Fed up!!!
Guys, I need help! No idea how to even begin to deal with SO and his 13 y/o daughter! She is finally gone back to her mothers today (thank god) where she lives most of the time. She is here visiting every single f-ing holiday and every holiday has to revolve completely around her! She is up SOs ass the entire time she is here. Follows him to the kitchen, races me to the living room basically so she can sit next to him on the loveseat, goes to work with him, has to sit in the front seat next to him when he’s driving, occasionally sleeps in bed with him, on and on!!!! Every holiday is all about her and I’m so disgusted with it!!!
We aren’t married, but we do have a 3 year old daughter together. Both the baby and I get put on the back burner even more than usual when SD is here. SD has no desire to spend 2 minutes of time with our daughter except if it’s to pretend to be an awesome big sister when SO is around. I see all her BS, but he doesn’t of course! When he’s in the shower or someplace she can’t follow him to for 10 minutes, she will literally put her headphones on and stare at her smartphone completely ignoring 3 year old, but the minute her dad is back in the room, she pretends to play with my baby again. He claims she loves to visit us and see her sister, but she gets here and wants nothing to do with her unless her dad is looking. I really could care less if she pretends to give a crap or not about my daughter, but why the big show in front of her dad?
I addressed several things with him regarding her behavior such as him asking me to sit in the backseat of the car and told him she’s up just ass 24/7 nonstop. He makes excuses for her such as she was carsick from sitting in backseat and says he lets her do what she wants here because her mom drives her crazy with rules. It’s all about her and her nonstop entertainment and appeasements when she’s here. Life doesn’t work like that!!! I don’t think I can do this!!! She just left today and I’m already dreading her next visit in March!!! He even ties her shoes for her because “she can’t do it Iike dad”. It is all to messed up!!!!!! Is this seriously what step parents have to deal with? I’m rethinking my future with this man already and his daughter is just another nail in the coffin.
This is seriously what
This is seriously what steparents have to put up with. It isn't going to get any better- he'll be tying her shoelaces when she's 30. I think you have to have a serious think about whether you want to stay, or make plans to leave... you have tried talking to him and he doesn't seem to have listened. You will have to keep saying these things over and over again....
I had no idea that step kids
I had no idea that step kids were such an issue for so many until I have started to read up on mini wives and Disney dads after my sister told me to! The past 10 days that she was here, I sat back and watched the dynamic between her and my SO and it is way more messed up than I remembered from her visit last fall. She has never been a huge part of my life and lives 800 miles away with her mom. I have a gut feeling that she has been pleading with my SO to let her come and live with us. He would never tell me anything that they discuss. It may be selfish, but I will pack up and leave if it comes to that! I’m already stressed to the max being the primary parent to a 3 year old. SO is barely involved with 3 year old the way it is, but that’s another issue altogether. I will never fight with his Miniwife for scraps of his attention and our 3 year old shouldn’t have to either. I feel bad for all of you who have to do this crap every other week!!
This is like me
this is like me except I have SD every freaking Sunday!! Just ignore her. And for me, I took the opportunity and let me DH watch both of SD and my baby daughter and I went out to meet up with friends or get a massage! Coz I know it’s painful to see SD acts like she loves my daughter. So out of sight out of mind!
So I had the back seat issue
So I had the back seat issue crop up early in my marriage...and I’m shocked and pissed to see that it’s such a common problem for stepmoms...you see it come up here a lot.
For me, the first time it happened...we were all heading somewhere together and OSD and YSD raced to the car and both began pushing each other out of the way and pulling on the handle to try to get the front seat. OSD won...slid into the front...then I came outside and laughed: “Well, that was all for nothing because I’m going, too. Hop in the back!”
To my shock and horror DH hemmed and hawed and didn’t make her move and looked at me with pleading eyes and said: “She’s already buckled in and everything though...”
I was mortified and squeezed into the back seat next to the other two skids. I was so shocked because, as a kid/teen I would NEVER have assumed I got the front seat if both my mom and dad were going...the unwritten rule was clearly understood. I would have known not to expect the front if ANY other adult was going. As I sat there stewing and cramped next to his sloppy, sweaty kids in the back...I thought about this. I realized that he would NEVER have expected the same of a friend who was riding somewhere with him...but for some reason it was OK for him to stick ME in the back. I was so angry (Can you tell?!)
Anyway. Here’s what worked for me. On another visit, we’re all going out to eat. I walk out last and see OSD sitting smugly in the front seat already...so. I simply walk back in the house.
DH texts me: “What’s the hold-up? Did you forget something?”
I text back: “No. Either I sit up front with you as your wife or you take your kids out as a single dad today. Your choice.”
Two minutes later he texts again: “It’s all fixed. Please join us.”
I never had to fight for my seat again. I think you should do something similar...just refuse to participate in your own degradation. It’s 1000% absurd for an adult to be crammed into the back so a spoiled princess skid can have the front seat...and I guarantee you your boyfriend would never, ever ask one of his buddies to climb Inthe back in favor of his daughter. I guarantee it. But somehow it’s perfectly acceptable to expect it of you, his SO.
That is shitty behavior and you should treat it as such. Make his choice VERY clear to him. He puts you up front or you’re out. He can go off and “enjoy” the company of both of his daughters by himself.
This^^^ Please don't ever
This^^^ Please don't ever allow him to "make" you sit in the backseat again. You are the adult, she is a child. To be honest, it is mind-blowing that he even expects you to sit back there. Even if your DH said she could sit in front, I would say no, SD I'm the adult and you are sitting in back. I try to go through my SO first when I feel strongly about something, but if he doesn't handle it, I will handle it myself. I will not be miserable for a skid.
Next, getting to have your "spot" in the living room is also one of the perks of being an adult, in addition to getting to sit in the front seat of the car.... My SO has his spot, so I have mine. And it's next to my SO. If skids are sitting there when I walk in, they either move on their own, or I pointedly look at my SO and he will tell them to scoot over, otherwise I just tell them myself. Kids do not get to run the house and they get to sit by him when I'm not in the room. I didn't run sh*t when I was a kid- I sat on the floor in the living room, always the backseat, and never expected more. It's a right of passage- when they're adults they get to do this same thing. It's truly frustrating to me that often times these days skids are treated as "equals" to adults. Until you pay the bills, you don't get the same rights as adults.
The ONLY time I sat in the
The ONLY time I sat in the backseat was when my MIL rode shotgun.
Do what TwoOfUs did and claim your rightful position.
Of course! I will always
Of course! I will always yield to my elders because I was raised right. My grandma. My mom. Automatically get the front.
I’ve also yielded to friends of ours who are taller / bigger / older than me (I’m 10 years younger than my DH and 5’5” size 4...kind of little. Naturally, he has friends from college who aren’t in as good of shape or are just much bigger...)
What I had to put my foot down on was cramming into a back seat with two pre-teens while ab14-year-old snot-nosed dark and dramatic princess claimed the front. Grrrrr.
SS19 is 6'2", PigPen is 5'10"
SS19 is 6'2", PigPen is 5'10". Neither of them has ever attempted to claim shotgun. And my DH has a small car! LOL
You have a DH problem. First
You have a DH problem. First and foremost the adult relationship comes first. THEN the kids. Period!
First you need to make that clear with your DH. He either puts you and your relationship first or he can not have that relationship.
If that happens all the other bullshit will go away.
Right now his priorities are skewed. Maybe he doesn't get it and needs you to spell it out. Which in turn will mean things work out. Or he doesn't care and chooses skid to come first which in turn means you have your answer, it will never work.
Wait till they are grown
My SD (52 at the time) got upset that I rode in front with my DH when we drove together to a funeral. She still complains about it today, 8 years later, though it falls on deaf ears.
Since you only see her every
Since you only see her every few months, can you just set whatever limits and boundaries are needed for your own well-being, and let the rest go? Let her be up his butt 24/7 while she's here, you take your DD out and do stuff alone with her. Ignore the bad behavior and the putting on a show for SO. Just set boundaries when necessary, ie, she rides in the back of the car or you don't ride with him, PERIOD.
Some stepparents put up with this crap on a 50/50 schedule! Be grateful you have a long-distance schedule.
Oh yeah car seats issue
I don’t have issues with my DH re front seat BUT I had similar issue in my ex stephe&&.
It was worse than front seat though.
We sometimes had to take two cars due to number of people and child car seat for exSGD. So exSDs wanted me to ride with other people while they’d ride with daddeeee.
One time exSDs asked if I could ride with exOSD’s DH while they both would ride with daddyyyyy. I couldn’t believe my ears. It was unreal. And when I said absolutely no they acted like I am in the wrong and had an attitude.
Our ss 20 lives with us when not at university
Any car trips he sits in front next to dad. Problem is he simply can’t sit at back with my kids. They’re terrified of him like hysterically screaming in fear because he is a stranger to them who like opsk completely ignores the half siblings and fake touches/plays with kids when daddy is around for show and its such a fake awkward show.
the car seat thing is not a big deal. At 1 point when daughter was born i sat in front passengers seat and ss actually wanted so sit in my seat. He came thinking that was his entitled spot about to open my door until he realised i was in the seat and promptly sat in the back like a loner.
i have told my hubby many times and finally had to say its a big slap in the face to me when you call him our kids brother and force our kids to go near to him when they are screaming to force him to interact with them. He is a stranger who wants nothing with my 2 toddlers even 3 yrs after daughter was born.
I told hubby he does not deserve the respect and privilege of the title of brother because he is not
It would be a cold day in
It would be a cold day in hell for me to give up the front seat to his daughter. His mother is the only person I would do that for. The very action of putting you in the backseat drives home the point that you don't need to be respected - by anyone, SO included, and sends the message that s-kid doesn't need to respect you either. I'm furious just reading that men do this to their partners.
Years and years ago when I
Years and years ago when I still had anything to do with SS34 we made a 9 hour trip each way in my tiny hatchback. I of course sat up front with DH. 6’2” SS had to sit all cramped up in the tiny back seat with the dog.
Every time SD crawls up SO's
Every time SD crawls up SO's butt with her clingy crap... hand him the baby. See how she likes that and see how SO reacts.
When she clings, hand him the baby. Lather, rinse, repeat. It will drive her insane and when she finally blows a gasket and does something stupid that forces SO to nail her for it then he may gain some clarity.
Make SD time, daddy time with both of his kids and you take a break.