FDH in an impossible situation
I've been with FDH for 4 years now and got engaged a few months prior. Both of us have kids of prior marriages. I have a 14 year old DD whom I share custody with my ex and we manage to co-parrent just fine. He has two kids, SD18 and SS15 who are being heavily alienated by BM. We starting dated a few months after his divorce was finalized. Looking back maybe we should have held up on getting together for a little while longer but we connected immediately
FDh relationship with SD was taken a turn for the worst. She clearly doesn't like me. I get the reason that I've offended her in some way but I have no idea what I've done. Over the course of our relationship, I've tried to bond to her, get to know her, I've taken her out shopping, manicures/pedicures. But noting seemed to work with her. She was and still is ungrateful. When she turned 16, she gave my fiancé an ultimatium. He told her that he can not and will not choose between her and I. She had barley talked to him since. He still messages her on spiecal occasions and on her birthdays to let her know that he's thinking of her and that the door is always open for her should she choose to walk thorugh it. She's very manipulative. He has tried to reach out to her many times before but she doesn't respond. He decided that he would let her come to him.
His son is known for being severly depressed. Their mother feed his depression by causing him to believe that FDH does not care for him, abadoned him, was not contributing to his well being, and had wanted to thow him away for a new family. This woman doe not deserve to be considered a mother. This destoyed his self-worth, self-esteem, made him feel like noting and rejected by SO. He is taking antidepressant and his in therapy. FDH is very involved in his treatment.
Friday night Ss tried to commit suicide. It was SD that found him. She called Bm and Bm called up FDH. He took off. When he got there SD wasn't even speaking to him. He told me that all she said to him was if anything had happened to Ss, then it would be on him. He stayed until Ss regained cousiness and tried to speak him but Ss wouldn't even look at him. FDH tried to ask how he was feeling and Ss just asked him to leave. Before he left, SD gave him FDH Ss's suicide. In it was saying that how FDH abandoned him and he felt that FDH didn't care about him anymore. And how he wishes FDH happy with his "new happy". Cruel.... that's all I have to say. Just cruel.
I don't know what to make of this. I don't hate skids. I feel sorry for them. The only person that I hate his Bm. Why can't she move on with her life!!
BM here is still bitter 10
BM here is still bitter 10 years after they separated. While she hasn’t quite driven SS19 to suicide (yet) she has alienated him and pretty much ruined him for normal functioning.
Your FDH should continue to try to reach out to his kids, but there isn’t much else he can do. He can’t stay single forever because BM wants that.
He's very distraught. He been
He's very distraught. He been crying non stop ever since he came home from the hospital. He doesn't want to lose his kids.
With Sd, he knew just to back off and over time she would come around but he never would have thought that Ss would try to claim his life. Should Ss had passed away, that would have destoyed him. He's been crying non stop since he returned from the hospital
It’s scary, but no matter
It’s scary, but no matter what he does, BM will continue to be enmeshed with the kids and this dynamic will continue. It’s really BM who feels abandoned. If he’s trying to have a relationship with his kids and they continue to refuse to see him and then say HE is abandoning THEM, then you know you are dealing with toxic crap. Just support him through all of this, it’s hard to deal with. He married a toxic woman and now he has to deal with the fall-out.
That's pretty much all I can
That's pretty much all I can a this point. Just be be there for him during this difficult time. It's really disheartening to see him in such a state. I hope the FDH, SD, and SS can come to some sort of resolution soon. I'm sure this whole thing must be very hard on them. I can't even imagine what he must be going through.
I have a 14 year old daughter and just the thought of her going through what Ss is going through shakes me to the core
All he can do is step up his
All he can do is step up his involvement in the therapy and make sure the therapists know what's REALLY going on - SS's enmeshment with BM, and how she's feeding this stuff. Ultimately, SS has to come to terms with this himself, and all DH can do is be loving and available.
Sadly he has already lost his
Sadly he has already lost his kids to their toxic womb donor.
Rather than tolerate this one second longer I believe that it is time to take legal action against BM for her PAS bullshit and at the very least put every fact, document, phone call transcript, court record, letter, etc, etc, etc... in front of both of these young adult children to bare BM's toxic ass and show these children that she has destroyed exactly what their mother has done to them.
I suggest that your DH consult with a top notch attorney to find out what his options are regarding legal action against the BM. Family court is not necessarily what I am talking about. I would look for an attorney that is creative and courageous enough to go after BM for the pain and suffering she has caused.
The odds of a significant reconcilliation between your FDH and his children are about slim and none. But, he can still help them by enlightening them on the toxic bullshit that their mother manipulates them with.
Even if your DH leaves you to
Even if your DH leaves you to go back to them, there will be no real relationship. I would suggest he get a counselor. Anyone not reeling with emotion can see the manipluation a million miles away. The fact of the matter is, kids grow up and have their own lives and families. IF your DH decides to give up on marriage now, the chances are his kids won't ever actually accept him, he will be lonely and divorced again, and they won't ever let him be happy.
Kids need perfessional help
A.S.A.P. Nothing can be done with out outside help. Why is not hospital getting this kid help ? After having two kids with her your SO left her. I am sure she is still bitter. There must be a reason for SS to feel abandoned? Has to feel he was left out, when friends went on family vacations as he didn’t. Is stead of a happy family he got fighting and bitterness
He's been placed on sucide
He's been placed on sucide watch since Saturday. They're not going to discharge him until he's deemed not a threat to himself anymore.
Truth is your man is not
Truth is your man is not where near being ready to have a relationship with you at this moment in time. He has parenting to do. For some reason during the past 4 years, the PAS was not dealt with and allowed to fester. Let me guess, Dad took the high road and never countered the lies from BM with truth and facts to the skids. Now this has happened and SS has focused all the attention on himself. Manipulating or deeply depressed, he screamed for help and his parents came running.
There was a recent poster on the forums who lost a skid to suicide and then lost her marriage. The skid was struggling and placing blame on Stepmom becuase she wanted skid to get help on site so he would be sent away for that help. It was hot mess all the way around and no coming back from it. Hopefully that thread is still around and someone can link to it.
The inability for the skids to come to terms with the divorce of their parents and what that means for them as the grow up was not dealt with. Will that happen now? Not without therapy and with a BM like you have is not going to want to face her demons which are probably the root of all of this dysfunction. So where does that leave you Sumerdale???? Will Dad be able to force quality therapy for his kids? Can he get them away from BM so they have an ounce of hope coming out of this dysfunctional situation?? Or will SS eventually succeed, thereby leaving a dark cloud over any marriage you have with FDH? Leaving behind 3 broken people that you will have to deal with one way or another? Hate to be a downer but this is a really F'd up situation and you will most likely be the scapegoat if anything bad happens.
Your Assumtions are correct.
Your Assumtions are correct. FDH took the high road and didn't address the PAS. He actually stayed married longer to Bm for the sake of the kids even though is was very high stress environment. He wanted to shield them from Bm's toxicity.
He's deeply depressed. Believe me. No Maniplaion on his part. he's literally crying for help.
I've actually been considering walking away. There is a lot to think about though
Sorry you're going through
Sorry you're going through this. I had a pretty similar situation happen this summer where after BM kicked out SD and told her she couldn't deal with her anymore she was staying with us. She got in trouble at our place too and her mom decided to spend a few days spending time with her and have a heart to heart(instead of getting in trouble they spent a few days in a hotel downtown getting pampered. Went to the fireworks and spent time with friends). While gone we went through SDs phone which we had confiscated and found out how much SD had lied, that she was constantly telling her friends she wanted to kill herself, and how bad her behavior really was. On the way to drop SD at our place SD told BM that she had tried to kill herself at our place the night before she left to see BM. She was taken to the hospital and admitted.
Honestly I'm not sure if she really did try to kill herself or just decided that she didn't want to come back now that her dad knew all the stuff she'd been into. We got blamed by her and BM and their relationship was repaired by their united hate for us.
She's decided she no longer wants to "come back to where it happened" and said she has frequent nightmares about SO yelling at her which make her feel like she wants to kill herself again. The last time she messaged her dad she said that he had abandoned her and hadn't reached out since she was in forth grade and that if it wasn't for her mom and me encouraging their relationship he probably wouldn't have talked to her at all. He let her know that he did reach out and that she's the one that chose not to respond and that she avoids him any time there's a hint of conflict and that she's welcome when she feels ready. It's been radio silent since from both BM and SD.
Any time her dad tries to be a parent she runs away and hides behind BM who definitely doesn't discourage that behavior. Although I was concerned at first she's clearly not interested in trying to move forward. In the meantime I've been there for SO when he feels upset but I'm done trying with her if she returns again someday.