Hi all - I need some help/advice.

I'm a mom of 3 - one biological daughter from a previous relationship, a step daughter, and a step son. Their father and I have been friends for a very long time, but lost touch for almost 10 years. We reconnected and had play dates with our kids (this was post-divorce on both of our parts) - the kids were 1-3 at the time (now they're 5-7). My SD (7) refuses to use the toilet or tell the truth. She has been through a lot - her mom has been in and out of her life, and is filling her head with lies. She's even offered to relinquish all her rights, on more than one occasion. Her brother (6) is younger and isn't having any issues. The bathroom habits are out of control – we’re not talking a few times a month or even a week. We’re talking a few times a day! We know she is capable of using the toilet, as she has gone weeks without “accidents”, but lately it’s rare that we even get through the day. We’ve tried talking to her, doctors, therapists, her BM, and her school, but without any success. Sometimes she’ll try a little harder, and other times she will just sit in it. We’ve tried behavior charts, reward systems, timers, losing privileges, and grounding, and with each new experience we see improvement for a day or so, but then we’re back to square one. If you ask her why she’s not using the toilet she will tell us that she’s too lazy or didn’t feel like it. When we do manage to get her to use the bathroom, she’ll refuse to wipe. It’s next to impossible to do things as a family, because every time we go out, she soils herself. We’ve resulted in putting her in pullups to go out anywhere, because the minute she doesn’t get her way she will force herself to pee to get us upset. It’s happening at school too (albeit not as frequent), but she tells them she just spilled her water on herself, or won’t say anything if she pooped – she’ll just sit in it.

As if that’s not stressful enough, now let’s introduce the lies. She’s told her father that I didn’t pack her a lunch (even though there was still leftover food in her lunchbox when she came home from school). She’s told her teacher that I didn’t send in lunch, so the teacher will buy her lunch, even though there was a lunch in her book bag (mind you, she picked out what she wanted for lunch that day too, so it was 100% stuff that she likes to eat). Last week she even decided to tell my husband that I’m the reason he and her BM broke up, and I’m the reason she moved away. They were broken up well before we even started hanging out as friends (she was across the country with another guy at the time). She moved back, things were great and then she upped and left again. She now chooses to only see her kids once or twice a month, if we’re lucky. We tried explaining what happened, without bad-mouthing her BM, and she seemed to be okay with it. Then she went to see her BM for the weekend and now she’s now telling her BM that I ignore her and refuse to do her hair in the mornings. I get her up, fed, dressed, teeth brushed, hair done, lunch packed, and off to school EVERY SINGLE MORNING, and that is not an easy feat. My SD will literally drag her feet with everything in the morning, picks fights with her brother and sister, and right as we’re going out the door and everyone is stressed, she will piss herself just to get me upset. Her BM decided to attack my husband about me, claiming that I’m not taking care of her emotional well-being, and that I need to step up as a mother! Coming from the woman who picks and chooses when she wants to be a part of her daughter’s life. Then we came to find out that the BM is the one feeding my SD all the lies about me breaking them up and making her move away.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. She soaks up so much of mine and my DH time and attention that we feel like the other two are losing out. I’m so incredibly tired.