New to blended family.
Hi,
I am looking for some guidance or some advise. My fiance has a 6 mo daughter & I have a 22yr old son. Up until recently he has very restricted access to his daughter ( supervised visits once a week for 2hrs, due to false allegations the mother has made), he now has visits in our home twice a week, every Wednesday and every other Sunday. Initially the Wednesdays were supposed to be 5-7pm, but were not being done due to work schedules ( his father's who is the superviser of in home visits). She willfully missed the first Sunday visit, and was violated in court due to this, since the violation she has changed her tune, wants to coparent, drop restraining order, etc. Yesterday they had court, and the order was dropped, and Wednesday visits have changed to 12-2pm, with his grandmother doing the visits, or he & the mother going to do something together with the child. All of which I am super happy for. My thing is, I do not feel comfortable with her (the mother) in our home, which may happen on a Wednesday. My fiance feels I am out of line for asking for some form ouf boundaries. Mind you when I say the allegations she made were horrendous, to the point that it has cause severe anxiety and ptsd in my fiance. She is what one might call a 'classic narcissist'. I guess what I am looking for is suggestions and guidance on how to affectively be a "step parent" I know i have no say in any parenting when it comes to the child, but any of his decisions have a direct affect on our relationship, if he chooses to move to be closer to his child ( same school district etc) that directly affects me. How can I co exsist in this dynamic with out over stepping my boundaries. How do I communicate to my fiance that i deserve to ask for boundaries.
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If he has a 6 month old then
If he has a 6 month old then you really have moved way too soon to be engaged let alone live together. He needs to get his life with his child in order before he marries another woman. Plus, you life will in no way be benefited by marrying a man with a child. Don’t do it.
do not marry this guy. step
do not marry this guy. step away slowly and then run for your life. This is a hell to the no....that woman has zero business in your home. Not now, not ever. 6 months old? Do you want to spend the next AT LEAST 18 years of your life in non stop drama and chaos.....that is what you are in far. Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was first dating my SO
When I was first dating my SO, he had no boundaries in place with BM. They would take the kids together do do fun things, like the zoo or the apple orchard. They celebrated birthdays together, did holidays together. When we'd been dating several months, SO went to a Halloween party with BM's family and wanted to trick-or-treat with the kids and BM. I decided at that point that I needed boundaries. I told him he could have an ongoing relationship with her and play "first family" with her and the kids, or he could have a relationship with me. He couldn't have both. Fortunately, he "got it" and changed his relationship with BM. They co-parent and cooperate, but they don't do things together now. They still do joint birthday parties, which is OK with me (and I'm always there), and he will let the kids go to holiday functions with BM's family on his time if they want to go and he doesn't have something planned, but he no longer goes along. It was a pretty simple "her or me" choice that I gave SO, and I was prepared to walk away when I gave him the ultimatum. It was my hill to die on because I knew I couldn't live with the lack of boundaries and having BM that involved in my life and my relationship.
In your situation, there is no way I would be OK with him and the BM going on outings with the child together. His time should be HIS time, even if it's supervised. It does not need to be time with BM or playing "family" with BM and the child. And after false allegations, I don't know why he would want to spend time with her or allow her into his home. It just gives her possible ammunition. If he is not willing to listen to your desire for boundaries, it's unlikely that he'll seek your opinion on moving, household rules for the skid, custody matters for the skid that directly affect you, etc. If boundaries and living a peaceful life are important to you, you need to make this your hill to die on and be prepared to walk away. I would also make sure that yours is a long engagement, because he really does need to get things settled with his very young child, and you need to get comfortable with where things land, before you marry him.
Thank you, this was what i
Thank you, this was what i was looking for. I feel like as soon as the "happy" phase of knowing he has more time with his kid wears off, he will see my point ( has happened in the past.) We have a date set for 2022 as for the wedding goes. I just want to know how to I effectively communicate this to him.
What the hell? Why in the
What the hell? Why in the world would he agree to go on outings with the woman who made false allegations that landed him with supervised visits? Why would he let her in his home? Has he lost his mind?
If he doesn't see the issues there, that's a huge red flag. You are in for a long, long road. This woman isn't going to magically become sane, and he clearly doesn't see what she's about.
Good Lord, you shouldn't have
Good Lord, you shouldn't have to communicate to him about boundaries, he should already know that they are needed. To protect himself AND you.
He is asking for trouble.
thank you
There is a small age gap (me being 5 years older) I was fairly young when I had my child. Idk if this will help any to make it more clear. She left him in April cut him completely out of the pregnancy, he tried everything to get her to take him back, he finally had to move on for his own mental well being as it was clear she didnt want him around. We began talking in late June, dating in July, engaged on Thanksgiving.
I am just trying to figure out how to become a cohesive unit, while protecting him & myself (along with my son) as I can not trust her motvies as of yet due to her previous allegations. We work very well together on a daily basis , both coming from single parent households ( both raised by our dads) he ended up with a horrible step mom, and he does not want his daughter to have a child hood like he did , constant resentment, having to do everything seperate, etc. It is going to take time for the Bm to gain my trust. I respect that she has thanked me for being in their daughter's life, but i still see other motives.
You can not be friends with BM.
You have to get into real world. BM is not your friend, BM will not ever thank you. You took her life. Your SO should have little contact with BM. They had had a sexual relationship, and a child. There will always be some feelings there.