Update: Diet as PAS?
You guys were right, but it no longer matrers. Weekend visits will no longer be an issue.
We're actually moving 6 hours further away this summer to be closer to my family due to, well, 3 new members on the way, so his visits are going to decrease. Weekend visits will no longer be happening. The new schedule proposed is 6 weeks of the summer, a week of winter break as well as spring break every other year.
DH is finally giving up. Now that he's realizing that at most he'll have SD for 8 weeks a year (likely much less with his job), he's accepted that he has little control over her. As long as she's polite, she can eat and do as she likes when she's here. Nothing is worth adding more stress.
I don't like the idea of a free range child, but I now am dealing with a high risk pregnancy and a high needs family. I have to put my children first.
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Well - not micromanaging her
Well - not micromanaging her food doesn't mean "free range" (I assume you mean by that, a child who can do whatever she wants). Of course there will still be basic rules in the house that she will have to follow.
Not really. As long as she's
Not really. As long as she's basically cooperative, we're not going to have conflict. She'll likely be here one month out of the year in total. My husband's job involves a lot of absenses, so he likely won't be taking all his visitation. That with the babies coming means that a support network for me is the #1 priority.
There won't be any chores, we won't be interfering in her play as long as she's quiet, and BM will have the control (and $$) she wants. Win-win.
That's what I meant by basic
That's what I meant by basic rules - "basically cooperative".
Yep, sounds like a good situation for you.
Are you having Triplets????
Are you having Triplets????
If so congratulations and yes! You have to put your pregnancy and those babies 1st. DH needs to shoulder this burden and leave your stress levels down to a minimum.
My kids to out of state visitation with their dad, as we are on different coasts. It works. Mine go longer in the summer than that, actually 10 weeks and also they do Thanksgiving and spring break every year. It works for all of us and phone calls and facetime help. It will all be ok.
DH has a job where he'll be
DH has a job where he'll be gone for long periods, so my support system has to take priority. It's also why he didn't get much time and won't likely be taking the time he has.
What?
"giving in" and feeding the child food that is consistent with her regular diet is not "free range parenting". You are acting like you and your DH have been worn down and are going to let this 3 year old act like a pre-Annie Helen Keller. But now he's all "well, if I can't make her eat some wagyu there's no point in raising her at all.. let's move closer to your family, babe." Dude needs to get a grip.
I am honestly surprised BM hasn't made a bigger fuss about this. If my DH remarried some shiksa who tried to make DD eat porkchops, I would be filing paperwork so fast his head would spin.
We're also not interfering in
We're also not interfering in her education in any way (not possible) and she'll be allowed free reign over electronics.
So not just the food.
How does a 3-year-old have
How does a 3-year-old have free reign over electronics? I don’t understand that.
Even if BM allows more screen time than you’d like doesn’t mean you have to do the same. You can have house rules (as long as the rules don’t make any of the household members sick.) big difference between “everybody eats hotdogs” and “everybody puts electronics away at dinner.”
I don't know or care what BM
I don't know or care what BM's rules are, but we're willing to do/allow anything to just keep her quiet and out of the way.
Seriously? Little control all
Seriously? Little control all because the girl is being raised on a mostly vegetarian diet and calling her free range? She’s a 3 year old who’s about to loss daddy to his new family after he’s spent months pretty much abusing her by forcing her to eat food he knew would hurt her.
You're probably right that he’ll have even less contact since you’re already writing off time due to his work. Seems like he doesn’t want the time and you have no intent to support his relationship with his current daughter.
Remember PAS isn’t just caused by the other parent. Your SO has done a good job of PAS’ing the kid from himself all on his own.
Wow. Just wow. Let's hope
Wow. Just wow. Let's hope that your children don't have any food allergies and have to eat what your 'D'H calls GIRLY food.
Your husband is a bad parent. Period. At least SD won't be sick the majority of the year. For her sake, let's hope her awful father won't be able to take her for visitation and she won't be force-fed food that makes her sick. SMH
Giving up is the best thing
Giving up is the best thing your husband can do for his child. Better he have less time with her than continue to abuse her. And it IS abuse. And you let him.
It doesn't matter if I like my skids or not. Had my husband ever abused them, I would have stepped in. Shame on you for witnessing the abuse of that little girl and doing nothing. Frankly, I pray your husband's work schedule will not allow him to abuse that baby for 6 weeks of Summer. He could bloody well kill her.
He won't bother with her diet
He won't bother with her diet any more. He's accepted that he can't really change anything and she can eat what and how she wants.
There are more pressing concerns.
A more pressing concern is
A more pressing concern is whether or not your 'D'H will abuse your unborn children.
Like Cooooookies, I would report you both if I could.
Considering, sadly, they will
Considering, sadly, they will most likely be born premature and struggle with health issues it’s not so much a question of if but when and if OP will allow it like she did with SD.
This man seems to think the girl’s diet was a choice on her part and he can just force her to get over it one weekend a month. He wants to blame BM for the child being miserable in his home and fearful of coming to see him despite it being only his and OP’s fault for forcing the girl to be sick every time she came over. They want to say the girls LONG TERM DIET that BM herself follows is all an effort against them.
What happens when the new children come home and they can’t just eat “normal” things? Is daddy suddenly going to be this kind, caring, understanding, and EDUCATED parent who understands that not everyone can process the same foods? Or will he tell OP that she’s babying them and they need to just get used to it?
What about when they need special formula that’s easier for them to process or medication before each meal so they can just hold down the food?
I have a family member whose child is “normal” and yet had such issues with indigestion as a baby before EVERY bottle he had to take medication or else he would just throw it up… I can picture daddy here… “Stop giving him that, you’re babying him, and he needs to toughen up.”
My fourth had
GERD and colic so bad that she stayed on special formula until she was two. At 15 she still has issues with certain foods. Her stomach was just a mess. Plus she cried all the time until she was six months old. She is a pretty typical child other than that and my only one with stomach issues. It was hell! I can see this man becoming physically abusive if he had to deal with a child who cried a lot or had special needs.
Great! Best thing for this
Great! Best thing for this child is to not be around her abusive father much at all. Hopefully she will just not be able to be around him at ALL.
And FYI – I can’t believe anyone would breed with this man knowing how abusive he is to his child. I hope you know that your children will be the brunt of his issues now. And if you think he won’t abandon “your” children like he is the other child, …think again.
He makes my skin crawl.
If I knew who you guys were,
If I knew who you guys were, I'd report you both. Shameful behaviour to an innocent 3 year old. I pray for your babies sake they never have any dietary needs or allergies. What the flip is wrong with you two?!?!!
I would as well
They are abusing this child and will likely abuse their own. I have zero tolerance for child abuse of any kind.
Is your DH going to be home to keep
Ranges on this free Range kid, who it three years old. No three or four year old is going to play by herself and be quite. Never saw a quite four year old. She not a fish where you can put her in a bowl and feed her. You better rethink this
She won't be that young
She won't be that young forever. By her 2nd summer visit with us (1st full one), she'll be five.
Your DH is super smart to
Your DH is super smart to give up on the kid he had with his ex and focus solely on you and yours!!! Also super smart to give her whatever she wants as long as it keeps her quiet and"out of the way"! You have this step parenting thing down, so I guess you won't be needing this site anymore!!! You guys are golden! *ok*
Your post
makes you just as abusive as he is. Honestly NEITHER of you should have any children around you at all. This child and her mother did nothing wrong. Your husband has been abusing her through food and now it's just "as long as she shuts up and stays out of the way then great." Why bother with visits at all? And why stay married to an abusive asshole and have kids with him? Having a regular dietary plan is not "free range" and free range doesn't mean what you think it means. Free range is giving kids age and maturity appropriate freedoms. That does not mean unlimited electronics and no rules. SMDH. Plus she is still a small child and needs supervision and human contact when she is with you and your husband.
You and your husband are truly the type of people the other parent complains about. You have admitted that your husband thinks his new kids and family are a priority over his older child and you have somehow made mom out to be the bad guy in this. The two of you need to look in a mirror to find your villains.
She'll be visiting when he's
She'll be visiting when he's around so she can know that her father cares about her.
However life is too chaotic to care if she reads at the dinner table or what she eats and chores aren't worthwhile.
I wouldn't stay with a man
I wouldn't stay with a man that treated his THREE YEAR OLD like this. And you seem to be rolling over and deferring to him - how?! Why?! This is clearly wrong and you damn well know it (or you should). Are you going to sit by idle when he treats your children like crap too? And further, I have a hard time believing a man that can treat his young child lile this treats women well.
The way your husband is treating his daughter is nothing short of horrific.
Why have her at all then if
Why have her at all then if your DH doesn't want to parent her? His visitation will be so low that BM will get max CS. He didn't bother to change jobs to make visitation realistic before, or make it realistic for you with triplets. He didn't bother to make minor accommodations to his cooking to fit the diet she is accustomed to. He doesn't want anything to do with her education. He doesn't sound interested in connecting with her and doing things with her - he just wants her quiet while she is there.
So why waste the money on her visit at all? He doesn't want to be a father unless he 100% gets his way. Might as well give up on Family #1 and put whatever little effort he has into his new Family #2.
Seriously, what made you choose this man to father your children?
He probably won't have her
He probably won't have her that much anymore. I don't have the energy to take an extra child by myself, and my children will be an enormous responsibility.
This wasn't intentional, but it is what it is and with family support, we'll make it work.
Don't forget to get her a
Don't forget to get her a pony too and ask BM to pay for her college fund now. Oh and get MIL to send you photos of SD when you have less time with her.