SS21 and the worst year of my life
This past year was the worst of my life. DH and I have been together for about thirteen years, and I’ve never been so depressed (unable to leave the bedroom), anxious (had panic attacks), and thought more of ending it all and WHY? Because of SS21 who is the most toxic person I’ve ever encountered. He oozes disgust, anger, and everything terrible. All behaviors he learned from biohag. Last week he decided that he would write me a hate-filled email about how he feels about me. Who does that? I think about him (and that fing email) and get shaky inside. DH finally said (only a month ago) he not allowed to stay at our home, but I know that will change the minute he fakes being nice or says some crap about "changing." I’ve never met anyone like SS21. I sometimes wonder if I will be the next victim on the news regarding a shooting by some crazed twenty-something kid. I hate him with all my being, and it is ruining my life. And why do I spend so much time on it? It’s not like he lives with us.
So, my question. SS21 is coming home from college next weekend and stopping at our place to pick up some things. Should I be there? Do I show that he can’t remove me from my home? Do I protect myself and stay away? I am in my forties for God’s sake, but something literally snapped in my brain last year and I can no longer contain my feelings. I only know I will be sick for days leading up to his “visit.” It is on my mind now and its a damn week away.
Today is the change day, so we have a week ahead with SS15. While the relationship with SS15 is better, I still can’t stand it to make matters worse. I settled in my thirties for a man with kids, and am codependent, and flat out scared to leave. Life gets harder with these kids every single year, not the opposite as I had originally hoped. DH and I have a good time and get along well when they are not there. Once a SS arrives, it ALL changes (as so many of us encounter).
~hg
Do not be there when SS comes
Do not be there when SS comes. You may not be able to control that he's coming, and you can't control what he may or may not say to you. But you can say, "This is not in my best interest to be around this", and go do something that IS good for you while he is there. No good can come from you being there.
Go get a massage or buy yourself something instead. Sorry you have had such a hard time. Hugs.
I have an SS19 that I avoid
I have an SS19 that I avoid because he has learned toxic behaviors from his mother, but nothing like what you describe - I'm just tired of him lying, manipulating and treating his father like dirt. He doesn't target me, at all.
If he did target me, or sent me an email like that, I would expect DH to come down on him like a load of bricks. And he would, too. Your DH is not protecting you or making you feel safe, and that's where a huge part of this issue lies. Your DH should be disgusted and horrified by his son, and that son should not be allowed in your home PERIOD. DH should be bringing any of his belongings that he needs to him.
Please get into therapy and find your voice and self-worth.
Last week he decided that he
Last week he decided that he would write me a hate-filled email about how he feels about me.
Then there doesn't EVER need to be a discussion about him staying in your home.
When he comes to get his things, do what is best for you, forget about what it looks like to him. If your husband isn't going to protect you, you need to protect yourself.
I am sorry for you that you
I am sorry for you that you are living this hell.
On vacating when the college SKid shows up.... I suggest that you not leave. Be there, be obviously present and tolerate no crap. Make sure DH is there too.
Dont forget to have the locksmith van out front to change the locks.
Rags is a smart man, listen to him
Everything that Rags said is true. If you leave then SS knows that all he needs to do to make you go away is come by the house. I think that your DH should bring SS stuff to him and the locks should be changed immediately. Your DH should be there to protect you!
OP - did you show your
OP - did you show your husband his son's email? IF not, then it's time you did. He needs to see what a hateful being he has brought up. If you didn't then it's time you did.
"thought more of ending it
"thought more of ending it all and WHY? Because of SS21 who is the most toxic person I’ve ever encountered."
You need help ASAP! Does your H know how this makes you feel? Your health needs to come 1st and if that means that Gremlin not being in your home....than that's what it has to be. How does your H sit around KNOWING you feel this way and how sick and depressed you get and is ok with allowing this BS???
Your H is the big issue here and for your own health and sanity you need to leave that toxic environment. You still have life in you, life is short, do not give them another year of your life and live in this misery. You have options!
Take care of you!!
I copied him on my response,
I copied him on my response, which I crafted two days after I received the email so I had time to calm down. DH thought it was good of him to email his feelings because "he was trying to connect" or some sh*t like that. It didn't matter the hatred he said. DH knows the kid is a super dick, but feels helpless to do anything about it. So he has "talks" with him, but SS21 has the emotional wherewithall of an 8yo. He doesn't get it and doesn't care. Maybe never will...
DH does know how I feel, but tells me he doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing and I suffer. I understand that I have personal responsibility here to get out, but many things, like my home, hold me back. I keep thinking it will get better but it doesn't. I fear it never will, in fact.
If DH won't protect you, then
If DH won't protect you, then you must protect yourself.
Tell your SS21 that if you ever receive anything like that email again, you will go straight to the police and file harassment charges. And that he is not allowed to come in your house for ANY reason - you can pack his belongings and put them in the driveway to pick up. Then call the police when he arrives to be sure you are safe.
Then please get yourself some mental health treatment. You are stuck right now, but therapy might help you get unstuck.
Your husband is a passive jerk.
I'm sorry you have such a
I'm sorry you have such a useless husband. Good grief! Can't he get it through his thick skull that his son was deliberately cruel? How can he continue to see someone who would do such a thing? I sincerely hope that your SS's belngings are outside, in trash bags for him to collect. He should not be allowed back into your home. You don't need that kind of negativity. How on earth can your husband just carry on as if it were fine to just pretend it didn't happen?!
I would be soooooo ashamed if either of mine wrote an email like that...
Trying to connect? Wow, your
Trying to connect? Wow, your husband is a jerk.
Why can't you "connect" back with him?
This is an adult. If any other adult sent you something like that you wouldn't tolerate it, right? Why tolerate it now?
I also see nothing wrong with facing your "abuser." You'd tell off your own kid or someone else for being a shit to you, so tell this man child.
Your DH doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to feel bad/be "in the middle"/or do anything about it. You don't have to be mean but you are certainly entitled to voice your opinion, concerns, and boundaries.
I would Do some of my own connecting
Since your DH is sticking up for SS and not you I would take it into my own hands. I would have a conversation with my DH and tell him that if he does not immediately get SS’s stuff together and deliver it to him and change the locks immediately, I would do like the other posters are saying and do it yourself!
MAIL SS HIS STUFF
If there is so much hatred and you dread his presence, even if it's for a minimal amount of time, mail all his stuff to him at college or at BMs, or some UPS store even.
Then there's no reason to stop by. Your DH can go meet SS somewhere way far away to have coffee or a meal or something. (Or have your DH take all the crap with him and give it to SS when they meet far, far away from your house.)
Amen to this suggestion! Tell your DH that his son is not
welcome in your home and that he needs to meet him to give his little turd his crap. I'd also let your DH know that know that you are willing to connect as well, as in connect with a divorce attorney. YOLO so get the hell out of there or start fighting to stay.
Put that brat's carp out on
Put that brat's carp out on the lawn in a pile. Change the locks, and inform your invertebrate H that his feral, poorly raised eldest is not allowed back under any circumstances.
The sooner you accept that your H is flat out incapable, the sooner you can begin to heal from the abuse, trauma and neglect of steplife. In this area of your marriage, you are on your own because he is handicapped by ego, fear, and guilt. If you assert yourself and say No More to this adult a$$hole skid, you will have made a small change upon which you can build.
I used to be in your shoes, right down to the horses, depression, panic attacks, codependency, conflict-avoidant H and hateful skid. Additionally, I had a lot of personal issues that I had been stuffing down for far too long. I was desperate to be part of a (dysfunctional) family and so afraid to fail and pathetically eager to please everyone but myself. I blamed myself for their poo, which could be traced back generations. There was no balance in my life, and my thoughts and actions were all for others while no one prioritized me. My H, strong and capable in every other facet of his life, gaslit and hid behind me when it came to his kids or relatives.
Job One is the care and love of yourself, Horsey. Sometimes that means nourishing your sensitive soul, and other times it means picking up a sword and shield and going on the offensive. Admit to yourself that no one else is going to save you, and that if you want peace, you have to be willing to be a harda$$ to get it. Most of all, stop caring about other people's problems and letting them impact you!
Are you being treated for your depression? In therapy to get stronger? That's all part of self care and getting back in balance, as is eliminating toxic, damaged, ill mannered, poisonous pieces of carp from your life.
(No subject)
Talking about the SK's isn't
Talking about the SK's isn't well tolerated by DH. I'm nervous about how he will respond to my request to meet SS21 away from home. You see, he sees them as the victims of some terrible tragedy (two homes, and a toxic mom). I can't compete with that. It will lead to something very ugly as it has many times before.
I used to be on medication for my depression, but weaned myself off about a year ago (bad side effects included). I wanted to see what it felt like to "feel," and it doesn't feel good. It certainly doesn't help when your partner says he doesn't know how to help and just does nothing. It's a cycle that rips me up inside. Now I live for the time alone with DH like the days with the SK's don't count, and I know how messed up that sounds.
I don't have a great social network and if you have tried to find friends it is difficult. I do have friends, but not close ones who care. My sister and I became pretty close over the last year, but she is in treatment for opioids, so I see my world just falling apart. I have also been to counselors for years, but find their help so misguided. Like how it was recommended to confront SS21 before Thanksgiving, but to me that is like confronting your abuser! I know THAT is not recommended. Or the famous, you knew he had kids BS, or the latest how I was supposed to "parent" his kids (told to me at an EAP session last week).
I understand what many of you are saying about "self-care" but sometimes the topic feels so foreign. In essence, I want something I cannot have, and that's DH by himself. It's accepting or moving on from that that is the hardest (and paralyzing) thing in my life.
Do not make a request that he
Do not make a request that he sees his son elsewhere; tell him that's the way it's going to be. End of story.
Look, your husband is pussy-footing around his son and you are pussy-footing around him. Somebody has GOT to break the cycle or this is never going to change. Let it be you.
It time to either be you or SS
Tell DH to put his stuff in the driveway. He not allowed to come into the house. Now that SS told you of his feelings. I think it’s time to tell SS about your feeling to him, to F**k off !!! Make sure that not a penny of your money ever goes to SS and his excuse of a human.
Everything Harry Said!
Take care of your lovely self by communicating this to DH. I am so sorry you are going through this.
There’s a veteran poster on
There’s a veteran poster on here who received an email like this from her adult SD. I don’t remember the story exactly, but she printed the letter & took it to her attorney, and had them draft a legal document to be sent to SD detailing what would happen if she contacted the poster again.
I think it was at the point she also had her DH removed from the house to stay with the SD until he could prove to his wife he would no longer be supporting his adult DD’s destructive behaviour towards her.
I might have gotten parts of the story wrong, but you get the gist.
These actions worked, and her lawyer has kept a copy of the email on file in case anything ever comes up again. If your SS threatened you in any way, you have grounds to take legal action to shut this down.
It will have an impact on your marriage, but how much of this are you willing to put up with? You’ve been so riddled with anxiety it’s making you physically ill & you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts.
Your DH is not worth this stress. You don’t have to put up with this. Please, for your own sake & mental healthy/physical well being, take some kind of stand against this abuse. And if you’re not in therapy, find yourself the best therapist you can & get the professional help you need to move on from this pos SS nightmare.
When he comes,
take the day and go do something good for yourself. Tell your dh to text you when he's gone. I think hatefilled emails should not have been tolerated by anyone and your DH was making excuses for his kids bad behavior instead of addressing it with him. Go do something simple, a nice lunch or dinner and a good long uplifting movie.
DH needs to beat the $$hite
DH needs to beat the $$hite out him. No man lets anyone disrespect his wife if he truly loves her. Don't let that manchild back into your house.
As sad as this situation may
As sad as this situation may be, I agree that DH needs to put this kid in his place and bust him in the mouth for how the kid is treating dad's wife.
My own dad gave his son's clarity on how his bride would be respected. That his bride is our mom made no difference in that message. That mom never needed dad to set and enforce the expecation on how she would be treated by her son's or anyone else did not discount dad's message.
The OPs DH needs to send this same message. And the OP needs to set and enforce the same expectation.
Your DH is sending his son
Your DH is sending his son the wrong message by not standing up for you. Do you know why he isn’t?! Is he scared his son will treat him the same? Is he just generally scared of his son and kissin his butt?
i think a lot of the depression you feel is because you are allowed to be abused in your own home.
No you should not have to scurry from YOUR home- dad should gather his things for him and drop them off, or put them in bags in the garage for him to retrieve.
I want to stand up but I'm
I want to stand up but I'm not sure I can. As I type this and think about SS21, I start to sweat and shake. I left the house on Christmas too so I wouldn't have to see him. I feel that I am not strong enough to take the emotional abuse he doles out so easily and I am truly scared to see him. Now what? DH yells that he is in the middle, but its the fault of SS and not me.
DH texts him happy things and questions like nothing is going on. Maybe its his way of coping (or pretending everything is fine). I am leaning towards not being there, but I feel like I am a failure and weak. He treats DH worse than me (he has received multiple hateful emails) but he wants to remain "positive" that SS can change. Cold day in h*ll in my opinion. Also, I want to box up the few clothing items he has to give the signal that he is not welcome, but I am afraid of the condequences.