Manipulative Teen Stepchildren
I can’t stand one of my SSs. He is enmeshed with BM, so is constantly telling her everything that goes on in our house. He is also a liar - he always has been, it just used to be little things, like cheating at games and blaming others, now it’s big lies like telling BM that I take his phone away when he is talking to her because I’m jealous.
He also regularly throws temper tantrums even though he is a teenager. He is particarly likely to do this when he is embarrassed or gets in trouble for something. BM is the same way - nothing is her fault.
DH wanted to throw a birthday party for him and his brother the next time they are with us. We were going to have it at a place that requires parental waivers and also a list of names upfront. DH has asked this kid for his list of names multiple times and he tells DH, “this is an adult matter, you shouldn’t be speaking to me about it.” This is coming directly from BM and we are in the midst of a contentious mediation. I’m mad at the kid though because why does he have to try to pull this drama in himself. He’s now a teen, so he knows what he’s doing. He is constantly crying to DH, “why do you hate mom?!” No matter how many times DH says, “I don’t hate your mother and you don’t need to worry about our relationship because we both love you.” The kid persists. It’s as if he has to have DH say, “your mother is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She is the most wonderful person on earth.” It’s to the point where we have constant drama every time this kid is around because he has to try to involve his mother in everything.
He regularly texts her saying he wants to go home because DH was yelling at him and then she sends DH a bunch of nasty texts saying that it’s traumatic for SS to be at our house. I’ve also seen some of the texts and he’s not even being honest about what’s going on. He acts as if DH just yells at him over nothing, which is far from the truth. He gets away with being a total jerk and only gets yelled at if he really crosses a line (the last time it was beating the crap out of his brother). He’s just looking for the drama.
I’m so sick of being around this kid. I feel like I can’t tell him to stop being a jerk - even when he’s being a jerk - because then I’ll hear from BM’s lawyer. I feel like a prisoner in my own home when he’s around. I actually wouldn’t mind if he stopped coming around. He’s BM’s spy and also brings all of BM’s drama into our home every weekend. I’m so sick of it.
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Comments
This is parental alienation.
This is parental alienation. Take heart, I'm sure he will start refusing visitation by the time he's 15. My SS did all or most of these things, and he didn't speak to DH for over 3 years.
He's being manipulated by BM. I do know how hard it is to not blame the kid for this, because I'm still angry at my SS and he's 19 and back in DH's life now. But really, this is about BM's need to control. DH should read up on Parental Alienation.
I’ve read a lot about it and
I’ve read a lot about it and it’s definitely alienation.
If only the public and the court system was more familiar with it and not biased towards crying mothers who claim to only be trying to protect their children.
Women abuse, too, even if they rarely use brute force to do so!
Well there's not a lot you
Well there's not a lot you can do but be consistent. We had same issue with OSD when she was 13 and by 14 she refused to come to our house. Because she 'got yelled at sll the time', for appropriate reasons and not even yelling but stern talking to from DH. She omits her part in the drama of course. And she didn't like that we went into her room, you know, to check it for rotten food, moldy towels, dirty dishes, etc. And BM could do no wrong, and BM believed only the teen, not the adult. So that was a fun year.
Since then it's still not smooth sailing but OSD remains incommunicado except for our trip during spring break (she got what she wanted from DH and he's on her blacklist again of course).
So basically, keep your head up, maintain your stsndards, and be aware he may leave and there is not much you can do.
Same here. Whenever this SS
Same here. Whenever this SS says anything to BM, according to her, “he was totally sincere.”
When DH tells BM what this SS says to us, she tells DH that either DH is mistaken or DH is lying about their child.
It’s never a good scene when the adult in the situation has not emotionally matured beyond her teenage years.
I know just how u are feeling
I know just how u are feeling! My SD is similar. I do not want her to live just with BM as I refuse to have DH pay BM child support. BM is married and quite well off, it would kill me to have to pay her to further indulge and mess up SD. We currently have SD 1/2 the time and pay no support.
I pray for both of us to
I pray for both of us to remain calm during the teen years of our step-children.
DH has asked this kid for his
DH has asked this kid for his list of names multiple times and he tells DH, “this is an adult matter, you shouldn’t be speaking to me about it.”
I wouldn't have a birthday party for SS's ungrateful @ss after that comment^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Your DH needs to grow a pair
Your DH needs to grow a pair with this kid. If I had said something stupik like that to my parents. sheesh.
That's adult matters:
Buddy, I am asking you for the names of kids you want to invite to your birthday party. This has nothing to do with your mother. If you don't give me a list of names so that I can contact the parents.. well.. you will be having no guests.. no guests.. no party. got it?
That was my thought, too!
That was my thought, too!
With the pattern you have of
With the pattern you have of SS texting BM and BM starting crap with DH, this kid should have his phone taken away.
They are no longer allowed to
They are no longer allowed to bring their phones to our house. BM gets one call a day. You'd think she could survive being away from her teens for 48 hours, but she can't...at least when they are with DH.
When I met them, they were 8 and she wouldn't try to contact them at all when they were with DH. She would also regularly contact DH Sunday evening to say that he had to keep the kids through Monday because she missed her flight, had an early morning meeting she forgot about, had no heat at her house, etc. He would regularly take days off from work to accommodate her need to not take SSs back at the scheduled time.
It should be obvious to kids
If parents split up and divorce that its wholly inappropriate to demand their parents say they love the ex-spouse etc...
i since over 9 months ago refused to see sd’s, every visit they’d report on daily life with mum and stepdad when no one asked then they’d in front of me tell their dad what they told their mum about me, our kids and their dad.
there is no respect for boundaries and privacy and you don’t need to be spies for bio mum for everything but because they’re so brainwashed, they’re preconditioned by default to do this even with us... i refused to go and i told my husband he never says anything that in future at any meets we do not want to hear about your mum, this is our family time and your mum is not part of my family but he knows in saying that bio mum will go bat shit cray cray..
sd’s are non stop going on about bio mum this bio mum that and hubby has to fake smile through this torturous shit!! Its clear they are trying to make bio mum relevant to us and their dad so that i’m moved to the bottom... and shown my place.... my skids are all alienated, including ss20 who was court ordered to live with dad as he had sole custody.