Stepson not DH’s bio son, drama
Okay so, to try and make a long story short, DH haha two children. One 8 year old son and a 7 year old daughter.
The son is not his biologically. The BM cheated on him and he never knew the child was not his until paternity confirmed when the boy was age 4. DH and BM split up when the kids were 1 and 2.
He has remained an active father to the kid and is still called dad etc. which I have always admired him for. He doesn’t truly make any sort of difference in the kids, and neither does his family. He says often that if he had known the son wasn’t his, that his daughter would have never been born. Which makes sense.
This all sounds good until you see the reality of it all when DH doesn’t do what BM wants, (ie spend x amount of money on something, have a party where she wants), then she threatens him and tells him that he can see the daughter but that he has no rights to the son. this has happened at least three times since we have been together.
Also, the son is not a great kid. He has no respect for anyone, talks back, constantly runs around screaming and is very mean to his sister. I know that siblings are mean to each other but this is a different level. Meanwhile the daughter is a very sweet, kind and emotionally intelligent kid. She and I connect very well. And I guess a lot of it is because I can see my DH in her so apparently. Not just physically but personality wise. There is nothing about the son that says he is DH’s child. It is like he may as well have not even been involved in his upbringing. I struggle to see him as Dh’s Son but as BM’s son and it makes it very frustrating when he is acting out at our house.
I was recently pregnant (miscarried at 11 weeks). One of my concerns that I also expressed to DH was that I did not feel comfortable raising my child to believe someone is their sibling when they are not. He assured me that by the time our child would understand the concept, the son would know his real father by then, or at least know that DH is not his biological father. I was lied to about my siblings and kept from other siblings growing up and it makes a child bitter. I did not want to cause my child that same pain.
Any tips to somehow connect more with this kid and to hide my resentment towards him? It would be so much easier if he were only more well behaved.
Well if your DH is going to
Well if your DH is going to play the part of dad to this kid, that includes parenting him and correcting his poor behavior. Why is "Dad" allowing the boy to be disrespectful and bully his sister?
Very good question. Which I
Very good question. Which I have asked recently also. He says because he only gets them on the weekends he wants his place (our place) to be a fun time for them and doesn’t want to be too hard. Which I eyeroll at.
BM is expecting a son in 2 months and we are told a lot that we should be expecting to keep the kids more when that happens...
keep in mind that she doesn’t work (never has) and we will be expected to take the kids to school etc, as we don’t live in their school district. We both work.
Well I would tell him point
Well I would tell him point blank that allowing this boy to bully his daughter is making the weekends miserable for her. Allowing the boy to be a brat is making the weekends miserable for you. So he can choose: a miserable wife and daughter, or a well behaved boy. Children are "happiest" when they have expectations and understand who is in charge. Acting like a feral beast isn't making this kid "happy." He is acting out for attention because he's confused and angry about the lack of rules and expectations.
If they were married, and his
If they were married, and his name is on the birth certificate, he is the legal father. Period.
It's extremely hard to get the court to reverse a parent's obligation to a child if they find out the child is not theirs biologically. So if the above conditions are met, he has just as much legal right to the son as he does the daughter.
The issue is that he just wants to be a weekend dad and make it a free-for-all, which is a lazy cop-out. Plus he's afraid of BM.
They were not married but he
They were not married but he did sign the birth certificate. The child has his last name. He does not pay child support for this child since the paternity test. But he buys his clothes, school supplies and anything else that is needed. She has mentioned going after the biological dad for child support.
Even if they weren't married,
Even if they weren't married, the court can still order him to pay child support.
It sounds like ss is being
It sounds like ss is being used as a pawn by BM and DH. DH minimally parents him when he feels like it but does not monetarily support him. Is he his son or not? BM withholds him when she doesn't get what she wants. The kid must be so confused by all the mixed messages he's getting. No wonder he acts out.
Both BM and DH need to come to terms with the relationship with ss. DH cannot just decide not to support a kid that is legally his. If BM is smart she'll file for back child support from DH. If DH really doesn't want to be Daddy and plans on transferring those responsibilities over to the bio dad then he needs to take action on that now. It's really unfair for a kid to be in limbo like that. Shame on the so called parents!
So he's a Disney dad. I feel
So he's a Disney dad. I feel your pain on that one. My DH used to be the same way, wanting to be the fun parent and have our house be the fun house (and we had her 50/50!) It can be infuriating.
Why would you be expected to keep the kids more when BM has a baby? BM and I have both had babies since SD and we have never changed anything based off of that (aside from maybe a couple days after delivery/time in the hospital, but nothing long-term). I would not take the skids more just because BM decided to have another baby.
BM actually had a THIRD baby which she put up for adoption and told SD the baby is her cousin (baby was adopted to a family member), not her sibling so I totally know what you mean as far as lying about who is who's sibling. There have been so many times I wanted to tell SD the truth but I don't feel it's my place.
As far as your miscarriage and those feelings, I am so sorry for your loss. I have dealt with that and infertility and it was EXTRA hard to be around SD during that time.
Sounds like DH really needs to just step up - if he is going to parent SS like he is his bio, he needs to treat him as such, and not as a special visitor.
In this day and age---THIS
In this day and age---THIS child deserves to know his true bio father.
If your dh loved this child, he would want the truth to come out. IF BM loved her child she too would want the truth to come out so the boy could be with his dad.
No one should break inherent bonds.