How to get my relatives to quit asking about painful situation with SD
Long story as you can see it in my past posts. To summarize adult SD22 punishes her father for making me a priority in his life and has caused many problems that almost tore our relationship apart. Cussing me out when I had done nothing wrong to her (did it because she didn't like her dad doing something for me so she took it out on me when she was 19), then turned an apology years later into another session of arguing and insulting me and boasting she was putting the problems with her Dad and I on social media to get everyone’s opinion. I was done with her at that point and sadly she had an interaction with DH that upset him enough he won't even speak to me about it and told me he is no longer speaking with SD and to not bring it up again. That upset me but I respected his request.
I have provided some info to my family (they had met her several times when she was younger and nicer) as they kept asking about it in the past so they understand the bad situation . I feel it is very personal and painful and have asked them some time ago not to ask about SD (all it does is re-open old wounds and send my blood pressure and anxiety through the roof).
They did it again yesterday and it really messed up my relaxed mood. Inside my head I was so upset but remained calm and told them it is no better, the more they probed the more upset I became and then let a few more details slip of her more recent unreasonable and ugly behavior and then stated "don't know and don't care" when they wouldn't stop probing.
I would like to send one last text to them so hoepfully they will finally get it this time so it does not happen again. It almost ruined our mother’s day gathering (that I hosted and treated them too).
Basically I want to ask them to respect DH and I with this difficult situation and to not ask us about her again (and explain I understand they are curious), and that if anything changes we will let them know. Is this reasonable given the circumstances? I really want it to stop and don't feel they are being considerate of DH and I out of their own selfishness. I admit I think I have some PTSD from the situation with SD.
I think it's very reasonable,
I think it's very reasonable, since they can't seem to let it drop. Then, if they continue, start ignoring their questions about her and change the subject.
Do you think they are asking from a genuine place of concern or just being nosy? Either way, if you don't want to talk about it, you don't want to talk about it.
i think it’s a nosiness and concern
I appreciate you pointing out a possible point of view-I guess my first instinct is it pains me they care about someone who is so awful to me instead of worrying about me, only how it affects DH and SD. I have already explained once that it is painful. It is now more painful for DH as well. My family knows the problem started when she cussed me out and is not improved. Honestly it pains me further that they won’t take me seriously when I say it it too painful to talk about as if they care more about how SD is doing than me. I guess I just need to repeat myself each time.
I totally get this - I hate
I totally get this - I hate when my family says stuff about poor SD or is overly nice or concerned when shes awful to me. Everyone else already is all about the kid comes first, why cant my own family at least be concerned about me first? Normally you would at least have your husband on your team if someone is treating you like crap, but ofcourse you dont have your partner on your team with skids so it would be nice if someone else in the family was.
Actually DH is the only one
really on my team in this. DH’s family is against me because SD is “blood”. I could use more support from my own family
You can't control what others
You can't control what others do, you can only control yourself. There may be no way to keep them from asking. You just need to have a standard non-answer to there questions. "That topic is not open for discussion." If you tend to "let a few details slip" then your relative will keep pushing knowing that they will be able to get some information from you. If you let them know you are not going to discuss and then walk away if they keep pushing (or tell them you've got to hang up now if they are doing this via phone), then eventually they may get the message.
Very good point. I was
trying not to be so stern and come across as rude, but sounds like I need to be stern at this point. I wasn’t sure if I should try that now in a text message or wait to see it they do it again. Honestly so stressful for me when they do that.
Sounds like the time has come
Sounds like the time has come to say "Stop asking about dh and his blah blah".
Question is are you being purposefully silenced by dh or the 'court' not to talk about this stuff? OR feel silenced?
On the other hand I can see why your family wants to talk to you about everything. They care and want to really see how you are doing.
Since you report the circumstances with DH's kids are causing anxiety and high blood pressure--maybe your family is not the problem as much as staying in the marriage IS.. List OR think about the benefits for staying in this marriage. IS the benefit so high you are willing to decide to live like this?
(((HUGS)))) YOU DESERVE a sense of peace and harmony in your life. Sometimes you have to demand it and GRAB IT.
I do not want to discuss SD
at all. Honestly it pains me further that they won’t take me seriously when I say it it too painful to talk about as if they care more about how SD is doing than me.
I remember my own mother
I remember my own mother would probe for intelligence regarding our estrangement from YSD every. single. damn. time. I visited her. She lived an isolated life, loved gossip, and wanted all the gory details. I'm ashamed to say I finally blew up and yelled "I don't want to talk about this EVER AGAIN!!!" It shut her up, but definitely not my finest moment.
When people are overly inquisitive, sometimes it helps to position yourself as wounded and hurting. That way, only a complete jerk would press the issue. Perhaps try saying "That's such a painful subject, let's talk about something else"?
So sorry to hear that. I have let them know it is painful
which is why I don’t get them not be respectful of that.
I had a problem with family
I had a problem with family constantly asking about our SD situation (she decided to live with BM full time and DH allows it). I finally had to start telling them that I don't know, and they will have to ask DH. It is his kid, after all.
I am getting the feeling that
I am getting the feeling that the feelings are not coming from a place of deep and caring concern for you and your DH. I have a feeling they are more along the lines of "can we go past that gory accident a little slower so we can get a better view of the carnage."
I know.. you don't want to be a jerk but sometimes we just can't continue to be "nice" when others are being jerks about things.
I know these people are family... but they aren't being all that concerned about YOUR or your DH's feelings are they? They have to see how upsetting this must be to you.
I'm guessing that you want to target a few people that are the greatest offenders. But, unfortunately, most times when people try to put in writing these messages.. the messages get twisted and misconstrued.
So.. that means what can you do? Well.. first you try the standard reply given above. "That subject is not up for discussion". "I have nothing to share with you".. etc..
If people don't take "the hint".. and clearly won't listen to your request to leave the subject alone.. avoid those people.. I wouldn't include them in gatherings.. and perhaps even avoid gatherings where they wil be present.
Yes I don’t think they are showing concern
for my feelings which I think is why is makes me feel worse. Yes I just need to be firm or walk away is they don’t stop.
Start making up the most ridiculous things about your SD
Them: How is SD?
You: She joined a mountain expedition as a baggage carrier.
Them: How is SD?
You: Eaten by alligators.
It doesn’t matter what you tell them. They aren’t listening to you anyway.
Haha-love your humorous answers!
!!!!!
Turn it back on them. They
Turn it back on them. They ask, you respond with another question. "Why would you ask when I've told you it's a painful subject/that I don't want to talk about it/ that the subject is closed??" Press their discomfort - hard. These people have poor boundaries, so school them.
Thank you for this....
It may be time to make them uncomfortable which might be the only way to get them to stop.
I know my inlaws know how f*#ked up skids are
as a result of batshit crazy, narcissistic pas manipulative hcgubm is and they see all her in all 3 of skids. Skids have her traits to varying degrees.
they know life is tough for me and will often ask in private when hubby isn’t around... its a painful thing to discuss because life has been such hell at times and one of my hubbys sil is a stepmum and she really is the only person who objectively understands my situation because she’s been in it. Like some have said its nosiness and concern
whenever my sil’s ask or bring up something they saw about skids that they were concerned about i lay out the truth of the situation. Then leave it at that.
If you have said so many times to not bring up the past and they still ask, just say there are no further news and leave it at that as there isn’t much more you can do...