Guilt trip for not spending my free time with SO and skids.
Why should I feel guilty for seeing my friends? Going to the gym? Going to a restaurant or movie I like? For the record my SO NEVER tells me I cannot do these things but he will guilt me very passively when I do them and say "I thought you would want to spend time me and the kids" He passively makes me feel bad for not spending my free time off work on myself and not on his kids. Odd thing is I am made to feel guilty constantly about anything I do for myself and I am always made to feel as if I am not doing enough for him and his kids when I am around. I'm never affectionate enough. I dont try hard enough. That is why they are rude to me I am told. However the needs of my partner are taking my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd spots behinds my career and only that. However I am not even a 2nd 3rd or 4th priority of his. I come behind his kids, his mother and his work. Is this a joke? I understand his kids come first but I also have needs and technically those are not my kids and Im only stepmom on certian occasions. Thats it!
Before I left I too had a
Before I left I too had a list. I felt I came behind his work, his family and his boat- that made me fourth in line. He didn't get it- he just said he didn't have priorities.
Now his priority will never be me because he no longer has the privilege of my being in his life. I am now my own first priority and that is very liberating. Have you thought about that?
do you regret leaving? what
do you regret leaving? what led to you leaving the relationship? I am seriously considering leaving for the first time in a long time. It was a long cold drawn out holiday season that pretty much revolved around his kids once again. Everythign from his son slamming the door in my face and forgeting I was walking in to grandmas house to me being ignored by my spouse in many other ways. I get it. They are kids. It is like this a lot of the time now. He literally did nothing for me during the holidays. NOTHING. Nothing for xmas or new years. Not even a little gift to say I love you or a dinner date. His kids were showered with nonstop gifts as usual, some that I helped pay for. I felt used. His kids dont act great a lot of the time anyways. They can be very entitled and sometimes rude and he will say "They are just kids" We ended up having a conversation that went no where not only about his kids behaviors but also his coldness towards me. Maybe I was too harsh about it but I was hurt. It led to him storming out and not speaking to me for several days. Im lonely without him but not sure what to do. Im not thrilled at how I am treated when I am there either. There were mornings where the kids were off school and everyone was just chilling on the couch. I was used as the dog walke because no one would walk the very hyper dog who kept barking. I was told she only acts that way because I am around and if I sat on the couch everyone would tell me to tell her to stop and start screaming at me to tell her to stop. She is not my dog. I had no choice but to take her on a walk then go sit upstairs in the bedroom by myself. I am so confused at this point and very hurt. You mentioned you came behind his work, family and boat. I feel that I come behind his kids, his mother, his work. HIs mother even takes top billing over me. If he is bored and has nothing to do he will go to his moms house and hang out with her. If she needs anything he is right there. Sweet I used to think but it is too much. I feel like I dont belong anywhere in his life.
The dog is only that way with
The dog is only that way with you because the dog knows you are the one who will take it for a walk. Who does the dog belong to? And why are they not walking it? That's not very fair to the animal who doesn't deserve to be stuck inside all day.
Skids begged to get a dog so
Skids begged to get a dog so he got them a dog but they never walk him or play with him. They are allowed to be lazy, watch tv and play video games all day while the dog acts hyper and tears things up. They have acted like it is my job to walk him because Im the only one who does it. Well I left. I havent been there in weeks. I moved out and am back in my rental property so not sure whats going on with the dog. Poor dog I would love ot take him but know that he would never allow it. I do miss that dog. They acted like it was my fault that the dog acted hyper around me. I always was doing something wrong.
No, I don't regret leaving-
No, I don't regret leaving- not for a single minute. Yes, it would ne nice to have someone to share things with, sometimes-like for just two minutes in a week I might wish that- but I have no regrets at all- ever.
What led me to leave? I finally challenged him about his Disney daddy attitudes and his coldness towards me, he told me he wanted to leave- but hadn't had the guts to do it- so I did it instead. I was just in the wrong place- now I'm in the right one. You deserve better than this man, who sounds as if he is treating you very badly.
I had no MIL issue as his mum died soon after I met him, but my OSD was a nightmare person, seriously screwed up and I really couldn't deal with her anymore.
I hope you get your confidence and self-esteem back, and that you surround yourself with good friends and people who appreciate your company- life is far too short to waste it on people who resent you- get out there and show everyone you can do it and leave all that craziness behind.
What makes you stay with this
What makes you stay with this guy? You seem very unhappy. Fear is usually what keeps people stuck in bad relationships.
No..no no.. His kids should
No..no no.. His kids should NOT come FIRST!!! He has an obligation to care for them.. ensure their safe and that their physical needs are met and that they are loved (as in parent child love). His obligations to you are to make you his partner.. to love and honor you. Your needs are not subjugated to others. Now, obviously there may be a finite amount of time, money etc.. to go around... but you should never feel that he is prioritizing his kids over you ALL the time.
In a family, the couple is the glue that holds the home together.. they are the primary relationship. Now, that doesn'tmean that there will be times when some of the family will have a need that trumps the spouse.. but it isn't an automatic thing. If the kids have a ball game and you have a work commitment he needs to attend with you.. guess what... he goes with YOU and kids get a ride with someone else. But..it's the playoff game and you just want him to hang out at home and watch TV? well.. he should go to that game.. it's relatively more important right?
A big part of it is his
A big part of it is his mothers control over his life. His mother is overbearing and needy. She tried to control my life too but I put a stop to it. If she is at his kids games then he better be there with her. Even if ex is also there or ex in laws or whomever. Its not like the kid is ever by himself at his games. There is always at least one other person there to watch his games so he is never alone. But it has gotten to where I have found other things to do that I enjoy (going to the gym, yoga, lunch with friends, cycling). I will go to his kids games sometimes but only sometimes. I have to work most of the time so I cannot attend. I dont feel it is my place to be at everything especially since I am not their mother. I am a pt step mother at most but half the time I feel nonexistant from his life anyways in many other ways. He also hangs out with his mother at these things and I feel like a third wheel. The only one out of the bunch that I didnt mind being around was the ex mother in law as weird as that sounds. She is remarried and has her own life. You can tell she has put distance between herself and my SO's family but she is always very nice and welcoming to me.
Please consider going to talk
Please consider going to talk to a therapist for a few sessions. Ask how to cope with your current situation with boyfriend since you seem to want to stay put.
Edit to add this: Feelings of guilt. Guilt should be felt IF you act illegally or immorally. Not for going out to the gym. People who should feel guilt usually don't.
Women for some reason feel 'guilt' for everything...not baking cookies for fundraisers to doing out to lunch with friends while the kids are at home with dad.
They feel guilty about feeling guilty....
Over used and mis-used word.
Enjoy your time at the gym and with your friends. LIVE LIFE to the fullest.!!!
He treats you very poorly.
He treats you very poorly. And has been this whole time you were posting about him and you are still asking “why”. Id ask a different “why”. Why are you still with him.
He is honestly one of the worst partners I am reading on this site. He didn’t even get you anything for the holidays and did nothing nice for you. He is using you. He is likely missing you cleaning his house, giving him money when he is short on bills and paying for his kids meals at a restaurant (forgot what was his rationale for that one)
If he missed actual you, he’d treat you much better.
And dont let some people on this site to tell you that’s how divorced men are. Absolutely not. That’s only how a$$holes are, divorced or not.
Get your self esteem up and find your self respect and don’t date jerks. Make this your last jerk you ever dated
Never feel guilty about going to the gym!
I love working out. LOVE IT. It is my sanity and gives me energy and peace. I have been working out regularly since I was 19 (now I'm 47) - 4-6 days per week (6 the last several years). Not even my own kids when they were babies, woud come between me and my workouts. Even ex-DH knew that, as abysmal as he was as a father. DH works out too (he did before I met him but definitely has taken it up several notches and jokes I'd divorce him if he did not...I guess that is not entirely a joke because this is so fundamental to me I'd feel we lacked connection on a core value). Anyway the idea of feeling guilty for working out is blasphemy to me, and the idea of my POS SS getting in the way of that is true absurdity! Do NOT feel guilty for doing the best thing possible for yourself!
Enjoying playing with your kids
Being a great friend to your kids, does not make you a great father. Originally he should of wanted to go out with you. Without the kids. He had plenty of free time with BM before the kids. But does not want free time with you. ??
"I thought you would want to
"I thought you would want to spend time me and the kids"
"And I thought I was marrying a man who did not need to be constantly entertained instead of a juvenile who needs someone to wipe his nose and pamper he and his kids 24/7"
End of discussion.
Quit letting this prick play you. Live your life. He either steps up and delivers as your equity life partner or.... he can find a nurse maid to coddle he and his spawn while you move on with your life.