Step Grandchildren
I had hoped to be able to establish a bond with my husbands grandchild, really wanted them to be part of my and my husband life’s.
Because of family issues with his daughter I haven’t been able to see the grandchild in almost 2 years. I asked if maybe my husband could arrange a quick lunch or park visit just briefly so he and I and and the grandchilld could just have a brief visit over the holidays. I was also open to meeting with the adult step kids as well if they would see me but was hoping at least I could see the grandchild. I took a risk with my heart asking and I was denied a visit so my heart is totally broken. My husband is now gone visiting with all of them but I am not included so just sad now here alone.
I feel like I have to live on the outskirts of my husbands family, never included, no matter how hard I try. I really hoped and wanted more which I know as other stepparents reading this can relate.
I just feel so sad being left out constantly of my husbands family get togethers. They go off and do things and I’m never invited or included anymore and I think his kids prefer it this way and he to keep the peace accepts it, goes on his visits with them and I am just suppose to deal and accept.
It does hurt on another level when you also are not part of the step grandchild’s life. I had hoped it could be better and maybe a fresh start to be able to have a relationship with the grandchildren.
I think the adult stepchildren now feel that they can spite me me further by withholding the grandchild from me. By me asking to see the grandchild they probably took satisfaction in being able to say NO and not allow me to see them. That’s partly why I have been afraid to ask because I knew it gave them all the control to deny me and hurt me and maybe get some satisfaction out of that. But I decided to try to step out on a limb and ask anyway trying to repair things, trying to make things better, trying to get along even if just for the childs and my husbands sake and my wish to be included in some of that area of my husbands life. The grandchildren in all of this our innocent and don’t know anything about it. But maybe as they get older and maybe wonderwhy grandpa has a wife but she never comes around anymore. Not my choice, but the adult stepchildren, but very sad for me!!
Feeling broken, left out, sad about this whole family situation. And feeling all of this during the holidays is even worse. I feel like such a failure in all of this. I wanted so much to be included as part of my husbands children and grandchildren’s life and now here I stand on the sidelines alone, not even able to see my step granchild for a few minutes over the holidays.
I am feeling very sad and broken tomoght and wonder if anyone has had similar experiences and how they have coped? Do you keep trying or give up? It’s hard to feel this left out of this big part of your husbands life and still be a part of your husbands life if that makes sense?
Thanks for reading this.
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Comments
I'm sorry that you are
I'm sorry that you are feeling so hurt. You are not a failure, this was not your doing.
Thank you!
I appreciate that! Thankful for your support.
Considering the distance and
Considering the distance and travel necessity required in order to have actually received your request, not sure how you expected a short lunch or visit to a park could be granted. Were you thinking of going with DH and spending all the remainder of his trip sitting alone in a hotel? To me, that would be much less enjoyable and uncomfortable for you than staying home where you can focus on your daily life and activities.
Did DH spend Christmas Eve and Day home with you before heading off for his visit to see his daughter and her family? Will he return in time to assure he and you can enjoy NYE together?
Stop hoping.
I was the one that traveled the distance with him and then sat around at the hotel hoping for a visit with the grandchildren, that was denied. I think I have accepted now that I just have to give up on hoping that this will ever get better. I had really hoped for a relationship with the grandchildren at least but I realize I need to stop trying. My husband did tell me he did not agree with them about not allowing me to see the grandchildren just briefly with him even if the stepkids did not want to see me.
Yes, my husband and I will spend NYE together.
Yes, this all makes sense and
Yes, this all makes sense and for years the adult steps have tried and and still try (not as much now as before), to exclude me from family trips, weddings, birthdays, lunches, dinners and the like.
What helps in coping with this adult skid and DH with missing man parts dysfunctional dynamic:
Please try not to feel sad or broken. It is not healthy.
Please make yourself your #1 priority and do things you enjoy, visit friends and relatives, either in person, on the phone. Don't let these adult skids get the sick satisfaction they want in making you miserable.
What I found helped me with DH was to let him know point blank that a decent husband, who took marriage vows to respect his wife, his marriage, honor, cherish, and NEVER FORSAKE us so help him God, etc., would never ever leave his spouse behind to be with people who hate me and disrespect our marriage. This is just wrong in so many ways. It shows disrespect toward your husband, your marriage and you.
I told my DH I would never leave him out if anyone in my family treated him is way. No spouse should feel left out by anyone, including immediate family members.
There were times before we were married when DH would leave me out of skid-planned events. I never did that to him and he was always invited to come to my family's events. As time went on, then DH declined attending adult skid and gskid events if I wasn't invited and still declines. Once they realized DH wouldn't go without me, they started to invite me a little bit more and sometimes we would attend their events. At these events they played their hateful games and we became sick of being treated like dirt and stopped attending.
After years of their toxic nonsense, I don't attend events where skids or gskids are unless it is absolutely necessary. DH does the same pretty much Gskids or not. I am not allowed around the gskids anyway.
It gets to the point where you can only be burnt so many times by toxic adult skids, where you stop trying and realize you are so much better off not playing nice with people who, for their own sick reasons, don't want you around. They just want their first family back and cannot move on and respect their parent's spouse. Too bad for them.
Try to not revolve your life around the gskids. It isn't worth it. Make your life, your interests, hobbies, work, your priority.
Tell your DH you would not do anything to make him feel so left out, so what the bleep gives him the right to do this to you? Normal, happy families do not treat other family members this way. You are your DH's family as you are his wife.
Please know this is not your fault and you are a good person.
you are not alone in all this. There are so many of us who have been treated this way by hateful adult steps, their brood, and spineless DH's.
Makes sense
Thank you. Yes, that is what I feel that it does seem disrepectful to me and our marriage. Really helpful insights you offered, I appreciate that.
Sounds like you had a supportive husband that would not let the skids treat you this way and by him not supporting their behavior it made an impact.
Your input helps me feel less alone this.
This isn't your fault. This
This isn't your fault. This is the result of your DH lacking a spine. He's willing to allow you to feel hurt rather than confront his children about their rudeness and disrespect. They have power because he gives it to them.
If you are going to stay with him, you have to accept that you will not be part of their lives, and build a happy life on your own. Many on here seem to do it, though I'm not sure if I could. I'd be fine with DH doing stuff alone with his kids and grandkids, but not fine with him allowing me to be totally excluded.
OP was included and there was
OP was included and there was a 'cool', but civil, relationship for many years..... right up until OP decided to write a letter to the SD confronting the SD. Prior to that, SD and her family traveled often to visit in OP's home.
After the letter, SD cut off OP. Refuses to visit nor allow OP to come visit SD's
I read her old blog and it
I read her old blog and it doesn't sound like the letter was awful - just that she felt hurt by SD treating her coldly. I still say DH needs to develop a spine and tell his daughter to include his wife in at least some important occasions.
I doubt OP insisting her DH
I doubt OP insisting her DH demand OP be included would turn out well for OP. SD is still going to reject OP. OP had a right to write her feelings and call the SD out, but she surely knew if she did so (regardless of what her therapist thought of the letter) that it was only going to make the situation worse.
I'm not saying OP should not have taken a stand, but now that she has , the SD is done. SD is finished attempting the charade of tolerating her SM. Yes, tolerated. SD tolerated OP , for her father's sake. OP very likely is a very kind, loving wonderful woman who tried extremely hard to be 'liked and accepted' by SD. I'm not doubting that. *We*read it all all the time. How SM tires and tries , but might as well be beating a brick wall with the attempts. However,once the call out (aka, letter) went out the pretense of barely tolerating went out the door for SD.
What I can't understand is why OP continues to want to be around the SD. If the father showed up at SD's home with OP , there would no longer be the 'civil' that barely existed from before. OP's Dh is not willing to not see his daughter and her family. If OP next tries to make DH either take her along and/or stop going to see his daughter himself, she'll lose her DH next. OP and her DH seem to have a happy marriage and good daily couple life together. She is going to have to decide if he wants to also risk that and take a stand now on with her DH.
Is it worth chancing her normally 95% happy marriage? Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't mind my DH traveling to see his kid a few days now and then (as long as he spent the actual holidays and any plans we have made together with me as a couple). I'm not attached at the hip with my DH. He doesn't have to be at my side 24/7 365. I go for occasional weekend get-away with my mother and sister without my DH. My Dh has things he enjoys doing those occasional weekends I'm gone.
I do believe the OP could be happy and content with the occasional if she would develop areas in her life that are not DH-centric. She seems to want to be with children (it doesn't sound as if she has grandchildren of her own). She might branch that out to consider doing a program where she 'adopts' a grandchild and spends time and does activities with a child who would love to have a grandma but unfortunately doesn't have one of their own for whatever reason. Someone who would love to have the time and attention OP could give a child. IMO, I think OP would enjoy it as much as the child. Why mope over people who want nothing to do with you?
I would not make my DH take
I would not make my DH take me along or ask him not to see his daughter and grandchildren, have never asked that of him and never will. Have I wanted to be included, yes, do I feel left out and an outsider with his family, yes.
Sometimes I think I am the one (the problem) that should just let them all be and go away quietly. Maybe everyone would be better off.
I love my DH very much, otherwise I wouldn’t put up and try to deal with all this stuff/shit.
Agreed!
Thank you.
Just not always excluded.
Thanks. I am fine as well with my DH doing things with his adult kids, grandkids without me sometimes or even most of the time. It just hurts to be totally excluded. That is the part that hurts when I am totally excluded and everyone but me seems to be okay with that.
Why would you want to be
Why would you want to be included when your treated rudely on their best day?
Next time an event occurs and hubby goes to see them--remember to send his wonderful daughter a cookie tray OR something with a card attached "ENJOY", "Merry Christmas" or what ever the event is...be sure sign your name!!
She may not care for you but she can NOT take away your 'class'.
Not taking away my class.
I will remain a good person in spite of their treatment of me.