How much more simple can you get than saying you don't want to SD to come on holiday with you? She lives with you anyway??

Just keep repeating it, like a mantra... he's hoping you will change your mind. Don't.

"Okay DH, she can come so long as she pays for her own part of the trip."

My parents took XH and I on a trip to Florida when we graduated high school, but he and I still had to pay for our own food, activities, etc. They covered the hotel and gas to get there. After that trip, every vacation I ever took was on my own dime.

It's not unreasonable to expect an older teen to have some skin in the game when it comes to a trip. She is already going somewhere over Spring Break, so it's not like she isn't taking a vacation this year.

I don't think it's particularly odd for her to vacation with her mom, why does that make her codependent? She's only 19, first off, but honestly, I still go on vacations with my mother from time to time.

So effectively, your DH patted you on the head and said I know you are adjusting, and then got on with doing things exactly as he likes.

Does SD work? Is she in school?

Nineteen is an "in between" age -- not quite an adult, not a kid. Some 19-year-olds have nothing to do with their parents; others are like 5-year-olds in big bodies. I don't know that either is wrong -- it's just a family dynamic specific to the family. But when you don't like the skid, it's awful when they're clingy.

Yea, she's taking a trip with BM, but your husband wants his time with her too and he's probably willing to pay for it. (Ugh.) Maybe compromise...Dublin is just for you -- no kids. But some other time this year, he could rent a place and you can all suffer through a "family" vacation. Or he can rent a place and you can "suffer" at home alone in the peace and quiet!

If you can't afford both, take your Dublin trip and do something smaller with the skids or rent a place for just a long weekend.

These dads don't want to talk about how miserable their kids make their wives. The less you talk about it, the less he has to hear about a situation he's probably not handling well. Keep talking. Keep it civil, but don't let him forget that this is not an ideal living situation for you. It's easy for him to be comfortable with SD -- it's his kid. But if you need therapy to make him address the issues, don't let up until he goes.

For our 20th wedding anniversay, I suggested we take a family cruise (secretly, I meant my kids only who I only see 2x a year).  We invited the adults & grandkids.  Of course, my SD was invited.  I really didn't want her there, but you can't invite some kids and not the others.  What if the table was turned, and DH said he wants his daughter, but not the young ones to go?   You have a family of FIVE, not four... 

I think your therapist is wasting your time and not dealing with the correct issue.

The point of your therapy isn't to get your husband to understand that the fact that his daughter is around in his home drives you crazy.. or to get him to agree to kick her out.

The point of the therapy should be coping mechanisms for YOU to figure out how to not go crazy for the time that she IS there.  Because.. she is there.  Your husband is very unlikely to kick his school going, working daughter out of the home. He is likely ENJOYING having her around since he didn't have as much time with her due to custody arrangements.  It is also very likely a somewhat temporary situation as his daughter will eventually graduate.  Perhaps the agreeing that once she does.. then she must get a FT job and move out?  Then just figure out your sanity methods in the mean time with your therapist.  Perhaps it means you go to a hotel once  a week with your DH for a romance vacation?  Maybe you set date nights?  Maybe you join a Gym or take a class when she is typically at home to give yourself a break.  Maybe you get with her and insist that SHE go out and do something one or two nights a week..

I mean, I get it that she is cramping your style so to speak.. but holding on to the resentment and watering that seed instead of figuring out how to make your lemonade.. is going to cause problems in your relationship with your husband that won't go away once this girl does move on with her life. 

So, while venting can be good.. if you are focusing so much of your energy on that resentment and venting doesn't relieve that.. I think you need to stop venting about it because I think for some people that makes the problem worse.

I'm of the mindset that every kid needs milestones at certain ages.  Your little ones deserve to have family vacations if you can swing it and just because there is an older sister involved doesn't mean she gets to go.  She is nineteen and she should be out experiencing life on her own.  She doesn't need go on this trip, she is in a different phase of her life and if she pouts about not being included she needs a dose of reality about her stage in life.  

I also have an ours child with much older siblings.  Once the kids reached 18 and in college, they didn't go on trips with us.  They knew because I taught them and encouraged them to take over responsibility for their own lives. 

Momof2girls, has anyone told SD about what life looks like at 19 and actually given her a clue that its time for her to be responsible for her own life?  Has anyone told her father that its his job as a parent to foster that mindset?  I do think that is your biggest problem in this is DH.   He has no idea how to a parent an older child and spell things out for her.   

Being forced to be stuck in this situation is unfair to everyone involved.  Go on the vacation without her and leave her to play adult at home.  It would be a good experience for all involved and a major learning lesson on how far behind she is in adulting and how much needs to be taught to her so she can launch successfully.  

Letting her tag along will only prolong her education in adulting.  IMO  

My DH and I were just talking about trips and I said something about maybe it being fun after they are done with college to surprise them with a trip. We've done a few with them and it was nice. But then he went on to say that it would be nice to take them overseas and let them invite a significant other too so they all have a +1. My response was: eewww. He looked at me wondering. I said they'd all want their own room and I don't want to pay for the kids to have a f@#$-fest in an exotic location on my dime. Nope. Not with some other kids I don't know and we have then three more people to coordinate with and work around. Nope. He can do that.

I know where it came from. He was just visiting his family and three of his nephews/nieces all have serious boyfriends/girlfriends. He came back gushing about how nice it was and I think he envisions our kids at that age and with SOs. But that was a small holiday get-together, a specific event, no one had to pay for anyone else, and it was a short duration.

DH and I married 6 months ago. No, we actually eloped, to save money and conflict.

Never got a honeymoon. So NOW I am making the same amount of money and researching trips that we can take over weekends (Im not eligible for paid vacation time until June). Not at any time have I considered taking Munchkin SD12, on these weekend getaways, unless its a camp-out thing. MAinly just thinking of DH and myself.

On all our little weekend trips (yosemity, San Francisco, etc) DH never really went out of his way to include stepkids at all. I was always the one that wanted to take the skids on our journeys. I am less than enthusiastic now - Toxic Feral Eldest was such a b!tch to the youngest, and would delight in making her cry, it always became a really bad time. And then spending of money became an issue, because they would need food and then he couldnt buy anything for me, without buying something for them too or they would pout.

I guss if money is not an issue its fine. But an SD that is always around, and then you get to vacation with her - no way is that a real vacation!