does or not but his step moms seem to love him a lot so he is loved I believe and really it’s all his moms fault if he does grow up feeling that way . She should have known who got her pregnant to begin with instead of searching 2 years later ultimately ruining my SOs life and family plans now he’s responsible for a child he never wanted to be responsible for *sighs* I feel bad for him too to a certain extent .

So you're telling me a woman

So you're telling me a woman who intoxicated and raped a minor who doesn't actually provide care for the child went looking for her rape victim for two years for...what exactly? Child support? How did the statutory rape issue not come up during court proceedings because her age alone would have set off alarm bells. Being a minor at the time of conception while she would have been an adult would have been cause enough for an investigation.

Something doesn't add up with this story, and not digging deeper on it may bite you in the arse later. You can be 17 in some states and consent to sex with someone who is "of age". If she was also intoxicated, then he also raped her even if he was a minor. I just have a hard time believing that a rapist would go digging to find their victim and establish paternity because that's really, REALLY risky. And I say this as someone with a family situation that has dealt in these murky waters of statutory rape.

Are you 110% sure your BF hasn't fed you a line of BS? I have a hard time believing anyone who was raped six years ago has not only managed to process that on their own, but also processed it well enough to plan to have a child with a SO. Even if he has worked to that point, I'd want him to get real counseling as my SO to make sure everything has been worked through, especially since he is having to interact with his rapist on a pretty consistent basis to see his son.

Also, if his son is a product of rape, why does he want him raised by a rapist? Has he detached that much from his Son? If so, why establish visitation with him and not just pay CS? A non-custodial parent DOES NOT have to exercise visitation, and if he can prove that he was a victim of statutory rape (easy enough to do with birthdays), then he could have a shot at terminating his parental rights.

You need to do some serious questioning of this situation and not just accept this for what it is. Something doesn't add up.

Idk she was looking for his

Idk she was looking for his dad or his other moms wanted to find his dad because he’s being raised by all women right now I’m assuming . He told her to get a dna test ,she didn’t want to do that because she was scared because the age difference and maybe she didn’t want to spend the money for a home test Idk. I do know he didn’t want to spend the money and then the kid not be his and he really wasn’t concerned about finding out anyway because he didn’t want the kid . (that’s not what he told me that’s what I know from their conversation) it never made it to court because she wouldn’t do it and said she was leaving the state any way so it didn’t matter. He didn’t want the baby anyway and she had other men to test still and was about to move out of state so she said so it didn’t matter anymore . ( I’ve kinda explained thise a few times already throughout this thread lol ) two years after we thought she left the state but found out she didn’t. I was already pregnant at the time we discovered he was still in town me and him already lived together so if he was around the child actively I would have know at some point. he had no contact with that child for two more years after all this conversation with her was had initially . He told me when he found out the kid was still here . I sunt him to Walgreens for a home test and told him to get the kid tested . (Why he doesn’t want To press charges idk and honestly I really don’t care maybe he doesn’t want to have to stand in front of a court and talk about it just like 1000s of other people who don’t me included . I’ve also been raped and didn’t tell the police or anyone but a select handful of people either for my own reasons so who knows and he has every right not to if he chooses not to .. people tend to not take stuff like that seriously I’ve noticed .They assume because youre a guy you wanted it or something like it’s all stupid really so idk why but that’s his past and his burden to carry just like I still carry mine.... so the courts still have no idea about this DNA test being done... I don’t think child support was the goal I think the kid having a father figure was the real goal rather it was bms goal or the women actually raising him Idk . And He's not being raised by her she only sees him on weekends she doesn’t have custody of him for some reason that I really couldn’t tell you and I really don’t think he’s thats concerned . I’ve said before that he’s only around because he feels obligated to the child not because he has some undying love for this child now that he knows he’s his it’s still not that serious he’s just trying to be a good guy because it’s out of his control and the kid is here now and my SO had his father in his life so since the kid is in the same city why not be somewhat apart of his life .? It’s not his fault that he got here the way he did ... You just haven’t seen the responses I was giving to the other people who also commented because all of this was explained already lol . He’s told the bm that she ruined his life he’s said that he wasn’t happy once the results came back but I guess the bottom line is my SO isn’t going to just not be there while they are in the same city which I respect him for and I encourage his relationship with his kid to the fullest . I do think he needs counseling but he’s not to fond of sitting infront of complete strangers talking about his issues with them he’s not that type of person .

So didn't want the kid,

So didn't want the kid, neither he nor BM wanted to prove he was the father, he isn't on the birth certificate, BM doesn't have custody, and he STILL won't go to court to get his rights or CS established??? And he doesn't love the kid who has two loving parents already???

He has every out possible outside not knowing this kid existed. Why on God's green earth is he stepping up to play (yes - play) Daddy if this isn't what he wants? Why would you push him to do a DNA test if it's not what you want?

Again, something isn't adding up in all of this, and if he knows he is Dad and he hasn't been paying CS through the courts, BM or the Step Moms could come back and totally screw him over financially by asking for CS back to when he knew he was Dad.

Now that he knows, he has an obligation to either fully step up and handle this like an adult or back out and hope to God it goes away. Straddling between playing Dad and not caring could seriously bite him in the ass, in addition to causing issues with his son (who will quickly learn that Daddy doesn't love him like he does his brother).

You're young and pregnant and not married into this mess. You can do what you want. But if you don't want this kid being dropped on your front porch or your BF being dragged to court in 5-10 years for back CS and college costs, he needs to settle this through the legal system now.

Idk if he loves the kid I’m

Idk if he loves the kid I’m sure he probably has some love for him now that he knows he’s his. He talks to the kids school and stuff so I’m sure he does but how much idk .

Because it’s his kid and he’s not a dead beat at heart maybe and because he got a positive test he wants to be somewhat apart of the life he created .?? I’m sorry does that not make sense to you because it makes perfect sense to me ?

Because I wanted to know I tried to let it go but I couldn’t I needed to know even tho they didn’t care. There was a chance he wasn’t and then we wouldn’t have to worry about the kid ever popping up again for any reason at any point in our lives . I needed to know for myself that’s why and I feel that’s a good enough reason . *shrugs*

yes we know she can go file at any point and if she does we have no problem with that or should we .??? child support doesn’t scare him he has money so that’s no issue at all but again I don’t see any of them doing that so what’s the point here I think I’m missing it ???? I’m thinking that maybe because we are young you thing that something like child support would intimidate us but it truly doesn’t at all .

How would he be able to just step down and pray it goes away after already getting a dna test he paid for proving it’s his . Sounds like you’re asking me why he just doesn’t choose to be a complete total dead beat to a kid he knows is his .???? Is that what youre asking me .? It that what you recommend he does .?

And again idc care how the little boy feels or if he gets hurt about anything it’s not my problem because he’s not my kid so oh well . I won’t feel any guilt for why he feels how he feels .

Again Child support is not a scary threat so if she does ok . And unless all 3 of his mothers decided they don’t want him anymore I don’t see why he would pop up on our door step one day .?? I would think that his mothers wouldn’t even be ok with that seeing as how they aren’t super close or at least I wouldn’t be ok with that . But he!! My mom shipped me off to me dad and I didn’t know him and if that’s the case me and him will split when that happens if he can’t find any where else for kid to go but I doubt it will so I’m not too concerned about it because why should I be right now .?

I don't think you're

I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying.

Look, paying CS month to month is easy enough. But when you have $60,000 in back support? And have to pay half for college that you didn't plan on paying? Plus back medical expenses? Those are things that your SO needs to get sorted through a court order sooner rather than later.

And I'm not saying he should be a deadbeat, but now that he knows, he has a responsibility to establish his rights (which he hasn't done - a drug store DNA test gives him zilch authority) so that BM and her partners don't pull your SS away from him. Or so he can get custody, since he is the bio parent and his rights trump those of the SMs, if something were to happen to BM.

Playing Dad without having the responsibility and authority is just playing, and it's a deadbeat move. He's giving himself an out, at the expense of his son, in case things don't go how he wants. That's not admirable, that's childish.

You don't have to give two hoots about SS, but you need to actively plan this out so that you and your child don't end up screwed, either. You put lots of planning into getting pregnant, and you pushed for your BF to find out if he was dad. Now you know and you can't close Pandora's box. I'm assuming at some point you're planning to get married. Have you thought about what happens if SS ends up on your front step after you're married? Are you prepared to divorce? How are you planning to save money for yourself if that were to happen?

Let's also add that your SO is going to have to split resources between the kids. Have you two talked about how much you're going to save for each child's college? How about how you're going to split medical expenses? If you're planning to buy a house, how will you feel if his kid needs his portion of the savings for the house because he gets sick or hurt?

You say you'll leave if he wants to take the kid in, but that's a lot harder to do when you are in love and your kid cries because they don't want daddy to leave. And when you don't want to split custody. It's not a "oh well, he can just go". It's not that easy.

Things could go 100% according to plan, but you've already experienced how it can go sideways really fast. Just letting this ride will only work for so long.

(No subject)

Those thing will only concern

Those thing will only concern me if I marry him traditionally , so that’s not really my issue right now and I’m not worried about it as of today at this very moment , and that’s IF the the child decides to go to college at all and IF he does ever get put on child support .

He’s perfectly fine with the co parent situation he has every one is comfortable between them as far as I know . We choose to keep the courts out of our business as much as possible unless they are needed where I’m from. . If something happens to his mom he would continue to live with who he lives with now his step mom and her girl friend and all the children over at that house he’s being raised with and they would continue to co parent like they are now which I don’t see an issue with. Something happening to the person (bm) who he doesn’t even live with and hasn’t lived with since basically ever from what I understand doesn’t automatically mean he’s coming with us . And they (bm step mom and girl friend ) know exactly how I feel about the child as well because I told them so I don’t think they would let that happen knowing that I don’t like him .

You’re assuming that’s what he’s doing but you have no actual proof to back that up just because he hasn’t went through the courts doesn’t mean those are his intentions and honestly it doesn’t seem like those are his intentions either . He doesn’t have to establish anything on paper for the child right now because he has free access to him when ever he wants . So there’s no need for that right now . We don’t run to the courts for custody unless the kid is being kept away which he isn’t . So I don’t think that’s really a responsibility as much as it is an option that’s pointless right now that’ll only put the government in the mix where they don’t need to be .

Why do you keep saying what if he ends up on my front step lol there’s a whole lot of people that are there to take him in if they need to before he would end up on our front step lol, and yes I will be prepared to get a divorce and he will know Ill divorce him if that was to ever happen because he can’t live with us or we can be married in two different households lol jk we will definitely get a divorce lol . I’m a woman so I’ll always have a stash for myself self and my son set aside if I need it and the wedding I want will help with that .

No because we aren’t saving for his child’s college. And we haven’t discussed a plan to save for our child’s either because we aren’t requiring our child to go to college . Yes good grades will be required in our house hold but college will alway be an option and not a must . (We have our personal feelings about college that I don’t feel the need to discuss here ) but I’ll bring up that conversation later on when I feel it’s a good time to bring it up . .

I’m sure the kid has something health care wise set up already he’s 5 so I know he’s been to a doctor quite a few times . So SO doesn’t need to worry about that either it’s not being required of him and like you said earlier he has no real legal obligation to that child to pay for any of that until she takes her self downtown to that court house and ask for a dna right .? so until that gets or if it ever gets done it’s not a issue.

If we are saving for a house that’s our house money not an emergency medical fund for his kid and if he decides to take his half (which would most likely be in my account because he doesn’t like dealing with banks ) but if he does he can take it and I’ll continue to save for the house and he can worry about replacing all that money he used or he can worry about where he will be living when I save up the rest since he gave up his half of the money for the house lol lbvs ( btw I do want to own a home one day but definitely not in this state and if we leave the state he will not be coming with us anyway )

Parents split every single day my son will get over it or he will just have to die hurt about it sorry *shrugs* he won’t be experiencing anything that millions of other kids go through all the time it’s life most marriages don’t make it anyway statistically speaking so he will be just fine he can go to counseling or something if need be .

But yes it is exactly that easy for me split custody if we break up .. which will probably end up just being school breaks because I really don’t want to stay in this state anyway if we do . I just left Florida a few years ago and would rather be there over Ohio , if we do split I plan on going back where the rest of my family is or California where my mom is . It is that easy for me it really because I’ll have tons of support when I leave the state . Yes my son will be hurt but again that’s life and he will adjust I’ll take him to the beach everyday until he feels better lol .

You clearly have it all

You clearly have it all worked out then. Best of luck.

I have chosen to completely

I have chosen to completely disengage from his child in order me ME PERSONALLY to have them bond I would have to also engage with his kid . Do you see how that doesn’t fit into my COMPLETELY DISENGAGE approach.? If they have any relationship at all it will be thru their father by his doing and his doing alone . But my child WILL not attend any events that that woman will be at like birthday parties or what ever because I refuse to have any of his mothers around my son and I don’t want to be around them or their family either I will always opt to stay home with my son . So as I mentioned earlier any contact dad will be the reason not me and I don’t have to even worry about them bonding for at least 1 1/2- 2 years because my son will be too little to even know what’s going on or to go much of anywhere while he’s that small . Ages 2 and up idek if me and SO will be together and if we so no need to stress that far ahead.

I hope your BF will be man

I hope your BF will be man enough to do what's best for his children. I'm not sure why you would say that they wouldn't bond before 2 years old. Infants start bonding immediately.

Infants should barely be

Infants should barely be leaving your home until they are around that age (and don’t ask why I have my reasons that would probably start a whole new debate lol) and yes they do with their parents at least in my case because the only local family I have is my SO so he won’t be around anyone else but me him and his baby sitter when we need her which is my aunt . (Not my real aunt just love her to death )

I would also

I would keep in mind hormones and all these feelings of becoming a mom for a first time. After your child is born it may change. Or not.

in my case it got worse. ILs wanted to bring him to the hospital when I gave birth to my child. Well, it was a private clinic and I explicitly asked security to allow my husband only. There were no ILs, no other people’s kids, only my husband, my child and myself. I didn’t let anyone come to my house before my daughter was grown enough.

And to be honest, my feeling towards my DH’s kid did not improve by any mean. It became worse. Before my kid I was ok playing with him, offering him gifts and everything. Since my daughter was born I realized all responsibilities that came together. And I didn’t want this spoiled kid to be around.

But I know people that became more tender towards their SKs once they had their own baby.

I would say wait and see. The most important is your child and you will figure it out, how to better handle the situation.

Yea I wouldn’t allow that

Yea I wouldn’t allow that either it will be just us our entire stay and I’ll make sure to let the staff know this is a private event no visitors lol . I’m not sure maybe my hormones do have something to do with it and if my feelings will change after our son is born that would be just fine with me . I’m 8 months so we will see soon lol . But as of right now nahh lol . I had stated earlier that I do like kids and see them as precious (NOT ALL OF THEM .!) & I don’t mind them but I really don’t do other people’s kids in general like I don’t baby sit peoples children or anything like that , but will always love the crap out of my own. Idk if that is weird or not but I’ve herd of people who just flat out don’t like kids and then have a baby and fall totally in love with their child lol . But yes you are correct my main focus is loving my son as hard as possible and I will do just that .! :)

So to confirm, is your H 22

So to confirm, is your H 22 years old now? Has he ever considered bringing charges against this woman? My apologies if I'm overstepping here just curious. Under these circumstances I imagine this can be very tough for all parties involved to deal with because of how the child was conceived. Do I understand correctly that the childs mother has a wife/girlfriend who loves the child?

Her SO was 17.. the age for

Her SO was 17.. the age for it to be illegal in Ohio is 16.. at 17..it wasn't illegal.

And.. a 17 year old certainly knows the consequences of having relations... He is giving OP big, bad excuses now about how he was coerced.. in reality.. I'm not sure that is what really happened... though he may regret it now.

how can an INTOXICATED MINOR

how can an INTOXICATED MINOR consent to sex with a 20something year old woman *sighs * now sit down and think about that . Like are you sick in the head or are you sick in the head .? I’m pretty sure any court anywhere would agree that an INTOXICATED minor can not consent to sex.... and the fact that my SO is the one who feels he was violated and wasnt within his right mind to consent to sex with her that claim would very much hold up in court Smh *sighs

i honestly now feel like you guys keep trying to down play the situation because he was a boy and not a girl because I’m sure if I was saying that a 20 something year old man got a 17 year old girl drunk and then had sex with her and got her pregnant people would be flipping s$&@ smh . And that’s sick that you don’t see it as a big deal because he’s a male but you guys say I have issues smh this is why men who are sexually violated don’t like to speak on it smh I can see why he probably didn’t want to tell anyone look at how you people are treating it as if it’s no big deal smh

Apparently the state of OHIO

Apparently the state of OHIO believes that a 17 year old CAN consent. Whether one or both of them were drunk at the time? That may mean neither of them were able to consent.

You believe your SO's version because that is the version that fits what you want to hear. That he didn't want to be with this person. In reality.. I don't necessarily think that is the 100% way it really went down.

In the end.. punishing this kid for the sins of their bio parents is really not nice. and I know you don't care..

I believe the conversation

I believe the conversation that was had between them that I seen for myself in black in white well blue and white because it was through fb . I believe her when she said she didn’t want to go to the courts because she was worried.

Well in reality you also where not there and it’s not your job to determine if he was telling me the truth or not about the situation because that’s not even what this post is about sonid appreciate if you guys stop trying to make my SO out to be a lier when he infact is not lying to me . I know the conversation they had and that’s all that matters what you people think is the truth doesn’t . But I am glad that you’ve seen that I truly don’t from this thread .

And even if he knew it was his son our entire relationship I wasn’t aware of that so that wouldn’t affect the way I feel now about the child I still wouldn’t be ok with him either way I’d be upset with my SO for not telling the truth but I’m still already pregnant dealing with this so what was going to change .? . And I’m not punishing him for what they did I simply don’t like the child and want nothing to do with him and my SO is supportive of my feelings so :) *shrugs* and even if he wasn’t my SOs kid and was someone else’s that I knew I probably still wouldn’t deal with him much at all because don’t deal with other people’s kids unless they are the sit down and shut up type which lets be honest most aren’t lol . :D

This is a very interesting

This is a very interesting topic for me. My DW was 16 when she had SS-26. The serial statutory rapist was 23 when SS was born. My DW was at least the third underage girl that he raped when he was in his early 20s. My DW was the only one who was saddled with the product of his shallow and polluted gene pool. Fortuneatly my bride's character and the environment and relationship she and I established toraise him within overcame the toxic genes and influences that his disgusting Spermidiot and the SpermClan represented.

Sure, at 16 my DW knew she was having sex and at some level by having sex she accepted the risks. However, there is a reason why the crime of statutory rape exists. It is to pretect the young from the depradations of the disgusting adults of zero character. My FIL would put a bullet at the feet of the Spermidiot any time he stepped on their property when he came to pick up SS when SS was a baby. I have always regretted that FIL did not just put a bullet in the middle of the forehead of that disgusting POS. That would have saved my bride and son from the influence of that POS and it would have saved my SS's three younger out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs from a lifetime of being the victim of that entire shallow and polluted gene pool.

While not illegal (in most states) not all 17yos are capable of progressing with a sexual relationship with an adult and being able ot protect themselves from the consequences of that decision.

I think that these relationships can be judged on a case by case basis. In the case of a 17yo who was manipulated to impregnate an adult who then hid that child for years ultimately springing the child's existence on the former child that fertilized that egg and nailing the manipulated former child for a lifetime of CS and angst.

As an adult I have had a couple of young lovers. I briefly dated a 17yo when I was 26. She pursued me. Knocking on my door at all hours of the day and night. After a short time I ended it. Three years after that I met my DW who was then 18. We have been married for nearly 25 years.

Many might take exception to those relationships. I would be one of them if the circumstances of those relationships had been an adult pursuing vulnerable young women. In my situation I was pursued by one, she was of the age of consent, and the other was also of the age of concent and had a child. We initiated that relationship together. The relationships were mutual..... and they were legal.

What the OP's SO's first baby mama did was just wrong though not illegal. Had the OP's SO been a year younger... the BM should still be in prison. Just as my SS's Spermidiot should be since my bride was not yet 17.

yes he is . I’m not sure why

yes he is . I’m not sure why he didn’t or doesn’t want to press charges I guess it’s something he delt with internally like men do sometimes . Maybe he would have if he knew back then that she had gotten pregnant by him or one of his family members would have . The child has a mother who he doesn’t live with and only sees on weekends but the child lives with what I believe are close friends of the child’s mother which is a woman and her girl friend . So the child says that he has 3 moms . Bio mom and two step moms . Because if some nasty things said we’ve never officially met I don’t even speak when we pick him up from either of their homes so idk and I don’t think SO cares enough to ask or at least he didn’t at first . He doesn’t talk about them to me do he may know but honestly idc enough to ask if he ever found out because I’m like the outsider in that situation anyway

I'm not really sure why you

I'm not really sure why you've come onto this forum with this? Because you're just shooting down anyone that disagrees with you and you've been very rude about it a few times. So I'm assuming you haven't come on here and started this thread looking for advice? Totally confused what you're actually looking for from this other than arguments.

Very strange.

My last post about not

My last post about not wanting anything to do with the child went extreamly well every one commenting was completely respectful and mostly understanding and provided me with advice to disengage which I knew nothing about before finding this site . And everyone on that post got the exact same respect from me in return because they were not harshly judging me at all . So maybe if it seems that that I’m being rude it’s because I thought this post would be a positive as that one but now I feel like you people are coming at me the wrong way with your opinions . I came looking for a place to not be judged harshly for feelings I have no control over . I came looking for someone who might understand so I may be able to discuss the situation with them just like with my last post . What i did not come for is harsh judgement and to be told that I’m a horrible person because you people don’t agree . If you don’t agree and can’t be supportive or at least respectful just go to a different post because if you choose to take this a an opportunity to give me backlash trust you will get my true feelings about your comment . And if you seen that then you must have seen that those who are showing me respect even if they disagree with my choice is getting that exact same respect back from me .

And I’m not sure how many of

And I’m not sure how many of you actually live in Ohio where I live but trust me when I say I know for SURE like for definite sure that you will go to jail for haveing sex with a intoxicated 17year old if they choose to press charges . I’m not sure if you guys are using google to look up your facts but honey I actually live here and know people who have been through this and did in fact get their victimizer a very heavy sentence in prison only difference is they were all females who pressed charges on him all legal consent age as well . Our courts here in my county don’t play that.! If they are under 18 and feel like they were violated and press charges you are going to jail period for messing with a minor even if they are 16 and especially if they are drunk because here the legal drinking age is 21 not 16 year old intoxicated minors can’t consent here I know that by hearing a judge say it their self while in court for someone else . I also have a male friend who got caught up with a 17 year old who decided to press charges on him and is in prison because a similar situation .

and none of this has anything to do with my child and his child being raised together which is why this post exist so can we please stay on topic and leave the If my baby daddy is lyingnor not and leave the back story alone now . If you want more info go read through the entire thread start to finish and I’m almost positive you’ll find what ever information you’re looking for but I don’t like getting stuck on being raped topic it hits home so skip it or I’ll skip your comment a together period . It was partially relevant to what ever I was talking about then but it’s not the main focus of this conversation

The age of consent

in Ohio is 16. If your SO was drunk then he was breaking the law by getting drunk. He regrets making a poor decision and having drunk sex. He was not molested or raped. And BTW a pedophile is someone who violates a prepubescent child, not an almost adult. It sounds like the mom was drunk as well so as far as that goes neither one could consent. Perhaps he should be in prison for drinking and violating someone who could not give consent. The reality is that neither could consent due to drinking not age. Calling the mom a child molester is ridiculous.

Also, fathers who have proven paternity or have signed paternity have rights per federal law. Period.

Hahahahahahabahaha all I can

Hahahahaha all I can do is LAUGH BECAUSE YOU COULDNT BE MORE WRONG .! But I like the fact that you sound like you know what you’re talking about lmaoooooo. Wish I could use my iPhones emojis on the post because that was just too funny I need my emojis to express how funny that was lmaoo . FYI : Fathers ain’t got no rights in this state until they go apply for them PERIOD.

And like I said I’ve been through that whole underaged process personally IN THIS STATE and again you’re WRONG but keep talking like you know something so I can keep laughing at you LMAOOOOOOO. You said by federal law.!!??? lmaooooo that’s how I know you have no idea wtf you’re talking about lmaooo . FYI paternity laws are different state to state stupid thats not a federal thing lmaoo they let the individual states make their own laws concerning things like that but I needed that laugh :

heres a little part of the laws here in ohio go ahead and look it up again LMAOOO you TRIED IT tho hahaha

: Father's Parental Rights in Ohio. ... In Ohio, if a child is born to an unmarried woman, she is considered by law to be the sole custodial parent. A father has no rights until he establishes paternity and obtains a Court Order granting him custody, shared parenting, or parenting time

here’s some links you can check it out for yourself lmao :https://www.splaws.com/blog/2014/10/fathers-parental-rights-in-ohio.shtml

https://www.grecoatlaw.com/fathers-rights/

https://statelaws.findlaw.com/ohio-law/ohio-custody-laws-for-unmarried-p...

do do some more research buddy lmao . I know what I’m talking about because I ummmmmmm LIVE HERE DUHHHHH hahahahah.

After reading all of your comments

the absolute best thing that could happen is for your SO to gain full custody of the child you are pregnant with and for you to get your tubes tied or be hit with sudden infertility. Yes it is harsh but you are just not a suitable person to raise children. Ever. You are selfish, cruel, and have beliefs that are a danger to your child and his BROTHER. As well as your SO.

Lmao don’t care about the kid

Lmao don’t care about the kid and his dad still loves the he!! Out of me knowing that which is all I care about . Take my baby HA he wouldn’t know what to do with a baby on his own and he wants a family with me and just yesterday told who ever he was on the phone with he plans on having a few more with me as well so clearly your feelings and his are very very different . Aww poor baby sorry you feel that way my reproductive system is young and healthy and ready to have more babies .! YAY lol . As long as my SO loves me what you think doesn’t matter ..** SHRUGS ** lol

You are here

I don’t want to raise our son with his son .