I get the sentiment because it feels like we end up doing the same for the boys. BM can't afford socks and underwear, but the kids have a subscription to GameFly. Can't afford $37 for school stuff, but can afford two large pet snakes.

Though, to BM's credit, the boys have never missed a doctor's appointment. With as much custody as your DH has, he should be taking her to the doctor. I assume he has the right to, so why not take her on his own?

I am going to assume that BM got a tax advance loan or whatever those things are called when the tax place gives younsome of your refuns up front.  I completely understand being upset by the irresponsibility of BM.  Our BM bragged that she got over $9,000 last year.  She went on a spending spree and was too broke to visit her own daughter 3 weeks later.  She had been promising SD12 that she would visit for months and she let her down.  DH and I were the ones who had to comfort her.  

My only advice is not to punish your SD for the mistakes of her mother.  She is 12 years old and can't help that get mom is not responsible.

It totally sucks, but you can’t let yourself care about how BM blows her money.

we once had to pay meth mouth 10 grand in back child support, and she blew it all up her nose and in her arms...trust me it stings like a mother f@cker, but I had to let it go.

I like to look at it that all the money we wasted giving to meth mouth and Spawn money I now don’t have to leave behind to those wastes of space.

for Xmas I got her an iPad 6 for $328 and an Apple Pencil for $200. The iPad 6 is compatible with the Apple Pencil . Last

year when she was 10 she got a drawing tablet that was less than that . There is no need to pay thousands for a

12 year old

BM doesn't have her priorities straight. Spending money on non-essential items but not paying rent for a roof over her head or taking her daughter to doctor appointments. I mean where is the sense and the priorities here?? I understand your frustration as my H and I were in somewhat of a similar situation (BM spending the CS on crap and not on their child).

Keep your promise and step back from doing the extras. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do because the BM will always find a way to twist it around like you both aren't sh!t. Just be loving & supportive like you've always been but guarded. If she asks you for anything refer her to her father and hopefully he'll tell her nicely that the CS that her mother is getting will cover it.

Ohh I would be annoyed for sure. 

I remember when DH and I were dating and not sharing finances for many reasons, we have always had full-custody of SD with BM getting visitation in the summer. BM never paid child support and still doesn't. She kept the child benefits we get in our province because "she pushed her out" and would fight hard to convince the government she had SD. We finally cleared that up after getting married, but anyway, she paid NOTHING.

DH was working 2 jobs to provide for SD and still coming up short after daycare, rent and utilities, so I was always the one buying her school lunches/food. The school had a pizza program and DH did his best to afford it, but most times, he had no money at all leftover after buying what was needed, so she didn't get pizza money 90% of the time. BM once dropped her off after her summer visitation and handed DH an envelope with $20 in it in front of SD saying "make sure this goes to pizza, don't spend it on ANYTHING else" 

DH was livid, understandably so. He had called her earlier before SD left for visitation saying "I know I said we could avoid child support if you helped, but you haven't been helping. Can you please send even $100 a month towards our daughter? It would make a big difference and she would be able to have some treats instead of just necessities that I can afford" and she said "What do you want me to do? I don't even have $5 to my name, I can't do anything. It's not my fault you live an expensive life!"