SD date planner
Like so many others my husband has it all together, is loving and good to me in almost every other way, but he is like a smitten 14 year old afraid to displease his manipulative, whiny, narcissistic daughter, 29.
What inspired me to post is a text stream whereby SD has invited herself to join us on vacation, a vacation that includes myself, my husband, and handicapped relatives who will be in our care during the vacation. SD has jumped on the opportunity as i predicted she might, to show up and recreate..adventures, bike trips, etc, with daddee while i am left behind doing 'boring things' in her words, with the others. That was not the plan, but DH will not stand up to her, and i am the evil hater interfering in their relationship. Meanwhile she texts him, as this vacay is over VDay, what should we do for VDay?Dad? as though, we are not married and he and she are the primary couple. She is pretty and has bfs, but they are always long distance, daddee is always there as the local date, even the valentine. She tries to butt into our financial info, our furniture choices, gift giving, menus, every aspect that is normal to a husband/wife, she feels entitled that her daddee needs her opinion and I am not his wife. She could care less that i have disengaged...after 8 years with this stuff. DH will not man up...I am always the villianess, SD the innocent victim in his eyes and seems to think that if it's not sexual there's nothing wrong with their relationship. He says i'm jealous, which makes me cringe, not in the least! I am proud of who I am now, and who I was at her age. Who raises a woman to act like this in the 21st century? She works a fun low paying job part time, no ambition, living off of inheritance and talks the talk of all of her future plans, no follow thru, ever. Wants daddee and BM back together.
You have allowed this for 8
You have allowed this for 8 years? How? This simply would not be ok for me and I wouldn't put up with it. I would draw a firm hard line on this. If this is how your vacation goes - your husband running off to do fun crap with his daughter, leaving you to tend to the handicapped relatives - I would leave him.
"As long as its not sexual" it's ok...yeah, that leaves you to be the "equipment" that serves that purpose. Nothing more.
Does he seriously leave you on Valentine's Day to fawn over her? Hell no. He's treating you like the sex equipment.
SD date planner
Point taken. Keep thinking she'll move on, move away, grow up, etc. And we do date/have most quality time together, he is a good husband to me as stated, she's always on the lookout for an opportunity to swoop in. Not all VDays are with her.
Jealous
"What an odd choice of words, DH. Usually women are jealous over romantic rivals. Is that what you think SD is to me? A romantic rival? Well that certainly puts all her butting in and "dates" with you into perspective. Perhaps we should have a chat about her role in your life and the fact that I'm your wife."
NICE!!!
Are you a SD? Sounds like it.
War of the Roses
Clearly DH is not creating clear boundaries here and the boot up his arse is way overdue. I do hope you have a steel-toed pair.
"i am the evil hater interfering in their relationship." I wouldn't worry about how SD perceives you. She'll create friction regardless of what you do or don't do because she must be FIRST in daddy's eyes. Any DH who fails to put his SO/spouse before the children has created a faulty base for any relationship to stand on.
I am always the villianess, SD the innocent victim in his eyes and seems to think that if it's not sexual there's nothing wrong with their relationship.
When I was experiencing this mini-wife issue, I realized that DH never quite saw how truly dysfunctional the behavior was. I was hesitant to point out the dysfunction because I did not want to be the villain nor did I want DH to think I was jealous. The turn of fate happened when SD amped up her mini-wife game to include inappropriate sexually-charged behaviors which DH was extremely uncomfortable with yet said or did nothing at first. But, this is when SD shot herself in the foot.
These incidents made is easier for me to speak up and point out how overtly "incestual" SD's behaviors were. The connotations of the word INCEST make people writhe so I kept using the term "emotional incest" to peak DH's level of discomfort. This finally prompted him to put a stop to the mini wife behavior, tell SD I was priority and set clear boundaries as to what he and I would tolerate. Because as another poster said, the only line SD hadn't crossed was the physical intimacy.
Your DH is responsible for allowing this mini-wife behavior to continue and he has to be the one to put his foot down. Tell him how much emotional duress this causes you. Have that uncomfortable "talk" with him and the next time he calls you jealous...call his behavior INCESTUAL. Throw that ball back in his court. He and SD are the ones engaging in dysfunctional trysts.
One year on Valentine's, DH sent me and SD the same lavish bouquet of dozen roses. DH explained he felt sad for her on Valentines. I asked, "is she your lover as well? Then, why would you send the same bouquet meant for a lover?" (I could understand perhaps a single rose, but not the same huge bouquet with lovey dovey sentiment.) I explained to DH that It is up to SD's boyfriend (whenever she finally has a boyfriend as she is a relationship avoidant) to send her a dozen roses. She does not have the same relationship with you nor has she done the work to deserve the lover's rewards of Valentine's day." SD gets the perks and decision-making opportunities of a wife and lover when she has committed to her own relationship/marriage with a man.
Are the handicapped relatives
Are the handicapped relatives on your side or his? Just curious.
I’d politely decline the vacation at this point. I don’t get rude skids who invite themselves on vacations. DHs parents travel all the time and we’ve never invited ourselves. When we travel...his kids never ask to go. Sometimes we take them...but it’s always at our invitation.
I just don’t understand how some people turn out so rude.
but he is like a smitten 14
but he is like a smitten 14 year old afraid to displease his manipulative, whiny, narcissistic daughter, 29.
That's one "but" that I wouldn't put up with and you shouldn't, either.
These men that I read about, who insist on putting their grown daughter's first and giving in to their every whim, should simply not re-marry.
For some weird reason, my SD (now, 27) has always known that Valentine's Day was not a father/daughter day. I mean, when she was young, he bought her little gifts or whatnot, but as an adult, she certainly has never expected him to be her date.
Our relationship, our life choices, our finances, our vacations, are none of her business and DH has made that clear to her from the time she was young and trying to get info for BM (what 10 year old cares about how much your house costs, or would even be able to put it in perspective?).By the way, we told her our house cost $10.
Inviting herself on your vacation and then trying to control it, is uncalled for, and the fact that your husband would let this happen is just beyond me.
If he doesn't put a stop to it, I would not go.
I feel like I should follow
I feel like I should follow you around, just liking your posts, hereiam.
OP, you say in your first sentence that he's "got it all together", but I'd have to disagree. A man who treats his adult daughter like an affair partner does NOT have it all together.
I wouldn't put up with it, either.
Really?
"...my husband has it all together, is loving and good to me"
No, actually, he doesn't.
This is no different than any other kind of abuse, including physical. Has abominable behavior which victim pretends to ignore or makes excuses for, then behaves like a "good guy" the rest of the time.
He is your DH, and Valentine
He is your DH, and Valentine's plans between a husband and wife should be off limits to anyone except the couple.
I would tell my DH if she goes then I am not going, as Valentine's Day will thus be ruined. I would also tell my DH to grow some and man up and stop being afraid of his DD, and that her running your marriage and being in charge of plans as a couple is completely unnatural and unacceptable.
If your DH doesn't get it, ask him to run it past a friend to see what they think. I bet they'd give him an earful.
Eight years of going through this is ridiculous. His DD needs to grow up.
Maybe you can move away from her.
good luck
I agree with the others. One
I agree with the others. One does not back out on a promise (vacation with you and the relatives) to accept another offer (vacation with SD to do non boring things). Why is you DH more afraid of displeasing her than you? I’d ask him exactly that.
He promised you one thing. Backs out. How does that make you feel?
My DH did something similar exactly one time. When I asked him why it was ok to disappoint me in favor of someone else, he immediately realized his flawed thinking and fixed it.
Your DH needs to tell his daughter that he’s honoring his original commitment to you. That’s what a loving partner would do.
I have to give my DH credit
I have to give my DH credit when it is due. He only does VD with me and I have not seen his snowflakes in years. He puts me first with special occassions, etc., it is not something we dicuss, it is a given. He never even asks for them to go on our vacations. Actually, I was into that myself until the wrath of h....ll fell upon me; when I was trying to be one big happy family. Fortunately, I did not waste a lot of money before they showed their true colors. Reality has a way of catching up with people. I would not tolerate this for a second, there is enough to tolerate just to be reasonable in a marriage. But no daddeee/daughter vd and dates.....otherwise, he can be married to her.