New here..Big issues
So, let me start by saying I have been married to my husband 3 1/2 years, this is both of our 2nd marriages. I have no Bio children and he has 1 daughter who is 11 years old. It appears to me that his ex wife is NEVER EVER going to go away. She lives about 5 blocks from us, she calls 4-5 times a week at least to "make arrangements" for the daughter and she is always complaining about this and that and how she has to support his child.
My husband pays her a very generous child support -more then the courts require, plus we purchase about 90% of the child’s clothing and entertainment. The ex wife seems to always be mooching off us. She says my husband doesn’t pay her enough and she is always broke. She asks him to take her to the train or airport when she goes out of town or for this and that and he does because he says "it is good for his daughter to see us all getting along" he also says "It’s for my daughter". Please, I do not believe this for a minute! He get’s mad when I question anything to do with her or his daughter. I feel like I’m in last place with him.
Now here is my latest issue. A few days ago we let her know we will be going out of town and coming back on Sunday night. Well it appears she will be out of town that weekend also with my Step daughter in the same town we are going too and she has now asked that we pick her and the daughter up on our way back from out of town and if they can ride home with us. This is at least a 3 hour ride and I do not feel it is fair. Why can’t she get home the same way she got there?? Why is she ruining my weekend? Oh, to top it off we are going on this trip to pick up his mom for a visit and she can not stand the ex wife and will be riding in the backseat with her.
What do you all think?
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I think boundaries are necessary!
Hi and welcome! Put some boudaries in place w/DH now. I would no more let BM in my car than I would hug her..... Never gonna happen. When I came to this site, I didn't know how to disengage. I have since learned this valuable tool....try. Diengage from anything to do w/SD and BM. When Dh wants you to go somewhere w/him that has something to do w/BM, find something else to do.
I agree with Sia!
Your DH communicating with BM and doing things for her is his business to the extent that this does not impact you, HOWEVER, forcing you to endure a 3-hour car ride with her is totally over the line in my opinion. You need to firmly state that this is a complete non-starter. And if your DH is truly clueless as to why this is not OK with you ... or chooses to ignore your wishes ... then I would seriously consider counseling.
I think your DH needs to set some limits.
And if he refuses, then set your own. If it affects you personally and directly, then you have just as much power as he to decide certain outcomes. This car-ride thing would be funny if it weren't so sad. I could just imagine me and BM locked in a car together for three hours. Even though we are getting along fine now, I know one of us would come out bald. And it wouldn't be me.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Nip this in the bud
before it gets out of control. My DH was/is the same way though he is getting better at setting limits. He used to give me the "it 'for the kids" line for everything BM asked for whether it was building a swingset for them during our visitation weekend, to tiling her floor since the kids walked on it to rebuilding HER computer. I finally gave him an ultimatum when I found her BM's husband's comuter on my front porch waiting to be fixed. I told him to go ahead and fix it while I typed a bill for repair service.
After 13 years, DH now knows that we will not be doing anything for her and the kids can call when they want something fixed for themselves.
I had to be in the kitchen with BM during SD20's high school graduation party.BM conveniently had foot surgery 5 days before the party and needed alot of "help" to get things ready. It was all I could do to be civil to her. SHe also needed help to pick up and pay for the cake, punch and all of the catered party food which we ended up paying for. Good Luck.
2 SDs
So in other words you are telling us that you have 2 step daughters to take care of instead of 1. I would put my foot down and he needs to make a choice and live with it. His X isn't your daughter and you don't need to take care of her. If your H was so concerened about getting along with her then he should have stayed married to her and this would not be going on.
It is your
husband that needs an attitude readjustment. He has to count your feelings into the mix & make sure they come out close to the top most of the time. Sounds like he hasn't divorced them!! He is using anger to scare you from taking a stand. DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU LIKE THAT.
I wouldn't put up with that crap.
Sorry you're going thru this.
amazed
I am always amazed and surprised to see how some of these women train their men like little monkeys. Even after the divorce the men are willing to be their servants. He needs to figure out who he is going to be married to and go with it...
My husband has allowed
My husband has allowed himself to be controlled by his ex wife, when they were married and now. It seems like this is never going to stop!!
"stepmother might have to rise above a little more than everyone else to make everything go smoothly and for everyone to feel comfortable. It's one of the nicest gifts they could give."