UMM sorry DH, I can't help you're on your own with this
Is what I want to say but I have learned to pick my battles when it comes to HIS family. A little recap before I get to the heading. This will be long, sorry.
I met DH 22 years ago when SD's were 9months and 3 (2 BM's one ex-wife, well separated but wasn't told until 3 months in and I ended it until I saw Divorce papers which was 4 months later). I was childless and 19 y/o. In a nutshell, I struggled with being in a relationship with DH because of his baggage so when I finally did decide to settle down with him I set strong boundaries as far as his kids, his responsibly and if I wanted to help it was my choice. I got on great with BM/ex w of YSD and YSD but DH could barely see OSD with BM1 who was also high conflict, who used OSD as a pawn. However, DH pretty much set boundaries with hcbm and when she found out I was pregnant almost 2 years later, she allowed DH to see OSD more but at that point where he may have lacked a boundary (my DH was dense to manipulation), I had set to set certain boundaries with her.
Years go by and OSD is a mini BM and tried to challenge me and got shut down (DH tried guilt parenting her and that's what forced my disengagement) but she was so hot/cold. Nice one minute and stabbing me in the back the next, she even got bold at 23 and tried to 'check me' so I laid down the law with her and DH pretty much had to ban her from visiting our home (or suffer me leaving when she visit).
That's when I was done with her and DH tried to resume his relationship with OSD and got a dose of what I'd told him I was done with. So he told her he was done until she was ready to he apart of his family and show some respect.
After 1.5 years of no contact from DH and no bending to her manipulations OSD come crawling back to DH and "is tired of being unhappy and just wants a relationship with daddy and believed what was told to her, missing our bk's, etc'" wants to move forward and be apart of his life. And of course, DH thinks she's changed. Me not so much because this is a cycle with her but not with DH because they have never experienced that dynamic, she always showed me that side but he heard that side from me.
So to sum it up. DH has been in good contact with both SD's (YSD and I are good and she respects her parents and SP's but OSD did get into her head a good bit growing up so she tries to play neutral) and have this fantasy that we will all be a happy blended family. So in the process he has made comments on how OSD is growing up (and maybe she is but it's hard to tell 600+ miles away and she has not acted on explaining to me why I caused the rift between DH and her as I told her she need to do before she can call me again) and me listening and encouraging their relationship, it doesn't seem to be enough for DH. He wants me involved but when I was willing and asking him to parent his DD he made every excuse in the book or made it seem like "WE barely see them so how could he", yet giving the opportunities (when SD was targeting me, he was so blind and clueless or talked to her obliviously because I said it was a problem).
While I can say that my DH has always had my back with his family he always seemed scared to hurt his precious DD (only OSD) and I know because he lost her to PAS and any crumbs of hope she gives him, he wants her to know he loves her. However, that is not my problem. And I will say, he has always even got onto her when I told him to handle it but of course he was gentle and/or took her to another room to spare her feelings from embarrassingher in front of us(bk's and me). So this is a case of I understand his position but I don't because WE parent our bk's together. Even when I'm soft he's hard and vice versa, we balance each other but our bk's are respectful to others.
Anywho, the latest. I have told DH I support his relationships with SD but I don't want to deal with OSD until I see "her change" or at all, I'm only focused on those who respects and love me back. And for a couple months he was okay and supportive of my wishes. But for some reason he seems to have another dynamic in mind. And this is why. He sent me a text that he was sending to the girls for, idk, my approval? I'm stuck here and need your input on why you all think.
"Dear OSD and YSD
I have come to a point, no correction we have come to a point where we have a situation that has been avoided for some time. And I particularly blame myself. 1 for allowing it to go so long and 2 for not nipping it in the bud from the beginning. Now to be honest I don't know where it all started but I'm sure me not acting a a parental figure has a major play. I honestly spent more time being a fun dad than I did with you 2 at your crucial ages being a parental figure when I could see you. Can't take the past back but a definitely had big dreams for us but it didn't move as quickly as I wanted, I honestly thought I had time to ease everyone into this but time got away. And in that time my job offered me a better life if I left, so I left but I definitely had big dreams for us but it didn't move as quickly as I wanted. Now It goes without saying that I am not perfect. But if anyone and I so mean anyone in this family ask me to fix something, it's done. Period. No matter what. Might not have had all the riches forever like I would have liked but from the house to the streets I promise you I'll fix what ever that is brought before me concerning my family. I said all that to say I can fix alot lo sht but the one thing that I can't seem to grasp is the relationship between my wife and my 2 oldest princesses. So I am reaching out to the 3 ove you to help me fix this. This is one ove the most important things to me in my life.. and I hope to God it's fixed before I die or it must might be the death ove me. I love charish and honor 6 women in this world (my wife, 3 daughters, mom and mil). I truly love all ove you the same but my wife is exactly what it says "my wife". So when we married we honored to vow as 1. So I have to respect her
feelings at all time. Regardless if I feel she should handle it a different way, I still must respect her feelings. LET ME MAKE MY SELF CLEAR. I take full responsibility for all the mistakes misunderstand and lack ove communication. Leaving you guys with SM while I followed my dreams. And I realize that I didn't even give her a chance to get to no you guys I just kinda threw my babies on her while I followed my dreams of making a life for us and that was not what she signed for. As I said before, I was really trying to do big things for us all. But looking back I feel like I truly missed out on the big things, like spending time and having a better relationship with my daughters. So with all that being said, I take full responsibility for everything. And at this point I need the help of my love ones to help ME FIX SOMETHING. My ENTIRE FAMILY. Thanks for listening and may God help us through this. I WANT MY FAMILY ONE. That means everyone has
to consider everyone's feelings and situation. This for me will determine who just cares about me and who truly respects trust and loves me".
That was his text to them but like I asked, why send it to me. He said he wanted my approval before sending it. I didn't agree with all the verbiage and it sounds to me like he wants US to fix his issues with blending the family or me to clean up his mess like I have done before I got tired. What do you all think?
I WANT MY FAMILY ONE. That
Selfish and self-interested.
Does His Royal Highness of Two Princesses Land understand that what he wants and needs may not be what everyone else wants and needs?
I emphasised: That means everyone has to consider everyone's feelings and situation.
If he means what he says, then it means he has to see and accept you may have a different viewpoint, otherwise besides being overly self-interested, he is a liar too.
Or maybe he doesn't mean it at all.
I can't get over: "I love charish and honor 6 women in this world (my wife, 3 daughters, mom and mil)"
Yuck.
Ménage à trois?
Maybe.
Ménage à SIX?
Fuck that.
Your H needs to be reminded of who he is married to.
There are some strong
There are some strong admissions here that I’d be grateful for...but the two commenters above already pulled out my two WTH?? moments quite nicely.
His two princesses??!! Gross.
But the real alarm bells started ringing at the end. He’s essentially saying that he sees this as a “test” for who actually loves, trusts, and respects him. As if you can dictate who you’re able to tolerate in your life just because you love someone. Would he say the same thing about his brother or sister if they were abusive and rude to you? That you’d forgive and move on if you just loved him enough? I doubt it. To him...those are his children. But to you...they’re no different than any other in-law situation. He needs to try to understand that.
Also...way too long for a text and your DH needs to learn how to spell “of”
Sometimes there’s a person
Sometimes there’s a person who used to be in your life.
You don’t hate the person, but you don’t feel the need for see them or talk to them.
Your DH needs to grasp that concept. Your OSD is his daughter and he loves her. She is not your child and her actions have placed her in the category of “you have no need to see or talk to her”. It’s totally unrealistic for anyone to think that everyone that they love must all love each other. Life doesn’t work that way.
I have eliminated my SS34 from my life 100%. Thank goodness my DH doesn’t give me crap about “fixing “ the family.
He has no business including
He has no business including you in this vague, self pitying text.
Things are working at this stage, correct? He's able to spend time with both skids, he just wants the Brady Bunch fantasy.
This is only going to stir up bad feelings in everyone, and it ticks me off that he seems to think he can stomp on your boundaries. For him to openly state that he doesn't always agree with how you handle things is unproductive, cowardly, and nothing more than throwing you under the bus. He's putting you on the same level as his daughters, which is b.s. And he's doing all this via text, which is just plain dumb.
Your DuH should be positioning himself and his wife as a united front and offering specific things he'd like to see his daughters change (if he must write something at all). He needs to come across as a strong yet loving leader of his family, no a weak, spineless man stomping his foot whining "Can't we all just get along?"
Totally agreedre
Your DH IS throwing under the bus by handing the responsibility of creating his Brady Bunch dream over to you and his 'Princesses' (((yuck!))). And writing as if you and the skids are all on equal footing for his approval! If this were me I'd tell him he is free to rebuild a relationship with the skids on his own but you will not tolerate any blame or expectations on his part - that your marriage will be completely separate. That means he will not mention you or discuss his marriage with the skids. Good luck. You deserve better than this.
Oh my God, just no.
Oh my God, just no.
So he wants you and the
So he wants you and the Princesses to fix everything he takes responsibility for, or he just might die? Holy cow.
First off, dear god, I couldn
First off, dear god, I couldn't even read that in a blog, much less in a TEXT? No. Way too long and repetitive.
What exactly is he trying to accomplish? You said above that he has a decent relationship with them both.
(And please tell him how to spell OF).
He totally threw you under
He totally threw you under the bus!
This is not the sorta thing
This is not the sorta thing that should be communicated via text. Ideally he should meet his darlings in person and give them the "I failed you as a parent" speil, and he shouldn't have brought you into this at all. They're going to dissect this and take away "EVIL SM is making him do this and he has to respect HER feeling."
He wants divine intervention but God isn't going to fix this for him. Then he asks for his daughters to help fix the problems he created when they were kids. Sorry no, it's pretty silly to expect your kids to fix your parenting errors. The man needs to realize that he missed the parenting boat. He stated his priorities were work, not them, he made his choice and this is the fallout from that.
It's hard for your family to be ONE when you spread your seed around to three women. Doh!
Has he sent the text?? What a
Has he sent the text?? What a crock of BS!
He totally threw you under the bus, and didn’t outline what he wanted his princesses ((puke!!!)) to actually do differently. Just that you’re his wife & it’s all your fault because you have feelings & he needs to respect them. Big bad SM who caused all this drama, while he just might die if it doesn’t get fixed.
Its time for a new boundary with him. If he wants to be the Brady bunch with his previous kids, that’s on him. And them. And when THEY are ready with their strong & healthy dynamic, you can choose to be a part of it.
What an absolute coward.
I’m just confused by the need to send that long
winded message and the wording used.
when skids are old enough, been disrespectful, rude, pathetic, made excuses for unacceptable behaviour, then hubby having this fantasy of a united family is just that- a fantasy!
my husband has said to me he wants his kids with ex (sd23, ss almost 21 & sd14) to be united with our daughter and son aged 3 & 2.
problem is his kids with ex have been pas’d to the max, socially awkward, selfish, manipulative and inconsiderate of others. They make no effort to maintain contact with their dad so what hope is there that they are capable or interested in maintaining a relationship with their half siblings
this whole long winded message is unnecessary, all my husband did was tell his kids with ex that they need to be civil with me or they’re only sabotaging their future and making life difficult for themselves as he was making me executor of his estate.
He left it at that, surprise surprise the girls have made no effort to do anything since 6 months ago so i do not inconvenience our life and plans to revolve around them, i do not go out of my way to make contact. They have made their choice very clear so i have left it at that.
When my husband claims his kids miss our kids I sarcastically ask “really when?” Have they maintained/initiated contact? No!
Have they asked to see our kids? No! Have they come to visit? No!
that ends the discussion pretty quick. Actions speak louder than words
Because he married you, he
Because he married you, he "has to" respect you? What? And calling them his "princesses"' that makes me ill hearing that.
If he has not sent this text to his "PRINCEASSES" then he needs to stop and definitely change the verbiage.
It sounds to me like your DH is turning you into the bad guy here and hiding behind you by basically blaming his marriage to you is the reason why he "has to" respect you.
If my DH did this, (and he has used me as an excuse in the past so he would not look like the bad guy), I would tell him to grow some and take responsibility for his own actions and totally leave my name out of it. If your DH wants you to be respected, then he needs to simply say that and not blame your marriage for the need for respect.
sounds like your DH has guilty dadee syndrome and the adult steps are playing on that guilt and making it worse. Also, your DH gets his wife should be respected and seems to want to do the right thing, but it sounds like he wants to make everyone happy and be one big, happy, Brady Bunch family.
Good luck going forward.
I totally agree with what all
I totally agree with what all of the others have said. Before he sends it, sit him down and ask him what he expects to achieve by sending this whiny piece of twaddle. Then go over it, point by point, and show him exactly what is wrong with it.
Frankly, he's in great need of a Gibbs-slap and also counselling to help him deal with his part of responsibility in the mess his family is now in.
If he sent this on Verizon it
If he sent this on Verizon it explains their outage last week. Good Lord, you don't text something like that.
I can't say anything that someone hasn't already said. He feels like a Super Guilty Daddy (love the DuH) and wants everyone to make it all better for him. The whole thing was about him. Stand your ground.
What I tell my own DH is that when I see OSD treating him with respect, then maybe I will reconsider. Sounds reasonable that if she doesn't treat him with respect she won't treat me with respect, and I know it will never happen. Off the hook!
I think his intentions are
I think his intentions are good but I'm guessing he was feeling emotional when he wrote this and it turned into a bunch of repetitive nonsense. I think he has the right idea saying that he wants the kids to respect you but it's not worded well at all.
I understand that you don't want to be involved in the message or with the kids but I'd recommend taking to him about it and helping him adjust the wording so that he gets the point across. I agree with others that sending it as is just puts pressure and a target on you on you.
Has he sent this?
This is pure Syrup of Ipecrap man whine to the nth degree! Absolutely nauseating, sappy, sardonic, victimized verbalization of HIS delusional bs.
I agree with everyone's comments...the responses see right through his bs. I hope he hasn't sent this.
It's Not Your Job To "Fix" This, Nor Do You Want That Burden
Vows are vows, and to be honored and taken seriously.
Since when do we say vows to Princesses??
He can read the Bible cover to cover, and nowhere does it say "Cling to your PRINCESSES." It DOES say, "CLING TO YOUR WIFE, FORSAKING (depart, renounce, cast aside, give up,leave behind) ALL OTHERS" Not SOME others, ALL OTHERS.
As many have pointed out in prevous posts, you cannot ever repair/fix/normalize enmeshment and dysfunction. This was all in place long before you showed up on the scene.
The bottom line is, if you don't want a relationship with them, then refuse to have one. He had no business including you, and only did it because he must be storing his detachable balls in Tupperware to keep them fresh for such a time he intends to use them. He accepted responsibility for making a mess of their lives, and it is solely HIS JOB to rectify that, and not at the expense of his marriage.
Good luck!
He has a good heart...
He has a good heart, and I can applaud him in a few places in the email for taking responsibility. BUT, there are two things that stand out. 1. He makes it sound that while he honors you as his wife, he only goes along with it because he HAS to. As if it's a requirement of marriage. It should have been more like "not only do I stand by my vows, but I support my wife and our similar beliefs", or something like that. 2. He comes off as desperate. At no point does he mention OSD's role in all this. She is going to capitalize on this moment because she can. DH is in a vulnerable place.
Exactly! I've Known my DH for
Exactly! I've Known my DH for 22+ years and I know his heart was in the right place with this text. I also know he used a wrong choice in some of his wording. He admitted that he should have only been texting OSD but didn't want her to feel attacked so he included YSD. He knows his DD is the problem (as well as the rest of us in the fsmily) and was slowly trying to get across to her. Now I don't agree with the way he went about it at all but I have also disengaged from everything DH/SD wise so if he wants to continue to make a mess of his relationships with his oldest DD's that's on them and if it affects me then I speak up. He is desperate for us to all be a happy family and scared to lose his DD again but knows she needs to respect his home and wife if she's going to be welcomed in our home.
He does not know how to fix the issue he's caused and thought if he ignored it long enough it'll go away. Now that he's lost his grip, he think we can fix it for him. Like I told him, he has 2 choices 1)have a separate family 2)go to counseling and get help.
I'm not as worried about the comment he made about "respecting his wife/vows.. " because like I said he has always SHOWN me and his family different it just pissed me off that he can't accept that what he want for his family he can't have right now and at this rate he will be doing more harm then good.