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Funeral disaster

Suemm44's picture

im absolutely done. If I see bio mom in public shame on her, same with SD. I hope they rot in hell!!!!!

dh planned his fathers funeral for like two days, called people to come to viewing for over 10 hrs. He was so drained. FIL was pretty involved in the community.

we have seen his dad through two surgeries , two nursing homes, the man stayed here at my house even. And no one really came to see him when he was here. Dh even asked his kids to. SS did finally after 4 months and came in, of course never spoke to me. I’m like whatever

 

so FIL goes home after a few months. And son moves in to take over and take care of FIL. But FIL refuses to take medication. So, there was a rapid decline. And I know many times we told  family he’s not going to make it to next holiday.( it’s like everyone is hearing me but looking at me like I’m crazy ) fast forward ; , I get jumped by two relatives on two separate days back to back at fil house.  He’s dying right. . And I find myself leaving father n laws house each time just one week ago. I’m just in awe. The man can’t die in peace I tell you.

so, hospice comes in and I think he got relief. I am still saddened of course. I was there when he died.

why I’m done and I don’t care if SD or BM rot in hell is....

viewing, sd never comes near me. I don’t care. She gives me absolute daggers over n over. Looks like she’s definitely plotting a plan. ( back up slightly she comes over when f.i.l took his last breath. And comes in laughing and talking loud like it’s some party. I see dh by her two sheets white. My heart breaks for him ) sd finally asks him do you need anything. He says no I just need the woman sitting in that chair. I was talking to hospice nurse. She was filing paperwork ect ) ok back to viewing... 

 Some ex sister n law shows at viewing and stares me down 15 minutes. Staring ! I’m like yep they’re planning 

day of funeral yep the slob came, BM. I absolutely freak out !!!!!  You know , She’s stalked us for 5yrs. Never liked father n law. In fact, hated the man.

suddenly I see sd and the new fiancé come escorting her around . Then I just grab the pastor across dh lap and grab his hand tight. I said don’t ask just start praying. I swear BM heard and waited for him to stop. I look up and I scooted forward put my feet square. And all I know my eyes were fixed on that slob. She had some weird thick black makeup, her hair was just nasty looking. And omg she was looking at dh and I swear she was lookin sci-fi right at dh. My whole body clenched. If she opened her mouth it’d been all over. Sd seen me just glaring tugged her arm and said come on mom. 

so, what does she do sits on opposite side in the front row.

the pastor keeps saying does anyone want to say anything. Dh kept whipping his head and I felt his tension. It was so awful. ......... I can barely type this 

so, I have a full blown anxiety attack. I’m assuming bc of stressful events before the death and now this. I can’t breathe. So, I take off from my seat. I try to catch my breath. The pastor comes bk. And starts asking me about the BM . I go over and over facts she doesn’t need to be there and that’s she done nothing but stalk us and manipulate people . Dh comes bk to see if he can calm me. At this point I’m saying I’m sorry over and over. So, I just say take me home. He drives me home.

he catches the end of the services . BM has enough nerve to come up to him. You know it’s all about her.

he says go in the hallway. She says no. Then she just stands by him talking. He said I can’t believe the nerve of you. You hated my dad and I spent a lot of money getting rid of you. I got rid of you bc you think it’s all about you. 

‘She said, you’ve lost your mind. (Ok. Crazy psycho B. Wow.) 

im so shaken by all of this. Dh admits his son Called him day before and said she might come. And dh said she better stay out of sight.

they set us up. I tell you they set up my dh !!!!

sister n law brought pics for viewing and they had ex BM in 5 pics. Then two on a sliding big screen. After I seen them I stared at her and she looked to be gloating. I tell you I’m done with multiples right now. How flipping rude as H!!!!!!

i truly feel so sorry for my dh, he didn’t deserve none of this. Maybe now he will see the light . He’s just too nice, too forgiving of his bio kids. The daughter and bio mom planned the entire thing. It was intentionally malicious planned shit fest. 

‘Yesterday we were just beside ourselves. 

‘I guess he said they all went to eat n didn’t say nothing to him. We went bk to the funeral home after everyone left. We spent time saying goodbye. I felt so bad.

we end up going to eat two hrs later.

well oh well.... I see a brother in the forum , I see and I also turn. Dh , waved but no response. This is the one married to the picture idiot I mentioned. Nobody came up to us as we waited. Dh notes this. I said to him again they aren’t going to we were set up. 

Dh went home and curled up like a fetus on the couch.

our hearts are hurting yet we are just so livid too.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I am so sorry for your and your DH's loss.

Your DH obviously has thoughtless, insensitve jerks in his family. They are Toxic People. The only thing you can do with Toxic People is cut them out of your life.

Suemm44's picture

That’s what I have done. I want nothing to do with these hcbm lovers !!! Hcsd , hcss lovers too. 

‘All we wanted was peace and closure for his dad 

Survivingstephell's picture

This is my worst nightmare!  I am so so sorry this all happened.  These sickos really know when to strike to hurt the most.   

(((((hugs)))))

Exjuliemccoy's picture

How awful. I'm so sorry you and your DH had to go through this. Please cut these people who don't wish you well out of your life, and be kind to each other as you grieve.

There's a lesson to be learned here, STalkers. When planning a funeral and dysfunction exists, be sure to arrange for security. Funeral directors have seen it all, and can be a big help. Or if you have some big burly friends who can handle themselves, position them at entrances with instructions to throw the trash out.

We had to do this when my DH's son died (his son with BM1.) Crazy BM2 said she was coming to the funeral despite being told to stay away. DH's brother officers were watching the doors, ready to escort her off the property.

Suemm44's picture

I learned the day this happened that his son called him the night before. I didn’t know this. He said he told him he doesn’t want her there and if she knew what was good for her she better sit in the bk quietly. I feel a. His son is to blame. He should have been at the door and stopped it. The daughter was behind it. Never once did she console her grief stricken father. She just paced around glaring at us. I prayed to god that hcbm white trash wouldn’t show !!!

ESMOD's picture

Your dh left his own father's funeral?  That sucks.... too bad there wasnt some private room you could have gone to to remove yourself from the stress.  

Suemm44's picture

Oh I left. I begged people to get her out of there. He finally took me home. I couldn’t breathe and I became inconsolable. I had been through the ringer with these clowns. How dare anyone waltz into a funeral who has been nothing but a stalking psycho path. He went bk after I asked him too. Then we went bk and spent time alone with the father. No one has the right to do what she did. Even the father n law hated her. She’s bile trash 

Suemm44's picture

I left bc it was too much. The funeral was about a life lost not them and their agendas

ldvilen's picture

After what went down at SD's wedding approx. 4+ years ago, I realized that funeral step-hell was just as much as a possibility too.  https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/adult-stepchildren/any-funerals...

Goes without saying that if you are relagated to the back of the church alone, not allowed in any pictures, or subjected to watching BM walk arm and arm down the aisle with your DH sans permission from either him or you, even tho. 20 years may have gone by by then, the funeral isn't going to be much different,  BUT, thanks to Step-talk, I'm much wiser now and when I chose to go to any family event, I always just assume it could be a #!$# disaster.  People can plan and make side arrangements all the want, but the one thing they can't make or predict is my reaction.  And, since nothing, for me, could ever top how I was treated at SD's wedding, I would absolutely have no problem telling any of 'em to go to H- at this point, and to their faces, then I'd walk out and get a taxi or something.  Wouldn't even matter if Mr. Minister was there.  

And, you may very wll be correct, "They set us up. I tell you they set up my dh !!!!" Why in God's name SKs, other famly members, etc. don't realize that when they piss all over dad's wife (SM), they are pissing all over dad too is beyond me.  It just shows how messed up some families truly are.  It really bothers me and it will to the day I die that BM and bio-dad get divorced, are to move on, they then remarry, and every one goes around acting like the spouse they remarried is THE one who is supposed to be making all of the accomodations--yep!--making all of the accomodations for somehone else's divorce.  Maybe if you're both divorced and remarried, I can see it making some sense in a backwards sort of way, because then you are both getting screwed.  But, if you are never married and you marry someone with children--Holy Hanna!--are you going to get belittled, scapegoated, and ripped off 3 ways 'til Sunday.

There is such a lack of common sense from most people when it goes to the trmt. of SMs, it is beyond belief.  I mean, simple concepts, very simple concepts, like husband and wife expect to be treated like husband-wife even seem to be lost on so many!!  Just remember that, and the next time someone tries to degrade your relationship with your DH, give it back to them 10 times over.  You have to look at it as you are, an experienced, well honed SM genius who is going to enlighten the low-brow SM ignoramuses on what being dad's wife really means, and it means not taking any low-brow crap from adults whom should definitely really, really know better.

Suemm44's picture

That’s right. I’m done with SDSS. I won’t go ten feet of them. And really this takes the cake. I’m done. They want to be AHoles then go on then. I have no use for ppl with hidden agendas. Their spite was more important then being human beings. No class , no love, no peace, psycho BM drama. His family members made some real sloppy mistakes and I don’t like sloppy people.

dh said to me ok now I get it. They are trying to hurt you to hurt me. I’m like bingo. 

Rags's picture

Time to take off the victim hats and for you and DH to go on the offensive.

I understand the grief.  Grieve and plan.  Their demise. Proverbial demise of course.

My condolences to you and DH on the loss of your FIL.

Rags's picture

I am glad to hear that they are a write off for you.  You tolerated far more than I would be inclined to tolerate without direct ass bared confrontation in public.  Even at a funeral.

Suemm44's picture

Well, I surely am heart broken for dh. He’s come home from work two days, curls up in the fetus position. 

‘Like he said if any of them A holes were sorry they’d knock on my door or call me directly and apologize.

but that day won’t come bc ppl like that aren’t sorry. And frankly I told him just reach for the people who have been kind to us. The 200 ppl who came to the viewing hugging us and loving us. I didn’t see anybody sit next to us . A pastor came up at the funeral after nobody else did. He said can I sit and console you ? I don’t know him but he is so appreciated for that.

i will never ever allow his monster children in my home. I’m so done. And I appreciate the people here who gave me kindness. Until this happens to you directly you will never know how awful. I physically felt sick over this horse shit. 

‘I thought my own family is hideous when my parents died . I guess they’re no different !!!

ESMOD's picture

Look.. people can be very awkward around people who have suffered a loss.  They don't know what to say.. they don't know what to do.. if they DO say something.. it can be the wrong thing. People think that the person grieving wants their space etc...  there is no way they can read your mind on that.

And.. to be honest.. the fact that you obviously were having a melt down probably didn't help the situation.  Don't mean to be too harsh about it but this was your husband's father and because you couldn't hold it together and ignore the aholes.. he ended up having to take care of you when it was HIS day that he should have been able to grieve for the loss of his father.  I know you suffered a lot at their hands, so to speak.. but in situations like this.. you could have either taken the bull by the horns.. approached the person in charge to have the BM evicted.. or you call her out yourself.. or perhaps you the quietest thing to help your husband and just ice them out.. ignore them.period.  stare right through them as if they aren't there.  I have had to be around people that I detest and that's the best way to get to them.... ignore their existence.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you're concerned about respect, then start by simmering down and putting yourself in check. There is zero  reason for you to be so disrespectful and profane with ESMOD. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry... I haven't walked in your shoes. I just think I wouldn't have wanted to 1. Give them the satisfaction of seeing me upset and 2. It meant your dh felt he had to leave his own dad funeral...but in the end...she was wrong to come knowing it would cause problems...but of course that was their point.

ldvilen's picture

I don't know ESMOD.  In these types of situations, it is far too easy for people to underestimate the absolute and utter shock.  You feel afraid and you are not thinking straight.  Sure, maybe now I know better, or profess to know better, but when husband and wife attend an event together, they expect to be treated like what they are--husband and wife.  This is an innate assumption or feeling that DH and SM have, just like any other married couple or long-term SO--that they will be treated like a package deal.  Thus, when you and your DH attend an event, doesn't matter which one, and you are clearly being marginalized and treated like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe (it doesn't even really matter if it happened similarly before), it is very difficult to put words to those feelings of shock, fear, betrayal, and despair.  I mean, these are people who you thought loved you and your DH, or at least cared for you and your DH on some sort of level.

Despite their best efforts, not everyone can hold it together when the shiatsu hits the fan, so to speak, nor should they necessarily be expected to.  The expectation is that people whom you are close to shouldn't be total a$$holes to begin with, regardless.  For a SM there is sucking it up and taking it here and there for your DH, and then there is totally and unexpectedly getting body slammed by DH’s relatives.  In the latter situations, you can't predict nor control your own reactions much more than if that literally was taking place--being mugged in public and everyone seemingly allowing it--because that is quite realistically what it feels like.  You try to keep it together, but fight or flight kicks in, and next thing you know, all hell breaks loose.  The issue is with the a$$holes who do this sort of thing and not with SM (or DH) who don't somehow manage to keep it together when they are undergoing an all-too public flogging by people they loved and cared for.

Suemm44's picture

Thank you. Finally someone who gets it. I was good with it, the last breathe, the hurt, the pain, but the sight of some ex who has no good standing with us prancing around and showing up with weird thick caked on eyeliner , looking like sci-fi creating a seen is too much.  Seems like to me some of these ppl commenting are hcbm too. 

‘But thank you I need some support not further trash talkers. 

‘Those ppl at the funeral that caused us extreme discomfort are scum. The positive is the other 200 ppl were cherished by kind words, hugs, holding my hand. Those other ppl looked like slobs, acted like slobs, and obviously I have something they don’t. I’ll be damned anyone on this board wouldn’t have some kind of sour taste in their mouth after watching father n law gurgle , and rattled in death for 5 days, then have all this other drama shit then another and another. It’s called scum who have no respect for the dead nor living. 

‘Call me what you want but I learned how fing mean and shitty ppl are even ones not blood related. Who wants to be around sloppy people. Who sat by dh ? Me. The other half of the couch was empty. Even SS sat on the other side of me either to try to be implicated in the nasty slob mom or to grab me if I headed her way. Ex hated the father n law she just wanted to be the “I” or “ me “ . And good for dh to say in front of everyone this isn’t all about “ you” #ha

Survivingstephell's picture

The way I read your story was that you were a long time victim of abuse from these toxic trolls and they picked the worst time to heap on more.   You broke under the stress.  Its that simple and complicated, long term abuse does that to people.  

Once again, so sorry about all of it.  

Suemm44's picture

It really played out that way.

i cried loudly just repeatedly saying, why can’t ppl leave us alone ?

(dh keeps telling me bc my ex said she will ruin me and she’ll never stop.)

when does it stop ? 

Im not even participating! I just want to be left alone. I put tight hard boundaries on her two children. It’s a shame bc I have children and had to have tight boundaries on my oldest for being abusive. Now I have two children not mine doing harm. But they are adults that’s not the same as small children. It’s a very complicated situation. But as long as I stay away from these damaged adults I’ll be ok.  I just want peace.  

still learning's picture

How rude of her especially after being told not to come or to sit in the back quietly.  I get wanting to pay respects to former IL's. my exIL's are getting up there in age and we are on friendly terms so I have thought about this scenerio, but I know for a fact that exH would not want me at their funerals and out of respect and not wanting to cause drama I would not go.  Though I would make a donation to a charity in their name and send a card to the surviving spouse with my condolences.  

I'm so sorry this happened to you and DH, it was highly uncalled for.  

sandye21's picture

"How rude of her especially after being told not to come or to sit in the back quietly."  Ex-wife had no business being there period.  If I put myself in the OP's shoes I really don't know if I could keep my cool either.  A sad, unnecessary situation all the way around.

Suemm44's picture

I do strictly believe she 1. Thought it her right bc she has two grown children by dh. 2. Wanted to be seen at funeral. 3. She’s obsessed with her ex hubs 4. The sister n law and daughter told her to go. 5. She wanted attention and drama. 

‘As far as I feel she’s a dumb ass 

MissDenise's picture

My husband has a ex wife from the 80's, lol. No kids, and they were married 3 years. She has been to 2 of our families funerals, and I just couldn't believe it. She's never bothered us, but it's embarassing. I've asked my husband to pass the word along to her to stop the nonsense,  but he refuses saying it's not a big deal. His other ex the mother of his son is the one that causes the most trouble. I had to tell her when she called once NOT to come to his mother's funeral, and she would be asked to leave. Thankfully she didn't.  This garbage is why more and more are refusing to co-parent with their exes. Instead do most of the parenting with their partner/spouse.

I think from now on your best revenge is cutting her out of your lives. If you have to see her somewhere act like she doesn't exist and don't get upset.  Or get security for those family events.  Your DH should have told the kids, she's NOT invited. You need to make sure DH is on board so another diaster doesn't happen. 

Suemm44's picture

For me , she was show boated all over the room by her soon to be son in law. Now mind you she’s all up his butt but teaches her children to spite me. Then she stops standing by dh staring like a psycho . I was staring at her and the daughter had to snap it out of her. She’s very lucky is all I can say just one word from her I would of been in so much hot water.  I’m stressed I tell you. Time has truly built things up following by so much b.s.

but after all this I’ve finally clearly thought this through. It’s now almost May and I’ve come a long way.

i know who is against us. And I know I must distance myself from those ppl.

i feel for dh. But this experience has shown him how crazy ppl really are. My oh my. He understands now how sick she is. There was a note in the obituary about donating money to a club grandpa was involved in. She just wanted to be a crazy loon and show disrespect. I’m surprised she didn’t sing a song up front.

i guess she further showed herself and stood with family on the end of funeral. How embarrassing. Dh went bk and he said he was so embarrassed, he said he asked her to leave twice and she yelled have you lost your mind. I really am glad I left there is no way I could of stomached this adult bully. I’m done with her. I pray I never see her once again. 

Suemm44's picture

I sincerely apologize to being upset at the whole money thing. I do know my brother is greedy and stole my inheritance. It is money motivated for his brothers and sister n laws. They went full blown bananas on us. We received continued back lashes and outrages from them.

ppl are so greedy. Terrible. 

Suemm44's picture

Final thought. Since funeral f.i.l I called him grandpa is still in limbo. Kind of strange but not surprised. He was cremated bc he had no funds and no life insurance. So they decided cremation was the route. Well, he is still sitting in a cardboard box in the machine shop. Nobody has said one word about what next. I’m going to talk to dh soon. We can’t just leave him a dirty barn. Nobody cares about him so we shouldn’t wait any longer. I feel really bad for grandpa :(((((

Rags's picture

A good friend of mine that I had hired at three different companies hauled both of his parents around in the back of his car on several moves and stuck them on a shelf in a closet at several places he lived.  After I left the last role where he worked for me he resigned and began a several year quest to visit all of the US National Parks.  He would route between parks and tour National Cemeteries.  Both his dad and his mom were WWII veterans.  Eventually he selected a National Cemetery for them and had them interned.

My DW's aunt has her husband on a mantle in her home and my FIL is on the entertainment center at my MIL's home.

The demise of a loved one can be something that people freeze up over dealing with past a point.

ldvilen's picture

I agree.  But people also have to remember that if you pass and someone comes across a dusty old urn-looking thing with a bunch of dirt in it (that's how they'll look at it), it's going in the garbage.  Future generations will have no desire to pass around great-grandpa's remains, and won't want to spend the time and money to do anything with 'em either.  If you didn't want to deal, why should they?  And, telling your kids and other family members about it, won't matter.  They'll forget and at some point accidentally-on-purpose wind up throwing grandpa out. 

A cemetery near us, just put in a communual cremation-remains "garden," where for a small fee, people can bring grandpa's ashes that were left in cabinet when granny died or similar.  It is pretty much a hole in the ground with a pipe leading to the top where the remains are dumped in.  To me, that would be the best case scenario for old remains.  Otherwise, they could so easily wind up in the garbage or being used as fertilizer, or . . . tea anyone?

Suemm44's picture

I know but they’re more worried about grabbing things to sell then hey let’s bury grandpa. I imagine bc they want us to pay to bury him and I know they don’t give a flying flip. The only ones who care are the two of us. I mean grandpa is in safe keeps but he needs a burial 

Britmum's picture

This is truly awful. I suffer with anxiety too so can totally sympathize that when an anxiety attack takes hold it is pretty much out of your control and support is needed.

Although it won't change what has been done by the scummy ex, have you and your DH considered having a small memorial service or meal with just your nearest and dearest. Keep it private and create some more positive memories of your last good-byes.

Don't give them the satisfaction of having a lasting effect on your final memories.

Suemm44's picture

Well after the funeral it took a couple of hrs we ate. Idk if I mentioned it but we looked over and the 2 brothers 2 sil.stood at same place to eat , glared and didn’t even smile at us.  When dh looked at me I said idk about you but this is only the beginning grrrr

Suemm44's picture

P.s.s

i don’t even think it was anxiety but more stress related. I mean a person can only have so much upon their shoulders I’m only human 

notasm3's picture

OP - I hope you and your DH have found peace since this travesty last year.  I totally understand your freak out. After the hideous home invasion by SS34 and his GF 2+years ago,I totally lost it over their possibly showing up at an in-laws event (who did not know about it).  I just freaked out and could not get out of bed until I was sure they would not be there when we went. 

Now a couple of years later I could handle it - but I still wouldn’t guarantee that I might not go off on them if they came near me.  DH has 4 married siblings ( all lovely people). Two know the details. He also has several cousins, aunts and uncles (most younger than I am) who know nothing about what happened.  I do not feel the need to go spread the word, but would not hesitate to do so if questioned why SS and the GF were banned. 

My DH is almost a decade younger, but his parents died young (53 and 62) while there is longevity in my family.  No guarantee on who will go first. 

But if DH predeceases me he wants to be cremated with no big funeral.  I would hold a memorial service at our lake home (DH loves it here) and ss34 would be banned.  He could hold his own memorial service if he wanted to  

DH’s cousin (6 weeks apart in age) died recently.  He lived about 900 miles away so very few relatives here will be able to attend the memorial where he lived  We will be holding a second memorial (at our lake home) in his memory for those who cannot make the trip  

 

Suemm44's picture

We are still going through things. More details in my other topic the wedding"

 

the sd is a very high conflict person as well. Like mommy like daughter I guess.

 

i think when grandpa is buried and this wedding is over then there can be some more healing .

i believe with growth there must be healing so by year end we should be ok.

 

my health is not good. I have 8 breast cysts and I know by week end I’ll be having a cat scan again. I just hope they find nothing . 

Suemm44's picture

In conclusion after we talked over supper last night, we both had nightmares last night. He said his was of his dad suffering and the funeral. And mine was a scary nightmare of SD wearing a red dress and dancing to rap music followed by my ex as twins!!! And I said to one of them so which one of you is my ex? He said neither. He said we are the grooms uncles. Omg !!!!