How do you keep the anger at bay?
We are blended on both sides, with two from my previous marriage and two from my DH's. My ex and I for the most part stay out of each other's way, we are not harmonious by a wide margin, but we maybe have one issue every few months. My bio children are left out of all conflict and have a health relationship with both of us.
My DH's ex and his children are a different story. After the breakup something inside his ex snapped, and she became a wholly different person then the woman my DH or even her own family knew.
She is every bad BM story youve heard wrapped into one. She lives in a constant state of self induced trauma, every week is something new and catastrophic. She lives off child support with her equally unemployed boyfriend, the food bank, and the generosoty of others in the community who believe lies she tells them. She has had groups formed about her from past people she has used, warning others not to buy in. She has chosen to go years without working and providing the absolute bear minimum to the kids while she spends money on smokes, booze, tattoos and beauty products. She self harms to get meds, or just makes up illnesses to get what she needs, shes at the doctors every week with something new. Add to all that lying daily to children, taking thier money, attempts at alienation, violations to the order, abandoning her oldest girl at our home without warning because she couldn't handle that she refused to hate my DH, hypochondria, guilt, unpredicatabiity, punishment, I could go on and on. On my end she constantly puts my one bio child down to my step kids and makes fun of his speech indpediment, makes all kinds of fat jokes about me, and has said she hopes I die in front of the chidren. She asks week after week to change access times and is always trying to get rid of the smallest child whenever she can, as soon as she can,,,,but at the same time won't just give him up because she can't lose the child support. The oldest child barelely has a relationship with her, she's actually told us in front of her counsellor that her worst nightmare would be ending up like her mother, and has asked that I be appointed as a legal gaurdian which I have been...It's all very sad, very tiring, and very, very pathetic.
The divorce took forver, and because of her antics, things did not go well for her and shes confined to an order with many conditions, none of which she follows all the time but at least provides for some stable behaviour. CPS has been called and they did an investigation that was ruled "inconclusive" because she knows how to put on a good show of being a victim, but also couldnt fully convince them theres no wrongdoing. She always walks that line, where shes doing just enough to keep from getting in trouble, and also just enough to make life hell. If she feels she may get busted she turns on the perfect mom routine until the storm passes, making the kids feel secure again and wanting her around...then reverting right back to shitty behaviour as soon as she senses things have died down. The soical worker told us cases like this where its "bad but not bad enough" kill her. We are 60000 dollars in to fighting this, and at this point all the professionals are telling us this is just something that the kids will have to survive, and even the judge in our case has told us we just have to find a way to rise above, while handing BM a contempt warning...one more and she loses what custody she has left of the youngest. I am in counselling with my DH to ensure we stay healthy and strong through all this and we have taken a coparenting course to see if that would help, what I really need is an effective release for this incredible anger I feel towards her. I am watching children I love and am raising as my own, get hurt constantly by the actions of a woman that does not seem to care in the least. I have seen hurt and pain in thier eyes I can't unsee. The sense of helplessness my DH feels is crushing, and the system is so broken. My DH and I have worked our assess off to get to the happy home we have today, but theres always this crap in the background. I truly don't understand how one human being can be so toxic to just about everyone around them, and show no empathy or even understanding of the hurt her actions cause. The things shes managed to get away with astound me. I want so badly to tell her how awful I think she is however I know that would only serve my needs, and make life worse for everyone else. The silence kills me though.
I am sure I am not the only one living this....how do others cope? Why is "rising above" so difficult? The temptation to just go right the hell off on this woman is sometimes so overwhelming I literally feel myself vibrating. Ive tried journaling, meditating, yoga, therapy, wine ;)....any ideas from those whove been here are welcomed, and sending good thoughts to those who are going through it now.
TIA and sorry for the rambling.
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can empathize, we raised my DH's daughter because his ex became a Meth addict. I don't understand mothers who chose drugs over their children, but I also don't understand kids who chose the unstable psycho parent. I got through by the skin of my teeth and towards the end I was ready just to leave my DH until his Sapwn had aged out. This site can be a wealth of support.
A bad scene
I feel for you, she's terrible. Our late BM was volatile and let her 3 kids go even though she thought and said I was trash and even though she swore they didn't like coming here. But she wasn't in the same league as your BM who is beyond the beyond. I had anger, too, counseling helped but you're already doing that.
As I read your post, I thought: self-induced trauma, check; living off others, check; people warning others about her, check; not working, check; scheming to get meds, check; liar, check. It all describes my SD59 who, I believe, learned it all at BM's knee. It just goes on and on, another generation. I can disengage from SD but in your case, even if you disengage, the ongoing damage is still occurring. I don't blame you for being angry.
I feel for you and honestly I
I feel for you and honestly I still haven't let the anger go, in fact I thought I was able to move on from it all a few years ago but these recent months I've been thinking about so many things and just get so angry. I had to "rise above it" while BM did their thing. Are you the mature responsible one in the situation at the end of the day... sure, but being virtuous gives very little at the end of the day.
Sometimes I wish I'd just punched BM in the mouth, actually that's a huge regret of mine. In all seriousness if I could go back I'd definitely would of went off on BM, and maybe you should do too. It could be therapeutic and you'd be letting the route cause of your families distress get the earful they deserve. Will it register to your BM what an absolute trash person she is? Nah! Crazy BM do nothing wrong in their mind and are always the victim but it will give you the release that you'll need.
I feel for you because Thier
I feel for you because Thier is nothing worse than being trapped in a situation where you have no control and someone else is pulling the strings.
My SO is still stuck in this situation. I have disengaged because that's the only control I have. SO needs to find his own boundaries when it comes to BM and her antics.
I have already done the work with my exH. 6 years post divorce we only communicate when absolutely necessary but he stays out of my lane and I stay out of his. We have only had to go to court once in those 6 years.
Basically from the beginning I never fed into exH drama, he would make attempts but get no response from me. He would try to get to me through DS I addressed that very quickly with DS that we aren't going to discuss BD or anything that happens at his home.
Eventually exH gave up because his behavior wasn't being reinforced and he moved on to new targets. I put DS in counseling so he could learn to deal with exH for himself. Because that is his father and they will always have a relationship.
I accepted long ago that the
I accepted long ago that the anger won't go away. The best I can hope for is to lock it up and not let it loose every time something happens.
I also lowered my expectations. I see the BM in my life as an "eternal teenager", so I only expect her to behave as such. It helps that the boys are teenagers/emerging adults and see her immaturity, too. The mommy worship is gone, as is frequent contact with her.
The mental shift in how I view her helps a lot. As does venting how I truly feel about her on here to others who get it. Journaling and meditation are great, but it's also good to have your feelings validated - and validated by folks in a similar boat as you. You know that if we agree with you, you're likely spot on with your feelings. If we provide a different perspective or advice, it comes from a place of knowing, not "because that's how blended families should work" nonsense.
This is difficult stuff. It will make you feel crazy, and angry, and sad. Accept that it will make you feel those things, feel them and let them flow out of you, and let us be here to help you sort through it all as it leaves your system.
Good luck to you!
I can't let go of the anger
I can't let go of the anger either. I did get an RX for anxiety and that helps when we are in the middle of battles. My physical reactions were just too much. I couldn't even say her name with out shaking, tunnel vision, panic attacks. It was really bad.
I really don't have any advice. Family court has been a giant failure for us. It is disgusting what BM has been able to get away with, much like what you are dealing with. I just want to say you aren't alone... This community has been my saving grace.
Thank you!
Thank you everyone! It's nice to know at the very least that I'm not alone, but it sucks that this is happening to so many people. I'm with all of you...hugs.